Spoken Word: Festering Wound

Festering Wound

How can you heal things

When you don’t’ know what’s wrong

How can you get to know each other

Grow closer

When this chasm between us is so long

I see the pain you feel

The pain that you can inflict, indefinitely

The hurt behind eyes and soul

That strength that won’t allow you to cry

I am not here to

Make you vulnerable

Use these and other things against you

I hold you strengths and weakness

Cradled in my supportive grasp

Offering all of me

To help you as much as I can

Always

Quietly I observe

As you keep pace and distance

From me

All I can do is offer

Show you that I am here for and with you

But there is nothing that I can do

I can’t force myself to help you

When you hate the assistance

So

I merely look

Somewhere inside wish

That you would come to your senses

Then

I blink and let it be

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/28/15  ©

Spoken Word: The Heated Caress of Jealousy

The Heated Caress of Jealousy

My jealousy

Rips the fabric of existence

Raggedly

Hope

Dissolved in a cacophony

Of hydrochloric acid beliefs

All I can say is

My fault

My fault for

Thinking there was a joining

A decision on us

Having importance

Yes, you and me

I look

Glare openly

Only to see my misinterpreted

Misplaced desired reality

So I clear

Don’t shock a flat line

Watch Hela claim this

As I look at the distance

What you and me were supposed to be

Outstretched arms

The laughter will never cease

Cruel to think that

This was ever a possibility

Toxic

Radioactive

Bomb dropped on me

Now there is only

The

Jealousy left

In

And

For

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/28/15  ©

Spoken Word: Augmented Rabbit Hole

Augmented Rabbit Hole

I know you said that words

Mean next to nothing to you

That continued and constant actions

May be the only things that move you

But I need to know

Here you say

I love you

I miss you

Just thinking about you

Well

More than once every blue moon

I understand

We don’t think

Act or react

In the same way

So views are skewed from

Personal points of view

Just dial up the frequency

I would like to hear and feel it too

Until then

The ribbons in the sky

Have been burned by napalm

Cinders of wishes

Remnants of heart and soul

Just sitting in the

Rabbit hole

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/29/15  ©

Ghost Rider, The Pattern Is Full

They tell me that it is not that serious. Just let things happen at their own time and pace.

Ok, I take and make a mental note to adjust accordingly.


They tell me how permanency is what they seek. But just don't let us get to close to each other. I still need to feel free.

I notate and prepare the escape plan for when it is time for things to go south real quick.


The why you ask and wth:

There has been a lot of convo had, read and listened to concerning the state of relations or situations as they call them.  I have no problem with humans seeing, doing and being the way that they are in this dating, relation, situation thing. I applaud those that know they can't and won't be worth anything in a relationship. So stick to whatever you come up with that suits you and those that deal with that.

My issue has been with those that say they don't want anything with a title or holding some aspect of vulnerability and then want everything to act and be like they are actually in a relationship. Stop the madness an confusion!  You are just 5150 there little girl.

Yes I was a proponent of relationships and marriage. Locked in supermax underneath a couple fortresses it still remains. Preserved.  But I have transmuted from renaissance to caveman to rest at the cromagnon level.

Just like you speak according to the audience you are addressing. You interact socially and relation wise according to who it is directed to.

I feel like the saying of the gladiators before the arena fights should be injected right here.

We who are about to die salute you!!!   LoL

So, I am not stuck in a time warp or expecting anything other than whatever, who I am interacting with is actually capable of doing. You don't give more than you are prepared to give and you don't waste time and energy on things that hold no relevancy.

situationships
we just fuck
or whatever else

it's all good
just state what you want and stick with it


as for me...


I am breaking left and kicking in the afterburners!!!


till the next time...Salud

My Original Property

Logic and analysis components engaged!

Of course I am thinking as usual. After all my brain has not caught up with me being dead just yet. And heavy on rotation is my D/s journey along with my Dominant evolution.

Discussing who was my first submissive and started this journey in bdsm. Plus the what about marriage and dynamics conversations.

I was married to a woman that was excellent. I realized that she was my first submissive, whore, slut and full kinkster.  She was my 50's household woman with our modern adjustments. So for those first years I was introduced into bdsm before I officially began my learned journey.

She served me physically, spiritually and more. She was my service whore and fucktoy at all times. I managed and dictated to her and she followed. I had tamed the dominant, independent, sexy and everybody wanted woman to be mine.

Back rubs and massages. Meals cooked. Seeking approval and guidance. Serving made and kept her happy. As she became my daily sex slave. The only way that it could have been better was if we were doing some kink play for the whip cream on top.

A year of vetting and consideration led to her collaring aka wedding ring. It was a time of finding lines of communication, establishing hierarchy and roles. Where my unknown D/s began. Discussing the things that are important and required to her. The attention to detail, the focus, duty and being my slut.

This is where it all began. over two years of her service and dedication to me and our relationship.Giving me the taste of the craving that was already ingrained in me. Until it all came to an end when she died. In the way only she would want to. Cummin and going at the same time.

Dropping into the current time line:

I have chosen to learn and grow properly in this lifestyle. Invested in it more than I was when I was active in the swinger lifestyle. Most of my heaviest learning coming from summer of last year to now. And I know it wasn't all the best things that happened always. There were my mistakes miscommunication and all.

A year spent with a weird, interesting, dynamite sub. One that I have had a hard time stabilizing, strengthening and creating a deep D/s relation with. It is not simple like someone else but it is what I desired and wanted. So the journey continues through the landmines, labyrinth and Chinese finger puzzles.

The dynamic has shown me the juxtapose differences between subs and individuals. Teaching me that I have to work hard with this and put forth effort to get it where I want it to be. For as long as it is in the direction and purpose that is sought. Seeing the key of making, communicating and showing the destination and way to achieve the goal of the dynamic. Fighting the walls of trust, communication, personalities and issues can be the enemy.

But here is the thing. The difficulties in waiting, working on, navigating the minefields and timing are steps to what is the goal at the end. To have the established dynamic that I already have seen and know how grand it is. Getting there with two individuals is the test.

I have seen and experienced different types of subs.

The subs that are so ready to serve and please me are less of an issue in that aspect. But they still require guidance, assignments, attention and individual address to keep them happy, growing and moving forward in the dynamic.

Here is the non glamour thing:

In D/s you deal with subs with their real life aspects. Not just when it is the perfect time to be kinky. That means issues at work, loss of loved ones, mental and physical issues and more. This is when you have to gauge how best to support, give space and handle things. And it is hard to find the right way to react for a while. It takes time, connection, communication and observation to be able to handle it. Hot flashes, mood swings and periods are going to happen. Often and frequently I have experienced. It is all part of management that is required and the commitment that i have placed upon me and my dynamic.

Started out in an unknown D/s relationship with Chocolate Doll. Then started a true and actual knowledge based D/s relationship with lil red.

And here I am. Through the good, the bad and the ugly. Pressing forward to attain the goal of the dynamic that I seek with lil red in the way that is apparent and superior to me.


There you go. Some insight.

Grab your chimichanga's and let's Deadpool tonight!!

Adele - Hello (Han Solo Parody) Star Wars

Yeah i wouldn't even know about adel or the hello song if it wasn't for the music vault of knowledge aka lil red

Izzo (B.O.B.A.) - Star Wars/Jay-Z Parody Yeah, I am over here rofl

Do I Know What It Is Like?

I have been asked have I found out what it is like to be a sub in the form of actually doing the role.

I say thee nay!!

Heard them talking about well other doms do that so they can get a better understanding of what it is like being a sub. And that is wonderful for them. As for me I am not going to do it. I can observe, communicate and ask questions enough to cover getting to know what a sub is going through.

And each sub is completely damn different anyway. There is no formula that works with all of them. That is why you train them to your specifications personally no matter how much experience they have.

For example a sub that is unable to truly commit to being your sub because a list of things have to be in place before that happens cannot be treated the same as one who is ready to serve immediately and just want to serve, please and be your submissive.

There are variables that do not come into play even if someone plays the role of submissive for a period of time to get the feel of it. Things like emotions and feelings, or emergencies, circumstances out of your control or just things that have to do with being an adult in life. Can you model these factors to get the experience a subs get while she is on her period, taking an exam, working her corporate job and being active in her community? Yeah, think about it.

There truly has to be balance in the Force between Dom and subs. But it is a tailor made balance that must be achieved through personal interaction and communication instead of exploratory repetition.

And damn do I know about tailor made in my journey. It is like flying a battlestar by yourself. All hands on deck and you only got your two hands. So you figure it out and make it work. Taking the weird, sensitive, emotional and unemotional plus things into account as you manage it like the government.

in the end...

Do I know what it is like to be a sub?

Nope. But I do have some ideas about each one I have interacted with that those that are mine. And that is the focus that has to be attended to. With each personalized attention as I do trial and error in making the dynamic get to the level that I require. eventually

Road Warrior Meeting: Emotional Content

Ru and I had a pow wow. We have had plenty talk about lately with everything going on in our lives.

But we went in on the subject of emotions. She was asking me how to get rid of them. As I told her unfortunately you can't get rid of them fully. You can compartmentalize and allow them to die like I have had in practice for a long time now.  But honestly she doesn't need to get rid of her emotions and feelings. Just a matter regrouping and reconstituting herself. Being able to shut those things off outside of giving to someone that may actually be worthy of it all.

She has been with me through every emotion and feeling I have experienced almost I think.

I really don't want her like me. Cold hearted and really disconnected. She doesn't need that no matter the pain that she has been put through. Once you reach this point then everything takes on a darkside perspective. And even though I know that she has that evil asshole streak. I think most of my women have that. Still, she has a big heart and needs to be able to express, show and keep that heart like that. I don't want her like females these days. Just hiding emotions and feelings while talking about how they are in so much control. Meanwhile they are lost, confused and conditioned to hate that they feel by other females, feminists and male haters.

So as I hope for the best and steer into a direction of the positive and the light. I am going to enjoy my dark, and evil nature.

Spoken Word Unscripted (Untitled)

when you just don't give a fuck
well, you use to give a fuck
now you are just like
what the fuck

brick and mortar
assaults cerebellums
with break neck speeds

cauterized effects
clipped apertures

distant memories
almost forgotten tones
of black snake moans
thunder twirling undertones

temperament
a sonic boom
established to the level
of the star killer moon

left
exposed
revealed

the unearthed
moment of truth



from the chocolatezeus collection   (c)  12/19/15

And Yes...This is a Star Wars Spoiler Post

Ok this is a spoiler so if you can't read then it is not my fault.

If I was someone that wasn't a fan of the movie I would enjoy it. It has a lot of action, some familiar faces and names. New characters and plenty of technical details.  Something for everyone to enjoy throughout the movie.

ok now as a Star Wars fan

that was some fucked up shit!

I mean we start off with characters that we don't know about and are not in the star wars universe originally. That is fine. But we really don't get any backstory on anyone except the black storm trooper finn. And they still didn't explain to us how they decided to start snatching children to be grown into storm troopers. The scavenger girl rey's story was even more vague than that. All we know is that she has force skills that are apparently naturally strong. So strong that she saw the connection of everything when she touched luke and vader's old light saber.  And then there is the poe pilot guy. umm we still have no idea about him other than he is their ace pilot and talks brashly during battles. hell, let's be real all the damn time.

Now I have read a bunch of star wars books. So I am pissed off at how they made han and leia solo's son a weak ass sith. Yeah he is at least on the darkside. But we don't really know what happened to turn him. Besides a mention of Luke skywalker and something going wrong at the academy he had before he dissapeared on sabatical. And the fact that kylo ren was han's son at least was a twist at first. But he looked too damn pretty play a sith lord.

Then to top all of this madness off you kill Han Solo. The one that looked the best from the original movies! Come on now.

Now the star fighter scenes were great. especially the precision strikes on the ground around han and chewie. They did well on those. the attack on the star killer was the re enactment of the attack on the death star. so that was recycled it seemed.

And we saw absolutely nothing of this captain phantasma chick who is supposed to be the head of the stormtroopers. wth

and all we get of luke skywalker is seeing him standing at the top of a mountain at the very end of the movie. Woosah

yeah this was still not as good as the episode 4 through 6

PSA: Those Things Called Important

Through communication there should be a shared importance upon things.

If there is no shown shared importance. Then address and act accordingly!!!

Deadpool vs Boba Fett. Epic Rap Battles of History - Bonus Battle! ONE OF MY FAVORITES

This has me rolling and laughing. I have watched it at least 5 times now.

The After Taste of Mourning

While I was at the cigar shop today I talked to Rich. It was good to see him. I hadn't caught up with him in a while. I just hadn't been in the shop really with being sick and everything.

His wife died this summer. So we have a common understanding and bond there. Even though the difference in him being considerably older than me, retired and white is there. We talk, laugh and share stories, cigars and convo.

Why do we have a common understanding?

My wife died in 2011. After being married a little over 2 years. And yes that was my first and only marriage. I was devastated, angry, numb and in limbo mentally. 

I dealt with things in my own way and style. Which is what I told Rich. Because people will think they are helping you when they are telling you to go the therapy, support groups and all that. They are not helping. They are really pissing you the fuck off. All they need to do is be supportive by saying that they are there if you need them and help you in applicable ways. 

The ability to deal with this type of tragedy is indescribable. It is being lost in your most familiar place that you have been at and enjoyed forever. Memories of things you did, experienced, watched or even ate with them can trigger emotional responses and memories. I found myself in tears a number of times for things I didn't even realize I saw that brought back memories of my wife. And I have watched Rich break down and hold the tears in the shop while dealing with the freshness of the pain. Like today when we were talking about the holiday. It is the first Christmas without his wife. And holidays are hardcore remembrance for you. To miss the things you would do together and the things you remember vividly. 

How did I deal with my loss?

I fucked the shit out of chicks.

I travelled

I ate

I drank

I stayed to myself

The first week right after my wife died. I finally got to fuck my old best friend for the first time. The pussy was good and it had been something I wanted since we were seniors in high school. (it would have been fulfilling my fantasy fully if I was able to fuck her before she cut her big, beautiful titties off.)  And then there was the issue of that she wasn't sucking dick until being in a relationship. oh well I will give that a C.

Then I fucked the sanford monkey bitch the night after that for the first time. I wore her little ass out to the point she begged me to stop fucking her. 

I wanted to fuck the ole greensboro swinger chick I use to fuck regularly but she didn't come until the day of the funeral. and I would have loved to fuck her and that girlfriend of hers again. Thick ass curvy bodies they had and squirting pussy. 

Of course I fucked up getting pussy when I went to the second funeral in philly. I could have had some pussy I never had a chance to fuck from the thieving monkey bitch days. I just didn't understand the message she had sent while we were at 4th street deli. And the super model chick that took me to the 76er game didn't come into my hotel room because we hadn't fucked in year and I wanted to turn her ass out again.

On the way back from philly I did get the maryland girls pussy the next day and some good head.

Then I was ready to hit the road and get it in. Traveling to ohio for some more squirting pussy. Fucking the detroit chick. Then to chicago for the fake ass east chicago monkey bitch to flake once again. 

And then I took the fuckfest into overdrive and if we fucked I was trying to kill you, your pussy and mouth. I left my marks and myself etched in their souls when I was done. 

I think I traveled for like 8 months or so. Just going everywhere from Jamaica to everywhere in between. 

The other way I dealt with things is just letting myself process at my speed. Everyone was so concerned about me because I didn't do a lot of crying around them or show emotion. I let them see me crying at the viewing of her body and both funerals. Other than that I didn't need them seeing me like that or hearing their comments in those moments. 

If I felt emotion I let it happen. Whether it was driving by the bus stop where she would catch the bus in front of our complex or seeing the ben and jerrys we went to the day she died. I didn't stop it from happening. So many tears and sobbing happened while I was driving. 

My anger was on overload. Egged on by people who thought they were helping by saying something to me when I have said I am fine. or the parental units telling me they are not coming to the funeral because the obituary of my wife had cleavage in it. 

When it comes down to it. You have to figure out your own path and way to handle things. And it doesn't come immediately. It doesn't all happen at once. And just because other people think you should do this or that doesn't make it applicable to you. These are some of the things I had to tell Rich. Because I saw the anger and being pissed and agitated with people when he just wanted them to STFU and give him space. 

Loss and Mourning has no blueprint. It is a reactionary and uncharted territory that is never the same for any two people.

EVER!!

The Application Process

This is the long and impossible journey to find someone or those that can be the right candidate for being mine. It is a journey that has been filled with most of the applications going directly into the shredder but what can you expect with dating these days.

I am a super sexed, stubborn, difficult, intelligent, evil, black caveman. Yes, there are plenty of other things to add to that but I will keep it short for now.

As a man we are taught to pursue females. And I did that back in the day. Well, I gave it the boy scout try I will say. Total failure! I was mr nice guy and a gentleman and all that shit. And I got being a friend and girlfriend for the efforts. I had to accept that wasn't me and stop being a nice guy and just be myself. The man that people don't really understand or have a clue about.

So what are the things on the application that have to be there for them to be looked at:

• intelligent
• loving
• diverse
• able to communicate
• sexual dynamo
• caring
• understanding
• able to truly focus
• able to think outside the box
• their own woman in thought, action and principle
• bdsm and kink appropriate

Why yes I am a super horny damn man. I love fucking sex. And I only want more of it the older I get. I have been a swinger for 14 years. That doesn't mean I think with my dick. Or that just because you look good and are fuckable that I will even remember you have a name or even be interested. You still need to have a damn lot more going on to be more than a throw away fuck toy.

Intelligence and communication is important because if I can't talk to you and we express ourselves then I am going to discard you like trash in my yard. That doesn't mean you have to have knowledge of everything I am into or know about. But at least be able to speak and listen if I mention things.

One of the hardest things are accepting me, being their self and able to focus on a relationship. It is like jumping from the earth to the moon in these aspects it seems for females. I am not asking them to be someone other than their self. And I just want them to be able to understand and be with me just being myself.

So these decades of applicants have provided one candidate and solution so far. And I kept that one until she died. 

Maybe the solution is not to take applications anymore and just become a mercenary. 

Relations, Relate...Wait, What?

Considering Ru and I discussing our relationship or relation status, history and all. We had to laugh at how Life Unscripted has excelled exponentially in those areas.

In her noticing the changes in me, my outlook, importance and concern lately. And me watching her fight things, then deal with things currently. It is a trip that many base in the line of pure madness. And, I can't say that they are not correct in that.

As I spoke to lil red the other day about things. I use to fight for and attempt to cultivate relations. Because to me if it was important, you put forth the effort to achieve and maintain it. That was before I realized the state of relations today. The keyword is RELATE and that is something that is dead and apparently long gone. There is no need to relate because that forms a tie to someone that allows for vulnerability. And in todays de-evolved society we see how important it is to only give the facade and not actually put an effort in.

So when Ru asked me have I gone back to how I use to be in dating. I have to say I haven't. I have actually went to the point of pi in the social scene. The beginning point where you interact and observe while formulating a plan against all enemies.

lil red had made the comment that it all sounds so depressing. it really isn't. It is doing the same thing that humans are doing. I am just doing it differently. The same results occur. Indifference, disposable, viable opportunities.

I am still that super loving and caring man. Just that love and caring is locked down in a negative zone prison now. And if you know from marvel comics, getting out of there is a feat of outstanding effort.

As I sit back and watch the relations, relationships of today. Watching the orbits wane and decay.

All I can say is, "thank god for the Death Star baby, baby!!!"

Marvel's Disaster Called Jessica Jones

This was a hot mess.

It was like they took a drunk alcoholic female from that awful show sex in the city and through it with some lesbians and a rendition of 50 shades of wtf together.

First off coming out with a character that barely anyone if at all knew of was a risky move in itself. But to do it and then drag out getting to know the main character so long that you are annoyed and bored is the key to making sure people hate your production. There is no true backstory on who jessica is really until almost half way through. And by then you are just lost in the fact that she is a snide, fucked up asshole that is annoying.

The villian aka the purple man I was really dissapointed about. With all the ability to control minds and his limited ability to think on a grander scale even though he is so highly intelligent really sucked. And David Tennet played a good Dr Who too, which really makes this sad. But his character here was just seen as someone who wanted to create domestic violence as I read some females respond.

I wasnt expecting excessive action. Hell, let's be honest I wasn't expecting any action at all in this film. just some shakespeare maybe. The fight with jessica and Luke Cage was ok but it really didn't grasp anything to be desired.

The few intriguing things was that it opened the door to seeing what Luke Cage is like on the screen and whoever rosario dawson alluded to in the end of the season as knowing a hero.

With background characters in the cast that wouldn't fit together if they were all on the same piece of paper. This was a serious mess. There was nothing to grab your attention at all. And nothing to keep your attention at all as well.

This series was a flop. They should have started with something more important. Or something that worked. After hitting it off with Daredevil. A believable and down to earth character, script and cast. Then this sinking, stagnant garbage

This was twelve episodes of unentertaining drama, very little suspense, some action and a whole lot of cookie cutter style of thinking like crap shows like empire has done.

drop the gay, lesbian, racial and sex forumla and do something that is orginal.

This was pure garbage!

Poetic Lustful Intent: My Box of Chocolate

My Box of Chocolate

From the very first moment

I saw your chocolate skin

Dipped in sexiness

Garnished in curviness

My lust

Licked it’s lips

Prepared to devour

And lay waste to this

Seductive display

I desired a buffet

A continuous meal for one

To feed my ravenous hunger

Is beyond a full time job

So I licked

Sucked and twisted each

Beautifully perfect nipple

Tuning them to my attention

Making them stand erect

And honor their knew master

That moment

Where time stood still

As I attempted to get my

Appetizer started of you

Laid bare across the conference room table

Eating with desire

Your juices flowing and dripping

Leaving only your moans and sounds of

Your cum hitting the carpet

I opened the box that day not so long ago

I found the delights I craved

I won’t apologize

I don’t give a damn

Feed me

Hours need to turn into days

Of wanton fucking

As my lust permeates the atomic table

I do not want to leave any traces of you for examination

Dining

Penetrating

Hitting and slapping

Clit sucking and smacking

My box of chocolate

Now open

And there is no closing it again

The lust open

No longer will I hold it at bay

It’s time

You want it

And I want it

Unleashed completely

So let

Swollen pussy lips

Tears dripping from cheeks

Tied up predicaments

And repeated and continued

Eruptions

Begin

And never end

Fuck like being like a box of chocolates

I am going to fuck you

Until your thoughts

Cave in

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/9/15  ©

The Sliding Scale

Hmm, thanksgiving has passed and christmas is next. Honestly, there is no relevance to these things and me. The keys to holidays being relevant are gone and the current application are nowhere to be seen. So, I am barren in the spirit as they say. Just here is the phrase that says it all and always lately.

Merle was talking to me in the cigar shop yesterday about buddhism and the monks teachings. They always pick at me because I am angry. But it is all in good fun. Merle was talking about having me stand behind him as he talks to the new thai fiancee. still can't believe he has to marry her before she has been here 90 days but that is something else. So he is talking to me about not being angry and letting things go. And most importantly the balance of yourself and life. And I do remember some of the teachings of Buddhism and things from back in the day. But balance I know a lot about. 

I never knew this would be as hard as college level vulcan arithmetic. 

Balance is what keeps me from destroying all being mode. When I am completely in balance with outlets, therapy and all in place. Things bother me but very rarely does it even register that much on the scale. But honestly that hasn't truly been in place since I was married.  And I miss and need it. 

My balance can be very simple. If there is someone that I am comfortable with to be close to and love deeply in my life. Just talking to them, being around them and with them will bring that balance and comfort. that shelter from the storm. But I have found that doesn't work unless the person that is the subject of my comfort and peace can't handle it or understand it. Then it becomes a disillusioned hindrance. All I need is for them to be themselves, talk to me and have a good interaction.  So when this blew up in my face this year I had to adjust as best as I could. 

My adjustment went to relying completely on being at the cigar shop, smoking, drinking and eating. Mixed in with writing, reading and watching things. Combined together they helped but they have not solved the issue or covered the wound.

It is apparent that currently that the more that progresses, the more unattached I become. And I guess that is because of attempts at development recently and their outcome. Either way the scale is in motion and it has stayed in motion. 

I honestly have to say right now. I miss the old times, the people that I could enjoy and my wife. Just better times. Then I hear chocolate dolls ass talking about I told you to do better and be happy. blah blah blah. just keep haunting me and shut up!

*to infinity and beyond...I am the result of the black hole gang*

Angry Man Implosion

I do what I have to. I do what I must.

What I won't do is continue.

Right now I am somewhere I have never experienced I think.

It is like combining World War Hulk and Deadpool with Doomsday.

I want to destroy the universe!


all of this because of duty.


*the banging and the white noise*

Spoken Word: The Curse of Ares

Curse of Ares

My shear existence is

Carnage and chaos

Feeder of the carrion

I am that whirlwind of destruction

The karmic blend of love and hate

The natural disaster that you hate but it fascinates you

Rage and anger

Replace necessary life sustaining evidence

Cold slab of emotion and the fire pits of hell

Rule my heart and soul

Yet among

The rubble, destruction and scorched universe

There is this yearning

This one available place

That glows brightly

The spot for

The One

The One is

The person that balances the scales

Of the Beast of hell and deeper hells

A channel, purpose and shield for the living

Yet this position is not easy

Nor has it been maintained or even attained

Rarely

The mantle has been given

One queen has reigned

Another chooses her fate

I honestly can’t blame them

Then tentative applications are great

The focus of passion, intensity, love and a malignancy for other beings

Daunting to undertake

To fathom even

History has paved the way

Monkey bitches

Pretenders

Quitters

Fear has gripped them

Inability to understand

That this adventure is one that is

Life unscripted to the nth degree

The curse has been emblazoned upon me

From the beginning

The inability and division

To understand and be understood

Or connect on this human like emotional plane

To make them so comfortable that

They run to me and exclaim

Their need and love to live fully

Together among eternity

With the pain and finality

I remain steadfast in my purpose and duty

Even as a part of me misses

Wants and needs

That One

The One

To balance and tilt

This scale of darkness

To one again of normalcy

My curse looks

Smiles

And continues it’s

Haunting laughter

To

And of

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/7/15  ©

80 Miles Per Hour So Nobody Can See Me

The morning started off with an in depth Road Warrior style chat about our lives this morning with Ru. In my heart I felt that Road Warrior symbol go up in the air and I called to check on her. I got the run down and felt her position rather personally. *yeah I have a semi soft side for the select person, so fuck you*

We live our lives to want the best for each other and in each other's lives. To be able to know that the other is smiling, having a good time and living life. It is hard when the obstacle is what you desire. And that is the point where you have to take true inventory and make an unwanted decision at that crossroad in life.

I gave her the everclear straight no chaser answer to it all. Knowing that I want her to have what I don't and probably never will. My road dawg is good then I am good. One of the only times that this is true anymore. I wanted to say something all inspiring and with a positive outlook. But I needed to be real with her first and I did. Then I gave her the positive outlook, "hey look at my shit!" lmao

I know the anger, the betrayal, the rage and the desire that she is feeling. I know it on a personal daily basis for much of my life.

I am getting better. At least I am able to eat more than soup during a day now. And my energy level has increased more. It just is not at optimal levels yet.

I ended up going to my uncle's 80th surprise birthday party. it is hard to believe that he is that old. And it was funny to pick at him about the pic of him with a buck that he supposedly shot on the back of the truck in a pic they took on his actual birthday.

So many people know him from him working and helping others and all. Hell, people at the cigar shop know him.

As I sat there and watched him and my other uncle dancing around to the music. It reminded me of uncle ralph (miss you unk) and the mark we leave in history. The aftermath of your existence.

I know that are those that claim that they will miss me when I am gone. And I know that there are definitely 2 people that will. But I just want everyone to enjoy themselves and party on. to remember that I was simply me. Mean, grumpy, teddy bear, evil, asshole, motherfucker, dictator that was ready to take over the world.

I don't worry about my mark that I leave. I may be the ghost who walks but there are traces left behind mentally, spiritually and physically.

*chunking the deuce and shooting two in the air*

enjoy

More Than Meets The Eye

It has been a while. Hell, I have been sick, dealt with shit, parental units are still driving death into hell. And of course the usual brain on overload.

Boba Fett
Miyamoto Musashi
General George S Patton

These individuals hold characteristics, traits and commonalities that link to me. Things like being the most hated, the most feared, the craziest, the coldest and bound to duty that you don't even agree with.

I don't just walk on the darkside at times. I am the darkside. Doing the nasty, evil things that others won't or can't.  The person that they can leave as the enemy and disenfranchised.

Up until the previous year I attacked my goal when it was important to me. Leaving no obstacle or fortified monument in front of me to achieve my target. Then the epihany finally bombed me. What was the purpose of any of these things if they are only my tendrils of importance and meaning? I was merely a mercenary fighting a battle against the universes. A battle where the enemy was everything but me. The ultimate in futility.

I remain a detached anomaly. But the key is not detached emotions or emotional content. But an enhancement of those things to a point where their importance remains a sacred field of piety. That place where the anger and rage runs free. The result of what the Hulk said in the Avenger's movie the best. "it is time to get angry." The Hulk's response "I am always angry!" That phrase resonates on a pitch that only the elite can understand. Where connection to being yourself is like fluid transmission. I love, care and feel extremely deeply. Deep to the point where there is no longer anything because their is no reason for that to be seen.

I deal with the parental units because I have to because of duty. The inability for anyone else to be able to or want to do anything. Do I want to be bothered? Hell no! So I will deal with the drama, fucked up attitude and actions because I have to. Because duty no matter how I feel is required. Part of this station in life.

As with all mercs, hired guns and outlaws there comes a time where tactics had to change. When the on coming last ride gets closer and closer to happening.  So you no longer fight everyone and everything. You feel and desire less than you use to. And your views are even stranger than what you use to think. This was personified in two great western movies "Invitation to a gunfighter with Yul Brenner," and Clint Eastwood's "Unforgiven." These are the moments that define us as who we are, was and could have been.

In my world of bdsm things have been shown the light. It is hard to realize how far I have come since last year even. The relations cultivated and the interactions that have been beneficial. Establishing style and experience. And the failure at the important relation I so desperately wanted. I can say that the growth has happened amid the lumps, bruises, cheers and jeers. And I am thankful for it all. It has allowed me to be a better Dominant, leader, alien and responsible.

Hell, I even went to the gym for the first time in my life since college to workout and on my health. Changing eating styles and taking care of myself. And I am thankful for what motivated me at that time.  Now, there has to be something different to motivate me. I am not sure what it is or if it is going to even happen or is even necessary.

Speaking of health. the guy cliff that goes to the cigar shop here in town just had triple heart by pass the other day. i knew he wasn't taking care of himself and kept saying something to him about it but I feel bad for him. All of this happened after suffering a heart attack last week. Dialysis, bypass and all. I know he is mentally slow but he is good people. I will have to try and visit him  at the hospital once I feel better.

We live then die. Or we die and then live. Or we do a combination of both. Regardless we choose what marks are left behind through our actions, thoughts and interactions.  I hear Ru tell me that I can't die before she does. I merely chuckle and say think of the great party you will have when I am gone.  I need my fellow Road Warrior to send me off properly!

Just another day in the life of Havoc!

Beware the RIDE!!!

Take Me to Church...My D/s Style Lyrics

lil red turned me on to Hozier's "Take Me to Church" and I fell in love with the song.

When I heard it playing on the show Gotham and it was being sung by a female it reminded me what the song means to me in my personal way.

So let me break it down Havoc style

Lyrics:
My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshipped her sooner

My meaning: My lover is weird and crazy
She does the things that others don't see
Most don't understand them
This is why I am so close and attracted to her

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

I found the one who keeps my attention and makes me happy
Body of a goddess and skilled mentality
Enjoy is our regular activity

"We were born sick, " you heard them say it

We are so different. We stand out and they hate it. What they are looking for and want but are not ready  to maintain things.

My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you

There is no rudementary experience or learning. The tears that are shed are to worship my orchestrations for more pain.  She calls me for her need to be restrained and feel the embrace of pain.
So among the pain I can hold her there drifting. Happily lost in the pleasure of her pain.

I was born sick


But I love it
Command me to be well
Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

You were in state of my essence even though you fought it.
Tasks and assignments give structure to concerned tactics. 
As I look out for your well being and health.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

Follow my lead
through each dungeon and episode
Tell me your fears and feelings
let me twist them into the beauty that is required
attend to my needs
as we delve deeper and deeper into our D/s relation
share it all with me so that we can makes changes in life
submit to me your essence and being so that betterment can be attained

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

I am not your ordinary being
I am weird and non conforming
you bring me joy, delight and vibrant life
holding the full darkness of me from exploding everywhere
You are my sacrifice
The key to feeding the darkside and the beast

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine-looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

There is nothing that can change the power of this
Prepared instruments and techniques to rearrange
goals, results and destiny
I see you in all of your current glory
But I will make you glow like a super saiyan
feed you to the masses
show them the results of you...the holy grail



My Results of this song
Come worship this dynamic. Pay homage to our journey. Let us learn and grow 
As you serve me and serve us we grow exponentially.

The worship is the dedication and focus on honor, service and duty. The things that press our relation forward. 

The church is us. The temple. The combination or unit that is our dynamic. the D/s relation and all of it's meaning between us. The trust, hierarchy and discipline

Combined all of these things are compelling and moving. The "take me to church," symbolizes my relationship. The infliction of pain upon her when I play and satisfy her needs. And the purity of our connection and purpose.

Who would have thunk it? That a song lil red introduced to me would have a profound effect and be the backbone of our theme music that plays during each interaction.

An Adventure In Baking

Ok so ibhad never heard of white sweet potatoes until I got them from Auntie. Even the guys at the cigar shop mentioned that the white ones are sweeter than the regular ones.

So I made a white sweet potato pie.

Oooooooo Yyeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!

Moods, Moments and the End of Watch

Sister is gone and I have the house to myself. There is a peace among the chaos and inflamed, enraged moments. That peace is a needle in the multiverse but it stands the test of time somehow.

Time has exposed and revealed intricacies that have been stunning and shocking as well as remembrance to what was and is.

Yeah, the evil archangel has a heart. One built in a way that isn't a blueprinted reprint. I love and in love with the One. Given heart, body and soul openly. The old days are gone though. And with it the application of my true comfort laid bare. I no longer cling to previous principles after my appeal and the cataclysmic reveal. The motes in my eyes fried like eggs in the Sahara. The chaotic change has changed me, simple and plain. Sitting behind armor, sentries and land mines lives that warmth, love and caring feeling inside.

Yet, I function and release the tip of the ice berg as if there were no changes. Giving the introductory positioning like lead poisoning. Click, click, click the safe remains closed to outside disturbances.

As my positive prognosis shrinks smaller. As reality squeezes even harder. I understand that change in stature, energy, presence and path. No remorse or anything as I already endorsed the so what thinking and action, both at full strength.

My mood is like standing in the sun. Burning, burnt and burned for eternity and beyond. Giving change, light and devastation with each word and action. Yes, that fits me and it shows through everything.My eclipse merely drips sarcastic, emotionless, apathetic enhancement.

I look at the One I love, the ones I love and those I care about. through the thick and thin we will remain connected if they choose. I still won't fight someone to be in a relationship with in anyway. But, I will still make our connection remain strong as possible.

My relationships mean a lot with me. So I am not flippant about it. But that is part of the reason that I am the exception to others understanding and rules. But right now relations are what they are. Oh well!!

The parental units have reached an all new high. But there is nothing more that I can do about the situation but do my unwanted and public enemy number one duty against the machine called parental units. As in feudal japan you did your duty no matter what your feelings and thoughts were. That is what I have had to do concerning the parental units. Even though I want to gladly go back to not doing a damn thing concerning them again. But I am the only one with a brain outside the 3 of them so I am stuck.

I look and see exactly what I want and need. In it's pure and most raw form. A hardened rock of a woman gleaming underneath is a crystal form of magnificence. I accept it all. Through the attitude, moods and contrary evidence. Simply because that vibe and connection that separated her from everyone and everything else was the ultimate defining factor. That one feeling is the prognosis for good thing in a better future.

The remnants of parts of me remain loosely caught on pikes. My flesh and brains stained with heart and soul remains. The whole is dismembered.

I wonder if I will ever be whole again. As I see the key to make that happen.

will it ever be

The End of My Watch again?

My Affect

It is like I am the dark side of the moon at times. Basically sitting in the blue section constantly. 

My interactions apparently can cause chaos. Let's be honest, many times cause chaos. And that fits why I am named Lord Havoc. 

I have spent time fighting that I wanted my permanent D/s relation. That union that would be tailor made to me and we were prepared to endure all that is life.

Since deciding this D/s journey I have been only in one dating relation. And it has been over a year. Yes, insert laughter here because that is just unbelievably crazy to think it happened. In that relation there has been growth, issues and setbacks. But it holds it's own weight and merits. 

I thought about poly. Just never thought it would happen with very little effort from me. But somewhere along the line there was an interest in me. (go figure). I am not the flavor of the month or a brand new shiny toy. I am just the newbie learning as I stomp through the savoy in combat boots in my tux. 

So the affect I have on others is interesting.

A woman that is gorgeous, super intelligent and weird as hell. But there has been some evolution and change with her and myself because of time spent and shared. Hell, I would have thought she would have remained the same hard headed, stubborn and difficult damn self. But my affect has been positive and negative.

My usual influence of making some realize their potential and worth. Others making them realize that it just won't work for them. 

And the results of being me are normally obvious. The disbelief in how and who I along with who interacts, wants and is with me. I am Public Enemy Number One, Zeus the immaculate one and Havoc the bringer of chaos and destruction to facilitate order and organization.

So basically, the things that I thought would leave my marks upon folks tend to do so. But I really don't see these imprints that I have left on people these days.

Yeah, this is weird. I am super weird. So what the hell were you expecting?

Have a good Monday. Ass smacks, titty grabs and gun shots to the ceiling.

And I am out!!!