Death Stars, Napalm and Amore

Complex Simplicity, has been the words that have said and described it all. An example of the dual purpose that I hold within me. From the deeply loving to the mr freeze of apathy. My laid back nature couples with my unbridled rage.

Even HQ has mentioned about maybe needing a grey area with things and people. But I find that I am super hardwired to be "all engines full ahead" or "all stop."  I don't know if this is something that rubbed off being around military bases and people or what. But it is how I grew and solidified myself in adulthood. I do gave a little bit of grey area to those I love and care about. Well, that is until that grey area is violated, used improperly or taken for granted. Then things return back to the basic formula once again and I adjust my interactions with them.  This really came into play this year with friends, lovers and applicants. My existence works upon the premise of either we roll together as Seal Team Six or you are an Enemy of My State.  But for the few that have made it into my inner sanctum sanctorum  it reflects a deeper meaning because I let you in to the place that I show love, caring and support.  The things that I explain to those accepted that they hold a high honor and importance to me.

The Lifestyle

Even in bdsm my factors have come into play. Having started out with someone that had already been in the lifestyle for many years as a sub/slave I still was in my zone. The area where I remain a dichotomy of action and thoughts. Becoming a Dom and also realizing I have naturally been that through nonsexual and sexual aspects. There has always been an effect that I caused with others within my interactions. Both mentally and physically.

Even in play, the pleasure and the pain are two opposing forces but have the same intensity and need for me to create. It is natural for a man not to want to inflict pain upon a female because we are drilled by society to see that as wrong and therefore should never happen.  But there has always been a need there. And I have to say the "retarded houston monkey bitch" showed me the way with that. When I choked her and fucked her with the anger and rage that I created. It brought that barrier down and shook my mental lock until it opened.

The intensity of giving pleasure and pain are both at the same high level for me. I have been doing forced orgasms and over stimulation through sex while swinging and in personal relationships since the beginning. Because that need to make them lose control, pass out, tap out and submit to the pleasure that I make them have is my addiction.  I have wanted. Not wanted. Needed! to be able to let go and give the pain but that aspect was one I had to be careful about. Because female can say they want all of me and can handle it. But when I do an honest assessment I know they can't handle it at all.  So I understand that and never let it happen so they don't end up hurt and damaged.

But now I have met someone that says and shows that she can handle it. And that is after slow walking painfully along (for her) to the point where I am comfortable with her being able to take and enjoy it. Because if I don't act responsibly then things won't be right at all. And there won't be repeat performances in pleasures. Thus, the super skepticism with those that claimed they can handle me or be my equal when they have limits on themselves.



Love and Apathy

My heart beats and glows like the sun on solar eclipse. While it also can be colder than the rings of saturn. What you see and experience all depends on where you choose to be.

I am the one who will walk with you into the bowels of your hell and safe guard you.  Sit quiet and listen or even just both of us quietly reflect upon you.  When I say I love you I mean it with the weight of a universe upon it. And when it is said to me I expect it to have the same meaning to you. Is that fair? Yes, it is. Because I explain that it is not something taken lightly with me and that if it is not true love by the definition I use then don't bother with it.

This is where HQ's mention about the in between areas comes to fruition. I remain open, available and actively providing love, support and passion for our relationship.  That is until you choose and show me that it is not wanted, appreciated or warranted. Then the Master of Apathy appears in place of the caring Zeus that you are use to.  I will address the change with you. Speak my mind and heart. Leave you to understand and resolve the issues. Then at appointed time when things have not changed. I will merely switch the light switch to the off position where it concerns you. That means leaving communication up to if you want to. Communication between us de-evolved to an associate level.

There are no dissillusions here. I know what love is. I get love from the rare ones that know what true love is. Munchkin and Ru Ru hold me down in this aspect no matter the situations our lives deal to us.  As I have watched lovers and friends unable to handle it.

My eyes are wide open! Anything less than required....I am not having it



So as I prime my Death Star and double check my clone troopers and napalm. I leave you with this to further and foster understanding.  Understanding the depths of this power and effect.


The Force of My Dark Side

Their Presence and Past: Through The Magnifying Glass

Yes, I observe and analyze. It is my design.

People change. Whether it is good or bad tends to be a matter of view and perspective. And especially their mental ability.

So when you establish relationships and they change drastically. The red flags, bells and whistles go off. That is if you have known them or at least thought you knew them for a while. At times the transition is obvious and other times it is totally chaotic and unforseen until it drops like an anvil on top of you.

Depending on the importance of relationships for you will be your response. You show concern and address it with them. Ask them what has changed. Reinforce that you are with them.

The hard part as a concerned member of a relationship is hoping they come to terms and grasp what is going on with them. Because you can slap them in the face with what is seen and going on. But free will is something else!

When you no longer present a presence. What can you expect those that have been in a relationship with you to do?

Looking at the score cards. These sub par episodes are not what the doctor ordered. 

Let the hounds loose. 

Let them receive what they seek.

The void

The emptiness

The detachment

Prevalence!!!

A Difficulty Called ME

I always thought that direct and to the point was the best thing possible. A way that everything was laid on the table. Upfront and slapped in the face honestly.  Apparently that was my misunderstanding from being around females as so called friends growing up. Watching them in their relationships and hearing them complain made me think about things. Adjust and apply myself.

I am direct and formidable in expressing exactly what I want and need. I never really considered it would be an issue with anyone that I wanted or had in my circle until recently. I have not tried to change or turn anyone. I merely remained myself. Even though most have said and wanted me to acquiesce to them and their thinking. I merely accept them and their differences and focus on the important things and goals.

Hell, I married the woman that was the feminist to my chauvinist. My direct and concise self doesn't take away from how deeply I love and care about you. I know I am hardcore. I don't think and do how other males do. But I will stand my ground, protect you with my last breath and do whatever I can.

It is true I have little tolerance for things. Because I ask you to be yourself and express what you feel and want without judgement. But most females find that impossible. I have definitely witnessed that first hand this year. Is there something wrong with allowing you to be an adult and exercise your free will? I just decided to be straight forward and direct. When I feel it I will say it and show it.

So this is why relationships don't work with females. I am leaving them and women in fear because I don't slow walk things along. I am the frontal assault individual when I don't have to use tactics. I want you to be mine and or with me. But the choice remains yours to accept or deny it.

Having listened to Sir Strange and others about their poly homes had me thinking about it and wanting to do it. Hell I have had poly relations before this with Em, that chick in gboro, Dizzle and the henderson chick. It just wasn't everyone under one rough and not as focused. But even in thinking about that. Even happy at the two that I wanted my poly house to be. Reality came crashing down. Showing me the need to really evaluate those individuals that I want to be my family. Because the strength of that family is extremely important.

There has always been a matter of wondering about if I was able to be happy with just one woman. And I know I can if I make sure that she has everything that can keep me satisfied. Even though I pieced together the different females to achieve the whole that I wanted for a long time before now. My sexual appetite kept increasing and my need for more and more took over to the point where I had to have more than one to keep from damaging them and not having a repeat. From drying them out completely from squirting to the pain of our sessions for days later.

From atlanta and cycling the nurse, raven and others I could fit in. To adventures here in NC of em, chan, gboro, henderson, archdale. I needed them to feed my carnal desires. To feed my need to make them provide forced orgasms for my pleasures. To leave box springs soaked and dehydration a constant.

That poly relationship I would love to have right now. I realize just how hard it is to find two that fit. Hell, I am going through the briar patch finding one. lol But it would be easier on the women to have each other to be able to deal and handle me and all of my intense, eccentric activities.

The door is Open. Stepping in is a choice. Not a coercion

Changing Of The Guard

From swinging to bdsm?

I have actually incorporated them both I realized for a long time now. From when I began letting my freaky side out on whoever I was seeing. I guess I would have to say that it started somewhere in the 90s. I never realized until recently that I was doing forced orgasms and Loving It! It was just natural to me. I have always enjoyed making them cum until I was satisfied. Past their point of tolerance. Where they are super sensitive. Well everyone except for HQ it seems for now.

I started swinging in chicago in the early 2000s. Probably around 2002 or 2003. Introduced into the lifestyle by a couple I met online somewhere. I went to my first party and found them friendly and inviting. Everyone had a good time and made me feel welcomed. Later on I found out this was the difference between mixed race parties and black folks. Black folks tend to not be friendly or inviting for the most part I have learned over the years.

Years have passed and I had gotten burned out on swinging parties. I rarely went anymore. They were mostly boring to me. And I learned that if I didn't bring my own playmate that I was bound to be bored. Oh, don't get me wrong. I have been to some great parties and had some great times. I had the best foursome ever at the diva's party in detroit courtesy of my gary ex.

Now, it seems that I have transitioned more into bdsm. Especially after attending my first bdsm conference. I got a piece and want more. It didn't hurt that HQ and I had some great sessions as well. I am looking forward to more bdsm events. And more adventures with HQ as well.

It has really hit home how different swinging is for me this year after the cabin trip and this beach trip. I am really not feeling it too much anymore unless I went with a hand picked bunch of people that I knew that we would all have a good time and enjoy each other without the issues or groupings. I have supported and went when someone wanted to go and needed me as a date. But my desire has been next to nothing these last few years.

Have I given up on swinging? No, I am just very, very selective about attending and who is going to be there now. Along with the main ingredient of who will I bring to be my personal slut while I am there.

With that said. Oh well, another learning experience. More reinforcement on why I have to be picky and vigilant.

That's right. The see saw is tipped to the bdsm side heavily now with a huge dose of slutism.