Therapy Session

Hope you are having a good day. I am just here at the cigar shop relaxing and talking. Why is this therapy? Well because I can relax, talk and have a good time here. I come here even when I do not smoke. Lol


I guess it is aboit time for lunch. I think I will be making burritos for lunch/dinner.

And probably a lot of my own porn tonight. Lol

Have a good weekend.

If I had to go the skinny route *lol*

Laila would be the best choice for me.

Yeah, yeah she doesn't have titties, ass or a bunch of curves but she is tall and gorgeous.

Judge me all you want lol

Reasoning and Application of Havoc

Ok so this is going to be about my name in the bdsm world. Because my Chocolatezeus name is not used there. And there are those that think that it is because of it is a different side to me. Well....It is not.


The Definition

hav·oc

ˈhavək/

noun

1. 1.

   widespread destruction.

   "the hurricane ripped through Florida, causing havoc"

   synonyms:

   devastation, destruction, damage, desolation, ruination, ruin; More

verb

archaic

1. 1.

   lay waste to; devastate.

Who is Havoc?

Based on the definition one things of destruction in the negative sense purely. And there is where the rub lies as they say. Destruction and chaos are the things that create change and evolution. How do these things apply to me you ask?

Here is your answer:

I am and always have marched, fought, pontificated and gave spoken words to my own design and purpose. The widespread destruction that I have brought and will continue to bring has been mentally, spiritually, educationally and physically. But I have always effected change in whatever situation I was involved in.

Because of my stubborness to just be myself and destroy the ideologies of others that they want to inflict on me there is the aspect of chaos. Which fits very well with the destruction that is also me.

See...
I am the light and the dark. The good and the evil. I am the eternal battle of life's struggles wrapped up in one vessel. And I embrace it all because it is me down to my atoms. I observe, analyze and then chart my own path based on my needs and goals. It is baffling to others I know.  From being a teddy bear to a very select few and then nonchalant or being an evil, motherfucking, bastard, asshole to others. I am a full service type of man. lol

I am always Havoc. I am not always Chocolatezeus or Zeus. There is the fundamental difference. Havoc incorporates the anti-establishment, sex addict, sadistic, loving, caring and adventurous person that is me. How I can say I love you before I slap you and beat you with glee just to satisfy me. Or how I can once love you and then feel the black hole of nothingness towards you.

Though most will not understand that in chaos and destruction there is pure focus. I will remain in my steadfast course. My mind may think of 590 million things per second at one time and I will broach subjects randomly, thinking that others can understand or keep up. But that doesn't change how I deeply I remain focused on what is important to me. All you have to do is talk to me and ask me about goals and what it is I seek and I will tell you and show you.

Marcus Antonius:
And Caesar's spirit, raging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war,
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

Julius Caesar Act 3, scene 1, 270–275

Between Me, Myself and I

Among the razor edge brambles
between close spaced mines
while dancing between mortar shell landings

I am here

While the chaos consumes
the mind overflows with thoughts and information
experiences and observations are braved

I am here

Our experiences and what we come in contact with help define us. But it is your mind and ability to understand, accept and be yourself that paves the way.

I have never been accused of being one to follow the leader. Well expect for the parental units, but they have no fucking clue about shit.

I am merely the land mass that stands against the water and the sand. Changed over time but still the same.

There are moments where that special, modern monastery would be really Perfect!!!

A Cerebro Kind of Week

I have to say I feel like I have been sitting in cerebro many times this week with the interactions, thoughts and analysis. And believe me I am not complaining. Hell, I couldn't anyway as much as my brain runs around the clock anyway.

Discussions on the conference call this night about people understanding and their application of the words honesty and transparency was interesting. I never thought about the fact that humans may have no concept of that when I ask them to just be honest with me. Their honesty may be telling me what they feel comfortable with only. Not the total truth. And that is from upbringing, socializations and experiences. The light went off when it was explained. And of course Lil Red agreed that there was no common meaning to things. Everything is subjective. And considering her that is a pure law at all times.

There was also a conversation about long distance relationships. The need for rituals and service. The things that allow the dynamic to be close and have meaning. And honestly this application is difficult because of how her brain is wired. I have had to be creative and work at a pace that I am not use to honestly. But the Master spoke on his experience and about his slave and dynamic. I can feel that because of the similarity that I have currently. Long distance is difficult but I am looking at the goal. The being together goal in the end, in the dynamic that is us. The obstacles right now are there and being worked on daily. But I feel the same way that he did. I found the right one. The one that I have trust in, that connection that sets her apart and the relationship that is beneficial and that I want to have and grow. It was definitely a hopeful inspired message of what I seek. The dynamic and the wife and family. Simply the things that I already said to Lil Red and put on the table prominently.

Lil Red and I have talked quite a bit this week. I guess naked time helps and her mother being gone most definitely. Working on the stumbling blocks of communication. Really have to always keep in mind how she thinks and perceives things so that there isn't a disconnect constantly. I don't have to lie about needing my quality time with Lil Red. It is part of helping things with me. She brings a peace and calm that allows for my life to take a moment to breathe. Then I can work on things in a better mind set and more effectively.

There is always a discussion about Doms listening to their subs and slaves. Honestly I trust Lil Red implicently. I know she keeps my best interest at heart and I always am glad and appreciate of that. Even when she may think I dont' listen to her. lol  But just as I remain concerned about her I am thankful that she remains concerned about me.

This week has opened the doors to understanding dynamics more intimately. With rituals, concern and dissapointment all in the mix. But this week has been really monumental in the aspect fo dynamics.

Right now I seriously need my FIX! Like a car's tune up and oil change to make things handle rightly again.

This had me ctfu

A Dream Differed...Road Warrior's Conference

I needed to touch base. Connect to the person that grounds things for me since candidates are not able to handle this duty. We keep each other sane.

We talked about the changes. How I have managed to be in a relationship for a year this way. Honestly we are both rather shocked about things. Hell, our relationships tend to be the things of Legends. (lol...honestly)

We love and care deeply. And can be nonchalant, cold and everything.(well I am better at the evil things. after all she is sweet)

So we talked about our situations with our usual brutal honesty. We found something we wanted and needed in who we are seeing. She also brought up the past points and fallacies while reminding me not to repeat the things that further angered the Beast. She noticed the place where I have gone currently and commented on it. Giving me perspective from a valued source.

Yeah, I realize the duty and calling of a Titan. The chaos and void will continue to be and keep pace with things.

A Dream Differed

Hope

Luck and chance

Axis of enemies in this corporal punishment

I tried

Played their game

Capitulated the drone intensity

But I am merely

That devil dancing in the pale moonlight

I wanted that miracle again

This time times 10

Marriage and a D/s dynamic

All the trappings that would me

Happy, happy

Joy, joy

Then reason hit me

Road Warrior conference thinking

As I heard Biggie sing “It was all a dream”

But my dream is a penalty

Here I sit in congress with Reality

As this bitch laughs at me

I wonder if this is

The culmination of finality

Looking at the dream

Through the door’s partial opening

No longer hoping

Dreams

My mortal enemy

From the chocolatezeus collection  10/20/15  ©

love and relationships are a bitch that does a living autopsy on you and then you die

Clarity

Sometimes it comes in little bites.
Sometimes in streaming lines.
And then at times overwhelming landslides.


There are times when it cuts quick and deep. Moments where it last forever or you just missed it.

It's results:
understanding
consideration
resulting responses

Will this cause me to think and act?
Or will this merely be a shooting star style flash in the pan?

When life is merely reenacted uncertainty. You have to choose your path.
Active or passive.

I hear and feel the rumble of my army. The natural selection and order of things. As I have experienced and witnessed abnormalities, changes have occured and may happen. But only to attain the goals that I need. Wait are those goals even relevant anymore? Or are they merely dead corpses of what was, could have been. The myriad of fantasy and pipe dreams.

I can only laugh at the affect of the effects of this adventure. Give tribute to an elusive tribulation. the baptism has cauterized me. Has it made me barren or was it so that things could be bared openly for only me to understand, comprehend and be?

Has this clarity merely brought and defined fully a calamity. And i am not jane with my rifle to turn the tide of body and mind.

One shot, one kill. Nevermind that was a waste of time. I should have bought a havoc tactical nuke mine. Then everything would be supremely fine.

I bow my head in reverence to the messages that have been allowed into my soul and mind.

Unchained only to be changed. There never was a use for frame of mind. That was just another technique to be used to play with my state of mind.

Yet still, I Decide

The Evening's Main Course

I figured I would go a little strange before I post some other stuff this evening.

Yes I am a bkack man that can cook. Because I like to eat and enjoy food.

Well everything except things like soy, ground turkey, vegan and vegetarian crap. Lol

So tonight I decided to do it healthy and fix some shrimo and beef stir fry for dinner. (Shut up it is healthy)

I hope you had some real food too!

The Cable vs Apocalypse Syndrome

I reflect on where I have come from and where I head to. Still I remain the same. Just some things here and there have been processsed and applied.

It is amazing that I used that patience thing in the last year in dealing with a relationship. I am not use to doing that. It showed me what is part of this modern day age of so called dating thing.

My allocation of my sadistic part has increased to a point where now I am prepared and happy to be at. It is merely a matter of when I might be able to apply more of just me. It felt good to release more of me with Lil Red in Toronto but now I need to feed more fully and purposely. That sadistic need is beating the kokoro drum to me constantly.

I have learned, applied and experienced in this year things that I had no clue I would previously. And even though I am questioned about who and what I am. I remain steadfast and vigilantly me. No longer with shared outlook. But merely goals that are oriented and set ahead of me. The question only remains who will be there in the end with me or not.

Now there is a poly aspect. Giving way to experiences of whole new things. I haven't sought any of this. I merely let it happen. Thought, communicated and chose the possibilities. Now, there is only actions and what ends up happening.

I drew my line in the sand a long time ago. I am not afraid to say what I want and act upon it if there is a true reason. I want that D/s wife and relationship to happen. But, I am not chasing anyone or anything. I merely shrugged and laughed at the application. That woman that I can restrain, inflict pain, be my slut whore submissive to me. Maybe it is a pipe dream, maybe not. I know what I seek and want. That is all that is important to me.

This journey has taken on such a mark of the dichotomy of what exists in me. That combination of everything. the light and dark that maims and loves with insanity.

The relationship that I want with Lil Red is laid out like a fillibuster in the House. No blueprint or guide like our military mission statements. I have my objective in sight. And I am glad for what she has shared and can provide.

My addition brings me to use of and application of concern, control and tasks that I haven't been able to use that much previously. I look forward to the learning that ensues.

it is not about the play for me first and foremost. It is about the relationship. the D/s relationship that is a large key. And I stand by my decision, what I want and with who it should be. The roles are very clear. I speak simply and honestly for me. I don't hold the mind, heart or soul of any other so I cannot do anything but maintain the choice that is for me. The one who I know is key. let that be the relationship foundation that I seek and we need. from which to evolve and blossom into great things. And from this great dynamic that I feel and see with her I know that it will be epic. That is just the way we can be.

I will continue my journey. Whether the players change or leave. I am Kwai Chang Caine on my journey to enlightenment. The only difference is that I chose the one who will best serve me on this journey. 

It is Time. As things are caught in Time!