So Ru Ru said it best when she said, "I guess it hasn't been realized that you have disconnected and backed away."
That statement was based on feelings, desire and want. Since she knows me the best and the closest she can pick this out rather effortlessly. And she had picked it out early in the year.
Fear stops most and hinders a few. But fear is something that you can choose to overcome. As a man and Dom I have fear of failure, purpose and goals not being achieved. But I decided not to be complacent or a victim to fear.
My desire and choice in relationship is one of purpose and achievement. So I am always ready to dive in and be vested in making it work out the best way possible. Gung Ho and crushing all the fear, anti emotion and feeling barriers and all. That is until...
Until, I realize that it is not worth it or not felt or wanted. At that point as Ru pointed out. I just go into whatever mode. If we see each other then fine. Keep the effort minimum or possible life support. This is where "it is what it is" remains in play.
The relationship that I want and require I remains the goal. Reality shows me that I just have to shrug and sit back and do nothing. But this is the part of D/s that isn't all glamorous as we have discussed a number of times. This is the mundane and daily, regular maintenance of a D/s relation. And I am managing it as well as it can be. There is no blueprint and in my case it is all weird and crazy fly by the seat of your pants thing.
Here is the key though. You have to want to be bothered with who you are in a relation with even when you are not playing and being kinky. And I have done that and I have branched out to grow my experience through different other aspects of subs. And still my one dynamic remains key and the goal line for me. That D/s with permanency that I want and seek.
There is no breath holding. No, phrase of positivity to be spewed. There is only the realization that it is all out of my hands. All I can do is stand back, stay uninvolved and let whatever happen.
Until something changes and says yes we can. Then i will sit back and watch the waves crash. Get in where I feel like I want to fit in temporarily and just be like "FUCK IT" like clockwork again.
Hmm, reminded shades of the build a bitch program again.
It definitely was an interesting friday the 13th yesterday for show. Ghosts of the past at the cigar shop. Conversations I didn't ever expect. Another level of understanding presented. And thankfully no aunt I do not like staying here last night. Amen
It is a nice crisp day so enjoy yourself. The fall is finally here. And I am looking forward to anger and destruction again.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Legion of Doom Exclusive
I had to chuckle a bit about just how close and connected Ru Ru and I are as fellow Road Warriors.
Two people joined together by chance and from the actions of the retarded monkey bitch. And years later we have grown to be this close and this intuitive of each other.
One of the similarities that we have is our ridiculous voracious appetite for sex. We both will fuck for hours and keep on going. And neither one of us are in adonis or aphrodite shape. When the beast calls then it is on and it laughs at those that can't keep up. So we want at least 3 or 4 to scratch the itch. The difference is that she can get the dick. Hell she is an attractive woman after all. lol I on the other hand am not getting the pussy like that. If I could have some steady quality pussy then my anger and things would be slightly better. But if I have the pussy that I need to use and have then everything is right in the world. I don't need new pussy or even a bunch of pussy. Just give me quality pussy and a whole fucking lot of it! But I do enjoy listening to Ru's stories of her harem and fucking guys into a coma. lol And yes I have witnessed it in person a few times and I still pick at her about that.
This is as intuitive as I get when it comes to her. We can both kind of feel if something is wrong or out of place. So a untimed call or message will appear promptly to ask what is up. And we may talk about what is going on immediately or it may take us a bit of time before it is mentioned. Either way we will keep each others backs.
She is the sweeter side with the propensity to be mean. I am the mean side with the propensity to be even worst.
She is the one that saves so many from the scorched universe policy.
She is also the one who knows when I love and how deeply it goes. And the point where love no longer matters and there is nothing there for me.
Her focus has always been on the best for me and mine the best for her.
She is the reason why I took a chance on marriage and even considered getting married again. That support was there even when I had already said fuck it.
In my Inner Sanctum. The Sanctum Santorum is Ru Ru. And until someone chooses to accept their role and be there also then there is only her. The place where all of me is open and available. The mark of your importance in my life.
We are the Legion of Doom.
We will fuck you, you and you and still be ready for another 5 or 6 of you.
We are nice until it is time to rip out your heart and feed it to you.
Ready, willing to do whatever we can to help and support you.
The nexus of love and hate is where we dwell.
I love my Ru Ru to infinity and beyond. It still doesn't mean that I don't need the One to be in my inner sanctum with me too.
Two people joined together by chance and from the actions of the retarded monkey bitch. And years later we have grown to be this close and this intuitive of each other.
One of the similarities that we have is our ridiculous voracious appetite for sex. We both will fuck for hours and keep on going. And neither one of us are in adonis or aphrodite shape. When the beast calls then it is on and it laughs at those that can't keep up. So we want at least 3 or 4 to scratch the itch. The difference is that she can get the dick. Hell she is an attractive woman after all. lol I on the other hand am not getting the pussy like that. If I could have some steady quality pussy then my anger and things would be slightly better. But if I have the pussy that I need to use and have then everything is right in the world. I don't need new pussy or even a bunch of pussy. Just give me quality pussy and a whole fucking lot of it! But I do enjoy listening to Ru's stories of her harem and fucking guys into a coma. lol And yes I have witnessed it in person a few times and I still pick at her about that.
This is as intuitive as I get when it comes to her. We can both kind of feel if something is wrong or out of place. So a untimed call or message will appear promptly to ask what is up. And we may talk about what is going on immediately or it may take us a bit of time before it is mentioned. Either way we will keep each others backs.
She is the sweeter side with the propensity to be mean. I am the mean side with the propensity to be even worst.
She is the one that saves so many from the scorched universe policy.
She is also the one who knows when I love and how deeply it goes. And the point where love no longer matters and there is nothing there for me.
Her focus has always been on the best for me and mine the best for her.
She is the reason why I took a chance on marriage and even considered getting married again. That support was there even when I had already said fuck it.
In my Inner Sanctum. The Sanctum Santorum is Ru Ru. And until someone chooses to accept their role and be there also then there is only her. The place where all of me is open and available. The mark of your importance in my life.
We are the Legion of Doom.
We will fuck you, you and you and still be ready for another 5 or 6 of you.
We are nice until it is time to rip out your heart and feed it to you.
Ready, willing to do whatever we can to help and support you.
The nexus of love and hate is where we dwell.
I love my Ru Ru to infinity and beyond. It still doesn't mean that I don't need the One to be in my inner sanctum with me too.
Recovery Before the Fall
The mortars have been dropping constantly. The sounds are no longer deafening. Merely a wall of silence.
I have watched, listened and just been lately. And the information that has been gathered even I had to look at it sideways for a moment. Seeing that pattern emerge against a landscape barren and devoid of content.
I was about to make that mistake again. Letting an internal stimuli surface again. Thankfully, I saw and caught it before it reared it's ugly head.
The desolation.
Application of this station.
Dissapearing affects.
...Life
It has happened
and there is nothing more to be done or said.
empty is the chalice
as each step taken
fire branded
marked with the void
devoid of substance
I am glad I caught this shit before it made a full fledged mark again!
I have watched, listened and just been lately. And the information that has been gathered even I had to look at it sideways for a moment. Seeing that pattern emerge against a landscape barren and devoid of content.
I was about to make that mistake again. Letting an internal stimuli surface again. Thankfully, I saw and caught it before it reared it's ugly head.
The desolation.
Application of this station.
Dissapearing affects.
...Life
It has happened
and there is nothing more to be done or said.
empty is the chalice
as each step taken
fire branded
marked with the void
devoid of substance
I am glad I caught this shit before it made a full fledged mark again!
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Missed Opportunities, Build a Bear Etchings and Oddities
A monday again.
So I went by the cigar shop to rap a taste and smoke produce a haze. I was welcomed back just like ever Cheers episode. And they had to tell me that I missed Richard Roundtree (the original shaft for those not of age), a basketball player named cliff livingston and some comedians. They said they had a good time laughing at stories. They were here for the willie stargell golf tournament. Apparently the little skinny black news caster's sister was married to him. I saw her in the store before I left. Apparently she knew Tim and he was donating some cigars to the tournament or something as well. So I missed the opportunity to meet Shaft and others unfortunately and laugh hard. But hey I missed it for a good cause and that is all that counts.
Next comes the hodge podge of reality of life. Cuing Soul II Soul "Back to Life."
Ok, I still don't understand the I need attention and a back to the future past, but won't do what is necessary to have a chance at that happening. It baffles me to keep saying the same thing and then do nothing to facilitate it. I wonder if there is an ability to ever move past this stage. But then it is merely wonderment after all. Truly I held on to a distant past in a fickle future and it did not come out well at all. The human tragedy saga continues on at an uncontested speed.
Which leads me to the aspect of infosec. When I ask someone to open up to me and they do so in strict confidence I adhere to that because I chose. I do not like hearing about someone else discussing who I spoke to or what was spoken on. Especially if you don't know me like that. I find that to be some serious breach. It is a flash back to bitch ass episodes in the past with big giant head, the gary ex and all. And when I heard it I had to re-evaluate any future interactions that may concern this person. Because if you are doing this and you have only met me once or twice then there is an issue and it is not me. And this seems like the messy shit that I had heard about last year. Red flag has gone up and one .50 cal shell has been put in the chamber.
The aspect of what I say to a sub was driven home the last days. In an effort to please I didn't realize that they would do things that went against their core beliefs or deep comfort just to please. And in a suggestion, not even a command. And to be so messed up from it that your anger is off the charts made me contemplate. From D/s relation I continue to foster growth, accomplishment and duty. The things that will help in learning, growth and a subs future. That doesn't mean I have the blueprint or that all subs are the same and apply the formula. It means a tailor made situation for each person that specifically attunes to needs and goals.
And I found the Boba Fett build a bear costume. So I want to add that to the collection with a dark black or chocolate bear with one of the classic Boba Fett lines recorded. I guess I am going to start a build a bear collection then. Who would have thunk it. But it is good and funny to me. Plus letting the good times roll with the memories and meanings.
Some other things going on. But those things need to be addressed in the journal, through poetry posting and the ABM blog.
Enjoy yourself on this titty tuesday. I need them sexy chocolate, curvy, delicious, scrumptious melons in my life right now. And those chocolaty nipples are soooooo damn amazing!!!! I just had a flashback to a couple days ago. Damn I love them sexy things!!!
I guess I need to fix some breakfast and all that on that note though.
Waving as I look for the titty delights!!!
So I went by the cigar shop to rap a taste and smoke produce a haze. I was welcomed back just like ever Cheers episode. And they had to tell me that I missed Richard Roundtree (the original shaft for those not of age), a basketball player named cliff livingston and some comedians. They said they had a good time laughing at stories. They were here for the willie stargell golf tournament. Apparently the little skinny black news caster's sister was married to him. I saw her in the store before I left. Apparently she knew Tim and he was donating some cigars to the tournament or something as well. So I missed the opportunity to meet Shaft and others unfortunately and laugh hard. But hey I missed it for a good cause and that is all that counts.
Next comes the hodge podge of reality of life. Cuing Soul II Soul "Back to Life."
Ok, I still don't understand the I need attention and a back to the future past, but won't do what is necessary to have a chance at that happening. It baffles me to keep saying the same thing and then do nothing to facilitate it. I wonder if there is an ability to ever move past this stage. But then it is merely wonderment after all. Truly I held on to a distant past in a fickle future and it did not come out well at all. The human tragedy saga continues on at an uncontested speed.
Which leads me to the aspect of infosec. When I ask someone to open up to me and they do so in strict confidence I adhere to that because I chose. I do not like hearing about someone else discussing who I spoke to or what was spoken on. Especially if you don't know me like that. I find that to be some serious breach. It is a flash back to bitch ass episodes in the past with big giant head, the gary ex and all. And when I heard it I had to re-evaluate any future interactions that may concern this person. Because if you are doing this and you have only met me once or twice then there is an issue and it is not me. And this seems like the messy shit that I had heard about last year. Red flag has gone up and one .50 cal shell has been put in the chamber.
The aspect of what I say to a sub was driven home the last days. In an effort to please I didn't realize that they would do things that went against their core beliefs or deep comfort just to please. And in a suggestion, not even a command. And to be so messed up from it that your anger is off the charts made me contemplate. From D/s relation I continue to foster growth, accomplishment and duty. The things that will help in learning, growth and a subs future. That doesn't mean I have the blueprint or that all subs are the same and apply the formula. It means a tailor made situation for each person that specifically attunes to needs and goals.
And I found the Boba Fett build a bear costume. So I want to add that to the collection with a dark black or chocolate bear with one of the classic Boba Fett lines recorded. I guess I am going to start a build a bear collection then. Who would have thunk it. But it is good and funny to me. Plus letting the good times roll with the memories and meanings.
Some other things going on. But those things need to be addressed in the journal, through poetry posting and the ABM blog.
Enjoy yourself on this titty tuesday. I need them sexy chocolate, curvy, delicious, scrumptious melons in my life right now. And those chocolaty nipples are soooooo damn amazing!!!! I just had a flashback to a couple days ago. Damn I love them sexy things!!!
I guess I need to fix some breakfast and all that on that note though.
Waving as I look for the titty delights!!!
Sunday, November 08, 2015
Yanked Out of Warp
I felt like an interdictor class star destroyer yanked me out of hyperspace and warp at the same time last night when I returned to the queen city. And for those of you not nerdy or geeky enough to know what an interdictor class star destroyer is. Well, it is the big ship Darth Vader was on in Star Wars that was shaped like an arrow.
I had good quality time. Laughing, talking, cuddling. Even the intimacy of closeness came into play. I didn't get out my sex fiend, mega deviant ways. But in other ways the beast was fed for a day. Hell, I even remembered what it was like to lay in a bed with a sexy woman. So it all added up to good positives.
But damn, when I had to come back and wait on their daughter to wake up and come get me. Reality laughed hysterically like an old frankenstein movie. The evil laughter still echoes today as their daughter sticks up tons and tons of christmas decorations for her mary kay event for the next weekend. She is down at least 3 or 4 christmas trees though. So that is a good thing unless she buys more to replace them. (dammit)
Back in the trenches and troughs of hell. We will see what steps forward are made this week.
Oh and it is sunday. It is time for some football! So eat, drink and be merry as you watch the nfl do something today. lol
Enjoy
I had good quality time. Laughing, talking, cuddling. Even the intimacy of closeness came into play. I didn't get out my sex fiend, mega deviant ways. But in other ways the beast was fed for a day. Hell, I even remembered what it was like to lay in a bed with a sexy woman. So it all added up to good positives.
But damn, when I had to come back and wait on their daughter to wake up and come get me. Reality laughed hysterically like an old frankenstein movie. The evil laughter still echoes today as their daughter sticks up tons and tons of christmas decorations for her mary kay event for the next weekend. She is down at least 3 or 4 christmas trees though. So that is a good thing unless she buys more to replace them. (dammit)
Back in the trenches and troughs of hell. We will see what steps forward are made this week.
Oh and it is sunday. It is time for some football! So eat, drink and be merry as you watch the nfl do something today. lol
Enjoy
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