The Day I Watched Myself Dying

As I sat there. Mind muddled. Unsteady. Shaking. Trying to formulate a solution. Realizing I was helpless. I did not think about me dying. I wasn't panicking about myself. I was thinking about had I prepared Ru, the girls and sunshine properly? Would them and others that care and love me be alright after I am gone? Had I done enough to help them deal with it all?

I have been doing better in taking care of myself and repairing what I could. But in a moment it all meant nothing to me.

Since being married I have been an advocate for preparing for death and the end. The hard subject matter but necessary to have some preparation for the inevitable. It is not easy to do or hear this subject matter concerning your loved ones. But it is a must. And in those moments before the girls came and saved me I was wondering if even did enough at all.

So be prepared. Prepare those that you love and be prepared. No matter what it is hard and will be harder when it happens.

Live life to the fullest. Love to the extreme. And experience everything.

CTX BBQ Virtual edition

The weekend was filled with learning, missing being in Texas and doing it all in person and evolution.  I am glad that they came up with this work around since being in person couldn't be done. It still didn't take away the sting of seeing ass, titties, people and everything in person along with feeling that energy.  But this also allowed for more people to experience CTX that wouldn't be able to come normally. It also helped dispell the interpretations of what it is about.

When it comes to this social platform applications I am like a fish out of water. Hell, I had to have babycakes give a layman''s intro course to dealing with zoom. And still had some network issues anyway. lol

Friday the opening address, Dominant roundtable, submissive roundtable and then the cigar social. A damn lot of knowledge was dropped.

And with people presenting like
Lady D Harrison
TheGoddessIndigo and Dr Bob
Master Beast and slave echo
Wrath Daddy
Master David and slave brynn
and even my babycakes presented for her second time

The cup runneth over with information, reflections, self evaluation and much more. And it wasn't the fully feel good stuff. There was the punch you in the face and you saw it coming type of aspect.

Hell, I didn't know the 1763 place was original where Lady D's PEP was and she helped that.

Well needed discussion about Leather was had each day. Much needed.

As I sat there listening. I realized how things had come full circle for me there on the conference.  People that I had been in the same space with and met in passing at the last Black Beat were here on this conference. Never would have thought about this. Black Beat was my first conference experience. There with the ex, red and cyberdiva I observed and took in a lot.  Hell, that is where I met little one officially from her toy class presentation.

To now be around the people that were there back then, before and now is humbling. Knowing that the journey has grown from there to now.

Still processing
Still humbled
Still mass thinking