The Sliding Scale

Hmm, thanksgiving has passed and christmas is next. Honestly, there is no relevance to these things and me. The keys to holidays being relevant are gone and the current application are nowhere to be seen. So, I am barren in the spirit as they say. Just here is the phrase that says it all and always lately.

Merle was talking to me in the cigar shop yesterday about buddhism and the monks teachings. They always pick at me because I am angry. But it is all in good fun. Merle was talking about having me stand behind him as he talks to the new thai fiancee. still can't believe he has to marry her before she has been here 90 days but that is something else. So he is talking to me about not being angry and letting things go. And most importantly the balance of yourself and life. And I do remember some of the teachings of Buddhism and things from back in the day. But balance I know a lot about. 

I never knew this would be as hard as college level vulcan arithmetic. 

Balance is what keeps me from destroying all being mode. When I am completely in balance with outlets, therapy and all in place. Things bother me but very rarely does it even register that much on the scale. But honestly that hasn't truly been in place since I was married.  And I miss and need it. 

My balance can be very simple. If there is someone that I am comfortable with to be close to and love deeply in my life. Just talking to them, being around them and with them will bring that balance and comfort. that shelter from the storm. But I have found that doesn't work unless the person that is the subject of my comfort and peace can't handle it or understand it. Then it becomes a disillusioned hindrance. All I need is for them to be themselves, talk to me and have a good interaction.  So when this blew up in my face this year I had to adjust as best as I could. 

My adjustment went to relying completely on being at the cigar shop, smoking, drinking and eating. Mixed in with writing, reading and watching things. Combined together they helped but they have not solved the issue or covered the wound.

It is apparent that currently that the more that progresses, the more unattached I become. And I guess that is because of attempts at development recently and their outcome. Either way the scale is in motion and it has stayed in motion. 

I honestly have to say right now. I miss the old times, the people that I could enjoy and my wife. Just better times. Then I hear chocolate dolls ass talking about I told you to do better and be happy. blah blah blah. just keep haunting me and shut up!

*to infinity and beyond...I am the result of the black hole gang*