Entrance Into My Day

Another year turned. And unlike last year and previous years it wasn't filled with travel, fun and excitement or new adventures.

It was filled with contemplation, realization and just life. As I sat there all night among the waves on the beach. I just dealt with it all. Well, as best as possible right now. There is so much going on.

I am thankful for Ru and keeping me sane, functional and helping me even when I am stubborn. She has been a life saver and more over and over again.

I can't say that everything has been horrible. I found what I wanted and I have worked towards it. Seeking to cross that finish line. I have had a moment of peace, pleasure and enjoyment this year. (I am beyond in need of one of those again to try and get back to being able to maintain). But I did see that momentary glimpse of me smiling happily.

My actions have always been gung ho towards that goal that I want and I am passionate about. It has always worked out well. Now, there is doubt. There is apprehension. And I had to realize just how deeply it went.

I have always led. Whether I needed to use my booming voice and presence or my natural way of quietly effecting change and action. Never have I questioned my Dom and dominance.  It is difficult when you encounter something that doesn't work out the way it has though. I will always have those that are enveloped in my world covered with concern, support and guidance.

My journey has been one of pure hell lately. But as is my nature I journey on for I am the Valley of Death. What I looked for to comfort, console and give me respite wasn't there. And it perplexed me. Then I realized the difference. The factors of now instead of how it should be. Understanding came and I had to close off alot of things with me. It has brought about unknown and familiar territory at the same time. And some of that concerns me.

I am looking right at what I want. The thing that will make me happy and give me a better outlook towards the future and growth. And I have to laugh because it is right out of reach for me. Can see it and almost touch it. But it is laughing at me.

The key has been understanding. And I have come to more and more of that. But I am wondering if the adverse of that will come to pass.

I think I am going to stop rambling here for now and return to thinking.

But I am thankful for those that have recognized another year for me. And glad for the things that have made me smile, laugh, crave and be happy.

I think it is time to go sit back on the beach and do my Atlas rendition again.

The Color Oracle Test

http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf

This was an interesting test. It actually is quite on point. A few things that don't fit me but that is cool. I am shocked how well it showed things concerning me.

Your General Disposition

 At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for inner peace. You are very saddened when you encounter difficulties in dealing with someone because for you, interpersonal harmony is a worthwhile ideal and the prerequisite for finding satisfaction and inner peace. To your sorrow, though, dissonance is an unavoidable ingredient of every human relationship.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing

Of great importance to you now is...


...unwavering stability.

Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from my...

You can ask yourself:

...joyful fulfillment of your desires.

It is very important to you to achieve what you are striving for and to experience the joyful fulfillment of your wishes. The thing that actually often compels you into action is your deep yearning for unadulterated, lasting happiness and inner peace. If you seek these things in the realm of material possessions, relationships and experiences, you will suffer disappointment over and over again. You believe you have the "magic formula" for achieving unadulterated happiness, namely...

You can ask yourself:

...a thorough solution to your problem.

You can see it is now time to get up on your hind legs. You want to carry out your plans carefully and thoroughly and not be diverted from them. You take your tasks seriously and are not satisfied with half-hearted solutions or superficial answers. On the contrary, you try to get to the bottom of things, and you seek a radical solution to your problems. In the face of your personal problems you also concentrate on...

...satisfying your needs undisturbed.

When daily stress takes a toll on your nerves, you prefer to retreat to a quiet place, to your comfortable home, your hobbies or the sweetness of doing nothing. This allows you to devote yourself, undisturbed by problems and worries, to the thing most important to you and which gives you satisfaction, to regenerate and to recharge your batteries. Your most marked need at present is...

...the wisdom to avoid risks.

You give careful thought to what you do and what you say to whom. You hide your emotions and objectives behind a friendly but inscrutable mask in order to protect yourself from unpleasant confrontations and criticism. Your caution and reserve can be a sign of intelligence but also an expression of underlying fears. It would do you good to reveal your emotions and fears to someone you feel very close to in order to break through the wall of mistrust that you have erected around yourself. When you are pressured by problems, your internal computer screen displays the recommendation...

...the pleasurable satisfaction of your desire for enjoyment.

An inner urge drives you to obtain the sensual enjoyments and pleasures that you now desire so much. You grab lustily at anything tasty that is on offer, and you are delighted when there is something good to drink with it. The other thing that can get you going is your hunger for sexual satisfaction. If someone tries to deny you this enjoyment, you can become aggressive and unpleasant.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...fear of rejection.

You often feel isolated from other people by an invisible wall, and sometimes you get the creeping feeling that even the people you like don't really love you and possibly even reject you. On the other hand, you enjoy standing out from the crowd with your willfulness, unusual views and egocentric behavior. Your “distinctiveness trip” does win you attention, but not the warm-hearted affection you require. You get an uneasy feeling due to your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...distressing relationship problems.

At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...painful sense of loneliness.

Your need for loving company and tender physical contact is not being satisfied in the measure you would like. Your hunger for warm-hearted attention drives you to seek contact. Although you hold close association with a few people, when the interaction is over, you often feel lonely and left to your own devices. It saddens you to find so little understanding and responsiveness towards your needs and difficulties. Sometimes you feel sorry for yourself because of your...

...emotional sensitivity.

When you think about the difficulties you have to cope with, your mood is anything but rosy. You have to steel yourself against exhausting demands, you feel unfairly treated, or you are faced with some other impositions. You try to adopt a thick skin, but you get worked up all the same and have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. At the moment, you are in quite bad spirits due to your...

...fear of misunderstanding.

You are fairly well convinced of your personal viewpoints, and you are certain that your needs, demands and plans are justified, but you fear others will show no understanding for them. In reality, you are often faced with misunderstanding, reserve or resistance because you are stubborn and a know-it-all. But you hardly let yourself be put off your stride. Other people show very little understanding for your...

...exhaustingly stressful situation.

The difficulties you are presently forced to deal with sometimes cause you distress and tax your energies. Instead of altering or leaving this situation, you heroically attempt to hold on and to act as if nothing were bothering you. In this way, you overextend yourself and become the victim of your own ambitious need to prove how strong you are.

Turning Point

Another year is about to be marked saturday. I am not happy about it because my plans were all dashed. The comfort, pleasure and peace I looked forward to is out of reach.  So basically I probably won't do a single thing this weekend. I did get the invite to Twin's bday party at Bill's. But I am horny and need of my fix and it is not there at all either. Well, it is what it is. And reinforces that rule of mine on expectations. *shrug* Lesson learned.

I need a deep tissue massage so badly right now to deal with the stress and dealing with everything that happened. I just need something to give. Get some reprise. But I will have to wait on that as well.

Oh and my King Sadist in me is really losing it. Past chomping at the bit in the need to finally let all the infliction of delicious pain out. I have been thinking and plotting how to use this energy on HQ. But that is on hold until whenever. I want to watch the reactions from flogging, tying them up in rope and me forcing each and every delicious orgasm and mental response. I especially ready to use the crucifixion tie and futimomo. I have been ready for those to be implemented to my demented pleasure since watching them demonstrate them at the rope classes here. It is going to be so titillating to have her prone and stuck in those positions so I can have my way with every inch of her body.

As a man I like to feel and see the reinforcement of relations with me. It makes me appreciate the person a whole lot more. Especially considering that I share with them all of me. Yes, I like the sexy pic sent to me to brighten my day. Calls, texts and thoughts of me keep me happy. I only ask for a few things to feed my attentive needs. Those little things make me smile and thankful for them being a part of me.

I have thought and discussed the joining of D/s relationship and having a relationship mixed together. it is not an easy thing. And honestly I am having a hard time feeling and figuring out the ways that will make things the best way possible. It doesn't change my goal and what I want though. It just says that it is not easy at all. But I want exactly what I want.

There have been some good things that have happened. Good discussion and realizations. At least I don't have to deal with absolutely everything being horrible.

I think I need some chocolate chip cookies to deal with this.

Enjoy. As I continue my mind's 20000 mph thinking

Yeah morning.

Here at the gym working out and fueled off of Onyx. So my mood and mentality is clear.

Angry Black Man in fulll effect!

Chaos reigns
As others thoughts
feelings
stain the dirty
remnants of
their evidence

Casting
fiery arrows
into minds
caught on their own
barbs of complacency

Tasting
their remnants
as they dissappear
without any lingering trace
no evidence

Drone assimilated


Enjoy your day

Protocol Shift

I really wonder what is the point of some people existing.

Things still have not occurred as they should. I am deaking with it but I realize that I will become even worse than how I was before. To achieve the place of being that I need. The actions have to be even darker than me previously.

Duty was my key. I havr done it for decades wordlessly.  I have come to cease and desist on that front. There is no need to neglect me anymore.

Learning has definitely pushed the envelope.

I need my sadistic release.  But at this level I am concerned. All of this pent up need to inflict pain and fuck until a female is laying there unable to continue as I say fuck you and continue anyway.

The Beast is so far enraged there is nothing I can do about it anymore. No release. I have not gotten my fix.

I guess it is time to let out all this frustration in another way. A non constructive and volatile way.

Let the eruption begin.

*scorched earth protocols*

Oh Yeah....Fathers day

Well, it is fathers day. I know everyone is enjoying themselves.

I have been asked about having children many times. And I had wanted them and planned on them early in my life. It just wasn't in the cards though.

I do miss the times I have had with children like being with my god daughter and the gary ex's children when they were younger.  Definitely some good times. Some proud times. I am glad I left some positive marks on them back then. Now they have grown up since those times. Regardless I really don't feel them or that urge anymore at all. Even with the thoughts of me wanting to be and making a good daddy. At least daddy in that way. lmao

I am still working on this. Because damn I need it to work out this week so it can be put into motion immediately. It is beyond a need right now. Way beyond!

I have been getting asked what I am going to do for my birthday next weekend. Answer: *shrug*  nothing. Just drink and stay to myself.  Things are not like previous years.

Body aching and in pain constantly. But that is normal operating procedure lately.

I guess tomorrow make it to the gym. Double check the status of things. Pray it falls into place and I can get it done by wednesday. Then prep for the Fortress before Friday.

*head nod and chunking the deuce*

Looking at the Vault Door

Well, I am still trying to see if this breakthrough happens so I can get these things done immediately.

I didn't go to the gym today. Too tired and not in the mood.

The heat wasn't as bad as it has been this week but there will be at least another week and half of this hot mess.

Really, really dealing with things. And the contrary and weird shit is really thowing me off.