The morning started off with an in depth Road Warrior style chat about our lives this morning with Ru. In my heart I felt that Road Warrior symbol go up in the air and I called to check on her. I got the run down and felt her position rather personally. *yeah I have a semi soft side for the select person, so fuck you*
We live our lives to want the best for each other and in each other's lives. To be able to know that the other is smiling, having a good time and living life. It is hard when the obstacle is what you desire. And that is the point where you have to take true inventory and make an unwanted decision at that crossroad in life.
I gave her the everclear straight no chaser answer to it all. Knowing that I want her to have what I don't and probably never will. My road dawg is good then I am good. One of the only times that this is true anymore. I wanted to say something all inspiring and with a positive outlook. But I needed to be real with her first and I did. Then I gave her the positive outlook, "hey look at my shit!" lmao
I know the anger, the betrayal, the rage and the desire that she is feeling. I know it on a personal daily basis for much of my life.
I am getting better. At least I am able to eat more than soup during a day now. And my energy level has increased more. It just is not at optimal levels yet.
I ended up going to my uncle's 80th surprise birthday party. it is hard to believe that he is that old. And it was funny to pick at him about the pic of him with a buck that he supposedly shot on the back of the truck in a pic they took on his actual birthday.
So many people know him from him working and helping others and all. Hell, people at the cigar shop know him.
As I sat there and watched him and my other uncle dancing around to the music. It reminded me of uncle ralph (miss you unk) and the mark we leave in history. The aftermath of your existence.
I know that are those that claim that they will miss me when I am gone. And I know that there are definitely 2 people that will. But I just want everyone to enjoy themselves and party on. to remember that I was simply me. Mean, grumpy, teddy bear, evil, asshole, motherfucker, dictator that was ready to take over the world.
I don't worry about my mark that I leave. I may be the ghost who walks but there are traces left behind mentally, spiritually and physically.
*chunking the deuce and shooting two in the air*
enjoy
Saturday, December 05, 2015
Friday, December 04, 2015
More Than Meets The Eye
It has been a while. Hell, I have been sick, dealt with shit, parental units are still driving death into hell. And of course the usual brain on overload.
Boba Fett
Miyamoto Musashi
General George S Patton
These individuals hold characteristics, traits and commonalities that link to me. Things like being the most hated, the most feared, the craziest, the coldest and bound to duty that you don't even agree with.
I don't just walk on the darkside at times. I am the darkside. Doing the nasty, evil things that others won't or can't. The person that they can leave as the enemy and disenfranchised.
Up until the previous year I attacked my goal when it was important to me. Leaving no obstacle or fortified monument in front of me to achieve my target. Then the epihany finally bombed me. What was the purpose of any of these things if they are only my tendrils of importance and meaning? I was merely a mercenary fighting a battle against the universes. A battle where the enemy was everything but me. The ultimate in futility.
I remain a detached anomaly. But the key is not detached emotions or emotional content. But an enhancement of those things to a point where their importance remains a sacred field of piety. That place where the anger and rage runs free. The result of what the Hulk said in the Avenger's movie the best. "it is time to get angry." The Hulk's response "I am always angry!" That phrase resonates on a pitch that only the elite can understand. Where connection to being yourself is like fluid transmission. I love, care and feel extremely deeply. Deep to the point where there is no longer anything because their is no reason for that to be seen.
I deal with the parental units because I have to because of duty. The inability for anyone else to be able to or want to do anything. Do I want to be bothered? Hell no! So I will deal with the drama, fucked up attitude and actions because I have to. Because duty no matter how I feel is required. Part of this station in life.
As with all mercs, hired guns and outlaws there comes a time where tactics had to change. When the on coming last ride gets closer and closer to happening. So you no longer fight everyone and everything. You feel and desire less than you use to. And your views are even stranger than what you use to think. This was personified in two great western movies "Invitation to a gunfighter with Yul Brenner," and Clint Eastwood's "Unforgiven." These are the moments that define us as who we are, was and could have been.
In my world of bdsm things have been shown the light. It is hard to realize how far I have come since last year even. The relations cultivated and the interactions that have been beneficial. Establishing style and experience. And the failure at the important relation I so desperately wanted. I can say that the growth has happened amid the lumps, bruises, cheers and jeers. And I am thankful for it all. It has allowed me to be a better Dominant, leader, alien and responsible.
Hell, I even went to the gym for the first time in my life since college to workout and on my health. Changing eating styles and taking care of myself. And I am thankful for what motivated me at that time. Now, there has to be something different to motivate me. I am not sure what it is or if it is going to even happen or is even necessary.
Speaking of health. the guy cliff that goes to the cigar shop here in town just had triple heart by pass the other day. i knew he wasn't taking care of himself and kept saying something to him about it but I feel bad for him. All of this happened after suffering a heart attack last week. Dialysis, bypass and all. I know he is mentally slow but he is good people. I will have to try and visit him at the hospital once I feel better.
We live then die. Or we die and then live. Or we do a combination of both. Regardless we choose what marks are left behind through our actions, thoughts and interactions. I hear Ru tell me that I can't die before she does. I merely chuckle and say think of the great party you will have when I am gone. I need my fellow Road Warrior to send me off properly!
Just another day in the life of Havoc!
Boba Fett
Miyamoto Musashi
General George S Patton
These individuals hold characteristics, traits and commonalities that link to me. Things like being the most hated, the most feared, the craziest, the coldest and bound to duty that you don't even agree with.
I don't just walk on the darkside at times. I am the darkside. Doing the nasty, evil things that others won't or can't. The person that they can leave as the enemy and disenfranchised.
Up until the previous year I attacked my goal when it was important to me. Leaving no obstacle or fortified monument in front of me to achieve my target. Then the epihany finally bombed me. What was the purpose of any of these things if they are only my tendrils of importance and meaning? I was merely a mercenary fighting a battle against the universes. A battle where the enemy was everything but me. The ultimate in futility.
I remain a detached anomaly. But the key is not detached emotions or emotional content. But an enhancement of those things to a point where their importance remains a sacred field of piety. That place where the anger and rage runs free. The result of what the Hulk said in the Avenger's movie the best. "it is time to get angry." The Hulk's response "I am always angry!" That phrase resonates on a pitch that only the elite can understand. Where connection to being yourself is like fluid transmission. I love, care and feel extremely deeply. Deep to the point where there is no longer anything because their is no reason for that to be seen.
I deal with the parental units because I have to because of duty. The inability for anyone else to be able to or want to do anything. Do I want to be bothered? Hell no! So I will deal with the drama, fucked up attitude and actions because I have to. Because duty no matter how I feel is required. Part of this station in life.
As with all mercs, hired guns and outlaws there comes a time where tactics had to change. When the on coming last ride gets closer and closer to happening. So you no longer fight everyone and everything. You feel and desire less than you use to. And your views are even stranger than what you use to think. This was personified in two great western movies "Invitation to a gunfighter with Yul Brenner," and Clint Eastwood's "Unforgiven." These are the moments that define us as who we are, was and could have been.
In my world of bdsm things have been shown the light. It is hard to realize how far I have come since last year even. The relations cultivated and the interactions that have been beneficial. Establishing style and experience. And the failure at the important relation I so desperately wanted. I can say that the growth has happened amid the lumps, bruises, cheers and jeers. And I am thankful for it all. It has allowed me to be a better Dominant, leader, alien and responsible.
Hell, I even went to the gym for the first time in my life since college to workout and on my health. Changing eating styles and taking care of myself. And I am thankful for what motivated me at that time. Now, there has to be something different to motivate me. I am not sure what it is or if it is going to even happen or is even necessary.
Speaking of health. the guy cliff that goes to the cigar shop here in town just had triple heart by pass the other day. i knew he wasn't taking care of himself and kept saying something to him about it but I feel bad for him. All of this happened after suffering a heart attack last week. Dialysis, bypass and all. I know he is mentally slow but he is good people. I will have to try and visit him at the hospital once I feel better.
We live then die. Or we die and then live. Or we do a combination of both. Regardless we choose what marks are left behind through our actions, thoughts and interactions. I hear Ru tell me that I can't die before she does. I merely chuckle and say think of the great party you will have when I am gone. I need my fellow Road Warrior to send me off properly!
Just another day in the life of Havoc!
Beware the RIDE!!!
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