Sometimes I have to wonder what is the purpose of relationships. In this day and age it seems like it is a total waste. Females have no clue how to be a woman. Lost in past relationships. Damaged goods.Caught in a tornado of evil intent and distance. But screaming I want a relationship while killing anyone that genuinely approaches them.
Lately I have reflected. Thought about past, future and present. I have been happily married and I am so thankful for that. Hated coming back to dating. Realizing the dating scene is like being locked up and repeatedly murdered. Meeting females that are disconnected and crazy. The adventures and stories are of epic proportions. Females are confusing. And modern females are beyond confusing. They are contwisticated.
With that said I have adapted and learned to compartmentalize things. Regardless of being a loving, caring romantic I have to adjust to the times of females that want to be males. Trying to stay out of the quagmire of their confusion is like running from the Minotaur in the labyrinth. But it is the only way to stay semi sane.
Getting ready for Black Beat. My first time being around this many people in the bdsm lifestyle. This should be interesting and educational. The energy at the conference should be bananas. Plus it's time to let more of my sadistic side out. Especially since it seems that Red is for real about hurt and pain. I have always reigned in the amount of pain inflicted because of fear it will be too much. But it is time. And with everything going on and inside of me I need it.
I would rather be in a relationship. But it doesn't seem like that is a possibility. Plus wanting to have bdsm household and relationship has been a mythological reach in all this. Have I given up? Not completely. Just no longer actively trying.
I need to finish up this packing and get to moving.
Next stop the baltimore area. I am already strapped.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Quagmire of Intricacy
One of my favorite books is Eric Van Lustbader's Ninja. The story of an occidental gaijin in japan. The son of a prominent veteran of World War II. It shows his journey and submersion into Japanese culture. Specifically ninjitsu.
I grasp an understanding and kinship to this book because of the clash of cultures and experiences mentally.
Having grown up around the world. I have seen and experienced things that most citizens of this country could never truly understand. The thought that the world revolves around Americans is diminished drastically with travel abroad.
From Cinderfellow experiences to outcast relevance. My journey has brought me down a road where there are no roads. Disconnected from the normalcy that others went through. I have forged my way through the lava and brimstone to arrive at this point. Brandishing a badge of defiance and indifference.
Relationships hold important to me. Yet, their number remains very small for pure quality. That general aspect of look out for and help everyone and everything completely....died within me a long time ago. That is why the oldest friend has said she misses the old me. As I look at her distantly, now that she has fallen from the best friend mantle piece. This thing called relations has a different hierarchy to me. All of it makes me stand out because I haven't traveled the same path or hold the same thoughts as everyone else.
Understanding and accepting the difficulties and aspect of being me unflinching. It has strengthened me. To the point where I am contradictory to mass thoughts and beliefs.
Still all the things that makes them gawk in disbelief. Make me a stronger being.
I grasp an understanding and kinship to this book because of the clash of cultures and experiences mentally.
Having grown up around the world. I have seen and experienced things that most citizens of this country could never truly understand. The thought that the world revolves around Americans is diminished drastically with travel abroad.
From Cinderfellow experiences to outcast relevance. My journey has brought me down a road where there are no roads. Disconnected from the normalcy that others went through. I have forged my way through the lava and brimstone to arrive at this point. Brandishing a badge of defiance and indifference.
Relationships hold important to me. Yet, their number remains very small for pure quality. That general aspect of look out for and help everyone and everything completely....died within me a long time ago. That is why the oldest friend has said she misses the old me. As I look at her distantly, now that she has fallen from the best friend mantle piece. This thing called relations has a different hierarchy to me. All of it makes me stand out because I haven't traveled the same path or hold the same thoughts as everyone else.
Understanding and accepting the difficulties and aspect of being me unflinching. It has strengthened me. To the point where I am contradictory to mass thoughts and beliefs.
Still all the things that makes them gawk in disbelief. Make me a stronger being.
Can't Lead a Horse to Water and Make It Drink
If you are someone I care about I am with you through the good and the bad. We can and will walk together.
But when you offer your ear, support and all but they still won't take it. Then there is nothing that you can do. You are merely a spectator then.
I feel sorry for lil green. I do. But I don't have any other options but watch and leave it alone. I would gladly help her with anything that she needs. Love means standing by no matter what. But it doesn't change the pain and sorrow of watching this stuff happen. I am just having a hard time understanding why can't you let go of the people that are bringing you down, restricting you and causing you pain. Change is hard and chaotic but it is a necessary proponent of moving on.
I want to start my poly house. But, the difficult of relationships period these days really make it a far fetched ideology at this point. I found the two women that I feel are excellent candidates for the relationship. We get along together. Have some of the same interests, commonality and sexual delights. I have loved lil green for many years. Our time has been great, bonding and priceless. She has opened the door and eyes to things. While meeting lil red has brought up a bond that can fit as snug as a glove. Both combined can be the nova of relationships. Exactly what I need and want. The issues are the focus, knowing what is wanted and the commitment. If these things can be overcame then as close to perfection as possible is achieved. I can give myself to this D/s/s relationship. So we are at a crossroads. I honestly have come to a halt and left it to whatever happens is whatever happens at this point. I can envision, guide and support but that is about it.
I am ready to attend Black Beat for the first time. To be around like minded people and enjoy the experience. Learn and observe different techniques. My first event of this size and magnitude. So this will be one for the books definitely. So, come wednesday baltimore here we come!
But when you offer your ear, support and all but they still won't take it. Then there is nothing that you can do. You are merely a spectator then.
I feel sorry for lil green. I do. But I don't have any other options but watch and leave it alone. I would gladly help her with anything that she needs. Love means standing by no matter what. But it doesn't change the pain and sorrow of watching this stuff happen. I am just having a hard time understanding why can't you let go of the people that are bringing you down, restricting you and causing you pain. Change is hard and chaotic but it is a necessary proponent of moving on.
I want to start my poly house. But, the difficult of relationships period these days really make it a far fetched ideology at this point. I found the two women that I feel are excellent candidates for the relationship. We get along together. Have some of the same interests, commonality and sexual delights. I have loved lil green for many years. Our time has been great, bonding and priceless. She has opened the door and eyes to things. While meeting lil red has brought up a bond that can fit as snug as a glove. Both combined can be the nova of relationships. Exactly what I need and want. The issues are the focus, knowing what is wanted and the commitment. If these things can be overcame then as close to perfection as possible is achieved. I can give myself to this D/s/s relationship. So we are at a crossroads. I honestly have come to a halt and left it to whatever happens is whatever happens at this point. I can envision, guide and support but that is about it.
I am ready to attend Black Beat for the first time. To be around like minded people and enjoy the experience. Learn and observe different techniques. My first event of this size and magnitude. So this will be one for the books definitely. So, come wednesday baltimore here we come!
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