I watch the mental informational analysis of me stroll through my mind every second. The ultimate multi thought pile up. Constant crashes and all.
I was married and I miss that. I loved being married. Being with someone that understand and accepts me. And loved me. All the things females are incapable of. Add to that my sadistic and increasing high sex drive. Then I have come to the top of the realm of impossibility.
So I have attempted to find a miracle. To actually find a woman. It is a completely devastating and losing battle. The type of female I am attracted to is a matter of hodgepodge of aggressive, anti natures with male mentalities and combative nature when it comes to being a female. They fight being a female while being able to enjoy being a female and the rewards. It basically is like stabbing the bull in the shoot 300 times and then jumping on to try to hold on for a second.
I normally break the so called aggressive boss bitches. I take who they are and break it down to the point of them having emotions that they fight to not allow. They then do something to make sure they get their own monkey bitch name. They come to hate me and fear the fact that I made them feel. I merely don't care about them after they violate.
Lately it really seems that all that there is left is dealing with females. The day of woman is apparently completely dead! They are now only a tool apparently. Something to fuck and hang out with to keep down the boredom and anger. And the fact that I just can't find a woman or a female to truly keep up with me and my needs only further compounds things. I am super horny and my sadistic tendencies are in overlord watch. It has been a long time of holding back. Wanting and needing full release.
That human style caring and feeling switch is off and might be permanent. My apathy has even shocked itself from the increased intensity. But with experience and life currently the only applicable way things could be is the OFF switch. The cold flow of space is all that seems to tether myself to the humans. And it gets colder and colder.
Settle for what it is right now? Females to fuck and let some of me out?
Continue to attempt to find what I need? The mission impossible and miracle.
Is it possible to find one that can even handle me? Be able to provide half of what I need? Or will I forever use the build a bitch program and keep putting a couple together to make half a woman.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
There And Never to Go Back Again...my journey
The ex best friend summed it up the best "I miss the old you."
Through the fire and brimstone I was forged to be better and stronger. That meant shedding the nice guy shell and evolving. Leaving behind the trappings that only kept me caught in simplistic, meaningless activity.
See, the romantic, Renaissance man died with hope and pipe dreams. The adventures of being the nice loving man led me to watch my funeral pyre burning. My transition from Luke Skywalker to a Super Darth Vader came at that moment. A ethereal and spiritual transference.
So, that person that the ex best friend said she misses. Grew up and became a man instead of a boy. Learning and applying the reality instead of dwelling in hope and what if equations.
Knowing what I want and not settling. My focus. Part of the things that have been seen as drastic changes. I am seen as combative and negatively endearing. But those that know me Ru Ru and Kay know that. I love just as hard as I am evil in all things. The things that humans cannot understand are simple living for me. The on and off switch is a constant thing. Cold or hot. Dead is anything in between.
Understanding, acceptance and focus are the relevant things. Those things that define intimacy at the cellular level with me. just like the cali girl constantly saying "you need to be nice to me." Drums up memories of stupid females and displays a need to control and change me. That won't be happening. I don't make a bunch of demands but one of the basics is do not try to change me. Talking about if your nicer it would make me happier and nicer. Umm, hell, fucking no. We are nothing and have nothing together so you gets absolutely nothing! Females figuring they are supposed to get quality treatment when they are nothing to me but regular humans that are breathing. If you are of interest then I tell you and show you until you fuck it up.
Like Bilbo Baggins said and sang at the end of the Hobbit. The Greatest Adventure is what I have led.
Through the fire and brimstone I was forged to be better and stronger. That meant shedding the nice guy shell and evolving. Leaving behind the trappings that only kept me caught in simplistic, meaningless activity.
See, the romantic, Renaissance man died with hope and pipe dreams. The adventures of being the nice loving man led me to watch my funeral pyre burning. My transition from Luke Skywalker to a Super Darth Vader came at that moment. A ethereal and spiritual transference.
So, that person that the ex best friend said she misses. Grew up and became a man instead of a boy. Learning and applying the reality instead of dwelling in hope and what if equations.
Knowing what I want and not settling. My focus. Part of the things that have been seen as drastic changes. I am seen as combative and negatively endearing. But those that know me Ru Ru and Kay know that. I love just as hard as I am evil in all things. The things that humans cannot understand are simple living for me. The on and off switch is a constant thing. Cold or hot. Dead is anything in between.
Understanding, acceptance and focus are the relevant things. Those things that define intimacy at the cellular level with me. just like the cali girl constantly saying "you need to be nice to me." Drums up memories of stupid females and displays a need to control and change me. That won't be happening. I don't make a bunch of demands but one of the basics is do not try to change me. Talking about if your nicer it would make me happier and nicer. Umm, hell, fucking no. We are nothing and have nothing together so you gets absolutely nothing! Females figuring they are supposed to get quality treatment when they are nothing to me but regular humans that are breathing. If you are of interest then I tell you and show you until you fuck it up.
Like Bilbo Baggins said and sang at the end of the Hobbit. The Greatest Adventure is what I have led.
The Plight of BDSM
I don't claim total knowledge and experience. But I do know what I have learned and want.
Yet females like this fake domme tell me I am submissive to her because I asked her a question. Or the so called switch chick that I couldn't trust not to lie to herself. Trying to instruct and tell me to do things or trying to get their way. I merely laugh at their asses. They are funny to me. Even in my vanilla life I didn't allow that to happen. So what makes you think that you can try that since I have embraced myself completely? Both light and dark mingled and strengthened!
Revelations and understanding have been the theme this year without a doubt. Especially in this lifestyle and all relations. From slaves and subs that are supposedly trained in the traditional ways but actions and words convey the opposite in every way. All the lying and pretending. The use of the words love and family when they have no idea of the concept at all.
The unbridled desire transmuted into a reality check. That regardless of my gung ho attitude and need in this lifestyle. I have to force march through because I am dealing with humans in this equation. That desire to have a poly family. Hell to even have a sub and slave. Gave way to the reality that finding one is just like all relationships. A pure miracle that you are seeking.
I realize that I need this. That it is a part of me. One that has not been fed at all until recently. And I don't want to go forward without that part fulfilled. Yet, I want it filled permanently instead of putting together a bunch of temps. Yet, that may be the only way to be since the mental stability seems to be fleeting now in society.
So I will merely continue the vetting and interviewing with hopes of something. But not holding my breath for anything.
BDSM like everything concerning individuals is a miracle needle in a haystack kind of thing.
Yet females like this fake domme tell me I am submissive to her because I asked her a question. Or the so called switch chick that I couldn't trust not to lie to herself. Trying to instruct and tell me to do things or trying to get their way. I merely laugh at their asses. They are funny to me. Even in my vanilla life I didn't allow that to happen. So what makes you think that you can try that since I have embraced myself completely? Both light and dark mingled and strengthened!
Revelations and understanding have been the theme this year without a doubt. Especially in this lifestyle and all relations. From slaves and subs that are supposedly trained in the traditional ways but actions and words convey the opposite in every way. All the lying and pretending. The use of the words love and family when they have no idea of the concept at all.
The unbridled desire transmuted into a reality check. That regardless of my gung ho attitude and need in this lifestyle. I have to force march through because I am dealing with humans in this equation. That desire to have a poly family. Hell to even have a sub and slave. Gave way to the reality that finding one is just like all relationships. A pure miracle that you are seeking.
I realize that I need this. That it is a part of me. One that has not been fed at all until recently. And I don't want to go forward without that part fulfilled. Yet, I want it filled permanently instead of putting together a bunch of temps. Yet, that may be the only way to be since the mental stability seems to be fleeting now in society.
So I will merely continue the vetting and interviewing with hopes of something. But not holding my breath for anything.
BDSM like everything concerning individuals is a miracle needle in a haystack kind of thing.
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