As I sat at the bar drinking my 5th drink. My cigar buddy Rich asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. It made me think. (lol, yeah like there was need for more of that) My response to him was nothing. And that is the simple fact of the matter.
Most of my adult life I really never celebrated my birthday. A lot of deaths, issues and more have occured on my birthday. So I didn't celebrate it. Not, until I started dating and then married my wife did I actually consider and start celebrating them. She told me it was important and it began to be important to me. But I think that was more of celebrating with someone that wanted to celebrate it with me and have our adventures. I learned that I would rather have those that I was connected to, loved and wanted to be with me with me on that day.
Not having someone to celebrate my day with is nothing new since I became a widow. The last time my birthday was celebrated was my 40th when I spent the weekend with the two females that I had relations with at that time in the swing world. (And now both of them lost their mind and joined the ranks of the unknown.) So this really is nothing new.
Anyway
I am always doing things by myself. And i had wanted someone to spend time with on my birthday and other important days. But I am not going to make anyone do it. If they have not chosen to be a part then there is not need for me to say or do anything at all.
So...
I decided to start a new journey. Next year will be another milestone. So i will be doing whatever needs to be done for myself. Even though I traveled this month a little. i still have to travel more and have more fun.
Aka the guard has changed
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Poetic Thoughts: Will There Be?
Will There Be?
Love and passion from
a heart
That is not deceased
Will there be
A meaningful
connection
That has that needed
strong
Craving
Will there be
Reversion to monogamy
Or the complete disassociation
of
The fairy tale ending
of
Relationship meanings
Will there be
Anyone left in the
end standing
Or will destiny give
the great reveal
Behind the veiled
curtain
The One Man Team
Will there be
My cold and
consumption
Of life and soul’s
being
My funeral pyre
Smoldering
Will there be
An answer to the
outcomes
The paths that I have
Predicted and seen
That will be more
than what has been
Opened to me
Will there be
Anything quantifiably
left
Of me
Or
Will I merely accept
The nature and destination
Of my Beast
From the
chocolatezeus collection 6/18/16 ©
Friday, June 17, 2016
I Don't Negotiate With Terrorists
No, I am not in a terrorist standoff. I would be on the news for excessive force.
This is about D/s and submissives.
Each person has their individual traits, personalities, backgrounds and things of importance. But the point of the TPE is the Total Power Exchange. Now that doesn't mean that everything is given up or that almost everything is given up by a submissive. But it does mean Power Exchange.
As I have seen there is this need for subs to fight against the D in the D/s. The use of words like autonomy, fairness etc.
I look at the person and what I know about them and formulate a plan to allow them to grow personally and as a submissive. The personal part is the basis for everything anyway. But when one doesn't want to change, grow or be in a TPE then none of this is relevant.
Negotiations are at the beginning of the process. Where they establish all of their rules, hard limits etc. It is NOT after the negotiation!
The need to fight for control constantly is high in most apparently. Even though they claim and want to be submissive. Making a need for either a tug of war or a dismissal.
I lead by establishing an outlook on those things that need to be achieved individually. That tailor made way is the most effective way to create a good foundation and journey. I am not a hard ass with no give. Nor am I some push over. I float somewhere in the middle most of the time until an adjustment has to occur.
But they want to pout, attempt to make demands and do what they can to get their way.
Well
I DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!
This is about D/s and submissives.
Each person has their individual traits, personalities, backgrounds and things of importance. But the point of the TPE is the Total Power Exchange. Now that doesn't mean that everything is given up or that almost everything is given up by a submissive. But it does mean Power Exchange.
As I have seen there is this need for subs to fight against the D in the D/s. The use of words like autonomy, fairness etc.
I look at the person and what I know about them and formulate a plan to allow them to grow personally and as a submissive. The personal part is the basis for everything anyway. But when one doesn't want to change, grow or be in a TPE then none of this is relevant.
Negotiations are at the beginning of the process. Where they establish all of their rules, hard limits etc. It is NOT after the negotiation!
The need to fight for control constantly is high in most apparently. Even though they claim and want to be submissive. Making a need for either a tug of war or a dismissal.
I lead by establishing an outlook on those things that need to be achieved individually. That tailor made way is the most effective way to create a good foundation and journey. I am not a hard ass with no give. Nor am I some push over. I float somewhere in the middle most of the time until an adjustment has to occur.
But they want to pout, attempt to make demands and do what they can to get their way.
Well
I DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!
Thursday, June 16, 2016
My Emotional and Raw Creations
In being the asshole, evil, mean and caring Dominant man that I am. It creates a very diverse and potent.
From experiences with red, little one, flower child and those I have dated I have rearranged their thoughts, feelings and emotions from being involved with me.
There is the natural need to try to correlate how I am to every or some of their past relationships. It is a common ground. Familiar territory.
I do have some things that can be seen as similar, but I think and act upon my own. Each decision, success and mistake are based on me, myself and I.
In my dating and dynamic joining I ask those that decide to be involved with me to be open and be themselves. Yes, I know females avoid, detest and treat vulnerability as the plague.
Giving them a chance to be themselves and free is terrifying for them. It goes against all their layers of super defenses they have set up against me and men.
It is those moments where heart, emotions and all appear against their will. When they involuntarily feel and respond to me against their barriers. Heart opens up and reaches for me.
It is part of D/s and dating. Where there lies a connection and raw emotional attachment. Where accountability and results weigh heavier. It is where pain and hurt is felt. Putting trust in me to handle, cherish and support their raw nerves. And I do that to the best of the situation. Because there is no absolute always correct scenario. There are times when there is a mishap. Emotions are not stable, quantifiable things.
It is like the company team building exercises. The females are laid open like a flower. At times they may close up a little, only to open again. Most of the time they want to remain sealed super tight. Trusting me to allow to be themselves and handle it is a tough one. That raw place is where the most hatred and denial takes place. The treasured vault they do not want open.
So with each I let them reach that raw point in their own ways. Even now there are the battles against it because fear is all that they know comfortably. Those things that make them think about me in situations, memories and living are what links me at a deeper level. When they think of me and their protocols out with others. Or when she is angry at something I said and feels the heat upon her being. These things are an aspect of Dominance. The mental and emotional parts joined together to feed the dynamic and the dating.
So I see the jealousy, the agitation, need to rebel and raise you another level of your emotional rawness dedicated to me. We may have different interests and manners but in the end we are linked even more than you want to understand, truly believe or fight against.
Will you open up and embark upon a deeper, more fulfilling journey? Or will you continue to deny, hide and fight both internally and externally?
From experiences with red, little one, flower child and those I have dated I have rearranged their thoughts, feelings and emotions from being involved with me.
There is the natural need to try to correlate how I am to every or some of their past relationships. It is a common ground. Familiar territory.
I do have some things that can be seen as similar, but I think and act upon my own. Each decision, success and mistake are based on me, myself and I.
In my dating and dynamic joining I ask those that decide to be involved with me to be open and be themselves. Yes, I know females avoid, detest and treat vulnerability as the plague.
Giving them a chance to be themselves and free is terrifying for them. It goes against all their layers of super defenses they have set up against me and men.
It is those moments where heart, emotions and all appear against their will. When they involuntarily feel and respond to me against their barriers. Heart opens up and reaches for me.
It is part of D/s and dating. Where there lies a connection and raw emotional attachment. Where accountability and results weigh heavier. It is where pain and hurt is felt. Putting trust in me to handle, cherish and support their raw nerves. And I do that to the best of the situation. Because there is no absolute always correct scenario. There are times when there is a mishap. Emotions are not stable, quantifiable things.
It is like the company team building exercises. The females are laid open like a flower. At times they may close up a little, only to open again. Most of the time they want to remain sealed super tight. Trusting me to allow to be themselves and handle it is a tough one. That raw place is where the most hatred and denial takes place. The treasured vault they do not want open.
So with each I let them reach that raw point in their own ways. Even now there are the battles against it because fear is all that they know comfortably. Those things that make them think about me in situations, memories and living are what links me at a deeper level. When they think of me and their protocols out with others. Or when she is angry at something I said and feels the heat upon her being. These things are an aspect of Dominance. The mental and emotional parts joined together to feed the dynamic and the dating.
So I see the jealousy, the agitation, need to rebel and raise you another level of your emotional rawness dedicated to me. We may have different interests and manners but in the end we are linked even more than you want to understand, truly believe or fight against.
Will you open up and embark upon a deeper, more fulfilling journey? Or will you continue to deny, hide and fight both internally and externally?
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Poetic Expression: No Need
No Need
When I tell you how
beautiful you are constantly
Gave you my
vulnerabilities
Proclaimed you the
One
For me
There is no need
As I stand in the gap
Interceding harm and
pain
From your being
There is no need
When you twist and
contort
Eroded feelings and
fickle emotions
Through a
relationship façade
There is no need
Use the words “I love
you”
As cannon fodder
There is no need
When I refuse to
chase
Bow down and worship
You
There is no need
When the distance has
become
Immeasurable in
leagues
Where we are at the
opposite ends of the universe
Existing
There is no need
Taking into account
Your choices, participation
and demeanor
Lack of future
planning and thinking
It is obvious
There is no need
For
A you and me
From the
chocolatezeus collection 6/15/16 ©
From House Party to Submission...The Gauntlet
So the weekend I made a run to GA to handle business and to get away for a second. I can't really say have fun. It was just an escape into a familiar territory. I did accomplish my goals to: drink super heavily, eat, watch the entertainment an get in the hot tub.
I didn't get to see ms reid since she was under the weather. I did have a nice breakfast date saturday. It was good to finally meet.
So the party...
Normally these things can get extremely wild since there are always a number of swingers there. And not talking about wild as in fucking everywhere. But naked folk going around having a good time together without the sex. Well, except for licking a nipple or sucking a tittie. So this year was a little different. The lifestyle people were not the ones acting wild. It was the vanilla drunk folks. chicks eating pussy in the stripper pole room. Chick getting stripper pole burns on the insides of her pretty little thighs. And the bi and lesbians were out. Even the gay guys had to laugh and shake their heads. Even my fellow NC boy's girl was ultra wild like I had never seen before. In all the years I have never seen her drink that much and definitely grabbing dick and ass, or fingering the chick and telling me mmm don't this smell good while putting her fingers near my face. The quiet little chick done went girls gone wild. lmao I told my boy that he was in for an interesting night and sunday lmao.
The demon was being her usual boisterous, annoying self. I didn't miss that at all but that was to be expected. There was a little bit of eye candy. one amazon with a great ass. And then the usual hood certified, self absorbed females.
Some good convo about traveling, price gouging at hotels and resorts because of events. Since the amazon, the cute light skin chick and the hood chick had been to aruba the other week for the fest Mr B goes to every year. Light skin chick was the best one out the bunch. Not because her body because it really didn't stand out. she had cute little nipples through her dress. But simply because she was more even keeled than the others.
Pool playing, watching movies in the theater room and the females swinging around the pole all added to the entertainment quality. Well that and the group of gathered individuals that were there. lol
I made my guest appearance.
It reminded me about my desire, need and want for companionship with the realization of life right now at the same time.
Still rolling solo with Team Evil!
Which brought me back to reading a wonderful entry by Sir Orpheus Black What is Pure Submission?
One of the best parts of this was the following excerpt..
It is truly about that union and connection for me. Without it then I can still be your Dominant, Top and Destroyer. But it will be disconnected and devoid as you have chosen.
I have listened to, experienced and observed this need by submissives to lay down all these rules and hard limits in an attempt to keep their control over themselves. "You can't change or give me commands on this and that." Then I just see it as you want submission when it is convenient and beneficial to you.
D/s is not an exact science. I am dealing with females with multitude of issues and things going on at any given second. Mistakes are made. But if you want someone to be completely open to you and you are closed off then that is not going to happen.
I didn't begin this journey out of ego, pride and some once in a while pussy. I did so for the aspect of the leading, growth and support. And that is what I have stuck to and tried to do. It hasn't been about serving me more than the need to establish themselves in growth and understanding in themselves.
I held on to the above union between lover and beloved deeply because of being married. Now, I realize it is an ever constant sliding scale with females. I don't expect any more than that. If I get surprised I am happy. Otherwise, no loss.
My decisions are based on knowing you. And if you don't allow me to know you or let me in to understand then you are receiving what you asked for at the level you wanted.
There is always the option to break and destroy you but if i actually had interest in you that wouldn't work because I would leave your dead carcass for the carrion to feast upon.
Submission in its purest form is attainable. But as with all things you make a choice. You choose to have your wall and defcon 5 defenses up then don't blame me for the inability to connect or have anything meaningful.
Hmmm, I really need something really good from smiley to make me grin right about now.
I am sure you had a great weekend. So make your week even better.
I didn't get to see ms reid since she was under the weather. I did have a nice breakfast date saturday. It was good to finally meet.
So the party...
Normally these things can get extremely wild since there are always a number of swingers there. And not talking about wild as in fucking everywhere. But naked folk going around having a good time together without the sex. Well, except for licking a nipple or sucking a tittie. So this year was a little different. The lifestyle people were not the ones acting wild. It was the vanilla drunk folks. chicks eating pussy in the stripper pole room. Chick getting stripper pole burns on the insides of her pretty little thighs. And the bi and lesbians were out. Even the gay guys had to laugh and shake their heads. Even my fellow NC boy's girl was ultra wild like I had never seen before. In all the years I have never seen her drink that much and definitely grabbing dick and ass, or fingering the chick and telling me mmm don't this smell good while putting her fingers near my face. The quiet little chick done went girls gone wild. lmao I told my boy that he was in for an interesting night and sunday lmao.
The demon was being her usual boisterous, annoying self. I didn't miss that at all but that was to be expected. There was a little bit of eye candy. one amazon with a great ass. And then the usual hood certified, self absorbed females.
Some good convo about traveling, price gouging at hotels and resorts because of events. Since the amazon, the cute light skin chick and the hood chick had been to aruba the other week for the fest Mr B goes to every year. Light skin chick was the best one out the bunch. Not because her body because it really didn't stand out. she had cute little nipples through her dress. But simply because she was more even keeled than the others.
Pool playing, watching movies in the theater room and the females swinging around the pole all added to the entertainment quality. Well that and the group of gathered individuals that were there. lol
I made my guest appearance.
It reminded me about my desire, need and want for companionship with the realization of life right now at the same time.
Still rolling solo with Team Evil!
Which brought me back to reading a wonderful entry by Sir Orpheus Black What is Pure Submission?
One of the best parts of this was the following excerpt..
What is so powerful about this is the acceptance of ones position as the devotee. The beloved is comfortable with being and becoming whatever it is that their love needs when they need it. They draw power and inspiration from their lover. And they recognize that it is this union between lover and beloved that makes all things possible.
It is truly about that union and connection for me. Without it then I can still be your Dominant, Top and Destroyer. But it will be disconnected and devoid as you have chosen.
I have listened to, experienced and observed this need by submissives to lay down all these rules and hard limits in an attempt to keep their control over themselves. "You can't change or give me commands on this and that." Then I just see it as you want submission when it is convenient and beneficial to you.
D/s is not an exact science. I am dealing with females with multitude of issues and things going on at any given second. Mistakes are made. But if you want someone to be completely open to you and you are closed off then that is not going to happen.
I didn't begin this journey out of ego, pride and some once in a while pussy. I did so for the aspect of the leading, growth and support. And that is what I have stuck to and tried to do. It hasn't been about serving me more than the need to establish themselves in growth and understanding in themselves.
I held on to the above union between lover and beloved deeply because of being married. Now, I realize it is an ever constant sliding scale with females. I don't expect any more than that. If I get surprised I am happy. Otherwise, no loss.
My decisions are based on knowing you. And if you don't allow me to know you or let me in to understand then you are receiving what you asked for at the level you wanted.
There is always the option to break and destroy you but if i actually had interest in you that wouldn't work because I would leave your dead carcass for the carrion to feast upon.
Submission in its purest form is attainable. But as with all things you make a choice. You choose to have your wall and defcon 5 defenses up then don't blame me for the inability to connect or have anything meaningful.
Hmmm, I really need something really good from smiley to make me grin right about now.
I am sure you had a great weekend. So make your week even better.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Reminders in McDonough
I accomplished what I needed to do.
As I sit here on the deck and think. I realize how far gone things are. The questions and what ifs no longer linger. They parade around loudly.
Aftera lot of liquor, some food and the hot tub I took time to meditate and think as usual.
Where are things going? Are they going anywhere at all?
D/s is going alright for both of them. Setbacks and issues have arisen. But that is the way it is between a man and females. There is progress. And whatever happens to them hopefullu they will be better than when things started. That is the point of D/s after all.
I had considered moving to try to make things work better last year. Then I realized that probably wouldn't help that relation. So I stuck it out and here I am. I just look in the void at times to see if it is still there. It always is.
Now, moving is on the table but it is simply because it is time for me. Nothing has shown a need for me to consider anything else.
I have always fought and strived for the things I wanted and needed. This is one of the first times when it came to relations that it has failed. It has perplexed me. Then I had to remind myself that I was basing things on the premise of women and not females. I cannot expect them to be anything but what they are. Their will not be an increase. So I accepted and shifted everything to what it is now. When something meaningful shows up then fine. Otherwise I catch you whenever and when they are ready for an interaction.
Coming here to bbqs hasn't changed. Still the show and everything that is always presented unfortunately by the demon. But I saw the realization for myself. I watched the entertainment and the few attractibe chicks.
I realized that Ebil needs company more than once every three blue and pink moons. Who annd what I want is unavailable to me. There are no sunstitutes or anything. So I deal with it. And I watch my temperament and attitude continue to change even further. The feelings are mostly dead. Connections are minimal. There are no answers even if I went back to actually making an effort.
In my sikence I remain. Devoid of most everything. Excitement appears only after reaffirmed and verified confirmation of something truly happening. No hopes to get up or anticipation.
I never thought this year would be this way. I thought there would be forward progress, happiness and delight. Instead there is the silence of the void. Telling me all the things that are wrong and not happening. I hear all of it. And I tilt my head.
That comfort, companionship and lobe that I sought are looking at me laughing hysterically.
The summer is here and upon it's end the results will be solidified.
It is sad but very apparent now that the grail is not ever meant for me.
I think that is enoigh for now. Let me continue drinking.
Hooe you enjoued and had a good weekend
As I sit here on the deck and think. I realize how far gone things are. The questions and what ifs no longer linger. They parade around loudly.
Aftera lot of liquor, some food and the hot tub I took time to meditate and think as usual.
Where are things going? Are they going anywhere at all?
D/s is going alright for both of them. Setbacks and issues have arisen. But that is the way it is between a man and females. There is progress. And whatever happens to them hopefullu they will be better than when things started. That is the point of D/s after all.
I had considered moving to try to make things work better last year. Then I realized that probably wouldn't help that relation. So I stuck it out and here I am. I just look in the void at times to see if it is still there. It always is.
Now, moving is on the table but it is simply because it is time for me. Nothing has shown a need for me to consider anything else.
I have always fought and strived for the things I wanted and needed. This is one of the first times when it came to relations that it has failed. It has perplexed me. Then I had to remind myself that I was basing things on the premise of women and not females. I cannot expect them to be anything but what they are. Their will not be an increase. So I accepted and shifted everything to what it is now. When something meaningful shows up then fine. Otherwise I catch you whenever and when they are ready for an interaction.
Coming here to bbqs hasn't changed. Still the show and everything that is always presented unfortunately by the demon. But I saw the realization for myself. I watched the entertainment and the few attractibe chicks.
I realized that Ebil needs company more than once every three blue and pink moons. Who annd what I want is unavailable to me. There are no sunstitutes or anything. So I deal with it. And I watch my temperament and attitude continue to change even further. The feelings are mostly dead. Connections are minimal. There are no answers even if I went back to actually making an effort.
In my sikence I remain. Devoid of most everything. Excitement appears only after reaffirmed and verified confirmation of something truly happening. No hopes to get up or anticipation.
I never thought this year would be this way. I thought there would be forward progress, happiness and delight. Instead there is the silence of the void. Telling me all the things that are wrong and not happening. I hear all of it. And I tilt my head.
That comfort, companionship and lobe that I sought are looking at me laughing hysterically.
The summer is here and upon it's end the results will be solidified.
It is sad but very apparent now that the grail is not ever meant for me.
I think that is enoigh for now. Let me continue drinking.
Hooe you enjoued and had a good weekend
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