Thoughts in Poetry: Your Armored Heart

Your Armored Heart

I stand here

On the outside

Staring at the walls

Of your heart

I see the flames burning

Yearning for you and me

As I see you behind the walls

Staring blankly

The only importance

Your security

Making sure no one

Breaches your keep

To see and feel

The dynamic of you

The deep and intimate

Part that you are

So afraid to be seen

To chance being hurt

Throw this tiny window

I see your heart

Beating prominently

Inside

This Hannibal lector

Disassociation

Has my heart

With some favre beans and a martini

As your comfort increases

Should I stay?

Or should I leave

Will you ever allow?

Entrance into you

The real you

Not the façade of the

Walls around you

Perplexed

With no destiny

Merely

This holding action

Of impenetrable relationship

Obstruction

From the chocolatezeus collection  4/29/16  ©

Females and Love

I am listening to females talk about how love is such a bad thing and they avoid it. Or how they enjoy long term sex without emotions.

All of that is fine. It also shows how females thinking and actions have changed from back in the day to now.

So the positive is that females can fuck, not be involved or invested in anyone but themselves. It allows a buffer or defense zone for them.

As the negative it really drives a gap and divide between females and men. It creates a chasm in why bother with anything meaningful if there is a possibility or interest.

I believe in love. Have no problem expressing, showing and acting upon it. As much as I am the angry black man on the opposite of the scale I am lover lover man.

I have always found it entertaining that females don't want love and run from it but want to act like they are in a relationship full of love. It is that old saying "I have the cow so why pay for the milk." This can attributed to things like "think like a man" bullshit and so many other things.

But this is how the world is currently. Since the industral revolution society has dictated these things and made sure the masses stay in line.

I will continue to be entertained regardless. And will continue to be me, myself and I. My position will be maintained.

Hmmm, A Day on a Monday

So it was therapy time today. After last week and the episodes this weekend. Yeah! I needed it.

So I hung out with Charlie when I got there. It was the old redneck biker and og time early. lol Plenty of laughing and carrying on.

So the rep from Roberto Duran cigars shows up. She is in jeans and a tshirt with the batman symbol with the texas flag in it. The first time she came in before she had a pretty short dress on and was talking to Tim, trying to bring some of their cigar lines in the shop. This time she came dressed down. She handed out the Neya cigar to all of us in the shop to try and see what we thought.

She was attractive by others standards physically. Slim body, little titties and that was it. She had blonde hair and a small face. But for me she was attractive because of her personality, ability to be adventurous, blonde hair and thinking outside the box And definitely being direct and speaking her mind. So yeah I liked that.

She talked about serving in the army and being in intelligence as well as being a contractor afterwards. So we listened to some colorful stories with cursing and all going on. Socom, mountain training division and bahgram deployments. yes, that is some serious stuff.

I liked her and her presence for sure. I look forward to seeing her again.

Top of the Morning to You

Eminem playing in the kitchen and Prince in the living room.

Preparing for this weeks unseen things. Time to stand upon the ramparts and attack, attack and attack again.

Standing here among the attititudes, moods and occlussions. Time to start another week.

More power to situational responses and emotional applications.

Have a great day, morning and week.


*singing*  "Is anybody out there?"

If You Are Happy and You Know It....SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

I have been asked, spoken to about being happy. Some have asked what makes me happy. Some wonder if I am ever happy. And there is why can't I be happy all the time?

Previously I was happy most of the time but that time and circumstance allowed me to be that way then. Regardless of hardships, disagreements and more. I remained genuinely happy all the time.

I am anger and angry black man. That is a part of me. It is the blood that courses through my veins. It is used for energy, focus and many other things. It is a part of me.

Can you make me happy? Yes, you can and I will tell in what way and the results.

Now...

What I won't claim is happiness most of the time now. I understand happiness will come mystically at times in my life. Like ruptured dimensional holes. Open for a brief moment and then repaired.

The possibility of happiness is there. And there are a very very few times I am allowed to enjoy happiness. And those times I take and cherish. I love, enjoy and miss those times even.

But, reality is that there will be very little happiness. Even from those people and things that you want to always expect that can and will provide it. Contradictory to my past but a very hard lesson learned these last couple years.

The song says, "Don't worry, be happy." That is the song for you.

Mine says, "Don't worry happiness is on it's own fucked up schedule. So don't count on it." lol And knowing is half the battle.


So, seize all the happiness that you can and enjoy every minute of it.
Be happy
Be Happy
Be Happy


As for me *chunking the deuce and a head nod*

The Age of Apocalypse...Week in Review

To say that it has not been a long, trying, difficult, rough and mentally draining week would be the ultimate lie.

Sitting here listening to a Prince mix while eating pound cake and super deep in thought analysis and tactics.

I am not a Prince ultra fan like redvelvet but I have my reasons why I like and have listened to my favorites from him. A exceptional artist and musicians. Even though I had the discussion with Paul at the shop about Prince being a musician and he disagreed, to say that he was an entertainer. I saw why Paul said that based on his age and being a devout jazz musician forever. Simple disagreement. But Prince has sung quite a few things that drum up memories. And his death signified a true death to womanhood. *you would have to truly know me to understand*

The week has been one of;

• Agitation
• Shock and awe
• Service
• Knowledge
• Reflection in existence

I didn't think that the bdsm conference would dig deeper than it had already into the week. To actually to come into active existence. Truly Men and from Mars (Saturn for me) and females are from Venus.

The discussion was about the differences in communication, understanding and application. I say things directly and they are taken to mean something that I didn't say because of perceived feelings and my overwhelming existence. From redvelvet's disbelief and flight from my proposal years ago to the current situation of feelings of inadequacy.  The signs have been there and dropping bombs. I communicate directly, mostly military style, I am not politically correct and my demeanor is not one of the fucking Partridge Family.

Things that have been messed up during communications:

• Being with me takes a sustained and maintained effort, interest and actions. 
• If I have not told you things that needed to be fixed and/or you are doing things wrong. Then we are fine
• Either you have value or you do not. My words and actions convey those things.
• If we are still communicating then there is still hope for you
• My love is just as strong and potent as my apathy.
• Either you understand you have a meaning to me since I communicate with you and more or you worry about how everyone else is treated and join them
• I have your back, want the best for you and will do what I can for you as long as you remain in one of the three circles of my life

So what females here from me is many times nowhere near what I said to them. It is what they think or interpret from how I said it and all this other stuff. 

If I truly maintain or have an interest in you then I will ask questions, talk in order to get to know you. That is what the humans do. Since I can't just club bitches and drag them here to be mine anymore. One of my few expectations of females and humans is that if there is an interest that they ask, talk and find out about me. The trend seems to portray something totally different though. They think they can predict, know and understand me fully. There is only one that can truly come close to that. I thought redvelvet would be the one in the inner circle and have that understanding. It hasn't happened that way. 

The concept of feelings and emotions.

Yes, I do feel and have emotions. I just don't share or extend them at all to anyone regularly. Unless you show me that it is warranted and wanted then I will continue along with not even a beep on the ekg showing I give a fuck. Because, that is what is wanted in society. And why wouldn't I make females feel more comfortable when being me?  So, I let go of those notions and actions. And the results are....females are happy and more comfortable since they don't have to be confronted with, see or feel anything from me. Or look at their inability to feel and show and give emotions. 

Why is it this way? Because of vulnerability and past experiences. I have been compared over and over again to whoever they have dated, been with or around before. When it is right there in their face the differences. Shown, said and revealed. But there will continue to be comparisons between me and their males and them and who I have been with previously. All of it has no bearing to things currently. But, I realized I cannot make them unlearn this trait without some unethical operations. 

I will continue the path that I am on. If they want to join me then it is easy. Otherwise the sliding scale will remain in use for their comfort ability.

D/s and Me.

I have looked at things and have grown a whole damn lot. The listening to and interacting with those with long term dynamics definitely help. I have even been able to talk to some young ladies about the beginning of their journey into submission and D/s.  No veteran at all. Hell, I am doing my best going through things. Mistakes have been made here and there but I have learned them.  I ended up on a poly situation that I had not intention of being in and wasn't seeking. But it has created a catalyst for me to see differences and similarities in submissive females. To be able to apply behavior modifications more effectively. 

With little one and flower child I have seen a submissive side that is more accepting but still with it's things to conquer. Because this lifestyle really is about understanding and knowing who you have decided to get involved with. And I understand more now than ever how they said, "you have to like and be attracted to who you are with," because with out that I am ready to demote everyone when things are not where and how they should be. Adjustments in protocols, requirements, initial agreements and making sure to be super thorough have been some hard learns.  But they have been receptive to things which is a good thing. I just learned what I will need to do if I choose to do this again with anyone. 

D/s has made me be able to understand things more clearly. Disconnect more the things I use to be connected to. Establish relation level equivalencies. 

In General.

Their daughter will be moving and i am glad. When she does I won't be seeing her again and until the parental units get here I will be at peace. 

My counseling skills are still up to par. lol Not necessarily a good thing per se for me. But hey, the females are glad and happy for it. 

I use to seek comfort in the woman that I loved the most and wanted to be the most with me. I learned the folly of my ways and will stick to not having that type of ultimate comfort. More alcohol, food and traveling it is then!

Agree with Ru. It is time for the type of fun and laughter that I need. So at some point between her trips, parties and all. The Road Warriors will be hanging out. And I will be fully entertained again!

So...

I am fine. Fully armed and armored up. I have home made pound cake. Had a roast beef and provolone grill cheese. Will be having fresh shrimp in something tomorrow. lol  And making the moves necessary for my team to remain outstanding.