I Walk Alone

After a year of growth, learning and adventures. I have arrived at this point. Changed but strengthened in how I use to be. As I embrace the enigmatic silence and darkness again.

I am angry and enraged. My ABM is on a Class 1000 level. I am not angry at her or her. I am angry at myself for allowing the nice and stupid part of me to show up. They are doing merely what they are programmed to and want.

In this year:

A female that I loved and closed to showed me her jealousy, contempt and reckless abandon for the relationship that I thought we had cultivated over the years.  Lying to me over and over again while playing these possess me games.

The female I got that one of a kind of connect with has been doing her best to distance herself from me. From the comments and discussions about how about getting with this or that chick and all that other stuff. I realized what I had analyzed had come to fuition.

A female that I knew for years that I have never been in her house. Met her child and seen her mother. And got upset at me about something she never spoke about. I guess the monkey bitches she became friends with and her personalities couldn't allow her to think clearly. But I found it laughable when she said I love you. Yeah, I can totally believe that. lmfao

I have battled and been buried under shit with the parental units. And the ways that I deal with the stress and find peace, were denied to me. Because they weren't accepted, received or understood. I learned that peace is dead to me.

Sooo....

In these last couple of days I had to really think and come to terms with things.

• The thoughts I had about relations and their possible outcomes was on point
• bdsm relation wise is probably not feasible for me
• Things will be relegated to mere moments in time. No future. No meaning.
• I will continue to learn and experience things. Simply because of what I am.
• There is a closed vault on "giving a damn."
• Constant thinking, analyzing and evaluating saved me. Kept me from flipping out.
• won't be doing this again

I have always walked and journeyed alone. Even with Ru by my side. She knows that I won't drag her down with me or come to her unless it is dire. Though she will fuss and we will fight. She knows I just won't use her like that. Plus I want her focused on her new relationship so maybe I can see her get married again before I die.

I took a chance. Made myself vulnerable. Sought to have what I needed. A wife, sub, intelligent, adventurous and rare type. I made the mistakes and I will live with them. I can't change the past. merely vault them with the rest and my heart and soul.

Just like every hourly battle that presents itself. Every obstacle that stays in my path. I will continue to do it alone. On my own. 

I continue this walk and journey.

ALONE