Apocalypse Now

This week has been more than crazy.

I am still in disbelief that I allowed myself to let something seep from my vault. It was shaming ro have emotion come out. And I paid the price for it.

As I talked to Ru before she left to fly to atl for the yearly cabin trip. I was reminded how far off rrackbi had gone.  I honestly allowed emotion and feeling into the fray.

I had dropped thise rhings in the well back in november of last year. There wasn't a need for feelings and emotions.  No place for them. And that allowed me to not be concernwd about the future or anything. Whatever happenwd, happened and I felt nothing.

But I let the defense slip. I was using the old ways to fet my comfort and peace. Those days are dead. So there I no longer can find that comfort and peace that I would in Lil Red like I had in Chocolate Doll or hanging with Ru. She can't fulfill that for me right now or maybe never.

It can be said that I need outlet and more control for this. But things are well under hand. There will not be any more feeling or emotion unless it is shared with Ru Ru and that is it. My quarantine is back in effect.

The damage has been done. There is nothing that can be said by that. It merely makes me fortify and strengthen the fortress even more.

The assualt upon me continues. As my anger, rage and apathy grow to ultimate proportions.  I feel the disconnect more and more.

I am just me. The darkness. The solitude. The void.

I am the evidence of my names!!