It was said that no one has to be alone. But in all actuality, everyone is alone at all times. You can't help but be alone when you are in this world because no one controls you.
Flashbacks of times, both good and bad come into my head like speeding interstate traffic. At times there are some severe wrecks other times just a mere fender bender. But none the less there have always been some type of accident and wrecks in my life. The key was always cleaning up the mess and then keep moving on down the highway. But many times there are still lingering problems from these accidents. Things seen and unseen that are side effects from the accidents.
Moments of laughter, fun and excitement float through my mind at intervals at times. Those few strands of sanity and pleasure are what hold things together for me. The thoughts of a weekend of passion, pleasure, fun and enjoyment keep my heart and mind pumping. That is what keeps the blood flowing and me breathing and getting up day to day. Yes I can sit here and be real with myself and everyone else and tell that I have had some good times regardless of the negative aspects that have occured.
But those things that I regret do stand out like a nail. I hate many of the decisions that I have made in my life because they were painful and many I will continue to suffer for over and over. Things like when I was engaged have hurt me severely and changed my views on a lot of things. I don't claim to be perfect or that my decisions or views are all the best, because they aren't. My pain, my anger and dissatisfaction have shown through like the sun on a bright day so much that it was hard to even cover it up.
My heart, body and soul craves and mourns the loss of feeling that special woman I had next to me, beside me, with me. The feel of her breathe while she is sound asleep, the feel of the rise and fall of her breasts or just waking up and looking into her eyes. My arm around her enjoying her very essence. She was the light in my universe then. The eclipse and sunshine combined into so much that it was hard to distinguish the two. And now that it is all gone. I see, feel and hurt from the void that has been left there. There is still light in my life, just no longer the sunshine that I had recently gotten use to in my life.
Now I have pulled back into my armoured self. Knowing that I shouldn't have let things get to this point. But I fell hard and fast and now all I get is evil, sarcastic words from someone who was supposed to at least like me. Now even my attitude has changed toward all this. Love is turning into hate. I fight the battle to prevent that but damn she makes it easier to go that way. How much do I need to endure for her to make a decision and just move on? All of me still desires her in so many ways, but I refuse to be raked over the coals and dessimated because I made a mistake and whatever issues she has that are tormenting her.
The Ying Yang Twins said it best"ride by myself, get high bye myself, fuck these hoes by my god damn self". Just have to be by myself. The comments were made that I spoke these things into existence and that may be true. But I can't answer for anyone other than me. Heartless and closed are the adjectives that can be used about me now. For those that have not already proven themselves worthy then they will continue to sit outside the envelope and look in and judge. Everyone is intitled to their opinion of me and my actions but it does not matter one way or the other. I love and I love very hard and deep. That is the reason behind my connection with fok and everything. If I care about u and or love you then I am there for the long haul. Most cannot understand that but that is there loss. There is always brought up the fact that I have alot of female friends but that should not matter one way or another. For the woman that I love and want to be with me was the woman that was first in my life above everything and everyone else. Too bad she couldn't see that.
So as I have made more changes in my life and everything now. Those that I am friends with know that I am here to stay and that our relationship will not go away. Calling to check on them or just writing a letter wondering what they are up to is the way I am.
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