As I sit here listening to E 40 and Too Short.
Amidst thinking, contemplation and analysis. *yeah the usual...lol* I have pondered, explored and made decisions.
As deeply as I love and give apathy in equal intensity. Because of attempts to be close to some people it has detrimental effects on them. Ie lil red and little one being submissives or Ru being my fellow Road Warrior. The experiences from this year and Amsterdam made me really decide to stand on the rampart alone. That being a Dominant means I cannot say, share or express too much. And being a friend and someone's man I still have to measure what I give out. It makes me miss the days of being married and being able to talk openly and we dealt with whatever was felt without issues and all. But this is the modern age.
My focus has been on those I am close to having support, help with whatever and them being happy. It is part of the basic core of me basically. Thus it is something that will always be the case. I do take time for myself more than I use to but still not as much as I am repeatedly told I should.
Going to Amsterdam really showed me that the thing that was important was lil red and little one being happy and doing their thing. I have avoided being selfish most of the time. Not sure if that is from the situations or merely feeling. I stepped back and compartmentalized things even more efficiently. I looked at their needs, wants and happiness and said ok let me see what I can do to facilitate that. And yes, I have heard the protests from them about me being happy but my happiness is something that really doesn't equate well to theirs or anyone else's. My decision was to do what was required of me as Dominant and man that cared about them, Make sure to the best of my ability they are good and doing their own thing.
Can't hold onto things that are intangible and archaic anymore. Relations are what they are today. I chose and decided.
The good and evil have morphed into this darkness. Filled with emotion, feeling and thinking. Yet, everything has to remain within the vault of my existence.
As I cherish what I have had I place everything into their monoliths.
More later
No comments:
Post a Comment