Dead Reckoning: When the gleam has faded

So Ru Ru said it best when she said, "I guess it hasn't been realized that you have disconnected and backed away."

That statement was based on feelings, desire and want. Since she knows me the best and the closest she can pick this out rather effortlessly. And she had picked it out early in the year.

Fear stops most and hinders a few. But fear is something that you can choose to overcome. As a man and Dom I have fear of failure, purpose and goals not being achieved. But I decided not to be complacent or a victim to fear.

My desire and choice in relationship is one of purpose and achievement. So I am always ready to dive in and be vested in making it work out the best way possible. Gung Ho and crushing all the fear, anti emotion and feeling barriers and all. That is until...

Until, I realize that it is not worth it or not felt or wanted. At that point as Ru pointed out. I just go into whatever mode. If we see each other then fine. Keep the effort minimum or possible life support. This is where "it is what it is" remains in play.

The relationship that I want and require I remains the goal. Reality shows me that I just have to shrug and sit back and do nothing. But this is the part of D/s that isn't all glamorous as we have discussed a number of times. This is the mundane and daily, regular maintenance of a D/s relation. And I am managing it as well as it can be. There is no blueprint and in my case it is all weird and crazy fly by the seat of your pants thing.

Here is the key though. You have to want to be bothered with who you are in a relation with even when you are not playing and being kinky. And I have done that and I have branched out to grow my experience through different other aspects of subs. And still my one dynamic remains key and the goal line for me. That D/s with permanency that I want and seek.

There is no breath holding. No, phrase of positivity to be spewed. There is only the realization that it is all out of my hands. All I can do is stand back, stay uninvolved and let whatever happen.

Until something changes and says yes we can. Then i will sit back and watch the waves crash. Get in where I feel like I want to fit in temporarily and just be like "FUCK IT" like clockwork again.

Hmm, reminded shades of the build a bitch program again.

It definitely was an interesting friday the 13th yesterday for show. Ghosts of the past at the cigar shop. Conversations I didn't ever expect. Another level of understanding presented.  And thankfully no aunt I do not like staying here last night. Amen

It is a nice crisp day so enjoy yourself. The fall is finally here. And I am looking forward to anger and destruction again.