Sitting here listening to a Prince mix while eating pound cake and super deep in thought analysis and tactics.
I am not a Prince ultra fan like redvelvet but I have my reasons why I like and have listened to my favorites from him. A exceptional artist and musicians. Even though I had the discussion with Paul at the shop about Prince being a musician and he disagreed, to say that he was an entertainer. I saw why Paul said that based on his age and being a devout jazz musician forever. Simple disagreement. But Prince has sung quite a few things that drum up memories. And his death signified a true death to womanhood. *you would have to truly know me to understand*
The week has been one of;
- Agitation
- Shock and awe
- Service
- Knowledge
- Reflection in existence
I didn't think that the bdsm conference would dig deeper than it had already into the week. To actually to come into active existence. Truly Men and from Mars (Saturn for me) and females are from Venus.
The discussion was about the differences in communication, understanding and application. I say things directly and they are taken to mean something that I didn't say because of perceived feelings and my overwhelming existence. From redvelvet's disbelief and flight from my proposal years ago to the current situation of feelings of inadequacy. The signs have been there and dropping bombs. I communicate directly, mostly military style, I am not politically correct and my demeanor is not one of the fucking Partridge Family.
Things that have been messed up during communications:
- Being with me takes a sustained and maintained effort, interest and actions.
- If I have not told you things that needed to be fixed and/or you are doing things wrong. Then we are fine
- Either you have value or you do not. My words and actions convey those things.
- If we are still communicating then there is still hope for you
- My love is just as strong and potent as my apathy.
- Either you understand you have a meaning to me since I communicate with you and more or you worry about how everyone else is treated and join them
- I have your back, want the best for you and will do what I can for you as long as you remain in one of the three circles of my life
So what females here from me is many times nowhere near what I said to them. It is what they think or interpret from how I said it and all this other stuff.
If I truly maintain or have an interest in you then I will ask questions, talk in order to get to know you. That is what the humans do. Since I can't just club bitches and drag them here to be mine anymore. One of my few expectations of females and humans is that if there is an interest that they ask, talk and find out about me. The trend seems to portray something totally different though. They think they can predict, know and understand me fully. There is only one that can truly come close to that. I thought redvelvet would be the one in the inner circle and have that understanding. It hasn't happened that way.
The concept of feelings and emotions.
Yes, I do feel and have emotions. I just don't share or extend them at all to anyone regularly. Unless you show me that it is warranted and wanted then I will continue along with not even a beep on the ekg showing I give a fuck. Because, that is what is wanted in society. And why wouldn't I make females feel more comfortable when being me? So, I let go of those notions and actions. And the results are....females are happy and more comfortable since they don't have to be confronted with, see or feel anything from me. Or look at their inability to feel and show and give emotions.
Why is it this way? Because of vulnerability and past experiences. I have been compared over and over again to whoever they have dated, been with or around before. When it is right there in their face the differences. Shown, said and revealed. But there will continue to be comparisons between me and their males and them and who I have been with previously. All of it has no bearing to things currently. But, I realized I cannot make them unlearn this trait without some unethical operations.
I will continue the path that I am on. If they want to join me then it is easy. Otherwise the sliding scale will remain in use for their comfort ability.
D/s and Me.
I have looked at things and have grown a whole damn lot. The listening to and interacting with those with long term dynamics definitely help. I have even been able to talk to some young ladies about the beginning of their journey into submission and D/s. No veteran at all. Hell, I am doing my best going through things. Mistakes have been made here and there but I have learned them. I ended up on a poly situation that I had not intention of being in and wasn't seeking. But it has created a catalyst for me to see differences and similarities in submissive females. To be able to apply behavior modifications more effectively.
With little one and flower child I have seen a submissive side that is more accepting but still with it's things to conquer. Because this lifestyle really is about understanding and knowing who you have decided to get involved with. And I understand more now than ever how they said, "you have to like and be attracted to who you are with," because with out that I am ready to demote everyone when things are not where and how they should be. Adjustments in protocols, requirements, initial agreements and making sure to be super thorough have been some hard learns. But they have been receptive to things which is a good thing. I just learned what I will need to do if I choose to do this again with anyone.
D/s has made me be able to understand things more clearly. Disconnect more the things I use to be connected to. Establish relation level equivalencies.
In General.
Their daughter will be moving and i am glad. When she does I won't be seeing her again and until the parental units get here I will be at peace.
My counseling skills are still up to par. lol Not necessarily a good thing per se for me. But hey, the females are glad and happy for it.
I use to seek comfort in the woman that I loved the most and wanted to be the most with me. I learned the folly of my ways and will stick to not having that type of ultimate comfort. More alcohol, food and traveling it is then!
Agree with Ru. It is time for the type of fun and laughter that I need. So at some point between her trips, parties and all. The Road Warriors will be hanging out. And I will be fully entertained again!
So...
I am fine. Fully armed and armored up. I have home made pound cake. Had a roast beef and provolone grill cheese. Will be having fresh shrimp in something tomorrow. lol And making the moves necessary for my team to remain outstanding.
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