Entrance Into My Day

Another year turned. And unlike last year and previous years it wasn't filled with travel, fun and excitement or new adventures.

It was filled with contemplation, realization and just life. As I sat there all night among the waves on the beach. I just dealt with it all. Well, as best as possible right now. There is so much going on.

I am thankful for Ru and keeping me sane, functional and helping me even when I am stubborn. She has been a life saver and more over and over again.

I can't say that everything has been horrible. I found what I wanted and I have worked towards it. Seeking to cross that finish line. I have had a moment of peace, pleasure and enjoyment this year. (I am beyond in need of one of those again to try and get back to being able to maintain). But I did see that momentary glimpse of me smiling happily.

My actions have always been gung ho towards that goal that I want and I am passionate about. It has always worked out well. Now, there is doubt. There is apprehension. And I had to realize just how deeply it went.

I have always led. Whether I needed to use my booming voice and presence or my natural way of quietly effecting change and action. Never have I questioned my Dom and dominance.  It is difficult when you encounter something that doesn't work out the way it has though. I will always have those that are enveloped in my world covered with concern, support and guidance.

My journey has been one of pure hell lately. But as is my nature I journey on for I am the Valley of Death. What I looked for to comfort, console and give me respite wasn't there. And it perplexed me. Then I realized the difference. The factors of now instead of how it should be. Understanding came and I had to close off alot of things with me. It has brought about unknown and familiar territory at the same time. And some of that concerns me.

I am looking right at what I want. The thing that will make me happy and give me a better outlook towards the future and growth. And I have to laugh because it is right out of reach for me. Can see it and almost touch it. But it is laughing at me.

The key has been understanding. And I have come to more and more of that. But I am wondering if the adverse of that will come to pass.

I think I am going to stop rambling here for now and return to thinking.

But I am thankful for those that have recognized another year for me. And glad for the things that have made me smile, laugh, crave and be happy.

I think it is time to go sit back on the beach and do my Atlas rendition again.