I am guilty of overthinking constantly. Yeah, I know it is not a revelation for the few that actually know me. But it is an admission.
I think because it is my nature. The things that I want, need and are important to me I make a full assault effort towards achieving and keeping them. Now, I have been shown how scary and offensive that is to the humans. Basically, it is not the norm. Then I am not the norm by far anyway.
I never thought that it was wrong or hard to desire, act and continue to achieve the things that you want and need. And that is not just about jobs, houses and money. But also about relations, desires and dynamics.
The connection is the pinnacle of importance for me. Without it there is no relation at all. Nothing to holds anything together. There is the connection that I hate and hate to admit when it has happened twice in my life so far. It is the one where I know that the person is the right person for me even though nothing obviously backs that up. it is the one that I got married over and therefore I hold as simple facts and evidence. So when it happened in 2014 my first response was FUCK YOU BITCH! I thought it was just some false sense of hope in a world that is a "whatever" mentality. But I realized that it was another self evident truth of me seeing the treasure through all the fort knox shit that was in front of it.
So...
In talking with Ru about our situations we discussed how we hear the words people say about their feelings, wants and desires but watch as their actions show none of those things. Making the words hold absolutely no meaning at all. Once again continuing to vow to never allow that to manifest itself.
My relationships have always worked out with them showing their desire, want and need for me and us. That mental connection where we are locked into the relation together in our roles. Moving forward into the unknown. So when this didn't happen as it always had I didn't know what to make of it at first. I realize that everyone doesn't think, see or feel the same. But if there is the connection there then it should be a natural progression? Shouldn't it? After the slap to the face i had to put some more effort in, only to realize that effort wasn't going to change anything. I had to let it go completely. I hear that old addage "if it was meant to be then let it go and it will come back."
So here I am with an anomoly Spock! What the fuck do I do now?
Let's get the simple stuff out of the way.
I do not run around expressing desire, wants, connection with just anyone. As I am picky as hell it is actually a rarity that it happens at all. If I care it is more than you are a decent human and we can talk. It is the level of you are vetted enough to enter the outer circle of those I interact with. How many circles are there you ask? Hmm, let's see:
The inner sanctum
The elite
Down with the team
and the Your in the door
levels
The levels denote the level of intimacy and personalization that you are cleared for. Inner sanctum of course is the ultimate level and is where there is complete trust, acceptance and understanding.
The application when it comes to D/s and human relations:
Human nature
Through analysis and observation I have become decent with this. It is how I have connected with people on a level that they weren't expecting or open to at times. That being able to discuss, listen to and support the things that are part of who they are. Maybe this is from that first class with Dr Fisher in Frankfurt or my love of psychology. But hey!
Be the best I can
That afore mentioned aspect of working hard towards needs, wants and goals applies here. I have been reading, interacting, enjoyed Black Beat and want to attend more educationals, plus have gotten involved in the community. All so I can keep growing and learning.
Learn from the best
As much as I would like a mentor to help me. I haven't been able to find one yet. A combination of location and availability and all are all obvious issues. But I do listen to the well experienced Masters and Dominants on conference calls and events. I am not anti humble to think I know everything or am a master of it all. So yes miss, I am looking for mentors.
Perserverance
This isn't a plug and play situation. I stepped in knowing that it will take time, effort and everything to accomplish and do it well. Regardless of the struggle, issues and difficulties I am sticking this out and moving on regardless of what others think, feel or whatever else is going on. This is what I want to do and will continue to do unless I choose otherwise.
Damn, I am not perfect?
lol, I am not perfect. And I have definitely made mistakes. Some huge and very regrettable mistakes. Especially last year. But, I accept them, learn and do not make the same mistake again. I take responsibility for what I have done. I do not have a crystal ball to make sure everything runs perfectly.
ok, the door has been opened.
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