Complex Simplicity, has been the words that have said and described it all. An example of the dual purpose that I hold within me. From the deeply loving to the mr freeze of apathy. My laid back nature couples with my unbridled rage.
Even HQ has mentioned about maybe needing a grey area with things and people. But I find that I am super hardwired to be "all engines full ahead" or "all stop." I don't know if this is something that rubbed off being around military bases and people or what. But it is how I grew and solidified myself in adulthood. I do gave a little bit of grey area to those I love and care about. Well, that is until that grey area is violated, used improperly or taken for granted. Then things return back to the basic formula once again and I adjust my interactions with them. This really came into play this year with friends, lovers and applicants. My existence works upon the premise of either we roll together as Seal Team Six or you are an Enemy of My State. But for the few that have made it into my inner sanctum sanctorum it reflects a deeper meaning because I let you in to the place that I show love, caring and support. The things that I explain to those accepted that they hold a high honor and importance to me.
The Lifestyle
Even in bdsm my factors have come into play. Having started out with someone that had already been in the lifestyle for many years as a sub/slave I still was in my zone. The area where I remain a dichotomy of action and thoughts. Becoming a Dom and also realizing I have naturally been that through nonsexual and sexual aspects. There has always been an effect that I caused with others within my interactions. Both mentally and physically.
Even in play, the pleasure and the pain are two opposing forces but have the same intensity and need for me to create. It is natural for a man not to want to inflict pain upon a female because we are drilled by society to see that as wrong and therefore should never happen. But there has always been a need there. And I have to say the "retarded houston monkey bitch" showed me the way with that. When I choked her and fucked her with the anger and rage that I created. It brought that barrier down and shook my mental lock until it opened.
The intensity of giving pleasure and pain are both at the same high level for me. I have been doing forced orgasms and over stimulation through sex while swinging and in personal relationships since the beginning. Because that need to make them lose control, pass out, tap out and submit to the pleasure that I make them have is my addiction. I have wanted. Not wanted. Needed! to be able to let go and give the pain but that aspect was one I had to be careful about. Because female can say they want all of me and can handle it. But when I do an honest assessment I know they can't handle it at all. So I understand that and never let it happen so they don't end up hurt and damaged.
But now I have met someone that says and shows that she can handle it. And that is after slow walking painfully along (for her) to the point where I am comfortable with her being able to take and enjoy it. Because if I don't act responsibly then things won't be right at all. And there won't be repeat performances in pleasures. Thus, the super skepticism with those that claimed they can handle me or be my equal when they have limits on themselves.
Love and Apathy
My heart beats and glows like the sun on solar eclipse. While it also can be colder than the rings of saturn. What you see and experience all depends on where you choose to be.
I am the one who will walk with you into the bowels of your hell and safe guard you. Sit quiet and listen or even just both of us quietly reflect upon you. When I say I love you I mean it with the weight of a universe upon it. And when it is said to me I expect it to have the same meaning to you. Is that fair? Yes, it is. Because I explain that it is not something taken lightly with me and that if it is not true love by the definition I use then don't bother with it.
This is where HQ's mention about the in between areas comes to fruition. I remain open, available and actively providing love, support and passion for our relationship. That is until you choose and show me that it is not wanted, appreciated or warranted. Then the Master of Apathy appears in place of the caring Zeus that you are use to. I will address the change with you. Speak my mind and heart. Leave you to understand and resolve the issues. Then at appointed time when things have not changed. I will merely switch the light switch to the off position where it concerns you. That means leaving communication up to if you want to. Communication between us de-evolved to an associate level.
There are no dissillusions here. I know what love is. I get love from the rare ones that know what true love is. Munchkin and Ru Ru hold me down in this aspect no matter the situations our lives deal to us. As I have watched lovers and friends unable to handle it.
My eyes are wide open! Anything less than required....I am not having it
So as I prime my Death Star and double check my clone troopers and napalm. I leave you with this to further and foster understanding. Understanding the depths of this power and effect.
The Force of My Dark Side
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