Discussion with the girls led to me explaining how I am. And realizing why it is difficult for little one and the past ones to be able to deal with me.
I am the first to come to the rescue, sacrifice and kill everything if need be for those that I actually love and care about. Even if it is against they wishes at times. It is part of why little one says I am stubborn and why won't I let her help. But I will not say a thing about what is going on with me. No need to divulge thoughts or feelings because for 7 years now it has just been Me.
Helping me really doesn't seem to realistic. I have observed the times where I have extended the hand and saying I need some help in the form of comforting support and I got attitude and distance. I used the thought process of being able to do that with someone I was dating and I was wrong. I could no longer do that. I assimilated the message and returned to exactly how I am post and pre CD. I thought I was just weak at first when I reached out last year but then I realized that wasn't the case. I was merely coming to the realization and functioning of the current environment. The story was written on their blackboard from the beginning. I saw elevation in what they only saw and unattainable.
It was that moment last year where I realized that there was only Me, Myself and I. That if the compartmentalized wanted to appear then they can and disappear back into their distant existences. The plug in play existence began.
Trust, comfort, reliability are things that remain internal outside of my Life Unscripted partner. So many things have happened in this 380 day existence. The things I wanted that moment of respite from someone that actually gave a damn. Or just have a conversation where I didn't have to fix, manage and create at the same time. But that is not what I am here for or what I am built for. I had my repository and it is gone. The only vault left is my own.
Open to someone worthy but not even bothering thinking about it because it is a fallacy based on current events. As I have from little one and even red velvet back in the day that this type of internalization is not a good thing. They wouldn't, couldn't understand. They have nothing to do with me. Like the Missouri state motto though, if someone is worthy they can SHOW ME.
Until then the Army of One remains. And the product of Apocalypse will continue upon this path of disconnected remains. Nothing to give. Nothing to share. Merely my things that you have no need to be involved in anyway.
You an only give individuals a chance. They choose what they will do with it. Let them choose so you can place them promptly and properly in their very own secured vestibule.
Life is about choices. Choose wisely.
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