Black Hole Slam

There was the beginning. Fun, excitement and anticipation. Now there is merely a matter of "it is what it is."

I have always been just me. The one that is strange, stands out and off. I always thought being your own person, an original was important. Making a distinction between those you held in high regard, esteem and connection and those that were simply the public.

Apparently being yourself is frowned up on and wrong when it comes to relationships. So I have been wrong from the start.  I am supposed to treat everyone nice like the willy wonka chocolate factory and then shove them out the airlocks. Fine.

Those that I love and I am close to are parts of me. Meaning they make me happy, sad and all that stuff. the things that the public won't get from me. I know what makes me happy and when. with these comments of I would be so much better if I am nicer to the humans going on. I am supposed to do for everyone and make everyone feel wonderful.

Being married really spoiled me. To thinking that a woman could understand, appreciate and accept that I treat them unlike others because of her place and meaning to me. That whatever way I interact with others was no where near as important. My wife understood, accepted and laughed about it many times. My happiness and being content is really simple. It is not complicated. Others make it complicated.

I make decisions that others choose to take time and forever or never to do. I analyze with my pros and cons and go from there with whether it is acceptable or not.  I have no problem working towards a future with getting to know and building things. But damn this day and age they want you to jump through a bunch of hoops for them.  I met my wife and a year later got engaged and then a year after that got married. I move with purpose and knowledge of what fits and what doesn't. Even when things surface later it is workable because the foundation.  And this intense purpose works for me when it is someone that I choose to be involved with permanently. When I really don't have any permanent feelings about them then who gives a damn.

I was on the event horizon last year. I moved away from the black hole. Now I seem to be sitting in the middle of it. The crux of the nonchalant, emptiness.

Things this year have really revealed themselves.  Threat level is at Alpha and response is at the Omega level.  This ebb and flow has been unbelievable.

Yeah, the phrase "it is what it is," sums up feelings, experiences, the year and all.

oh well fuck it