So the ink spilled. Hoping you understand. you feel something...
Tuesday, September 05, 2017
Poetic Message: Where I Want to Be
Through all the things. For me connection is and always will be the key. Even when there is nothing being shown. When times are good and bad. That connection is what is there to give credence to what you are and mean to me.
So the ink spilled. Hoping you understand. you feel something...
I cannot remember
So the ink spilled. Hoping you understand. you feel something...
I cannot remember
Monday, September 04, 2017
The Killing Joke
The funny thing it is not with those I actually need my connection to be and strengthened with.
I have no problem and I am glad to be of help to others. To help them through trying time. But what does it say that the persons that I am supposed to be connected to are not in that pool of people?
Things have come to a point where there is merely the emotionless and unfeeling aspects of things. Because what I deemed important was only important to myself. Tough loss. But I understand that ramifications and realize the actions that have had to be taken.
So closed off. Devoid. Have become the things that were asked for of me. And I have given them. Letting all things be reduced to the compartments that were asked to be created.
I laugh. Hysterically even. For the brightness that burnt the universe has been caged. Put into the pit of nothingness. Imprisoned.
Mr Wolf. Chocolatezeus. Casket sharp as they say. As I look in reverence and remembrance.
Laughing
THE JOKE IS ON ME!!
Poetic Inflection: The Moment of When?
The Moment of When?
When there are no
longer
Words
Thoughts
Feelings
When
The void
Emptiness
Blue rondu
Become your
Existence
What do you?
Do you?
Is there?
Will there?
Was there?
Anything
Echo
Any thing?
From the
chocolatezeus collection 9/4/17 ©
My Needs Meaning vs
So after a discussion the light bulb went off. Finally actually realized why I disconnected everything when it comes to my needs and needing someone. Because for me when I have said that I need red or babygirl it was meant as a permanent thing in my life and so forth. But for them and other need is only about things they actually needed like air and food and whatever strictly for themselves.
Funny how it just became clear today after the conversation. But better late than never. And now there is more to place in proper protocols, compartments and applications.
Funny how it just became clear today after the conversation. But better late than never. And now there is more to place in proper protocols, compartments and applications.
Need vs. Need
Like a strobe light
The lightbulb went
off
Meaning
Definition
Modern day reveal
Need
Needing
Something that I
thought
Felt so deeply
That It became a part
of me
I said the words
Meant every letter of
it
A fiery passion behind
It’s meaning to me
Lost upon a funeral
pyre
For once there was
another that
Agreed and understood
The meaning in the
same way
So many times
Words and meaning
Non congruent,
disparaging entities
When I say
I need you
When I allow those
words to be
Expressed
It holds a reverence
Core belief and
connection with me
Very rarely if at all
will I say it
No wonder
The once or twice I
have said it
It has fallen upon
Deaf ears and hearts
Just something
Another thing
That only has this
meaning
For me
And only
Me
From the
chocolatezeus collection 9/4/17 ©
Saturday, September 02, 2017
Poet Ink Spill: Efforts of the Effortless
Efforts of the Effortless
Convicted to their
thoughts
Alleged feelings
Disillusioned
Words spill
Without reinforcement
Without substance
I
Like
Love
Care
Interject you
Here
An emotional
Slight of hand
Empty meanings
Still
They swear truth
Allegiance
With each breath
As I watch
Actions showing
Absolutely the polar
opposite
That
Importance
Interest
Are only relative
aspects
To when
They feel the need
Desire another toy to
play with
When there it is time
for
Something different
Equally unimportant
Just a matter of
Schizophrenic
Desired timing
Oh yes
I hear you
Your love
Your caring
Alleged to be special
When your actions
Show the truth in it
all
The effort of
Priceless
Ambiguity
Commonality
So just another
Way to get your
Moody fix
From the
chocolatezeus collection 9/2/17 ©
Friday, September 01, 2017
A Poetry Moment: A Heart With No Home
A Heart With No Home
Heart beats
Have left me
Bloodless and empty
Constant staunch
reminders of
What could of
Should of
Would of
Love’s
Cardiac arrest
With no
defibrillation
That could bring it
back
Love is me
I am love
So why is it denied
to me?
Looking back at
Love’s bonfire
As love kissed the
sky
Remembering
When the heart beat
like a
So So Def bass beat
When there was
Purpose
Meaning
A reason
For love to spit fire
Like a beast
Looking at the close
door now
The cold fusion of
Anti-everything
No longer
Unable to even say
Rest in peace
Love
The heart
Soul
Remains
Deceased
From the
chocolatezeus collection 9/1/17 ©
A Full Dance Card When You Don't Dance
There has been avalanche upon avalanche seemingly each moment for I don't even know how long now. I have lived since I was found doing crisis management for others as well as myself. But I wonder have I reached some limit or something.
The female parental unit is out of the hospital as of today. Which means preparation for all the variables that have the possibility of happening. So watching the tick of the clock now for the telltale signs or the results.
Pretty much since amsterdam I have stayed in the fortress of solitude. And I have strengthened it and my isolation a whole hell of a lot since then also. It is like I am watching a true horror flick starring myself and those I know many times.
Even though I am caring, protective and overbearing still. Emotionally and feeling wise I dead. Everything that has gone has allowed me return to being devoid of anything. Maybe it is the absence. Maybe it is others evolution while I have chosen to see a new darkness to travel. Some have recognized it and said something about it. Others may have recognized it and have not said anything. But I see the reality.
As I prepare for possibility of the female parental unit to die and then the male parental unit. I wonder is this a symbol of everything dying this year. Will the only thing left after this year be ashes and memories?
As I laugh ast Lil Flip's "Game Over" comes on just as I finish typing the last paragraph. lmao
Where I once turned to the one or those I loved and cared about for comfort and support. That is not an option anymore. They are not able to be that. And with everything they have going on it is a question of them being able to handle it anyway.
So I will continue the gauntlet.
Even though the beat thumps and head bobs. There is no dancing. For my inability to dance or even pretend to has hit zero.
Have a good one. Be true to yourself and live fully for yourself.
The female parental unit is out of the hospital as of today. Which means preparation for all the variables that have the possibility of happening. So watching the tick of the clock now for the telltale signs or the results.
Pretty much since amsterdam I have stayed in the fortress of solitude. And I have strengthened it and my isolation a whole hell of a lot since then also. It is like I am watching a true horror flick starring myself and those I know many times.
Even though I am caring, protective and overbearing still. Emotionally and feeling wise I dead. Everything that has gone has allowed me return to being devoid of anything. Maybe it is the absence. Maybe it is others evolution while I have chosen to see a new darkness to travel. Some have recognized it and said something about it. Others may have recognized it and have not said anything. But I see the reality.
As I prepare for possibility of the female parental unit to die and then the male parental unit. I wonder is this a symbol of everything dying this year. Will the only thing left after this year be ashes and memories?
As I laugh ast Lil Flip's "Game Over" comes on just as I finish typing the last paragraph. lmao
Where I once turned to the one or those I loved and cared about for comfort and support. That is not an option anymore. They are not able to be that. And with everything they have going on it is a question of them being able to handle it anyway.
So I will continue the gauntlet.
Even though the beat thumps and head bobs. There is no dancing. For my inability to dance or even pretend to has hit zero.
Have a good one. Be true to yourself and live fully for yourself.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Reenactment of the Battle of the Bulge Life Unscripted Style
I care
I like
Even in ultra rare occasions I love
But yet I do my duty
Do what must be done
Maintain others before myself
I am
Who and what I am
The weekend was long, agitating, tiring, enraging and a whole bunch of fuck shit. It reminded my I am alone at all times now.
I drove Auntie, her sister and my uncle down to see the female parental unit who was and is still in the hospital. The police weren't out. We made it their safely even though Auntie's sister lied about fixing the car. They spent a lot of time with her over the weekend. She needed it.
The female parental unit's sisters and brother got a first hand look at what the deal is going on for real with them down there. And I just looked at them and said I told you so.
I spent the time calculating what I would have to do next concerning them two and all the shit going on. Along with the things going on with babygirlprincess and others. I managed disaster after disaster all weekend. Hell, to be fucking honest all this damn year.
For the first time in a very long time I thought about the thing that red does that makes me relax and normally take a nap. And that was what I needed. Once that came to mind I nodded to myself and put on the rest of the Evil Armor so I could return to where I needed to be.
Got back this morning. Dropped them off and got my car. Now I have to get the car fix as well. Then more good news this afternoon from huntsville.
I am tired. I am worn. I actually do want some tlc and comfort.
Then there is reality.
And I hear Rico yelling, "Do you apes want to live forever?"
I remember
I breathe
Return to do what I must.
OH, and if you haven't seen Hitman's Bodyguard with ryan reynolds and samuel jackson it is hilarious.
Go check on someone you care about and love. Hug, kiss or just show that you are thinking about them.
As I look at my Doomsday clock. I say...
Be Well.
I like
Even in ultra rare occasions I love
But yet I do my duty
Do what must be done
Maintain others before myself
I am
Who and what I am
The weekend was long, agitating, tiring, enraging and a whole bunch of fuck shit. It reminded my I am alone at all times now.
I drove Auntie, her sister and my uncle down to see the female parental unit who was and is still in the hospital. The police weren't out. We made it their safely even though Auntie's sister lied about fixing the car. They spent a lot of time with her over the weekend. She needed it.
The female parental unit's sisters and brother got a first hand look at what the deal is going on for real with them down there. And I just looked at them and said I told you so.
I spent the time calculating what I would have to do next concerning them two and all the shit going on. Along with the things going on with babygirlprincess and others. I managed disaster after disaster all weekend. Hell, to be fucking honest all this damn year.
For the first time in a very long time I thought about the thing that red does that makes me relax and normally take a nap. And that was what I needed. Once that came to mind I nodded to myself and put on the rest of the Evil Armor so I could return to where I needed to be.
Got back this morning. Dropped them off and got my car. Now I have to get the car fix as well. Then more good news this afternoon from huntsville.
I am tired. I am worn. I actually do want some tlc and comfort.
Then there is reality.
And I hear Rico yelling, "Do you apes want to live forever?"
I remember
I breathe
Return to do what I must.
OH, and if you haven't seen Hitman's Bodyguard with ryan reynolds and samuel jackson it is hilarious.
Go check on someone you care about and love. Hug, kiss or just show that you are thinking about them.
As I look at my Doomsday clock. I say...
Be Well.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Music and this Cigar are Life Support Right Now
I got DJL3XX and Milkman mixes thumping in my ears and smoking a cigar. Because I need it right now!
It is rough arguing with parental units. Auntie is telling me not to argue with them. So I will do more episodes of Damage Inc.
So I did the only things I can do to deal with being here in bama. Got dropped off and walked to the cigar shop. Stayed in my music and to my damn self.
The fortress of solitude is being built bigger and better with everything that has gone on this year. Others can be more comfortable and it strengthens me to be all the Oyabun that I need to be!
I need some bottles of liquor and some shine.
I hope your weekend is going better than mine.
It is rough arguing with parental units. Auntie is telling me not to argue with them. So I will do more episodes of Damage Inc.
So I did the only things I can do to deal with being here in bama. Got dropped off and walked to the cigar shop. Stayed in my music and to my damn self.
The fortress of solitude is being built bigger and better with everything that has gone on this year. Others can be more comfortable and it strengthens me to be all the Oyabun that I need to be!
I need some bottles of liquor and some shine.
I hope your weekend is going better than mine.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Poetry: Gargoyle Serenade
Gargoyle Serenade
Crimson and cream
Permanency in black
Different like atoms
Still similar like
Sisters
I am
The monument to evil
Angry and distant
Yet right there
Misunderstood
Disbelief in my
choice in
Originality
Bathed in
Their blood
The blood of their
enemies
My duty
My watch
To the end of the
campaign
I remain
Etched in stone
Weathered and worn
Simplistically cold
Stalwart complexity
My presence
Each step a stomp to
a Masta Ace beat
Even in silence my
presence assaults like the 501st
Intended and
unintended intimidation
Flat line
Your heart, soul and
mind
For what I represent
Like finding an alien
invasion
Yet I remain
Throughout all the
storms
Self-destruction and
preservation
I am the buckler when
you waver
The bodyguard that
stands out the way
Tank that rolls
through everything
The war that you
never have to bring or manage
From the
chocolatezeus collection 8/25/17 ©
Uncharacteristic Moment Reveal
This is one of those times where I need comfort. That comfort of talking, laughing, chilling, fucking and play. Everything doesn't have to happen but hell if one happened now it would help.
Arrived in damn awful state of bama this morning at 424am. I rode straight on through the storms and all to get my aunt, her sister and uncle here.
The female parental unit liver and kidneys are at 13 percent. Heart function is at 15 percent. And none of that bothers me. Yeah, I have been up there to see her today after we arrived.
That black and white view that red and babygirl always talk about me having has about went to straight black now with the way things have rolled. I have managed but now I am wondering why bother managing any of it.
I know it is strange but I actually need some comfort from whoever I am dating or with once in a blue moon to keep things in balance and not be in a murderous rage. I am looking at the scale and that bitch is broke hard to the side right now.
Yeah, hugs, kissing, cuddling, rub down and that special move lil red does would make things bareable right now.
Angry ABM locked and loaded. Prepared for action!!
Arrived in damn awful state of bama this morning at 424am. I rode straight on through the storms and all to get my aunt, her sister and uncle here.
The female parental unit liver and kidneys are at 13 percent. Heart function is at 15 percent. And none of that bothers me. Yeah, I have been up there to see her today after we arrived.
That black and white view that red and babygirl always talk about me having has about went to straight black now with the way things have rolled. I have managed but now I am wondering why bother managing any of it.
I know it is strange but I actually need some comfort from whoever I am dating or with once in a blue moon to keep things in balance and not be in a murderous rage. I am looking at the scale and that bitch is broke hard to the side right now.
Yeah, hugs, kissing, cuddling, rub down and that special move lil red does would make things bareable right now.
Angry ABM locked and loaded. Prepared for action!!
Sunday, August 20, 2017
The Gravel Pit....Week in Review
lol the title is because I am listening to my theme music and Wu Tang's "Gravel Pit" is playing.
It has felt like operation rolling thunder. The odds have been seriously stacked and the fighting brutal. But hey, it is what I am created for.
The female parental unit is in the hospital again. And things have progressed even worse. But this has been ongoing like I thought when she was hospitalized last year. But dealing with heart, kidney and liver failure issues maybe she will realize not to try to keep this from folks while she is running around being nosey. I will be driving auntie and the other sister down to bama some time soon.
Strange how people have come to me or accepted my help in the lifestyle. I am after all the anti everything nice and sweet. lol But I don't have an issue with helping now that I have some knowledge and experience to offer help from.
It is entertaining when they pick at me saying that I am really nice and not mean or the shock when they realize that I am more than Evil who is on the conference calls and says what needs to be said regardless.
Honestly I do give a fuck. I give such a fuck that it pisses lil red and lil one off. Because I am overbearing. *shrug* I am not going to change being concerned about those I care about safety and well being.
My god daughter and the car adventures have continued like I unfortunately thought they would. She wants me to co sign with her father to get her a car. After her and her womb donor bought a car in Texas. smh And can't get it back to Tennessee. I knew this wasn't going to go well she told me they bought a 2013 for 500.
There have been questions of my comfort and needs. And those things use to be factors to me. But after all that has happened I put them away. Seeking comfort from those I am involved with or those I have a relation with just came to a stop. There is no need to put anything on them anyway. They have had more than enough going on. Especially lil red and lil one.
I have to say this fits. They always call me Biggie. And the stuff that has gone on lately has definitely qualified as some hypnotize description.
Right now I am definitely on the Bizarre Ride! lol
This transmutation of my life currently has been one of unbelievable perspectives. From the solitude and solitary refinement. To those that have stepped into the fray for different things.
Just going to continue the war until it it time to end it and make my mark.
Have a good one. I hope you had a good week and weekend. If not do something about it. There is still time.
It has felt like operation rolling thunder. The odds have been seriously stacked and the fighting brutal. But hey, it is what I am created for.
The female parental unit is in the hospital again. And things have progressed even worse. But this has been ongoing like I thought when she was hospitalized last year. But dealing with heart, kidney and liver failure issues maybe she will realize not to try to keep this from folks while she is running around being nosey. I will be driving auntie and the other sister down to bama some time soon.
As "I don't give a fuck" plays now...
Strange how people have come to me or accepted my help in the lifestyle. I am after all the anti everything nice and sweet. lol But I don't have an issue with helping now that I have some knowledge and experience to offer help from.
It is entertaining when they pick at me saying that I am really nice and not mean or the shock when they realize that I am more than Evil who is on the conference calls and says what needs to be said regardless.
Honestly I do give a fuck. I give such a fuck that it pisses lil red and lil one off. Because I am overbearing. *shrug* I am not going to change being concerned about those I care about safety and well being.
Bouncing to "X" by Xzibit
My god daughter and the car adventures have continued like I unfortunately thought they would. She wants me to co sign with her father to get her a car. After her and her womb donor bought a car in Texas. smh And can't get it back to Tennessee. I knew this wasn't going to go well she told me they bought a 2013 for 500.
There have been questions of my comfort and needs. And those things use to be factors to me. But after all that has happened I put them away. Seeking comfort from those I am involved with or those I have a relation with just came to a stop. There is no need to put anything on them anyway. They have had more than enough going on. Especially lil red and lil one.
Biggie's "Hypnotize" thumps in conclusion
I have to say this fits. They always call me Biggie. And the stuff that has gone on lately has definitely qualified as some hypnotize description.
Right now I am definitely on the Bizarre Ride! lol
This transmutation of my life currently has been one of unbelievable perspectives. From the solitude and solitary refinement. To those that have stepped into the fray for different things.
Just going to continue the war until it it time to end it and make my mark.
Have a good one. I hope you had a good week and weekend. If not do something about it. There is still time.
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