Relationship Relativity Reality

Now my relationships have been mostly crazy and disastrous.  I did have 2 great relationships though. My on going one with my fellow Road Warrior Ru Ru. And my marriage to my deceased wife Chocolate Doll. Now these are and were in no way perfection. But they are and were how relationships should be.

And my current relationship with Lil Red is one of diversity. Because we are like two different alien races without a universal language decoder trying build a planet together. But for me opposite types of females to ne are the ones that tend to work for me. As long as they are in my parameters.

Alright then. I am going to discuss my views about relationships here on my blog. And they will be following Sir Mythos' posts concerning his educational on relationshionships in the MDHL group on fet.  So I will be responding more in depth here. I will not quote from the posts because I do not have permission to do so. But I do invite those on fet to go read and discuss.

Here comes the insight of Havoc.

Relationships require WORK to create and maintain them. There is no way to get around that unless you are playing or pretending to have a relationship.

Today's Topic is: SELF CARE The importance and need for it in a relationship. Whether vanilla or D/s.

My view is that self care should be the building block of relationships. Because if you have no sense of self, self worth or understanding of self then it all begins with a farce.

It is the emotional, spiritual and physical aspects that need to be tended to and nurtured.

• Emotionally. Are you able to allow the flow of emotions and feelings that occur with connecting with someone? This is where you form a bond that either makes the relationship last or dates when it comes to an end. So many are in fear of their emotions and feelings that they doom any type of relationship they have from the beginning. It is alright to form attachment. Even though society tells you other wise. That bond is one that is fully of strength and power in a relationship dynamic. It is where the trust, desire and need have unified.  These mental aspects have to be admitted to, understood and accepted within yourself. Without that how can you honestly say you are available to be involved with anyone else? And I do not mean that you have to wait until you know everything about yourself. Because that is a life time journey. Understand that you do and did this or that. That you have pros and cons of the things that you have done and experienced. Understand the reasons why you did those thing and learn from them. Then accept all that has happened and the challenge of making the best decisions and things better along with that you can't change the past.
• Spiritual. This is that essence that allows for a drive and need to build upon your relationship. For me it has levels. There is that ultimate level, which is the immediate, no question what it means and the destination will be. (the very rare and powerful one that I do not take lightly) Then there are the ones that are based on how close the individuals are to me. Since I take relationships so seriously I come off mean, brutish and being the Caveman that I am. I will cherish, protect and love you to the best of your station. But I will also dismiss you without a second thought when need arises.
• Physical. You have to care of your body for you to remain in the land of the living and have the ability to be involved in a relationship. And yes, I have been a culprit to this in my life. I have done better. I have had a big reason to since I wanted to establish a permanent relationship. In this is that drive to have both me and my sub both working on being healthy and living long. So yeah, I started going to the gym and my eating style has changed. I encourage her with her gym and tennis activities that she enjoys anyway. So it is a bit easier.

Just a beginning. Learning and growing are a permanent thing.

D/s aka The Executive Branch of the Lifestyle

I cannot make it clearer. When the playing is done and you are working on, building or maintaining a D/s relationship it is not a cake walk.

Of course I realized that in talking to the experienced and conferences. When they talk about the financial, world applications and lawful ramifications of doing this.

The initial process is one of playing chess with both hands tied behind your back until you progress more and more. It is like sending out force recon to the unknown and wondering if any of them will come back alive.

For someone that is a direct and immediate type of person originally. I find it interesting to look back on this last year and realize that I had to do that patient thing and all that I hated previously. It has definitely had it's moments throughout that time.

I can look at the growth within the labyrinth of Lil Red. As I hear the phrase "there and back again," from the Hobbit. *lol* A relation that was opposing forces at best in the beginning. Now something closer than distant.

With Lil Red I have been thoroughly challenged. From the weird things each of us bring with us to the communication gaps at times. This is where the choice of whether or not things are important and you can focus come to bear fully.

Why did I use the phrase "executive branch of the lifestyle?"  Because this is the non glorious and always fun part of bdsm. This is the management and responsibilities part.

And believe me when you get one of the stellar unicorn types management can be like riding a bronco while doing your 1090 at the same time. lol But it is worth it. I see Lil Red looking at me side ways but it is the truth. lol  The challenge keeps me interested and makes it all worth it.

The apply this fix and formula to solve everything. Doesn't work here. It is always on the job training and observation that you have to use to succeed. The traditional guidelines are there and they set down the basis and guide you. But Human nature is never that simple. And of course the adventure is always more memorable and exciting when it is not the same old boring things that you do.

Well I have to get back to reading my manual. More management to do.

And damn my play time is calling me too.

Till the next time. Adieu

I Walk Alone

After a year of growth, learning and adventures. I have arrived at this point. Changed but strengthened in how I use to be. As I embrace the enigmatic silence and darkness again.

I am angry and enraged. My ABM is on a Class 1000 level. I am not angry at her or her. I am angry at myself for allowing the nice and stupid part of me to show up. They are doing merely what they are programmed to and want.

In this year:

A female that I loved and closed to showed me her jealousy, contempt and reckless abandon for the relationship that I thought we had cultivated over the years.  Lying to me over and over again while playing these possess me games.

The female I got that one of a kind of connect with has been doing her best to distance herself from me. From the comments and discussions about how about getting with this or that chick and all that other stuff. I realized what I had analyzed had come to fuition.

A female that I knew for years that I have never been in her house. Met her child and seen her mother. And got upset at me about something she never spoke about. I guess the monkey bitches she became friends with and her personalities couldn't allow her to think clearly. But I found it laughable when she said I love you. Yeah, I can totally believe that. lmfao

I have battled and been buried under shit with the parental units. And the ways that I deal with the stress and find peace, were denied to me. Because they weren't accepted, received or understood. I learned that peace is dead to me.

Sooo....

In these last couple of days I had to really think and come to terms with things.

• The thoughts I had about relations and their possible outcomes was on point
• bdsm relation wise is probably not feasible for me
• Things will be relegated to mere moments in time. No future. No meaning.
• I will continue to learn and experience things. Simply because of what I am.
• There is a closed vault on "giving a damn."
• Constant thinking, analyzing and evaluating saved me. Kept me from flipping out.
• won't be doing this again

I have always walked and journeyed alone. Even with Ru by my side. She knows that I won't drag her down with me or come to her unless it is dire. Though she will fuss and we will fight. She knows I just won't use her like that. Plus I want her focused on her new relationship so maybe I can see her get married again before I die.

I took a chance. Made myself vulnerable. Sought to have what I needed. A wife, sub, intelligent, adventurous and rare type. I made the mistakes and I will live with them. I can't change the past. merely vault them with the rest and my heart and soul.

Just like every hourly battle that presents itself. Every obstacle that stays in my path. I will continue to do it alone. On my own. 

I continue this walk and journey.

ALONE

Reactive Armor...A Deeper Understanding

This really applies to me and how I am and have been.

Definition: Reactive armor is a type of vehicle armour that reacts in some way to the impact of a weapon to reduce the damage done to the vehicle being protected

You thought when I said reactive that I meant that I was reacting to stimuli. Reality is the reactive armor is being prepared for things. 

I always wanted family. Me, a wife and kids. Reality shook that to it's atoms. I finally found a wife. Yes, a miracle in and above itself.  But there still were no kids as much as we both wanted them.  And then there wasn't a wife anymore. 

So I was thrust back into the horrid and ultra stupid world of dating. Basically, I knew I wanted a wife again. But this time with the understanding of even more depth. I want a wife that is submissive to me and even more connected than before. I fucked up now. I just went to impossible to infinity and beyond. I want a wife and her to be my submissive. No way!

I gave up and gave in. Still having that tiny spark of maybe I can hit the lottery twice in my life and get what I need. But I know that I am difficult and different. Even when they think they can connect me to their past men I show just how I am.  it is the reason why I have kept more than one for majority of my life. Because they needed to be a woman by committee to me. (you like that NFL management don't you?) One or two couldn't handle me. Three or four had a better chance of surviving me. 

Even though I know the odds are more than stacked against me. That it is hard to be with and understand me no matter how simple I try to explain it to be. That glimmer of hope was there. Hope...my enemy!

So lo and behold comes that distinct feeling. That vibe that I have only had once before. No, this is a fraud, It can't be happening. I fought it and then I realized that I wasn't wrong. It was that same impossible feeling and understanding. That vibe that said "this is that one of a kind thing." I evaluated and analyzed again and again. I couldn't deny it. So I did what I am supposed to do as the man. I put the reactive armor into the fray of things. Speaking my mind, what I sought and what I thought. I gave straight forward truth and knowledge about what it was I was thinking.

With everything that happens and goes into living. There is no telling what the future may bring. 

In this year I have been:

• betrayed
• envied
• the object of jealousy
• the scapegoat for not speaking up and speaking their mind
• the problem and anomaly
• the key to frustration
• overbearing and demanding
• aggressive and over confident
• despised for not wanting to be friendly

But in this year I learned even more. About life, me and living. The things and people that I have held important, evolving. The openness that I had allowed to grow and explode, met a black hole.

What reactive armor truly is?

Being prepared for things. Anticipating as much as you can but understanding that you will be blindsided anyway. It is making that effort even though you know they will not understand and feel some negative way about you.  Standing your ground when all others flee. The moment that you show compassion even when they are lying to, trying to deceive and attack you. 

Reactive armor is being battle ready and battle hardened.

And that is where I am. A bunker against the humans. The one that frustrates and pisses you off. 

I am me, myself and I.

Whether in the fortress of solitude or in your heart.

I can only be those things.

No matter how much you disapprove and disbelieve.

*ass smacks and nipple pinches*

Enjoy  the rest of your Sunday.