Trust: The Final Infraction

it is well known and documented that I don't trust anyone really. Hell, I have learned that people choose their level of trust with me through their actions and abilities.  But when I give you my trust and the opportunity then it's meaning is highly significant.

But see trust is not only about the truth but also about the application of when and how to handle interactions, emotions, feelings and more. The things that are not so simple.

I trust you to value the insider trading parts of me that you get when we are in a relationship or dynamic.

I trust you to care for and hold sacred emotions and feelings that are expressed and not seen by others outside of my circles.

I trust you to understand when it is not the time to bring up yours and others agendas during my and our critical moments in time.

These things are not that difficult I think. Well, for me they are not.


This is one of the things that separate those that can trust versus those that cannot. Like I explained in a group. If you are going to be together or try to be with someone you have to have trust. But if someone errodes or ignores that trust then their is a cause and effect to it.


Does it hurt when you can no longer trust the person or persons that you are in a relationship or dynamic with? Yes. But it sheds light upon everything and then you have to make decision about what to do next.


Take heed and be vigilant.

Letter to Chocolate Doll: Really?

Letter to Chocolate Doll: Really?

First I will say that you are severely missed and I miss you severely.  You are still an A.S.S. but you will always be my A.S.S. and that is all that counts.

I know you have watched over me and all. Done your thing even in death of being a woman among women. But this is some bullshit. I did what I agreed to do if you died. I have lived and I have tried the dating thing and all that. You must be paying me back for shit with the ones that you have sent to me and all. The craziness that has occurred apparently continues to keep you amused.

Oh, and your selection of red and bgp obviously you did in order to make me suffer and learn some shit. They were obviously handpicked by you of course. Liking and caring about them you definitely knew it would be an adventure. And thus why your ass put them there. Lol

Yes, I know that It has not gone according to how you probably planned or liked. But you know me and how I am and what I require. Nothing is the same and a lot of things are dead or dying now.  I gave it the college and boy scout try but it is what it is. Modern day de-evolution has occurred.

Wish you could have been here for ma’s funeral. You were definitely missed and needed. You understand the ability to support and comfort without all the issues, attitudes and other things that should have no relevance.  So many people showed up that it reminded me of your funerals and Big Ma’s. But you would have been proud I stayed to myself the whole time and was cordial. Well cordial for a caveman.

I hear you fussing about my decision and changes I have made in this dating, situationship, relation and dynamic thing. But hey you know I have to give them what they want. Lol  They are comfortable and it is what they wanted so it is all good.

Everyone still misses your smile, energy and spirit.  We were laughing about how you were with the families, coworkers and everyone you came in contact with.  You always have and continue to leave your mark.

I know my heart is colder. A change with the times. And I know you are saying that it shouldn’t be. That I should remain how I was.  But I am a modern chauvinistic caveman. Lol I tried. But honestly there hasn’t been any need for me to be that loving and caring person anymore.  Yes, yes, yes I hear you.  And it was necessary.  I am not as lovable and likeable as you are Chocolate Doll. I am just the ABM caveman. Lol And I haven’t done the build a bitch program again…yet. Lmao  So that has to count for something.

But could you teach? Show them the way? Get them to grasp and understand? I am just saying! It would make things easier and have things work out and go smoothly for once. Especially get them to understand the ability to have a real relationship that is love, caring, independence and all without all the defensive measures, fear and loathing, rejection and disdain that they keep currently. And that it is not about comparing to you but actually them achieving something at a higher level than they are use to and comfortable with. A level of intimacy, desire, support and living with someone that feels the same way.  But they remain stuck on disillusionment and fighting achieving that deep level. This is a very disposable relation society now. So I just give them the disposable situations they want until it is time for them to leave

Can you believe later on this year will be ten years since we got married. A long time ago it seems as well as just a moment ago at times.  Over a month ago it was a proposal and Queen Bear delivery to start things off ten years ago.  I am still laughing at that moment now.

Good looking out on everything though. You are the best of the best!

Hugs and kisses. Say hello to Big Ma, Uncle Raph and Aunt Numi.

And can you help your old husband out some more with the two you sent me and the rest. I want things to work but you know how I am. I am not fighting nobody that don’t want nothing.

See you later.

Your loving husband

Chocolate Zeus

2/5/18  ©

A Week in Review...Candid Moments in Death and Peace

So yesterday we buried the female parental unit. There was so many people at the service and the viewing at the funeral home. Those from bama to up north and everywhere. Everything was good. I stayed away from the male parental unit so not to deal with the issues of his dementia and whatever else he has going on.

So this is going to be behind the curtains type of post...

I have always done my duty as son, being and alien that I am. Everyone but one will never understand it based on their lives and that being the only way that they can look at things. I wasn't into family stuff because I was hatched to be independent and not need all that attention and everything. When I got married though it was the complete opposite because that was my family and I needed my family to be cared for, loved, protected and close to. 

So I wasn't a momma's boy or up under the father. I was just being me and did my job. 

I have known my mother was going to die for months. So, I was already prepared and ready for things. The male parental and their daughter may not have been ready but I was. 

With that said I know everyone expects everyone to cry and fall out when someone dies. That is not me. I grieve, deal with and handle things internally like all things I do must happen. Just because I am not falling on the floor crying doesn't mean I am not feeling anything. 

Many times people asked me how I was and their response was that they didn't believe me when I said i was fine. Reality is that I was and I am fine.  

The things that affected me the most were the memories of Chocolate Doll and Big Ma dying along with really wanting and needing someone that could fill the role of comforter that I needed without all the issues and drama. Just that one time where it is about me and everything being right in those moments. 

But I am thankful.

For that showed their concern and caring. The support and well wishes. The outpouring of concern. Even a guy from the cigar shop that I have not known that long came out to the country and attended the funeral .

This truly showed me who is there and who isn't. Along with showing me the necessary actions that are now required to be taken. 

I remain humbled and thankful.