Freedom in Vulnerability

Most send and keep their representative in the forefront when they attempt to get to know or claim to date people. This is where they feel comfortable at. Nothing invested means there is less likely of hurt and feelings. The disposable faux relations that are the rage of this day and age.

But in talks with folks lately in what I have called the *Full Disclosure* discussions there has been a diverse response to say the least.

There are those that are glad to be standoffish and not invest anything. They don't want to be hurt. They don't feel that anyone can live up to standards like husbands, boyfriends, fathers etc. So there is this automatic insurmountable wall that will always be there unless a miracle changes their mind. Any type of intimacy, closeness or involvement of emotions and feelings creates a shut down, sabotage and attack/defense mode. It is their ptsd of the past, present and future that creates their position. So these are the ones that may want to be pursued to the ends of middle earth and still may not get past the ramparts of their cold dead heart.

The next set of individuals that spoke on this were those that were one foot in and one foot out. They have their defenses up and there is going to be a long journey to get past them. But their actually want  an intimate connection but they are wary because of many different reasons. They begin with their representative and then allows their true self to show up at some point. There will be plenty of starts and stops but patience can possibly when them to be themselves fully with you at some point.

Lastly, there are those of us that have no need for representatives. We know what we choose and want and make it known and make it happen.  It is blunt force trauma for those that are not in this situation. Believe me I have had deep experience with this since I am blunt force trauma and was told I should not be forthcoming at all about how I feel or what I want until others have reached their comfort zone. But for me it is informational. That is all. As Lipz and I were talking about it, we just find it as refreshing knowledge instead of playing the hinting, guessing and assumption game that so many want.  As we discussed though when we present ourselves, where and how we are it brings about a desire for many to put their defenses up higher and run for the border. lol I have definitely been privy to that first hand a couple of times.


As discussions have evolved from all sides. I still stick with the prevailing fact that vulnerability in achieving your goal is strength and knowledge. When I tell you exactly how I feel, what is going on and my position. It gives you information to understand and be connected to me in a more profound way. It is not some around about way or deceitful path to circumvent someone. Especially if you are honestly interested, investing, caring and loving them.

But vulnerability and the pursuit of love, happiness, connection and life are like kryptonite to most. The mere mention of it will send many into a panic attack or attempt to create the biggest defense ever seen by anyone. That fear of rejection or a return of negative things from the past are the shackles that you choose to keep. The burdens that you choose to make sure that you will not have any growth in this area.

I am no guru or expert. I am just me, myself and I. The lone entity that will always just be ME. Vulnerability is part of being able to lead. Those that have severe issues with vulnerability show it most evidently.

But like ms 82nd airborne and Black Sheep has said...

THE CHOICE IS YOURS!!

Ky-Mani Marley & Yanique Curvy Diva - Turn Your Lights Down Low - July 2017

Ok, I am totally loving and feeling this bad!

Spice, D' Angel - No Worries

Besides enjoying the sexiness in this and Spice's thick sexy ass and this amazon D'Angel the message is clear



No Worries!

Sprinkle Me...this Life Unscripted Thing

In the middle of turmoil and upheaval there can be a bright light. Or in my case a darker one for my being.

Lack of feeling, concern or emotion has led the charge fully. The aspects that I don't care about will do what they do. Things will all end up being as they should be.

The build a bitch came into place last year. And I had to laugh as the Life Unscripted members talked about the build a bitch 2 program.

The ebb and flow has succumbed to outright death apparently. And what I once would have fought for and cared about lay dormant at the bottom of an empty shell.  I have watched the transition. Gave the effort and the vulnerable extensions. In the end the High Plains drifter remains. The only constant that can be trusted in this thing.

But like Suga T sang in E 40s "Sprinkle Me."

I get off in your head like a neurologist 

Not many can handle even that part of it. Experience and lesson learned to this 2pacalypse.


Through the stagnation and non stop everything. There has been some showers of candy rain. Definite positives in conjunction what Doomsday is ready to bring.

So I look up and say, "Thanks CD for what you have brought me. You're an ASS regardless. You know you could have done better than this. But I know you look out for me. But I also know your ass is getting me and laughing at me through the shit they bring."


So I am going to keep riding this nuke down the throats of the unable with a smile until you choose to excommunicate or join the ranks of ritual suicide.


Life Unscripted! People, adventures, experiences and things that you never would have thought real or possible.

This last year has provided a dynamic chapter in the book for sure. lol


Get ready for the weekend folks. Let it all hang out

Moods and Moments in music: Hello

I am feeling this version a lot. It strikes home some things for sure.

Moments, Moods and Time Passing

Let's break it down or let it be broke.

*Prince's "Adore" plays in the background*

Last week was the anniversary of my Chocolate Doll's death. A moment that I celebrate as well as deal with. That is right I am not devoid of feelings and emotions. I just reserve those precious things for those worthy and able to accept those things. That was Chocolate Doll. So she gets what others are scared of and cannot handle. So when there is true love, respect, passion and commitment then you get the deepest, most compassionate, caring and loving part of me. Otherwise you get what you ask for and can handle.  

But it wasn't about tears and pain. It was about reflection, realizations and eye opening understanding. For I sought someone that could be open enough, loving enough and strong enough to step out of their little armored cubby hole and live! No comparisons to my marriage. Just the opportunity to be better than what you were previously. The challenge is not for the weak. And that is why the weak fall silent, run away or sit in their corner crying.  I support and welcome those that wish to step up and embrace womanhood. I relish in a woman that can stand out, be dynamic and maintain that while growing our relationship. 

My time was spent in thought as I worked through current events and realized my failure at my promise I made to Chocolate Doll. The effort has been made. Open arms and heart given. I did my part. But who you chose Chocolate Doll just unable to be their part. The countdown in place. You better help your girl out. Anyway, I am heading back to my solitary compound.

But anyway...

New twists, turns and additions have occurred. And the journey has been spiced up a bit. About to see how things go down the rest of the year. But it already proves to be another pinnacle in this Life Unscripted journey. We are about to see what pans out with everything this year for sure. Looking forward to some things most definitely though.

Things with my god daughter are extra damn crazy. So this graduation is really going to be fucked up so yeah we are going armed like a damn Gundam while down there for this fuckery. She is not telling me all or anything that is going on but she told me enough that I know this is going to be a clusterfuck event. But that is my little girl so I will support her even though she is making a mess of this stuff. 

the trips are going to be interesting this year. Some added ones now but it is all good. Still have to work on the Disney thing more but hell if not there is next year when all the Star Wars stuff opens up.

I am just going to laugh at health and everything else because that is all that can be done. But oh well just fuck it all. 

Mood is fuck it.

Feelings are fuck it.

Yeah, things are going really like fuck it all right now. lol

Have a great week

Memory in Poetry: No More Goodnights

No More Goodnights
 

Caught up

In a swirl of emotions

Feelings flowing like typhoon season

The timing

Catches me off guard

Even though I prepare for it

Each and every time

No tears

Pain underlying

As time seems to fly

My attitude

Lack of tolerance

Define this moment that is etched in forever

Time flies

Still I celebrate

The moments

Adventures and life

Of you

Of us

Forever you will remain

Engrained in this cell structure of mine

Remembering

The promise you made me keep

The standards and bars

That remain high

As I know you watch

Showering your smile from above

In a place where you still

Give me love

My mind

And heart’s eye

Still wonders why

Yet

I cherish

Cling tightly to

All the things that you

Left

Inspired

Installed

In my heart and mind

Still

I feel you gone

Long gone before your time

So I will never say

Goodnight

To the love of my life

From the chocolatezeus collection  4/3/18  ©

Poetry: The Mists of Fleeting Feelings

That longing to look into your
soulful eyes again
slightly haunts me

as the death knell has told
seemingly so long ago

Still feels like something is left
an ember that may still be warm
And then reality slaps me back into reality

Seeing
Looking
Feeling

clearly
you chose
showed your choice to me

my soul weeps
my heart no longer beats

for there we were
upon the precipice of eternity
with the ability to tame our reality

yet

somewhere else
for some unknown reasons
you gave up
walked away from everything

no matter my efforts
met with audacious attitude and fatalistic
inconsequential venomous
retorts

you showed me the way
the path that you had taken

no matter my desire
the fires that burnt
to do all things and save you

into the mists of the abyss
you chose to partake in

Now
I just watch you falling

further and further away

falling

until this time
where I shock a flatline
for the last time

and let the mist claim
what is left of
the sum of nothing




from the chocolatezeus collection.  4/2/18. (c)

Professor Marston and the Wonderwomen

So I watched this movie last week and I forgot to comment on it.

The movie started off slow for me. I had to really pay attention and make myself think in order to maintain interest.

It shows the old 50s style living with an introduction into a nonmonagamous lifestyle. Which was beyond taboo for that era.  And also the creation of the Wonder Woman concept.

I watched it because little one had said she watched it and there was nothing else at that point to watch so I figured I would waste time and check it out.

The 50s household style made me miss married life and a woman that could handle that plus the modern era. But it showed a light on the hardship of becoming interested in the bdsm and poly lifestyles in a straight laced only time period.

Their introduction into rope play was romanticized and there really wasn't a true explanation in the Dominant/submissive dynamic. And most assumed that he was the dominant incorrectly.

But it brought somethings together that really hadn't been considered. And it brought about the situation and history for the Wonder Woman persona.

It definitely made me think about the household and what I originally wanted to what is now.

If you have interest then check it out.

Musings and Mahogany Delight

Some interesting developments since the last time. Came across unknown info online as usual. Laughed, took it in and added it to the rest of the list of everything. Laughter, the beach, Chicago and food and drink have stayed the course though and gave life to the current times.

Ok Giordano's is still the bomb and I see that I still love some Harold's chicken. lol After seeing a slave get some Luo Malnati's pizzas in the mail I am mad I didn't think of stopping by there dammit. Miss Dusty's since it was closed but the few hours were worthwhile.  And I had me original motherfucker at the hotel on lakeshore again. And they were delicious just like the first time dammit.

I tried to get tickets to do the damn African American museum and once again a damn bust. I can't even get some for June for my birthday. Fuck it! I am tired of trying to go there. I wonder what fucking morons put together this damn system. So I am crossing that museum off the list. I will stick to my museum and probably finally make it to the Spy museum.

The writing has been hitting home lately. And the book work and organization is getting done.  But there is still a lot more to do.

Adrienne's anniversary of her death is next week so I have to prepare. I am sure that will be a day that I don't need to be bothered with those that are not with me or have some ignorant ass shit to say. So the fortress of solitude it is and maybe a call to the one person that can be trusted fully. This whole year is a anniversary and testament to the good old days and to my dedication to quality.

So...

I ended up having a catching up conversation with mahogany delight. A fellow writer, poet and interest from back in the day. It has been years years since we talked and got together. She was always the eclectic, feminist with plenty of attitude. She had some good pussy too. But it was funny to hear that she has a damn 11 year old daughter though.

So the conversation came to her 11 year relationship that apparently just ended. Her ex apparently told her that she wasn't spending enough time with him and apparently has been dating someone else for a while. She works for a council check in dc, has to take care of her child and needs to hang out with her friends. Her comment was that she thought that males didn't want a female that they needed to be around but once in a while. I had a humongous laugh at that. But it is true. Females think these days that they can skate along and just kind of pick things up when they feel like it and someone will sit around waiting on them to get ready. Well. That is incorrect.  Nothing wrong with having your career, taking care of those that you love and doing things with your people. But if in your list of priorities who you are dating is not a priority at all then there is no need for you. And I know that from years of personal experience. She was shocked but she understood I was coming a place of reality check. A good way to catch up, help and be entertained.

Otherwise...

We have the countdown to the demon 6k episode and the god daughter graduation. This is going to be something for the books for sure. Life Unscripted will be other worldly at these points I am sure.

If you haven't tried it this Hibiki whiskey is Delicious! Get you some. Otherwise enjoy your weekend and you can hit me at the other spots for the other goodies lol

Poetry: Strangers

Strangers

Who are you?

Do I remember we?

Remind me why I am supposed to

Even remember

Wait

Something is coming back to me

Did we date?

Weren’t we supposed to be in a relationship?

Hmm, seems like a distant dream

Something made up in some off romance thing

I think love, desire and togetherness

Were part of that pipe dream

Oh wait

This is reality

That pipe dream

Shame on me for wanting to make things work even

Understood

Message received

My choice was made

The fulcrum broke on the opposite end

Even with my heart deeply invested from the start

You can’t fight another’s dead cold

heart

Back to reality

Back to life

Once soul mates

Laughing, adventurous intimates

Now strangers

Like we were nothing

At all

From the chocolatezeus collection   3/28/18  ©

This is Not the Yellow Brick Road: Dominance and Submission

Howdy

So between conversations, conferences and conference calls there has been a plethora of information exchange, observation and a whole lot more. lol

In my years of experience I have been able to observe and experience D/s in a multitude of ways.

From the fraudulent dominant, submissive and slave. Only there to usurp and control things that make them feel better. Unable to live the roles that they claim.

To those that are just lost and need a kick in the head to get them on the right path.

And those that are doing their thing to the best of their ability and they don't think that they infallible or know everything.


My Journey


In the submissive that I have had there has been a multitude of all kinds of things. From mistakes I made. To choosing the wrong ones. To holding onto things that were not going to work at all. All of these were my choices. There has been some success and plenty of learning for sure.

Learned that if they claim to be submissive or slave and they steady are trying to goad and change you then that is not what they are. If they are trying to mold you into someone else for their comfort then they are attempting to usurp the hierarchy all together.

Submission is a choice that they have to make for themselves. Not something that has to be ripped from or beaten out of them. It is their will and desire to follow your lead. To know that you will keep their best interest and well being at the forefront. And that is extremely real for me. I am going to keep their well being as one of the most important things. in the same token if they are not wanting to be a part of this then you have to cut your losses and let them go do their thing. It is their choice to submit willingly and do their role or not. If it is not then say thanks and take care.


Vetting, understanding and consideration are supremely important steps I found. Instead of just taking on some experiment to see another style of what was called a submissive. I needed to lay the gauntlet down and put them through it to validate their worth. Experience taught me that valuable lesson.

I have had some great service by those that have been under me as well as those that are not mine at all. And all have been appreciated. I love seeing, enjoying and being a part of what service from a slave and submissive is like when done properly.


One of the most important things though is the Alignment of Wills.  That need for my charges to understand, see and seek to achieve the goals that have been laid out for us. Goals that encompass employment, education, lifestyle, journey, adventures and more.  Without this there is nothing but backlash, attitude, dysfunction and Burger King mentalities.  Something I seriously wish I had fully understood and put completely into full effect at the beginning.

It isn't about commanding them to do my bidding. It is about the help, support and guidance that I bring. About helping with decisions, formulating plans, communicating needs and wants.  All to achieve goals that are set for my submissive. So yeah it is not all that selfish shit you had in your head , heard from the experts or saw on some fake bdsm thing. This is real life where we work on the betterment.


I am not at the end of my journey. I am still in the thick of it. Learning, growing and fixing things as I keep on moving. Building on my experiences and what I have learned has led me to be miles away from where I started. And I look forward to being miles away from where I am currently in the future.

Don't settle, be complacent or fraudulent about what role you want. Make it happen.

“Wars come and go, but my soldiers stay eternal.”

– 2pac

Poetic Moment: te desidero

the curve of your lips

the feel and taste of their deliciousness

I miss

your tantalizing chocolate

needing you to melt all over me

craving every ounce of your chocolate drop

I miss

your moans and groans

your arched back

creamy explosions

I miss

let me enjoy the look into your eyes again

to see the universe

shown brightly on that background of

eternity

I miss

our talks and laughter

in depth Prince discussions

music and tennis history

I miss

when there was an actual

you and me

when we wanted 

love, a relationship, a dynamic even

I miss

So I smile and ingest the memories

the adventures

places, things and milestones

that I still can keep

whatever has been chosen

I have no power over

displaced

I will just continue to

miss you

for eternity

from the chocolatezeus collection  3/26/18  (c)