These Moods, Moments and Memories

One of my favorite albums is Monifah's "Moods...Moments." It was one of the very few Rnb albums I could listen to back then. It held and holds a lot of meaning. And Monifah is one sexy motherfucker! Her songs provided context, connections and feelings as music that truly moves you always does.

red and I have had conversations about music and what it represents, how it makes you feel and the memories it represents. That is mostly because she is a music know it all *lol*.  But I seem to marry, date and associate with these types apparently. lol  I will warn you. Never do musical trivia with red or little one. You will lose.

So an awful lot has gone on lately. Especially this year.

Parental unit hospitalization. Health issues. The things going on with Ru, little one, red and everyone else.Add to that the transportation issues and other things. You can say there really has been a busy and continuous amount of stress.

red and I were discussing my current situation and the concept of support. It is believed that I don't, won't want or ask for support. I have asked for support. red and little one have given me support. And Ru has been the support plenty of times.  But I have made some changes about support, needs and everything concerning myself. So things are a bit different. red called it sad and I understand why she said that.  But the scale had to be used and balanced accordingly with this as well as other things.

Here is the twisted part to the paragraph above. On the other hand I will do whatever I can to support and be there for those I actually care about. Even when they just want to be alone to deal with whatever. Yeah, a double or triple standard, but hey I am a Caveman. Not going to lie and claim that it doesn't bother me that I cannot be there or support those I care about. I want to always be there but I realized that I can't and i shouldn't from being with red and little one. And I needed to learn that. It helped me with understanding and acceptance. The puzzle and the scale were made proper.

Being connected is a seriously important thing to me. Whether the person I am interested or whoever understands it or not. I have and will attempt to explain but it is a concept that seems to be only be grasped by those that it is important to. And it is not an issue. It is fine. It doesn't change the way I feel, the position i have given to the person that I am interested in or care about.

I didn't think about it until today when i realized the comment about a picture of Chocolate Doll and the discussion about support and comforts  But hell it has been 10 years since we first met and had great sex on our first date at her house in philly for five days.  Hard to believe that it has been that long.

So all these days, months and times have truly been...  moods, moments and memories


As I listen to this mix I smile, laugh and think about the past and present.


Big smile. Make the most and best of all that you do.

Poetic Moment: Pieces in a Puzzle

Pieces in a Puzzle

Bits and pieces

Each bringing parts of the whole

Fitting together

To create

What I need

Passion

Love

Freakiness

Each skill

Held in captivity

As I place each

Each lady

Giving what they are

Giving me

What I need

Unable to fit exactly

Needed for their individuality

Each uniquely qualified

Creating

Maintaining

The best of what I need

For the puzzle

Whole process is

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  9/30/17  ©

Here Are the Things You Don't Know

Cue the kokoro drum beat...

So this week has been a fubar, clusterfuck of one of the utmost proportions. But we will get to that a bit further down.

There are those that consider or think they have grasped the understanding of me. From those in the circle to those outside of the realm of personable entities.

So here are some secrets. So pay attention:

Connection

This is something that is of extreme importance to me. It is the tie that binds more than your personal, logical application. It is what makes me be able to be with, want and see you as something of importance in my life.

It is a hard concept for most to understand because their logical thinking and anti-emotional aspects scream "Danger Will Robinson!" at every instance. But here is where intimacy can reside in a very deep mental and emotional state.

When I have told someone about my connection to them they think I am crazy and they put their defenses up higher and keep on running. But this deep acceptance is what makes the difference between your situationship and me having a real relationship.


Acceptance and Understanding

I am not, nor will I ever be your former boyfriend, husband, dominant or daddy. I am just me, myself and I! I say that because apparently there is always some need to use some comparison.

I actually care, want relationships, work on relationships and believe in them. Take time to support, nurture and maintain love, affection and interest.

My life works on the black and white scale. So yes, red and babygirl can tell you I am the extremes if you need to ask them. I am like either we are rolling or you are an enemy. No need to wait around for wishy washy ass shit. But I do realize that is the way that most work and I see that. So I applied the sliding scale for all those that I interact with and maintain some type of relation with.

With my sliding scale I understand and accept. But can you understand and accept me? Or does everything have to be an issue because it is not your way or understanding? The sign of true independence and intelligence is being able to be together, care and disagree and not have an issue.


I think that is enough secrets for now. Don't want your head to explode like scanners.

Well the week has been filled with attitudes, chaos, infighting, some personal attacks, realization that cold as ice is the best way to have a relation with some females.  It is just time to make everyone even more happy.

Plus waiting on the next hurricane. Hell, we haven't even gotten into november yet. So this is going to be an interesting year.

I truly see the reasons why I have become nice and cold, plus accepted and honored the distance that those I have relation with asked for.

Times have really come into play just like World War Hulk. And to be honest I relish it fully. There may be one bright light left. But, the flames of decimation and destruction have already arrived. Ultimate Hulk cometh!

My advice to you.
Don't fear life. Live and make things happen. Mistakes will happen. But if you can't live then you can't enjoy living your life.

Until the next episode. Be well.


As I submit to the kokoro drum beats...

Walking the Mile

To say that things have happened lately would be an understatement. To say there hasn't been changes, revelation and demarcation would be a lie.

There are times when I choose to help and there are times when "There Only Can Be One." I have attempted to help a lot, care and like.

My mind processed and predicted things appropriately I have been shown. And my choices were shown and revealed to justifiably  correct. Good to know I pay attention to what is said, done, not said and not done.

I am designed for.
Built for.

Yeah, those exact things.

I am sure that you are having a great one.

Back to working on the new program.  (damn I don't even know what to name this one yet other than 3.0)



Make the most and step outside of your little imprisoned mind, heart and soul. You will actually finally live.

Relation Poetry: As I Walk Through the MindField

As I Walk Through the MindField

Sometimes

It is the silence

Absence of substantiality

A void of connection

The distance of

Feeling and relationship

To the extreme

Other times

It is the nonstop barrage

Moment to moment

Explosions and implosions

Mental, emotional anguish

Their Maginot line thinking

So I choose

The connection

The worth

The importance

The desire

As I attempt to get closer

Will your defenses

Become silent and more deadly?

Loud and uncanny?

I am the flail

As each mine of yours

Explodes against me

During this conflict that we keep

Through connections

Love and feelings

Keynote adventures

You choose

Chosen

Your Defcon 3

Yet with an outstretched heart

I continue still

Leaving you

Trapped and destined

Within the effects of your own

Mindfield

Still it is our unity

That I seek

As I continue my journey

Towards you and me

As all of your

Heart, body and soul

Give me every last

High yield explosive ordinance

To stop us from being close

And deep

Relationship applicably

From the chocolatezeus collection  9/15/17  ©

Poetic Inspiration: Reinvigorated Energy Coupling

Reinvigorated Energy Coupling

Most cannot grasp or understand

The deep rooted meaning and power of

Connection

Or they fight it for all that they are worth

Making denial their best friend

But when you know it and feel it

It makes all things

Relevant

Incredible

And powerful

When I felt it again

After years of one way dead ends

I was taken aback

Caught with my mouth open

Did I just feel this deep connection?

With someone that I don’t know

Is it one of those miracle situations

Where something might grow

Through moments of

Anger, stress, disbelief and despair

We gravitated like polarized black holes

Expanding

Exploring

Growing

All of this

From and in

Two unknowns

Moving on the path of becoming

Known

I felt it again

That unexplainable

Push and pull

That makes things exceptional

Transcending

Moments of misunderstanding

Sensitive posturing

Full blown representatives

We ended up

Just being ourselves

In Dynamic fashion

in those moments

where something intricate and intimate

formed and created

something stronger than

attempts at being together and other relationships

the energy just flows

feeds me abundantly

As I look forward to

Each exchange

Telephone and messaging conversation

She feeds me

Heartily and delicacies

Makes my hunger increase

As she gives me

Passion

Intimacy

Communication

Comfort and peace

I am ecstatic

Thankful and reverent

Someone that understands and represents

What a connection is

From the chocolatezeus collection  9/8/17  ©

Poetic Message: Where I Want to Be

Through all the things. For me connection is and always will be the key. Even when there is nothing being shown. When times are good and bad. That connection is what is there to give credence to what you are and mean to me.

So the ink spilled. Hoping you understand. you feel something...

Where I Want to Be

I cannot remember
The last time
I looked into your eyes
Even longer
The last time I saw that
Captivating smile
 Still
Even in this distance
 I see
I feel
The pain and discord
The difference between universes
 The answers
I do not know
Even the cause
Remains my unkown
 Sending you
 My love
My passion
Support and caring
 Through this cold unknown
 As I reach to
Wipe away tears
I cannot see
 Hold you tight
In a hug
That I don’t know will help
Anything
 Just saying
Baby, baby
I here for you
Your hurt is hurting me
 Let us share
Make it through this together
 To reach
The other side of this
Deep blue sea
Away from these dark clouds of
Imprisonment
 Just take my hand
Over here in the darkness
By your side
Is where I am
Remain
Continue to be
   From the chocolatezeus collection   9/5/17  ©

The Killing Joke

Time has been filled with helping others. With being there for others. With supporting others.

The funny thing it is not with those I actually need my connection to be and strengthened with.

I have no problem and I am glad to be of help to others. To help them through trying time. But what does it say that the persons that I am supposed to be connected to are not in that pool of people?

Things have come to a point where there is merely the emotionless and unfeeling aspects of things. Because what I deemed important was only important to myself. Tough loss. But I understand that ramifications and realize the actions that have had to be taken.

So closed off. Devoid. Have become the things that were asked for of me. And I have given them. Letting all things be reduced to the compartments that were asked to be created.

I laugh. Hysterically even.  For the brightness that burnt the universe has been caged. Put into the pit of nothingness. Imprisoned.

Mr Wolf. Chocolatezeus. Casket sharp as they say. As I look in reverence and remembrance.


Laughing


THE JOKE IS ON ME!!

Poetic Inflection: The Moment of When?

The Moment of When?

When there are no longer

Words

Thoughts

Feelings

When

The void

Emptiness

Blue rondu

Become your

Existence

What do you?

Do you?

Is there?

Will there?

Was there?

Anything

Echo

Any thing?

From the chocolatezeus collection  9/4/17  ©

My Needs Meaning vs

So after a discussion the light bulb went off. Finally actually realized why I disconnected everything when it comes to my needs and needing someone. Because for me when I have said that I need red or babygirl it was meant as a permanent thing in my life and so forth. But for them and other need is only about things they actually needed like air and food and whatever strictly for themselves.

Funny how it just became clear today after the conversation. But better late than never. And now there is more to place in proper protocols, compartments and applications.

Need vs. Need

Like a strobe light

The lightbulb went off

Meaning

Definition

Modern day reveal

Need

Needing

Something that I thought

Felt so deeply

That It became a part of me

I said the words

Meant every letter of it

A fiery passion behind

It’s meaning to me

Lost upon a funeral pyre

For once there was another that

Agreed and understood

The meaning in the same way

So many times

Words and meaning

Non congruent, disparaging entities

When I say

I need you

When I allow those words to be

Expressed

It holds a reverence

Core belief and connection with me

Very rarely if at all will I say it

No wonder

The once or twice I have said it

It has fallen upon

Deaf ears and hearts

Just something

Another thing

That only has this meaning

For me

And only

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  9/4/17  ©

Poet Ink Spill: Efforts of the Effortless

Efforts of the Effortless

Convicted to their thoughts

Alleged feelings

Disillusioned

Words spill

Without reinforcement

Without substance

I

Like

Love

Care

Interject you

Here

An emotional

Slight of hand

Empty meanings

Still

They swear truth

Allegiance

With each breath

As I watch

Actions showing

Absolutely the polar opposite

That

Importance

Interest

Are only relative aspects

To when

They feel the need

Desire another toy to play with

When there it is time for

Something different

Equally unimportant

Just a matter of

Schizophrenic

Desired timing

Oh yes

I hear you

Your love

Your caring

Alleged to be special

When your actions

Show the truth in it all

The effort of

Priceless

Ambiguity

Commonality

So just another

Way to get your

Moody fix

From the chocolatezeus collection  9/2/17  ©

Feeling This

A Poetry Moment: A Heart With No Home

A Heart With No Home

Heart beats

Have left me

Bloodless and empty

Constant staunch reminders of

What could of

Should of

Would of

Love’s

Cardiac arrest

With no defibrillation

That could bring it back

Love is me

I am love

So why is it denied to me?

Looking back at

Love’s bonfire

As love kissed the sky

Remembering

When the heart beat like a

So So Def bass beat

When there was

Purpose

Meaning

A reason

For love to spit fire

Like a beast

Looking at the close door now

The cold fusion of

Anti-everything

No longer

Unable to even say

Rest in peace

Love

The heart

Soul

Remains

Deceased

From the chocolatezeus collection   9/1/17  ©