Sometimes I have to wonder what is the purpose of relationships. In this day and age it seems like it is a total waste. Females have no clue how to be a woman. Lost in past relationships. Damaged goods.Caught in a tornado of evil intent and distance. But screaming I want a relationship while killing anyone that genuinely approaches them.
Lately I have reflected. Thought about past, future and present. I have been happily married and I am so thankful for that. Hated coming back to dating. Realizing the dating scene is like being locked up and repeatedly murdered. Meeting females that are disconnected and crazy. The adventures and stories are of epic proportions. Females are confusing. And modern females are beyond confusing. They are contwisticated.
With that said I have adapted and learned to compartmentalize things. Regardless of being a loving, caring romantic I have to adjust to the times of females that want to be males. Trying to stay out of the quagmire of their confusion is like running from the Minotaur in the labyrinth. But it is the only way to stay semi sane.
Getting ready for Black Beat. My first time being around this many people in the bdsm lifestyle. This should be interesting and educational. The energy at the conference should be bananas. Plus it's time to let more of my sadistic side out. Especially since it seems that Red is for real about hurt and pain. I have always reigned in the amount of pain inflicted because of fear it will be too much. But it is time. And with everything going on and inside of me I need it.
I would rather be in a relationship. But it doesn't seem like that is a possibility. Plus wanting to have bdsm household and relationship has been a mythological reach in all this. Have I given up? Not completely. Just no longer actively trying.
I need to finish up this packing and get to moving.
Next stop the baltimore area. I am already strapped.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Quagmire of Intricacy
One of my favorite books is Eric Van Lustbader's Ninja. The story of an occidental gaijin in japan. The son of a prominent veteran of World War II. It shows his journey and submersion into Japanese culture. Specifically ninjitsu.
I grasp an understanding and kinship to this book because of the clash of cultures and experiences mentally.
Having grown up around the world. I have seen and experienced things that most citizens of this country could never truly understand. The thought that the world revolves around Americans is diminished drastically with travel abroad.
From Cinderfellow experiences to outcast relevance. My journey has brought me down a road where there are no roads. Disconnected from the normalcy that others went through. I have forged my way through the lava and brimstone to arrive at this point. Brandishing a badge of defiance and indifference.
Relationships hold important to me. Yet, their number remains very small for pure quality. That general aspect of look out for and help everyone and everything completely....died within me a long time ago. That is why the oldest friend has said she misses the old me. As I look at her distantly, now that she has fallen from the best friend mantle piece. This thing called relations has a different hierarchy to me. All of it makes me stand out because I haven't traveled the same path or hold the same thoughts as everyone else.
Understanding and accepting the difficulties and aspect of being me unflinching. It has strengthened me. To the point where I am contradictory to mass thoughts and beliefs.
Still all the things that makes them gawk in disbelief. Make me a stronger being.
I grasp an understanding and kinship to this book because of the clash of cultures and experiences mentally.
Having grown up around the world. I have seen and experienced things that most citizens of this country could never truly understand. The thought that the world revolves around Americans is diminished drastically with travel abroad.
From Cinderfellow experiences to outcast relevance. My journey has brought me down a road where there are no roads. Disconnected from the normalcy that others went through. I have forged my way through the lava and brimstone to arrive at this point. Brandishing a badge of defiance and indifference.
Relationships hold important to me. Yet, their number remains very small for pure quality. That general aspect of look out for and help everyone and everything completely....died within me a long time ago. That is why the oldest friend has said she misses the old me. As I look at her distantly, now that she has fallen from the best friend mantle piece. This thing called relations has a different hierarchy to me. All of it makes me stand out because I haven't traveled the same path or hold the same thoughts as everyone else.
Understanding and accepting the difficulties and aspect of being me unflinching. It has strengthened me. To the point where I am contradictory to mass thoughts and beliefs.
Still all the things that makes them gawk in disbelief. Make me a stronger being.
Can't Lead a Horse to Water and Make It Drink
If you are someone I care about I am with you through the good and the bad. We can and will walk together.
But when you offer your ear, support and all but they still won't take it. Then there is nothing that you can do. You are merely a spectator then.
I feel sorry for lil green. I do. But I don't have any other options but watch and leave it alone. I would gladly help her with anything that she needs. Love means standing by no matter what. But it doesn't change the pain and sorrow of watching this stuff happen. I am just having a hard time understanding why can't you let go of the people that are bringing you down, restricting you and causing you pain. Change is hard and chaotic but it is a necessary proponent of moving on.
I want to start my poly house. But, the difficult of relationships period these days really make it a far fetched ideology at this point. I found the two women that I feel are excellent candidates for the relationship. We get along together. Have some of the same interests, commonality and sexual delights. I have loved lil green for many years. Our time has been great, bonding and priceless. She has opened the door and eyes to things. While meeting lil red has brought up a bond that can fit as snug as a glove. Both combined can be the nova of relationships. Exactly what I need and want. The issues are the focus, knowing what is wanted and the commitment. If these things can be overcame then as close to perfection as possible is achieved. I can give myself to this D/s/s relationship. So we are at a crossroads. I honestly have come to a halt and left it to whatever happens is whatever happens at this point. I can envision, guide and support but that is about it.
I am ready to attend Black Beat for the first time. To be around like minded people and enjoy the experience. Learn and observe different techniques. My first event of this size and magnitude. So this will be one for the books definitely. So, come wednesday baltimore here we come!
But when you offer your ear, support and all but they still won't take it. Then there is nothing that you can do. You are merely a spectator then.
I feel sorry for lil green. I do. But I don't have any other options but watch and leave it alone. I would gladly help her with anything that she needs. Love means standing by no matter what. But it doesn't change the pain and sorrow of watching this stuff happen. I am just having a hard time understanding why can't you let go of the people that are bringing you down, restricting you and causing you pain. Change is hard and chaotic but it is a necessary proponent of moving on.
I want to start my poly house. But, the difficult of relationships period these days really make it a far fetched ideology at this point. I found the two women that I feel are excellent candidates for the relationship. We get along together. Have some of the same interests, commonality and sexual delights. I have loved lil green for many years. Our time has been great, bonding and priceless. She has opened the door and eyes to things. While meeting lil red has brought up a bond that can fit as snug as a glove. Both combined can be the nova of relationships. Exactly what I need and want. The issues are the focus, knowing what is wanted and the commitment. If these things can be overcame then as close to perfection as possible is achieved. I can give myself to this D/s/s relationship. So we are at a crossroads. I honestly have come to a halt and left it to whatever happens is whatever happens at this point. I can envision, guide and support but that is about it.
I am ready to attend Black Beat for the first time. To be around like minded people and enjoy the experience. Learn and observe different techniques. My first event of this size and magnitude. So this will be one for the books definitely. So, come wednesday baltimore here we come!
Monday, July 21, 2014
YCMB...Young Crazy Monkey Bitch
The chick that I talked to. As we talked about being together and getting married and having a family. We use to talk daily and want each other deeply.
Kept saying that people and her family said she was crazy. Believe a monkey bitch when they say things like that. She sure was.
From communicating daily to excuses of I have been busy and hearing from her ass sporadically. But yet she posting on facebook all day long. Wanting to call one time, once in a while to start out "but baby".
But after all the attempts I made to see her and everything. She says she wants to meet on the 4th because she is driving her girl to Columbia, SC. And then to get a week before and she tells me she is coming and bringing the fucking kids she babysits. Get the fuck out of here bitch.
Cute and sexy but another dumb monkey bitch. I guess age is a factor when you are just dumb!
I have to laugh at her dumb ass posting questions about communicating, relationships and people lying and being fake. Her bitch ass is the epitome of all of those plus.
Kept saying that people and her family said she was crazy. Believe a monkey bitch when they say things like that. She sure was.
From communicating daily to excuses of I have been busy and hearing from her ass sporadically. But yet she posting on facebook all day long. Wanting to call one time, once in a while to start out "but baby".
But after all the attempts I made to see her and everything. She says she wants to meet on the 4th because she is driving her girl to Columbia, SC. And then to get a week before and she tells me she is coming and bringing the fucking kids she babysits. Get the fuck out of here bitch.
Cute and sexy but another dumb monkey bitch. I guess age is a factor when you are just dumb!
I have to laugh at her dumb ass posting questions about communicating, relationships and people lying and being fake. Her bitch ass is the epitome of all of those plus.
Revelations...Dynamics in Realization
I sometimes wonder the reasoning behind the relations between beings. Especially this gender thing. Females wanting to be, think and feel like males. And males that have no clue about being a man.
Age matters not. *In my Yoda voice*
For regardless of being young or older. They remain, really fucked up!
The standard of individuality has fallen to commonality and follow the leader mentality.
The status of relationships and marriage has definitely died some decades ago.
Emerald and her life have me concerned beyond all recognition. But you can't carry a horse to water and make it drink. No matter how much I love and care for her. She is going to choose how she does and won't do things. Sad but simply the facts. I am going to have a sit down talk to her but that will be that.
I fell for Lil Red. She had the things that I am attracted to and want. The uniqueness. Ability to laugh and understand things. Enjoyment of sci fi and cartoons. Plus sex was great! I guess all I can say is *it is what it is* and move on.
The realization of these lessons learned, especially this year. I hold no hope for much other the desolation of existence.
What is love? It is that true feeling and understanding that was killed by the humans long ago.
As feelings, emotions and love become guarded like nukes. It is time to let loose with the anger and hatred that is asked for.
Age matters not. *In my Yoda voice*
For regardless of being young or older. They remain, really fucked up!
The standard of individuality has fallen to commonality and follow the leader mentality.
The status of relationships and marriage has definitely died some decades ago.
Emerald and her life have me concerned beyond all recognition. But you can't carry a horse to water and make it drink. No matter how much I love and care for her. She is going to choose how she does and won't do things. Sad but simply the facts. I am going to have a sit down talk to her but that will be that.
I fell for Lil Red. She had the things that I am attracted to and want. The uniqueness. Ability to laugh and understand things. Enjoyment of sci fi and cartoons. Plus sex was great! I guess all I can say is *it is what it is* and move on.
The realization of these lessons learned, especially this year. I hold no hope for much other the desolation of existence.
What is love? It is that true feeling and understanding that was killed by the humans long ago.
As feelings, emotions and love become guarded like nukes. It is time to let loose with the anger and hatred that is asked for.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Red and Chocolate
Who would have thought this combination would ever happen. For the longest I have been at odds with the dust sisters (delta sigma theta). Now I have a friend that is one and a romantic interest. Oh, how life throws you curve balls. The conflict has gone on for almost two decades now.
After our adventures in Atlanta, I had to see Red again. The time spent definitely didn't disappoint at all. I flew into Indy and took a cab to the hotel. Embassy suites is a nice hotel to frequent even though they are pricey. But you get good service and a great breakfast.
The room had a conference table which we happily used for our needs. She is a sexy something as I got to see again. We got something to eat at firehouse subs and then came back to the room and relaxed. Just talking and laughing as we have communicating online and on the phone.
Gem and I had spoke about what possibilities may occur with Red but no need to put eggs in that basket at all until something is concrete. Even about us being in a poly relationship. Which would be outstanding for me. I would get to have two women that can handle me being greedy and my quirks. They both have high sex drives and wonderful submissive personalities. Red is into the 50s sub style and Em is a total submissive. Add to that our ability to communicate and enjoy each other. Talk about the things that others have issues with. And the love of cartoons is a serious compatibility.
We had some great sex. I ate and fucked her on the conference table in the room. We video taped us in the bed going at it. I am still mad that I didn't video tape us on the conference room table. The video came out well. I am just mad I haven't been able to download the first part her camera took.
I had a great trip to Indy. Red made it exceptional. I wanted and needed more but she needed to go be a good daughter so I didn't get a chance to see her before I left after Wednesday morning.
The Red and Chocolate show was definitely UNFORGETTABLE!!!
After our adventures in Atlanta, I had to see Red again. The time spent definitely didn't disappoint at all. I flew into Indy and took a cab to the hotel. Embassy suites is a nice hotel to frequent even though they are pricey. But you get good service and a great breakfast.
The room had a conference table which we happily used for our needs. She is a sexy something as I got to see again. We got something to eat at firehouse subs and then came back to the room and relaxed. Just talking and laughing as we have communicating online and on the phone.
Gem and I had spoke about what possibilities may occur with Red but no need to put eggs in that basket at all until something is concrete. Even about us being in a poly relationship. Which would be outstanding for me. I would get to have two women that can handle me being greedy and my quirks. They both have high sex drives and wonderful submissive personalities. Red is into the 50s sub style and Em is a total submissive. Add to that our ability to communicate and enjoy each other. Talk about the things that others have issues with. And the love of cartoons is a serious compatibility.
We had some great sex. I ate and fucked her on the conference table in the room. We video taped us in the bed going at it. I am still mad that I didn't video tape us on the conference room table. The video came out well. I am just mad I haven't been able to download the first part her camera took.
I had a great trip to Indy. Red made it exceptional. I wanted and needed more but she needed to go be a good daughter so I didn't get a chance to see her before I left after Wednesday morning.
The Red and Chocolate show was definitely UNFORGETTABLE!!!
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Entrance Into a New Era
There has been so much that has occured since my wife died. Much of it has become a how-to in what not to do.
The dating disasters. As much as I hated dating before getting married. It is at an all new level after getting married.
Learned that the Demon had blatantly treated my wife wrong at that one party we went to. Plus that she is a chronic liar and nothing she says can be believed. Along with the episode where I found out she loved me and wanted me to be with her and was angry because I had the twin monkey bitch with me during mrs c's funeral weekend. Funny how the person that needs to be the center of the universe responds when they realize they are not.
I have come through and below the pits of hell in this journey. So much has happened that bewilderment would be an understatement.
The dating disasters. As much as I hated dating before getting married. It is at an all new level after getting married.
- The 6 ft 2 charleston monkey. Who whined multiple times daily while we were in Jamaica for my birthday.
- The schizophrenic/bipolar twin monkey from raeford. Who was a total drunk. Gold digger with delusions of grandeur.
- The psycho red springs monkey bitch. Who couldn't even come up with a reason that she needed to break up. But wanting to see if it work out if she changes her mind in two weeks.
- The big booty norfolk chick. She stopped talking. I guess she realized I am not the one to be changed.
- The infamous milwaukee trip where the confused monkey bitch couldn't spend time with me all of a sudden because the baby daddy that never spent time with their child all of a sudden shows up. But I am not supposed to feel any kind of way about it. Especially since I wasted time and money to spend time with the monkey.
Learned that the Demon had blatantly treated my wife wrong at that one party we went to. Plus that she is a chronic liar and nothing she says can be believed. Along with the episode where I found out she loved me and wanted me to be with her and was angry because I had the twin monkey bitch with me during mrs c's funeral weekend. Funny how the person that needs to be the center of the universe responds when they realize they are not.
I have come through and below the pits of hell in this journey. So much has happened that bewilderment would be an understatement.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Your Crippled Loving
Told me you loved me
claimed you wanted to be with me
somewhere crossed wires
led to electricution
alleged engagement ring
claims of betraying them
arrive at
distrust
loveless fuss
my heart
still open wide
until
the shit piled too high
verbal attacks
spanish inquisition
questioning
while listening to
stories of who she
is with
realizing
all the things that
she let all them
get away with
but want to be mad
distraught with me
when I was the one
that even gave a damn
about the ignorance
final straw
you don't want to work on us
or give us a chance
door closed
won't fight you
since your heart is apparently
closed
your past is what
who you choose to
love and hold
behold
alone
marriage to yourself
relationship greatness
angered frustration
all to yourself
your choice
priceless
from the chocolatezeus collection 1/19/13 (c)
claimed you wanted to be with me
somewhere crossed wires
led to electricution
alleged engagement ring
claims of betraying them
arrive at
distrust
loveless fuss
my heart
still open wide
until
the shit piled too high
verbal attacks
spanish inquisition
questioning
while listening to
stories of who she
is with
realizing
all the things that
she let all them
get away with
but want to be mad
distraught with me
when I was the one
that even gave a damn
about the ignorance
final straw
you don't want to work on us
or give us a chance
door closed
won't fight you
since your heart is apparently
closed
your past is what
who you choose to
love and hold
behold
alone
marriage to yourself
relationship greatness
angered frustration
all to yourself
your choice
priceless
Females Vs Women
Its an epidemic.
females thinking they are
women
who told them
gave them false hopes
unable to comprehend
be real
gain esteem
of their
mother fucking self
dynamically stupid
heartless sycophants
delving in their own
self destruction
claiming
independence
strength
reality
when they look in the mirror
hating
disbelieving
reveling in the lies
they keep
woman
yeah right
please
your a child
in a woman's body
unable to accept
your not ready
from the Chocolatezeus collection 1/19/13 (c)
females thinking they are
women
who told them
gave them false hopes
unable to comprehend
be real
gain esteem
of their
mother fucking self
dynamically stupid
heartless sycophants
delving in their own
self destruction
claiming
independence
strength
reality
when they look in the mirror
hating
disbelieving
reveling in the lies
they keep
woman
yeah right
please
your a child
in a woman's body
unable to accept
your not ready
from the Chocolatezeus collection 1/19/13 (c)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Why Why Why
Why do women i know have to be so damn thick and sexy?
Dammit I want to just do them in and make them squirt all over the place.
Fracking torture. lol
I am just saying
Dammit I want to just do them in and make them squirt all over the place.
Fracking torture. lol
Monday, January 03, 2011
A New Year...Chaos Continues
Year ended
they say it's
time for a new beginning
I merely state the obvious
Change was already happening
what are your new years resolutions
None
for I am already deep in
Revolution
Those that rode with me
care and loved me
without selfish ignorance
remain true with me
I remain to do
Anything
while the apathetic
alleged friends and lovers
to me
taste my Ignoring ability
its all about ME
and those close to me
the circle is small
and closing tighter I see
standing here
World War Hulk
my current temperment
pay back is a bitch
and I don't forget
as people stay on the list
the chaos continues
beginning in a new instance
for change makes me
Better than
So bring it on
Hate me then
You can't understand
or believe in me
A Real Man
slapping the needy
with Reality
I said
Live
Let
the Chaos
Continue to be
from the chocolatezeus collection 1/3/11
they say it's
time for a new beginning
I merely state the obvious
Change was already happening
what are your new years resolutions
None
for I am already deep in
Revolution
Those that rode with me
care and loved me
without selfish ignorance
remain true with me
I remain to do
Anything
while the apathetic
alleged friends and lovers
to me
taste my Ignoring ability
its all about ME
and those close to me
the circle is small
and closing tighter I see
standing here
World War Hulk
my current temperment
pay back is a bitch
and I don't forget
as people stay on the list
the chaos continues
beginning in a new instance
for change makes me
Better than
So bring it on
Hate me then
You can't understand
or believe in me
A Real Man
slapping the needy
with Reality
I said
Live
Let
the Chaos
Continue to be
from the chocolatezeus collection 1/3/11
Saturday, November 20, 2010
You Gotta Get Away
Funny
how the truth
Explodes brightly
your way
or your gone today
your way
or you run away
Love for you
is only when it is
Completely your way
without any deviation
Your expectations
to hell with anything else
only your twisted heart and soul
dedication to self
self
selfish
nothingness
no wonder you are
there in a quagmire of
whatever
Can't be a girlfriend
a wife
or anything else
when you always
have to
fight and
deny
true
feelings
and self
Keep on running
eventually you will
see you still running
from yourself
LMAO
from the chocolatezeus collection (c)
how the truth
Explodes brightly
your way
or your gone today
your way
or you run away
Love for you
is only when it is
Completely your way
without any deviation
Your expectations
to hell with anything else
only your twisted heart and soul
dedication to self
self
selfish
nothingness
no wonder you are
there in a quagmire of
whatever
Can't be a girlfriend
a wife
or anything else
when you always
have to
fight and
deny
true
feelings
and self
Keep on running
eventually you will
see you still running
from yourself
LMAO
from the chocolatezeus collection (c)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Your Way...The Retarded Way
You tell me so much
claim to speak your heart
your soul cold and dark
that's right
I see right through you
your mad
upset that
you can't control me
tell me what you want me to do
destined to fail
you failed the moment
you thought you could
change me
loved you
inspite of you
because of you
without you
with your man
your husband
even alone
still you couldn't
grasp the strength of
purpose I brought
mad because
you didn't act
wouldn't act
sat back
now you look back
curse me
for I opened you
your heart and soul
mine alone
hatred welled up inside you
because you waited too long
a waste
naw
just doing it
your
retarded
way
from the chocolatezeus collection (c)
claim to speak your heart
your soul cold and dark
that's right
I see right through you
your mad
upset that
you can't control me
tell me what you want me to do
destined to fail
you failed the moment
you thought you could
change me
loved you
inspite of you
because of you
without you
with your man
your husband
even alone
still you couldn't
grasp the strength of
purpose I brought
mad because
you didn't act
wouldn't act
sat back
now you look back
curse me
for I opened you
your heart and soul
mine alone
hatred welled up inside you
because you waited too long
a waste
naw
just doing it
your
retarded
way
from the chocolatezeus collection (c)
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