A Never Ending Journey

In life and this thing called bdsm there is always something going on. Something to Lear, adapt over come.  When you involve other people you have to deal with their past, present and future. Not to mention their personality, experiences, feelings and mentality. Sometimes it is like walking through an unexploded minefield and other times a stroll with less obstacles. Either way the adventure is worth it.

I have made plenty of mistakes in choices and understanding .   Some more lasting than others. I stick with being direct to lessen interpretation and misunderstanding. But that creates issues upon issue apparently.

I am just me and that is who I will always be. Kind and caring to those I dee worthy and distant to others.

My bdsm journey is still relevantly new so there has been a lot done in correctly. But I see now choices in who, what and how that will have to be different from this point on. Only experience has lender my understanding in this.

So I will help where and how I can. Whether it is helping pebbles begin her journey or words to a stranger.  I have been and seen the errors and will gladly steer others from that path  they choose.

In the same token helping and. Accepting help are not givens. Even when asked for my opinion or view. Like General Akbar said "it's a trap.""

So I will continue to stand tall. Carry the weight of the universe upon my being and not waiver in my duties.

Even being public enemy number one, the one you can't stand or the chauvinist to keep others from failing.

Here and Whenever You Come Back Again

Each moment
A tell tale saga
Each interaction
Revealing knowledge

Far from my original plan
Valuable lessons learned
Misalignment of wills

So I stand
Rooted in the arrangement
That was agreed upon

Knowing
Next time none of this will happen

Experience is key
Differentiating
Between what is and what is supposed to be

Eye opening


From the chocolatezeus05 collection. 7/11/17. ©

Poetic Expression: The Struggle is Not Real

The Struggle is Not Real

I am not your knight in shining armor

I am not even your friend

I am the hypothesis that you can’t understand

The when hell freezes over answer

The ambiguity that holds you captive

As the world spins

I am the desctructo disk

Severing it in halves again and again

A heart beat

That is colder than nitrogen

That makes you wonder if

It is even there or beating

The things that you

You can’t

Won’t

And are afraid to

Accept and understand

The anomaly

In your heart, soul and loving

I just

Am

From the chocolatezeus collection  7/7/17  ©

Arrival Celebration Aftermath

So the week of my arrival and being found between missile silos here in the U.S. has gone. I made it through it all somehow apparently.

Still fighting pneumonia I think. Or I have been in a few battle royals. Still clueless how the broken rib happened. But nothing can stop the Juggernaut bitch!

The week was quiet and I smoked some great cigars. Took time to be super alone and delve even deeper than before. Silence and alone have increased.

Saturday I supported. I quietly supported and gave back up. Then had lunch, watched and laughed at Despicable Me 3 (hilarious) and went to the Mad Hatter and had a slice of strawberry shortcake. I hadn't had a slice since my birthday in 2010 when Chocolate Doll bought me one for my birthday. And damn it was good just like it was back then. Even with it being near that duke university place.

Trying to help who you date or is your submissive is difficult when they are mentally fighting it or unable to accept it. So many times I want to fix things or just tell them if you do this then things will be better but can't. They will have to learn the hard way themselves so they can learn. It is a balance on a katana's edge.

It takes hard work, or no work at all to maintain a relation, relationship or dynamic. You have to choose what is appropriate to the situations. And if it is worth it.

I am ready to take the next trip. Time to get and stay busy to feed me and fill the voids.

Evil remains.
Chocolatezeus intensified.
Havoc personified.


Till the next time...

Warhammer 45k: The day after the Birthday

The day after all these thousands of years existing.  I wasn't partying having threesomes while smoking cigars and shooting Barrett .50 cals. Well, at least not this time or again yet. lol

I spent my time alone in contemplation. Even when I stopped by the shop to have my birthday cigar and communicating with everyone wishing me happy birthday. 

Things were missed. 

Moments were reflected on.

Appreciated some things.

Decisions were made. 

After finding out I had a broken rib and confirming my thought about having pneumonia again last weekend. I have been recovering while handling everything that is going on. 

The Man.

The Dominant.

The Entity.

Have all taken a beating in this tour of duty. But the MONSTAR just won't stop!

I smoked a Plascencia Arturo Fuerte and was surprised at the Davidoff Escurio cigar Steve got for my birthday since it was a fuller flavor and strength instead of their usual light as air flavor and strength. 

Came to the house and pull up to have a white kid run into my yard talking about Mr help me they pulled a gun out on me and my friend. Now I remember seeing the white boy and a black kid on bikes when I was getting the mail. And that something was said by passengers in a suv before it seemed like the suv tried to back over the kids. But I figured it was some playing around. That wasn't the case. So I had to change my mindset to a shooting one. Meaning inventorying who is on the street and the likelihood of bullets going through houses and killing others. But apparently those in the suv realized it was not in the best interest to drive off. So i called the cops to handle the boy and the situation. it made me think about how things have become with people, society and the government. There are normally not a bunch of issues in the neighborhood but things are only getting worse each day everywhere. The big black man in the corner house would have been the issue and not kids riding around threatening and shooting would have been the headline if it had gone different. But that is why I contacted my people on the police force and swat as well.  But hey, I did my good deed.

The rest of the evening was back to quiet and thanking everyone for their birthday wishes, gifts and all. 

The number definitely made me think about what it was representing from my past. Hey, I am still beating black man and alien life expectations by leaps and bounds!

Back to the gauntlet. Have a good one. 

Origins: Mr Wolf and harley

If you know about Mr J aka the Joker and harley then you already get some of the similarity minus the personal twists. But this is a peek into me and lil red after all these years.

We are two very opposites in pretty much every damn thing except for a few things. So it is oddity and insanity joined together in a very different and unique experience.

These are the parts that I love and enjoy the most:

Mr Wolf

Part Joker, Dexter and Mr Wolf (Pulp Fiction as well as the Big Bad Wolf) rolled up in one. Giving large appetite, insanely different, over thinking sadistic adventure and pleasure.

harley

The intelligent, sexy, uninhibited beast that Mr Wolf has this in depth, destructive, soul breaking relation with. To be the recipient of Mr Wolf's whims, delights and terror. The broken puzzle that is perfectly placed.


Many have been confused by this because I am the chauvinist, Captain Caveman, Angry Black Man and she is the nice and wonderful, feminist people person.  I am direct, smash and punch you in the mouth while she is the politically correct person.

But when the moments allow there is the one place where we meet where everything else dissapears and we can embrace each other in a world of pain, degradation, humiliation and torture that is other worldly. This is one of the best places on or off earth. In those moments she can release all the shackles they tie her down and I can bring the Beast out of the tomb to play a little bit.

This is the thing that is shared exclusively and most reverently to me. For it is where the journey worked itself into being. Where logic met insanity and broke free shackles of adulting and allowed her to just be.

Poetry: Reclamation Era

Reclamation Era

Time’s hallowed tendrils

Probe and flay

As the sands of time

Present results

Display the

Decay

Have I been too lenient?

Too caring and concerned?

Have my attempts to not be fully me

Destroyed everything?

Gazing upon the tally

Pros versus cons

Statistical imbalances and absurdities

Is this merely

A faux pas?

A dream denied from the start

Here among

The tentacles

The tiger pits

Laid raw and bare

Is this crossroads or suicide squad?

Left with

The unanswered

Thoughts and questions

Is it worth it?

Will there ever be alignment?

Or is this all been part of a lifestyle’s cost?

To stay or go

Regardless a price will be paid

What more will it cost?

From the chocolatezeus collection  6/26/17  ©

When the Music Skips a Beat

I am back from a long and short weekend. I know you are scratching your head to that. The long was the travel part and waiting around and the short was the amount of time actually spent away.

The plan was to get down there and the Road Warriors ride out to Dallas. But transportation issues and 12 hours later that was a thought and concept in the rearview mirror. But it was meant to be obviously from all the things that transpired from that point on.

I was very appreciative of the folks that went out their way the weekend. Definitely was appreciated and had some great convo, laughter and everything.

There was major discussion with Ru's friend who I dubbed pebbles and fluffy. *she hated fluffy so that is why I used that more...hey, I am a sadist*  We discussed bdsm. Quite a bit of me trying to get her to understand the difference between Dominant and topping. Which since she is fully submissive from her up bringing is a challenge for her as she found out with the young boy that was there. He wanted her to dom him, collar him and he was going to be her dom and punish her with dick. He was obviously a victim of the 50 shades do it yourself bdsm kit. And she isn't sure about what she wants which is fine but starting out with someone that ultimately has no clue and is making things up as they go along with out seeking or gaining any knowledge is dangerous.

Add to that tigger's son got shot while he was in a corner store getting a bag of chips because two monkeys were arguing over a crack ho giving them head. So she has been hysterical about him almost dying.

Relations, Relationships and D/s

I love lil red and little one in their own unique ways because they are uniquely different. That weirdness is what attracts me to females for more than half a second. I talk about their achievements and how they are doing. As the old folks said, "their ears should be burning" sometimes. They are praised, appreciated and thanked.

Things are not easy. There are struggles and disagreements. Mistakes and miscommunication.  But for me it is important to sit down and work things out if it is important. To not let things just go into whatever. And I was listening to En Vogue "Don't let go." Apparently background music right on time.

This snippet spoke a whole lot:

There'll be some love makin', heart breakin', soul shakin' love

Love makin', heart breakin', soul shakin'...

What's it gonna be 'cuz I can't pretend

Don't you want to be more than friends

Hold me tight and don't let go

Don't let go

You have the right to lose control

Don't let go

It is that aspect of choosing to be and work together instead of just being disposable. It is dealing with the hurt and mistakes and learning so you go forward together stronger. Because I choose to care and give in to the connection that is felt I will do what I can to support, facilitate and make things happen. It makes me the bad guy plenty of times with red and little one but I will be that if it makes them stronger and everything. Establishing a zone for them to be themselves in is what I seek to enhance.

I choose you, to be with you and to stay with you because I see all the things that are wonderfully beautiful and unique. The things that make you stand out. Even when you question it all.

But my D/s has aspects of love in it unlike others. And that is only if the submissive can handle love and emotions or understand them. Even though I can be devoid of feeling and emotion as they can tell you I want those things in my relationships and dynamics.

So when it is said I don't know why you keep being with me because you are not getting exactly what you want and they are bothered and bewildered. The answer is because you are a work in progress and i see all that you are through your defenses, posturing and distance. I see and remain because of that and who you are.

I just don't let go of what I want, need and is important to me. You shouldn't either!

The week has started so party all the time or make the best of it. Either way do something different.

Poetic Expression: Fatherhood: A Dream Denied

Wishing the men a happy fathers day. Because it is not an easy road or task but it is worth it and forever lasting.

This is an expression of when you don't have that part in your life poetically.

Fatherhood: A Dream Denied

It seemed like a millennia ago

I was gung ho

Unable to hide the desire for

A child

Children of mine

To love and cherish

Raise and define

Into the most beautiful of masterpieces

That I could devise

Planning and preparations made

Even a schedule of when and how

Was formulated

But the unforeseen factors came

Claimed the dream and the reality

Even in the perfect situation

I felt parentally defamed

As denied

Was the only result

The constant that remained

Raising others children

As my own

Though incredible

But not the same

Adopt they said

You will always be the loving father

To children that you love and claim

I couldn’t because it wasn’t

The same

For me

It is those

Moments and feelings

From holding them when they are first born

To supporting them in their activities

Knowing that they are a part of me

That I helped mold them from the beginning

When the final chapter came

And there was the need for

The ultimate decision to be made

I made it

And decided unselfishly

I walked away

Leaving behind the dream

Knowing that it wasn’t my destiny

Whether it was fallacy

Or inevitability

Fatherhood was

Denied to me

From the chocolatezeus collection   6/18/17  ©

Poetic Expression: Unity

Unity

A man

A woman

Polar opposites

Together in public disbelief

Neither one of us

Ever meant to be

Yet

Here we are

Defying the odds

Fighting statistical

Inevitability

Unity

It where

You love me

I love you

No matter how weird you can be

As you accept and understand

I can only be me

Two unmovable objects

Met and created this

Unity

When you hurt

When your job, family and friends

Take you through everything

I  remain here

Stalwart and supporting

While you remain steadfast

Through my dark, evil apathy for others

Understanding the passion and being that is me

This is not a simple journey

We argue and disagree

But the power is in our ability

The ability to be there together

Joined in unity

So leave your hurt and pain with me

Curl up and release what you need

For our bond

Our connection

Is that haven from

All those things that seek to make you unhappy

Just you and me

Separate poles of the universe

Of we

As I ingest your smile

Taste your lips

Thanking God and life for you

Knowing all I want is

Our

Unity

From the chocolatezeus collection  6/18/17  ©

The Fatigue of Atlas

It has been rough and trying times. The year. This month. The last couple of weeks.

I am built and designed to withstand an awful lot but it is tiring and it is hard. There are times when I just want to say Fuck It All and scorch everything and everybody.

This time also reminds me how much I miss Chocolate Doll. It was good to have someone that always had your back. Comforted you (yes even Evil needs comfort.)  Able to communicate and want to be around you even when things are rough and it may be just a matter of silently being together or calling to talk. So many things that are dead and gone these days.

So, I took a break to regroup and breathe. To deal with things in the only ways left possible to me and solidify being to and by myself.

This walk as a black man, Dominant and being myself is the ultimate example of "Me Against the World."  But I will continue, hold my own, adapt and overcome.

Time to get some writing done and finish chilling until tomorrow.

Hope you had a good weekend and time. And happy fathers day to those that are fathers.

The Road to Perdition

I have to say none of this month went as planned or desired. Thankfully I adapt and move to the "just don't give a fuck mode" easily.

I am still laughing at jimmy c's partner josh that is big time at aflac showing me the pics of the aftermath of him slapping his girl or a girl he fucks ass. It was all nice and red since she was white. lol  So kink recognized kinky people I guess. It tickled me.

Things really have stepped into the deeper pits of hell.

Checking the attitude and mood shit going on.
The addressing of things not done, no focus and proper actions.

So yes my disposition is completely transfixed into Ares. But this is what they asked for and wanted apparently.  And the powers and everything will simply grow and expand even further.

Back to drinking.

Preparing for the next fucking episode.

Poetic Moment: For I Am De Void

For I Am De Void

The nothingness

Holds court within me

Judge

Jury

Executioner

There is no anger

No feeling

Merely the existence of

Other things

Actions and necessities

The full moon praises me

As the rage and apathy

Hold testament

Tabernacle of purity

As relevance’s

Fade into obscurity

Silent laughter increases

Internalized

Compartmentalized

Universal peace keeping

Crescendo

Culmination of me

The anti-hero

As the silence and distance

Give way to

Relevance and reverence

Empty tachyon pulses

Into the neutral zone

Purposely done to

Repel and dispel

Any substance

Like Doomsday

Encased in eternity

With purpose and duty

The silence reveals

Evidence steals moments that

Might was

Leaving things to be

Self-evident

To achieve the stage

Fully transformed

From the chocolatezeus collection  6/11/17  ©

Walking the Mile

Relations, relationships and even situationships.

These things require two or more people to decide to want to be involved and maintain whatever the situation is.

I will back them. Care for them and even love them.

But I found myself bending over backwards and putting up with things that I shouldn't have all for the sake of their happiness and desires. But the scale is nowhere near balanced.  But I don't require it to be always balanced but damn I need something. Due to my capitulation in listening to some stuff and trying things I became way too soft and lenient. And I paid for it.

So I have sat back and observed since the mess last year with the faux sub and everything that has jumped off.  I gave the space, time and more. Realized what was not a submissive and what qualified to them as dating, dynamics and all. I took inventory and notated.

The journey is not over. It has not been  a fairy tale and those that were at the beginning have and will choose their fate in accordance to the ending.

Outside of the Road Warriors the reality is that you are going to get what you get from others in their little caves and cubby holes.

Messages received and assimilated as I continue walking.


Hope you had a way better week than I did. Fuck, I know you did! lol