Six Years After

Six years ago yesterday at 1am my ChocolateDoll aka my wife was pronounced dead.

I did not do anything to honor it or celebrate it. I spent my time, completely alone around other people. I drank for some hours. Went to a meet and greet i said I was going to go to and came home and realized i hadn't eaten anything at about 11pm and had apple pie.

As much as I am an evil, asshole bastard.  But it truly is shocking to others that i don't have this disdain or horror stories for marriage.  I hear these horror stories all day from everyone and how they feel so negatively about those things. Hell, the girls have their experiences and versions of negative relations and effects.

I hate dating and all the versions of it. But when it came to my wife everything was right, felt right and was right.  Through the ups and downs there was love, support, connection and unity.  It personified what a loving and caring relationship and marriage should be like. I am thankful that. Love that I had that and miss it thoroughly.

In the same token because of that I have a higher standard than the masses when it comes to that deep of a relationship, commitment and love.

For someone to have those part of me fully that i had when I was married they have to be able to accept, understand, handle and bring all of themselves to the table!

There have been thoughts and comments about the idea that I compare and trying to find a replacement to my wife.  Well I am not. There is no one that will ever be her or be close enough to replace her. Nor would I set some chick up for failure that way either.

In the aftermath I still hate dating even though I have been doing it for 3 years now.  Because it is not all that it can and should be. But I also came to understand the modern female truly has been twisted into some gnarled root that they trip over into thinking and acting negatively when it comes to dating.  With that information I formulated my safeguards, parameters and estimated outcomes.

I have two girls that love me. I love them dearly and appreciate them. I know they love me how they can, the way that they can and to the best they are capable of right now. I don't push them or ask them to be or do more than they are capable of.  Even the idea of marrying lil red remains in place if she ever decided that was something of interest.

My evolution has been one of realizing limitations, societal stigmas and how I am the anti dating, relationship and love person.  I can give the girls all the love they can handle but I can't give them more than that because it will only end in negative outlooks for them. or anyone to be exact.

The way that little one and red are probably are ChocolateDoll's damn doing anyway. She would send me something like this to make me suffer. lol

As i listen to our theme music, browse pics of how it use to beand think about my relation with red and little one I laugh at the contrast. I am thankful for the learning. Glad that I quarintine and compartmentalize really, really well! lol

Damn you Adrienne!!!!!!
lol Love You ChocolateDoll

Poetry: Where Sensations Came to Die

Where Sensations Came to Die

With each tick of the clock

Emotions and feelings

Die

Crumbling

Cascading down the drain

Gone from half life

To full choke

Denial

A heart barely recognizable

Dark and cold

Standing bold within

The blood dripping

Remnants of life’s

Existence

The light dimmed

Then died

Embracing the black hole

Left in the wake

Apathy

Uncaged

Now

A different kind of

Feeling

Emotion even

Hysterical laughter

At the transmutation

Uncaged

Unfeeling

Unemotional

Living

I am

Here

From the chocolatezeus collection  4/4/17  ©

There and Back Again

As I sit here listening to E 40 and Too Short.

Amidst thinking, contemplation and analysis. *yeah the usual...lol* I have pondered, explored and made decisions.

As deeply as I love and give apathy in equal intensity. Because of attempts to be close to some people it has detrimental effects on them. Ie lil red and little one being submissives or Ru being my fellow Road Warrior.  The experiences from this year and Amsterdam made me really decide to stand on the rampart alone. That being a Dominant means I cannot say, share or express too much. And being a friend and someone's man I still have to measure what I give out. It makes me miss the days of being married and being able to talk openly and we dealt with whatever was felt without issues and all. But this is the modern age.

My focus has been on those I am close to having support, help with whatever and them being happy. It is part of the basic core of me basically. Thus it is something that will always be the case. I do take time for myself more than I use to but still not as much as I am repeatedly told I should.

Going to Amsterdam really showed me that the thing that was important was lil red and little one being happy and doing their thing. I have avoided being selfish most of the time. Not sure if that is from the situations or merely feeling.  I stepped back and compartmentalized things even more efficiently. I looked at their needs, wants and happiness and said ok let me see what I can do to facilitate that.  And yes, I have heard the protests from them about me being happy but my happiness is something that really doesn't equate well to theirs or anyone else's. My decision was to do what was required of me as Dominant and man that cared about them, Make sure to the best of my ability they are good and doing their own thing.

Can't hold onto things that are intangible and archaic anymore. Relations are what they are today. I chose and decided.

The good and evil have morphed into this darkness. Filled with emotion, feeling and thinking. Yet, everything has to remain within the vault of my existence.

As I cherish what I have had I place everything into their monoliths.



More later

Poetry: In the Distance

In the Distance
 

Closeness

Connectivity

A sliding scale of

De-evolutionary

Experience

Words expressed

Claiming

Desire

Need

Want

To come together

Be something other

Than one against each other

I snicker and laugh

At the charade

The obvious division

In what they say

Versus what they mean

They are comfortable where they are at

But they do not want it to seem

That they don’t want to be close

It is like a helicopter

Hovering 15 feet off the ground

High enough to jump

But high enough to

Get killed

In this kill zone

Is where relations lay

Where the minefields

Reside

It is my choice

To attempt to navigate

Get blown up

Or say no thank you

Distance

The necessary piece of

Relationships and dating

From the chocolatezeus collection   4/2/17 ©

Mr Wolf's Amsterdam Adventure...Life Unscripted

Man, I was lost when it was time to go down to the restaurant to eat and drink mimosas, only to realize I was back at the house. lol  And looking out my window now is depressing in comparison to the view from the hotel room overlooking the water, ships and city.



I haven't been back to Amsterdam since I was a young kid. And the experience was one to remember for a number of reasons. And I suggest you take a trip there if you haven't for the culture, sights and everything. Had some great food, went to some great museums and had some good quality time with lil red.

The Movenpick hotel was great. A great view and pleasant staff. And an enjoyable breakfast. And I do mean a great view from the 20th floor. Definitely made me mad I missed it 2 years previously.  The staff was courteous and helpful which always makes me happy. So yes, I suggest staying there if you are going!

Each day was an adventure in sight seeing, eating and quality time together. And I love quality time! We hit a number of museums. From my favorite torture museum to the van gogh, sex museum and the rijks dutch museum.  There was so much to enjoy and see and I took it all in. Hell, I never even thought to try the Belgium waffles there. lol  But I did have great calzone and burgers and stuff.

I was graced to see lil red in her completely submissive state. To see her free and how she wanted and needed to be was incredible. She was with her dom and they played as I worked on the computer and talked to people. But I saw how she was and it truly was dynamic.  I was glad that she got her fix. The submission that she needed.

Seeing her submissive and our talk afterward made me think and solidify things with my D/s and poly. I have my feelings and things but reality is that lil red and little one have to be happy and growing in their journey regardless. I fully support that even when they may disagree with it.  I saw the things and reason that had to be shared. The place where lil red was at peace and floating. And she floated for the rest of the trip on her high which I was very happy for her. She was in subspace and out of her head and thoughts where she floated free.  Exhilarating.

A trip that started out on a dark cloud note ended with a lot of learning for me along with great sight seeing and time spent in museums with lil red.

Hell, I ended up getting a tattoo that says Mr Wolf on top and harley underneath. My first tatt that related to someone that I was with. But it marked the memory of being in Amsterdam together as well as the connection of me as Mr Wolf and when lil red becomes harley.  We both were shocked at my choice in the shop but it was important to me and purposeful.

The airport on the way out was something else though. They had a runway closed and we waited on the tarmac before take off. And security was long and tedious since they had one entrance. And having to take out all electronics and wires was not a happy time for me either.

I embarked on a journey. To get my military brat, lust and adventure needs fed.  And that was mostly handled. And very memorable.

Along with learning and digesting even more about my D/s journey.  Decisions and analysis about having submissives and taking care of it all.  Putting everything in it's place to make things appropriate.

I am very thankful for the experience, understanding, enjoyment and adventure.

Just Me Against the World

The Black Man…Public Enemy Number One

With a life expectancy

Less than it should be

Imprisonment of

Mind

Body

And soul

For each day

Each breath he takes

They want

Need to lock him in

A hole

In a suit and tie

Or jeans and a t-shirt

Their thoughts and feelings

Revealed in their eyes

Not relegated only to

Whites or blacks

But some black females

Have gotten in on the act

With life expectancies

Less than a quarter

Roadblocks at every

Portal

So

Grip your purses

Hold tight to your disdain

Claim that you understand

No matter what

It remains

The hunted

Disenfranchised

Prisoner of war

Journey of a black man

From the chocolatezeus collection  3/28/17  ©

It is cute to think that the world is this more equal and better place but I am a black man in the modern day and I can tell you that things have not changed that much.

Even with education there is the need for society and others to keep their boot on the back of my neck as much as possible. 

Add to that the struggle, conflict and same type of responses from some black females only drives home the plight of being a black man even more. 

I am educated.

World traveled.

Diverse.

Skilled.

Articulate.

These traits make them cringe and cower in fear because I am not the hood black guy with the pants off his ass slinging drugs.  I am the man giving others instructions, while maintaining multi million dollar projects.  

When we as black men move beyond what they see us as being in our place it creates a need to destroy, wage war on us and cage us to make themselves feel better.  To maintain their class and economic system. 

But the problem is that you can't stop us from growing, evolving and achieving no matter how many roadblocks you set up. Some of us won't be the complacent, endentured servants that you seek to keep 

I am a black man. 

The one thing you hunt and fear so deeply that it makes you secure everything and anything of yours because you won't always keep us underneath..

Knowledge Is Power

This has been a very educational week. Filled with learning new things as well as reinforcing analysis that already were in place.

Amsterdam has been nice. I have had a chance to step back and look at things. To be out of the country and pay homage to my past.

Relations and dynamics became fully defined this week. Without a shadow of a doubt. When evidence is presented then there leaves no room for doubts.

I am in a prepared place now. One that was forecasted and I made ready.

This week's word for both of the girls is SHARED.

Learning has been the key and here I am.

Till then...enjoy.

Moment in Poetry: Avatar of Hell

Avatar of Hell

My blood pumps to the beat

Of a slim shady and Royce 5 9

Lyrical beast

But my heart and soul

Are not in the Fastlane

But in the dead end

Vicinity

As I spit

Venomous lava

From my very

Existence

Anger and hate

Lay in the corner

Whimpering

Unable to understand

Accept

Fathom even

I am something

Another thing

The epitaph of Death

Hela’s granddaddy

Wondering if

There are any

Feelings even left

I turn to

The right

The left

Welcoming

The emptiness

From the chocolatezeus collection  3/15/17  ©

Boba Fett at the Movenpick

Well, made it to Amsterdam yesterday.

I haven't been back to Europe since when I was in college and flew back to Germany to spend time with the parental units and their daughter.

The room has a great view of the city and where the cruise ship docks next door. Looking out the window definitely makes things better. It is a nice hotel. I would recommend it.

Flight was fine since the plane wasn't full. There was plenty of space to stretch out. And they gave you meals which seems foreign in these days of flights.

Besides the sights I saw on the way to the hotel. Plenty of architecture and everything to enjoy. Plus they are doing their elections today so this should be interesting.

Much is on my mind. The apparent modifications and need for more has been fully established. So, I have done quite a bit of writing already. Documenting and analyzing things to their fullest conclusion.

I see why the isolation has increased and dropped. Why I have remained steadfast on my rampart. From Ru to everyone it has been time to just observe now.

Definitely interesting.

Life Unscripted leaves things unbelievable.

The Power of Love

I have watched and observed the fear and hatred when it comes to love. Both by listening to others as well as what has been said and the actions of those I am involved with.  It is always something negative constantly or how it is the worst thing there is.

Those I am involved with have their disdain, disbelief and anti- love aspects based on their experiences, fears and lack of anything that close to someone because of trust, safety and other issues.

These aspects and more are why there is so much against love, dating, relationships, marriage and more. Because in this disposable, I don't want to be too close so i don't lose being by myself mentality of living, love is seen as a death sentence and weakness.

Here is the kicker.

I am evil and apathy. I am love.

These two things are what are my basis. What drives me and my existence The simple black or white situation. Being told that I don't do things in the gray area proves this.

What do I mean that I am both evil and love? The fiery, force and potency I am are based on these corner stones. It is why I am precise about my wants, needs and all. It is why I love with so much ferocity that it scares those that hate and feel that love is a weakness.  While my apathy and ability to excommunicate people that I was with and loved has equal strength.

This made me think about some songs and one popped up which had lyrics that really said what needed to be said to people. Luther Vandross' "power of love."  And we know I am not a big r&b person and especially stay away from love songs.  But here are the lyrics that I speak of.


Did you know that your feelings show
You thought your love was locked up inside
But when your senses start to overload
Love is something you should never hide

You've got to believe in love
It's a feeling that's next to none
Can't stop until we are one
With the power of love


I stopped fighting, hating and being scared of love a long time ago.  It was who I was and am. It is what makes me the chauvinist man that feminists love. As well as allowed me to have a great marriage unlike what so many others have gone through and avoided out of fear. Allowing me to giver fully, all of my heart from the moment I said I loved you.  To also not being your friend, speaking or interacting with you when you are done.

There is power in love, loving and being loved. And that is why people are in fear and loathing of it.

I Saw LOGAN...and I Liked It!

As I listen to the score from the movie it brings me back to last Thursday when I saw it.

Being the comic book snob that I am. I didn't go in with any expectations other than to see Wolverine one last time. Pretty much what I do with any movie that is based off of reading materials. Reading is really, really bad for you apparently! And we all know that sony especially has fucked up comic book characters in the movies.

There was no continuity of any timeline, cannon or none of that. So once again hollywood said no to those that read books and came up with a hodgepodge of things that they thought could sell to those that don't have a clue.

Hugh Jackman played Logan well. The old man that is in his twilight and ready to go. You can see the fatigue, the conclusion and everything in his acting. This is what truly linked you to the Old Man Logan comic story line. He brought Logan from the comic book pages to the screen. Maybe he channeled things from his life to pull this off or something. But he pulled it off.

There are a number of easter eggs throughout the movie. Some funny ones. And the Deadpool intro before the movie starts definitely makes you glad that you got there on time.

They truly used this movie as a jump off for introduction to new characters and movies. Some interesting ones like the new mutants and x force.

What was frustrating though was the ambiguity about what happened to all the mutants. I understand casting a hook out there but can we get a better hook?

And Professor X like you have never seen him before in this. lol Patrick Stewart definitely went out the box on this one  He must have channeled some Walter from Blunt Talk in there.

This is a must go see. And it is not about the action completely. And the action is rather good. But it is about the acting here more than the action. The expressions, tones and interaction is deep in this one.


Go enjoy and see for yourself.

Why Yes!! I Am Blunt Force Trauma

I have been watching the sunset on the dating thing. Watching it drift wherever the fuck they are taking it to. 

This is a by product of being direct and females hating love and unable to trust themselves or anyone else that is not doing exactly what they want. As Ru pointed out to me my blunt force trauma approach has an  equal and opposite reaction mostly. (helps weed out the weak immediately mostly)

I listened to Aaron Hall's "the truth" album. One of those rare occasions I listen to r&b. And this is one of the few albums I can listen to from beginning to end. 

He told females:

We can Do Anything

Open Up

Get A Little Freaky With Me

Pick Up the Phone

Don't Be Afraid

What happened Until I Found You

Some You Keep Me Crying

Following those up with:

Let's Make Love

I am here When You Need Me

How I Miss You

Until The End of Time

These songs speak volumes on how a relationship is supposed to be something those involved actually want. With the love, attention and all that is required. But in this day of disposable  and burger king style relations all of that is dead. 

The choices these days are wait around for the tides to shift each time, Nuke it all and say fuck it. Or play their games. 

Dating is bullshit! 

And that is why... It is what it is!

The guys at the cigar shop, Ru, little one and others have asked me about if I am excited about going to Amsterdam next week. And at one point I was. Now that has been seriously tempered. I look forward to making it to Madurodam and seeing the city. This will probably be an artistic journey for me with how things are now.  But this is time away to just get out of the country and do my thing.  lol Well at least until I leave out of the country again this year. 

I am still laughing at the chicks at the chiropractic office being shocked when I came in lol. That was classic. 

Logan was a good movie on Thursday. I enjoyed that.  I will have to write about this on a separate post 

The void, the changes and blatant realizations lately definitely have created plenty of things to pen, analyze and everything since the beginning of the year. It brought eye opening and closure. As always I left my mark upon them while permanently changing them to lead the to this point they are at right now. But this is what it is like living Life Unscripted!!

Well I shall bid you adieu for right now. It is time for me to go write on the non pg 13 page and let it all out. lol   

ABM IN FULL EFFECT!!

I Am the Null Hypothesis

The week has been interesting.

Logan is coming out this upcoming week and I cannot wait! I really hope I am not getting excited to be disappointing but oh well it looks like it might be actually good for once. The true Wolverine finally. Plus it is the Death of Wolverine story arch. So Thursday it is on!

In two weeks I will finally leave the country again. Next stop Amsterdam. This will be interesting trip definitely. Plus I haven't been there since I was a kid so I am seriously trying to get to Maduradam while I am there. It will be good to return to europe again. I haven't been back since I graduated high school. At least I know I will be going back after I go to London. lol

Yesterday was a good day in Raleigh. From eating at Big Ed's (they have some good country, farm to table food there. To include city ham. And of course you can order one or two pancakes since they are huge.)

Hit the history of NC museum downtown to look at everything. They had a WW1 exhibit as well.  Going through and looking at the slavery stuff bothered me a bit but it is supposed to. Hearing them talk about how they did not want to succeed from the union was interesting.  I enjoyed the weapons the most from revolutionary war through world war 2. Hell they even had my favorite the BAR gun in there. Plus a civil war historian was showing real swords and muskets and everything. So there was that and going to look at the dinosaurs, animals, vegetation and sea life indigenous to NC. I didn't know there were certain dinosaurs native to NC.

Left there to hit the farmers market. It wasn't that good because it was so late in the day at that point. But I found my damn ginger beer...cock n bull ginger beer baby!  And I got a case of it. Now it wasn't the diet one unfortunately but hell with it. I didnt have to get it from houston where I got it from the first time.

Had to get my eat on again so I stopped by Gypsy's Silver Dinner and had a real fried fish sandwich. lol  And that was after I went to Havana grill to get a cuban sandwich like I use to when I lived there only to see they are fixing salvadoran and mexican food and still got the cuban name up there. wtf

But I had to round it all off by stopping by my ole biker buddy Charlie from the cigar shop here stomping ground. Empire cigars. I had never been there but it was a nice little place. And damn apex was jumping that late already. I never knew. lol

I didn't make it back to go to Fire and Spice but damn it was worth it! Most definitely worth it!

Along with yesterday;s adventure I had a chance to hear from UK Honey. I hadn't chatted with her in years. Plus talked to the Pimpstress as well about health and stuff. I haven't seen her since when she stopped at blackbeat so we could meet and hang out talking. Both of them were good conversations and all.

Leads me to...

The focus recently has been on basically kow towing to others it seems. It has been in groups as well as individuals that have been talking about it.

This is why the title of the null hypothesis.

Because it is hard for people to understand and accept difference that is not their own and what everyone else says.  From the poly people are their narrow minds, language and words to everyone else and their stuff. It all remained cookie cutter basically. With fear and denial being their own companions.

So I have sat back, listened to and observed their situationships and how they were this and that type of relation. They loosed some bolts my way in an attempt to challenge me and get me to conform to their issues. But I require attributes of a real relationship for it or them to have any true meaning. Anything beneath that is something to do until you discard it.

My thoughts, actions, feelings and all destroying their mentalities. Making them pissed, suck and gnash their teeth because of me. But that is because of they only want things their way and nothing else so they can be comfortable and feel in charge. But that is a conversation for another time.


Did I say Logan is coming out this week!!  lol


Dominant aka the Journey Into Mystery


Through all of your submissives trust, have it my way, combative and more issues and actions something good can come.

There is no glamour in being a Dominant if you are doing it right and daily. It is work regularly and overtime hourly at times. But you want your submissive to succeed, achieve and grow. To live a fuller, happier and more educated life.

So it makes me smile when my submissive's career has grown through the change. Or that her thought processes have developed more so they are not as rigid as the gender tries to maintain. By her the place to trust, be open and be supported allows for exponential growth and dynamic.

The journey is still just beginning so there is no telling where the next landmine or attempted ambush may be in life.



See this is not a rant. It has nice stuff in it!