Fathers Day...Mine

Caught Amongst Father's Day

Here upon a day filled with so much and so little
Gazing upon those around me far and near
Those close to me personally and those passing by

Wrought within myself at
Loss
Despair
Disbelief
Shock

For I am not yet that father
Nor do I consider myself to have one myself
Betrayal ripping that from my very chest
For all he is nothing more than a hypocritical lie to me
Fiction, Fantasy...Christian disbelief

My father
Crying over things he did, not me
Looking to teach me when he was no more than the lies that I see
Married to my mother and cheating vehemetly
But yet still trying to teach me
Lead others to the Lord
No sir, not the father to be

Me, a Father
Taken away from me repeatedly
Babies loss from the love that I wished to give
Stripped from the future I sought to give
The last one the hardest
Knowing that if he had lived that she would have killed him
Those words took away my heart
The idea that she would kill my fatherhood from a start
All because of the issues that we had fighting each other from being apart

But God had HIS plan
And I don't sit here and claim to understand
Because I can't say that I do, Most of the time I really don't want to

All I know is I miss my baby
No child of my own
No yells of "Daddy" coming home

So with tears I close my eyes
Stifle the internal and external cries
Knowing the hurt, pain and love that is felt inside
Giving up to this emotional ride
Never once did I thought life would bring me this ride

As my babygirl wishes me Happy Fathers day
It is a joy I relish
For it is true heart of the one lil girl I have cherished
Not blood of my own, yet still my lil girl grown
The lil life that I influenced and loved all of my own

With the swirling thoughts and feelings
I take in this day
Reflected upon my life's stage
Blessing each and every father that has been a father this day

HAPPY FATHERS DAY