The Results of Connections and the Future

There has been a lot going on in my mind as well as out of it.

One of the things that has been most important to me has been CONNECTION. It has been one of those things that have kept me grounded, connects me intimately and allows true access to the deepest parts of me. This comes in levels of course with the inner sanctum being the throne room where you can Truly be connected to me.

But the fear and responsibility of that connection is what I have seen being such a major issue. Even when I have given up a lot of vulnerability so they could understand what I want and where I am going. Never have I asked anyone to be where I am because I know they are unable to be that far ahead in what I see.

The other aspect of connections use to be spending time with someone that I wanted to. Taking trips ad having great adventures. The light bulb went off with this lately and I realize that tradition is pretty much dead. Yeah, there may be a miracle somewhere in the future but I am not holding my breath. lol  It just means I am not asking, mentioning or creating interest in any of that unless there is an effort from someone else.

It has been good to get back to traveling. To get away and just relax, eat, drink and be. I already have my list of places to head to. Since I didn't go to Amsterdam last year I am going to either do it the end of this year or early next year.  Add to that the upcoming TX trip (I can't wait to have that much fun and entertainment again....Wooo) Back to the DMV and hitting up Miami. Jamaica is up in the air because my resort would require me having to go with a female (difficult).  But the Italy and Europe trips are looking nice so far. Either way, I am taking it back to the Tried and True Old School Ways.

Not upset. Not really feeling anything at all. I will always be ABM but that is in my blood. But this point has come to where activity is flat basically. The closed off portions of me are there until the situation comes up where it will change that.

I am at a place where I have stood at my crossroads and left the road completely. Much of this is how I was before I got married combined with my experiences and learning from dating since then and especially in the last couple of years.  Focus has changed and I am taking things to the next level.

Looking forward to some play and more disappearing acts. So Big Evil Chocolatezeus and Havoc will be coming to a town near you!!!  *evil laughter*

Time for a cigar and some more moonshine. Have some? lmao

Tossing a Grenade Down the Rabbit Hole

Last year I took a step back. This year I have came to a halt. Now the decision is to decide to carpet bomb or kick everything into the negative zone.

I had a nice birthday today and weekend. Today was full of laughter, talk, smoking, eating and drinking with a lot of thought.

Have to admit that thai food at Tastee Thai is really good. And yeah it is healthy also. lol  But, I needed to go do something today and that is what I chose to do. And as usual it was worth it.

There was only one thing I wanted for my birthday since last year. And I didn't get it. But I expected that so it wasn't a true disappointment. It was merely an affirmation.  So with that comes another change in how things are. I gave it all a chance. I did my part and now I am in the results stage. And I am good after learning this lesson.

Ru and I had talked about things in depth as usual and what had to be done for next year based off of results this summer and this year. And it all has come to fruition.  So a new direction has been taken with new destination.

Through this journey

I have become a better Dominant through walking the minefields, traps and obstacles. There have been some faltering and there was a failure but still things have pressed on. I look at where I was in the beginning till now and I see the progress. The guidance, attention and wisdom to stabilize, create and make things better. This walk has been made through guidance from those with many years experience, my own experience and understanding. Still, I know that this still in it's beginning stages. And I will continue to push forward and progress.

I have come to a point where things have not gone according to plan. What I wanted has been out of my hands. And the struggle has been real.

So I closed down this experiment in niceties and human like atrocities to return to being simply the Titan that I am. As I watched everything from the recent past wash away I realize, what was, what could have been and what is. And now there is only the man, the memories and the thoughts left as any parts of me.

I may think too much and cannot sleep. But I come to understand, sort and make a plan of attack as i begin my assault.

Returning to the World War 2 era of the United States style of being.

Braced and Ready for New Adventures

I am looking forward to leaving the country again. And next year I will be further going back to the old school way of things. No longer weighted with expectations and extraneous outside things. I ride and the adventure begins. If someone wants to ride then so be it. If not...yeah, oh well.

Simply I am me, myself and I. I am not:

• Your exes
• Previous Dominants
• Something you can manipulate and change
• Or your servant

Resistence is futile. But understanding and acceptance of all of me works Perfectly!

Swinging the Door Closed

So last weekend I finally let go of someone that use to be a lover, friend and partner many years ago.

It wasn't a violent ending situation. It wasn't a big blow up. It was a realization that no matter how much the olive branch has been extended she is still fucking crazy for no reason.

Things came to a head when I didn't get a response to my questions and then stupid assumptions right with that. If I tell you that I am going to do something then I will do it unless I tell you that I cannot. It is just that simple.

But what can you expect from someone that hides from everything? Unable to admit her jealousy and envy. Making up this story and that story. Trying to evade anything you ask her or attempt to have her account for.

I watched the last remnants float away last week. And I said good bye to it all.


EXIT STAGE LEFT!!

Is That Daylight? Really!

I looked up as I went to go fix me a drink and I see sunlight. Damn, I didn't know it was that late.

But after a week and this weekend of things. I am not even surprised.

Like that horrible Bugs Bunny would say, "I should of stayed in bed."

That is if I had went to bed. lmao

Enjoy your sunday folk

Upcoming Hatchling Day and the Changing of the Guard

As I sat at the bar drinking my 5th drink. My cigar buddy Rich asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. It made me think. (lol, yeah like there was need for more of that)  My response to him was nothing. And that is the simple fact of the matter.

Most of my adult life I really never celebrated my birthday. A lot of deaths, issues and more have occured on my birthday. So I didn't celebrate it. Not, until I started dating and then married my wife did I actually consider and start celebrating them. She told me it was important and it began to be important to me. But I think that was more of celebrating with someone that wanted to celebrate it with me and have our adventures. I learned that I would rather have those that I was connected to, loved and wanted to be with me with me on that day.

Not having someone to celebrate my day with is nothing new since I became a widow. The last time my birthday was celebrated was my 40th when I spent the weekend with the two females that I had relations with at that time in the swing world.  (And now both of them lost their mind and joined the ranks of the unknown.) So this really is nothing new.

Anyway

I am always doing things by myself. And i had wanted someone to spend time with on my birthday and other important days. But I am not going to make anyone do it. If they have not chosen to be a part then there is not need for me to say or do anything at all.

So...

I decided to start a new journey. Next year will be another milestone. So i will be doing whatever needs to be done for myself. Even though I traveled this month a little. i still have to travel more and have more fun.

Aka the guard has changed

Poetic Thoughts: Will There Be?

Will There Be?

Love and passion from a heart

That is not deceased

Will there be

A meaningful connection

That has that needed strong

Craving

Will there be

Reversion to monogamy

Or the complete disassociation of

The fairy tale ending of

Relationship meanings

Will there be

Anyone left in the end standing

Or will destiny give the great reveal

Behind the veiled curtain

The One Man Team

Will there be

My cold and consumption

Of life and soul’s being

My funeral pyre

Smoldering

Will there be

An answer to the outcomes

The paths that I have

Predicted and seen

That will be more than what has been

Opened to me

Will there be

Anything quantifiably left

Of me

Or

Will I merely accept

The nature and destination

Of my Beast

From the chocolatezeus collection  6/18/16  ©

I Don't Negotiate With Terrorists

No, I am not in a terrorist standoff. I would be on the news for excessive force.

This is about D/s and submissives.

Each person has their individual traits, personalities, backgrounds and things of importance. But the point of the TPE is the Total Power Exchange. Now that doesn't mean that everything is given up or that almost everything is given up by a submissive. But it does mean Power Exchange.

As I have seen there is this need for subs to fight against the D in the D/s. The use of words like autonomy, fairness etc.

I look at the person and what I know about them and formulate a plan to allow them to grow personally and as a submissive. The personal part is the basis for everything anyway. But when one doesn't want to change, grow or be in a TPE then none of this is relevant.

Negotiations are at the beginning of the process. Where they establish all of their rules, hard limits etc. It is NOT after the negotiation!

The need to fight for control constantly is high in most apparently. Even though they claim and want to be submissive. Making a need for either a tug of war or a dismissal.

I lead by establishing an outlook on those things that need to be achieved individually. That tailor made way is the most effective way to create a good foundation and journey. I am not a hard ass with no give. Nor am I some push over. I float somewhere in the middle most of the time until an adjustment has to occur.

But they want to pout, attempt to make demands and do what they can to get their way.

Well

I DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!

My Emotional and Raw Creations

In being the asshole, evil, mean and caring Dominant man that I am. It creates a very diverse and potent.

From experiences with red, little one, flower child and those I have dated I have rearranged their thoughts, feelings and emotions from being involved with me.

There is the natural need to try to correlate how I am to every or some of their past relationships. It is a common ground. Familiar territory.

I do have some things that can be seen as similar, but I think and act upon my own. Each decision, success and mistake are based on me, myself and I.

In my dating and dynamic joining I ask those that decide to be involved with me to be open and be themselves. Yes, I know females avoid, detest and treat vulnerability as the plague.

Giving them a chance to be themselves and free is terrifying for them. It goes against all their layers of super defenses they have set up against me and men.

It is those moments where heart, emotions and all appear against their will. When they involuntarily feel and respond to me against their barriers. Heart opens up and reaches for me.

It is part of D/s and dating. Where there lies a connection and raw emotional attachment. Where accountability and results weigh heavier. It is where pain and hurt is felt.  Putting trust in me to handle, cherish and support their raw nerves. And I do that to the best of the situation. Because there is no absolute always correct scenario. There are times when there is a mishap. Emotions are not stable, quantifiable things.

It is like the company team building exercises. The females are laid open like a flower. At times they may close up a little, only to open again. Most of the time they want to remain sealed super tight. Trusting me to allow to be themselves and handle it is a tough one. That raw place is where the most hatred and denial takes place. The treasured vault they do not want open.

So with each I let them reach that raw point in their own ways. Even now there are the battles against it because fear is all that they know comfortably. Those things that make them think about me in situations, memories and living are what links me at a deeper level. When they think of me and their protocols out with others. Or when she is angry at something I said and feels the heat upon her being. These things are an aspect of Dominance. The mental and emotional parts joined together to feed the dynamic and the dating.

So I see the jealousy, the agitation, need to rebel and raise you another level of your emotional rawness dedicated to me. We may have different interests and manners but in the end we are linked even more than you want to understand, truly believe or fight against.

Will you open up and embark upon a deeper, more fulfilling journey? Or will you continue to deny, hide and fight both internally and externally?

Poetic Expression: No Need

No Need

When I tell you how beautiful you are constantly

Gave you my vulnerabilities

Proclaimed you the One

For me

There is no need

As I stand in the gap

Interceding harm and pain

From your being

There is no need

When you twist and contort

Eroded feelings and fickle emotions

Through a relationship façade

There is no need

Use the words “I love you”

As cannon fodder

There is no need

When I refuse to chase

Bow down and worship

You

There is no need

When the distance has become

Immeasurable in leagues

Where we are at the opposite ends of the universe

Existing

There is no need

Taking into account

Your choices, participation and demeanor

Lack of future planning and thinking

It is obvious

There is no need

For

A you and me

From the chocolatezeus collection  6/15/16  ©

From House Party to Submission...The Gauntlet

So the weekend I made a run to GA to handle business and to get away for a second. I can't really say have fun. It was just an escape into a familiar territory. I did accomplish my goals to: drink super heavily, eat, watch the entertainment an get in the hot tub.

I didn't get to see ms reid since she was under the weather.  I did have a nice breakfast date saturday. It was good to finally meet.

So the party...

Normally these things can get extremely wild since there are always a number of swingers there. And not talking about wild as in fucking everywhere. But naked folk going around having a good time together without the sex. Well, except for licking a nipple or sucking a tittie. So this year was a little different. The lifestyle people were not the ones acting wild. It was the vanilla drunk folks. chicks eating pussy in the stripper pole room. Chick getting stripper pole burns on the insides of her pretty little thighs.  And the bi and lesbians were out. Even the gay guys had to laugh and shake their heads. Even my fellow NC boy's girl was ultra wild like I had never seen before. In all the years I have never seen her drink that much and definitely grabbing dick and ass, or fingering the chick and telling me mmm don't this smell good while putting her fingers near my face. The quiet little chick done went girls gone wild. lmao  I told my boy that he was in for an interesting night and sunday lmao.

The demon was being her usual boisterous, annoying self. I didn't miss that at all but that was to be expected. There was a little bit of eye candy. one amazon with a great ass. And then the usual hood certified, self absorbed females.

Some good convo about traveling, price gouging at hotels and resorts because of events. Since the amazon, the cute light skin chick and the hood chick had been to aruba the other week for the fest Mr B goes to every year.  Light skin chick was the best one out the bunch. Not because her body because it really didn't stand out. she had cute little nipples through her dress. But simply because she was more even keeled than the others.

Pool playing, watching movies in the theater room and the females swinging around the pole all added to the entertainment quality. Well that and the group of gathered individuals that were there. lol

I made my guest appearance.

It reminded me about my desire, need and want for companionship with the realization of life right now at the same time.

Still rolling solo with Team Evil!


Which brought me back to reading a wonderful entry by Sir Orpheus Black What is Pure Submission?

One of the best parts of this was the following excerpt..

What is so powerful about this is the acceptance of ones position as the devotee. The beloved is comfortable with being and becoming whatever it is that their love needs when they need it. They draw power and inspiration from their lover. And they recognize that it is this union between lover and beloved that makes all things possible.

It is truly about that union and connection for me. Without it then I can still be your Dominant, Top and Destroyer. But it will be disconnected and devoid as you have chosen.

I have listened to, experienced and observed this need by submissives to lay down all these rules and hard limits in an attempt to keep their control over themselves. "You can't change or give me commands on this and that." Then I just see it as you want submission when it is convenient and beneficial to you.

D/s is not an exact science. I am dealing with females with multitude of issues and things going on at any given second. Mistakes are made. But if you want someone to be completely open to you and you are closed off then that is not going to happen.

I didn't begin this journey out of ego, pride and some once in a while pussy. I did so for the aspect of the leading, growth and support. And that is what I have stuck to and tried to do. It hasn't been about serving me more than the need to establish themselves in growth and understanding in themselves.

I held on to the above union between lover and beloved deeply because of being married. Now, I realize it is an ever constant sliding scale with females. I don't expect any more than that. If I get surprised I am happy. Otherwise, no loss.

My decisions are based on knowing you. And if you don't allow me to know you or let me in to understand then you are receiving what you asked for at the level you wanted.

There is always the option to break and destroy you but if i actually had interest in you that wouldn't work because I would leave your dead carcass for the carrion to feast upon.

Submission in its purest form is attainable. But as with all things you make a choice. You choose to have your wall and defcon 5 defenses up then don't blame me for the inability to connect or have anything meaningful.


Hmmm, I really need something really good from smiley to make me grin right about now.



I am sure you had a great weekend. So make your week even better.

Reminders in McDonough

I accomplished what I needed to do.

As I sit here on the deck and think. I realize how far gone things are. The questions and what ifs no longer linger. They parade around loudly.

Aftera lot of liquor, some food and the hot tub I took time to meditate and think as usual.

Where are things going? Are they going anywhere at all?

D/s is going alright for both of them. Setbacks and issues have arisen. But that is the way it is between a man and females. There is progress. And whatever happens to them hopefullu they will be better than when things started.  That is the point of D/s after all.

I had considered moving to try to make things work better last year. Then I realized that probably wouldn't help that relation. So I stuck it out and here I am. I just look in the void at times to see if it is still there. It always is.

Now, moving is on the table but it is simply because it is time for me. Nothing has shown a need for me to consider anything else.

I have always fought and strived for the things I wanted and needed. This is one of the first times when it came to relations that it has failed. It has perplexed me. Then I had to remind myself that I was basing things on the premise of women and not females. I cannot expect them to be anything but what they are. Their will not be an increase. So I accepted and shifted everything to what it is now. When something meaningful shows up then fine. Otherwise I catch you whenever and when they are ready for an interaction.

Coming here to bbqs hasn't changed. Still the show and everything that is always presented unfortunately by the demon. But I saw the realization for myself.  I watched the entertainment and the few attractibe chicks.

I realized that Ebil needs company more than once every three blue and pink moons. Who annd what I want is unavailable to me. There are no sunstitutes or anything. So I deal with it. And I watch my temperament and attitude continue to change even further. The feelings are mostly dead. Connections are minimal. There are no answers even if I went back to actually making an effort.

In my sikence I remain. Devoid of most everything.  Excitement appears only after reaffirmed and verified confirmation of something truly happening. No hopes to get up or anticipation.

I never thought this year would be this way. I thought there would be forward progress, happiness and delight. Instead there is the silence of the void. Telling me all the things that are wrong and not happening. I hear all of it. And I tilt my head.

That comfort, companionship and lobe that I sought are looking at me laughing hysterically.

The summer is here and upon it's end the results will be solidified.

It is sad but very apparent now that the grail is not ever meant for me.

I think that is enoigh for now.  Let me continue drinking.

Hooe you enjoued and had a good weekend

Chocolate Doll Memories and My Duties

Back here in the city of unbrotherly love. Why? Because I promised myself that I would come back after my wife's 2nd funeral here.

It is strange being back here. The last time was to end the greatest parts of my life. To say my last final fairwell to a part of me.

So I will hit 4th Street Deli and try to go to the diner on broad. I am not sure the nifty fifties that we went to is still open. Other than that I am just taking time to just be. I had dinner with shortcakes last night. It was good to laugh and catch up.

Hmm, philadelphia. The place I found my wife. Where I flew from to get married in Jamaica. And plenty of outstanding marathon sex sessions, fun and enlightenment. For a place I do not care for it held a portion of my life that was great.

When it comes down to me as a person I have rules and regulations I live by that don't make sense to others and more.

Within the three circles of interaction with me there is caring and loving aspects towards the few that can grace them. And it goes at a hierarchal level. But in all of them I will do what I can to help and support according to their level. Obviously the highest level aka the inner sanctum is an all out type of relation.

Well, in a discussion with red earlier I was talking about my concern for my Ru Ru and her situation. And the fact that I can't give her the support that she needs right now. And she has been there for me for all the years that we have known each other. That is why she gets the supreme spot and treatment that she does. I know I can only do what I can but it is important to me to support those that I care about in whatever way that I can. Well, unless they don't want support. Then I bide my time until another decision is made.  This is part of my intimate relationship package. They get the things I do not give out to associates and humans. So yes there is a division of meaning there.

I always try to maintain and carry out my duties to those I care about. Sin Eater. Counselor. Friend. Lover and more. Does it always happen? No. But I do what I can, how I can and when I can.

This is one of the things that I am not mean and evil about even though it is only for a very small and select amount of the population.

So I am going to continue this journey this weekend. My birthday month has began with this trip. We will see how things happen and work out this month. We are already off schedule. And this month will show and help me decide some things.

Have a great weekend.

Fisticuffs, Bad Meets Evil and Mental Weekend Recap

My uncle is doing fine and recovering after his open heart surgery. I am glad that is over with. That made me think about things that I have had on my mind about what is left of what i would call family since Chocolate Doll, Big Ma, Aunt Naomi and Uncle Ralph are gone. There are not that many left to lose. If I lose uncle and auntie then all I have left is Ru Ru. And yeah, at that point in time all bets are off and you better armor the fuck up.

Black Bike week. What can I say there were some nice bikes and some nice thick ass chicks on some of them. Of course there has to be ignorant asses out there. They think they are gangsta. They had to be taught a lesson why they call me Unk OG in the chuck.

Being me I had to adjust my comfort and perception about things. There were some major realizations.  I can't give or allow those things when it is not warranted or wanted. I am the Juggernaut Bitch!

Why yes, I continue to analyze, think and prepare. With that came the checklist and I have been looking at it and realizing just how close I am when it comes to analysis. As I said to Ru, we will see what is what. I am just in Doomsday prep mode!

I did get a chance to go out and get my eat and drink on with the two drunks friday. The food at that sports bar was good and the band definitely brought the funk that night. Watching an old, drunk white boy dancing is just funny. And the little white girls bartending had cute little asses to be skinny. The best still was the older one rita the pediatrician and biker.

Dealing with setbacks but that is why I analyze and think. Time to move to the next phase and mode of life and existing.

As I look at the calendar and clock, waiting for the evidence of what will happen. I will continue to keep my go bag ready, plenty of cigars, bottles and my mind ready for that moment to use the Suncrusher (Star Wars) to make the final exclamation point.

But her there was some good conversations with shortcakes and a new young lady that I did get to enjoy this week.

Keeping those I am concerned about in prayer, thoughts and position.

Enjoy your memorial day and remember those that have died to keep the country safe.

Rip Warriors