2014 A Year In Another Universe

The last night of the year. I look back and even I have to really wonder about all the things that have happened this year. 

This summer I traveled and had a good time. Adventures Zeus style. Plenty of laughter and enjoyment. Met someone I didn't even get along with at first. Interestingly enough that is the opposite now. I also had the curtain lifted on the fog and parlor tricks to me.  Ultimate realization that I dearly miss my family.

I grew exponentially in my bdsm learning. Indulged and finally found some sadistic release. Found the relationship I would like to have and enjoy for eternity.  Went to Black Beat and saw first hand the different aspects of individuals in the lifestyle and how they can be. The good, bad and ugly.  It all helped me refine what I wanted and understand what I didn't need.

After having one of the worst years ever and horrid holiday memories. I realize that there had to be a quantum leap in being me. To not only regain the things that I have lost but to surge forward in a nuclear intensity. 

From relationships, lack there of, and the one wanted. Made me realize how am just like Halo's Master Chief. Duty bound even when I disagree. The one that leaps in and fights to the teeth.  Yet, vulnerable as I await my peace. 

Into the void I leap. 

Strapped to the teeth.

Declaration of War

Lost in a year that will live in

Infamy

Cauterized

Lycanthrope releases

Seething

I challenge the future

We will battle for eternity

My intensity increased to

Super Saiyan times ten

I take back and ascend

Into the darker side of me

Regaining and surpassing

What use to be

Never again will these memories

Be repeated

Giving all and everything from here on back

Their eulogy

Battle cry

2015

Opens with this

Determined ferocity

No weapon forged will stop me

For I am the ultimate weapon

Let the

Carnage

Chaos

My breathing

Begin and increase

Ready or not

The battle is coming

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/31/14  ©

The House of Havoc!!!!

This year solidified a lot of things. Open my eyes to things and people I thought were real. So let's let the Borg free shall we!

There use to be individuals that were constants in my life. Ones that I looked out for and gave up for.  Love and caring were second nature. Now, like the rest there is merely apathy. When you make our relationship a memory instead of a priority. Then I merely dismiss you and see you as something and some memories. And there was a surprise there for me. Because I never would have thought it until the discrepancies and all floated to the surface of our dead sea. Or when a friendship takes no relevance until you might remember that we were once friends and call out the blue again.

Relationships have always been mission impossible for me because females just can't seem to function, think and become a woman like they should be. With each encounter there was a diminished capacity for the probability of true relationships because of females and women being inept terribly. Step forward, explain what you want and are looking for. Slap them in the face with it. If I am feeling you tell you that and all. But that brutal honesty and truth are too much for them. Intensity and knowing what you want, while expressing it.  Causes the fright and flight tendencies.

Even with BDSM. The things I have seen and experienced this year got me to seriously considering and thinking. The want for poly family. Having a sub/slave and all. In a supposedly more open lifestyle it is harder to find one suitable to start a relationship with. The only thing that is prevalent is the attitude of "just come play with me." So, I will just entertain that until I get bored with them being nothing. I looked forward to growing and establishing something of meaning....a relationship. Looking at the messy people and their so called relationships. Maybe this is the ultimate mission impossible situation. Full of facades, lies and unnecessary things.

I am captain caveman. A modern day chauvinist in this day and age.  I lay it on the table if you are in my circle and you have all of me. Outside of my circle you will see and hear the tumbleweeds. So when I say just be yourself. Then that is what I mean. No need to fight for something that the other parts of the equation don't want to keep. Spouting words out of their mouth. While saying and showing nothing.

So looking back on 2014. I see two constants. Ru Ru and Munchkin for the year. HQ for allstar. It is what it is!

Messages heard.
Lessons learned
Assimilation occurred

Just have to sum up 2015 in the hook of Redman and Meth.....*Whatever Man!!!!

Today's Anarchy of Relations

I have read and listened to the way relations are today. And all I can do is look wide eyed and shake my head.

Females want to have all the love and everything like they are in a marriage but want it to be not a relationship but a condition when they are in the mood.

Males that have no idea what being man is about. Thinking that pussy rules everything. Standard issue to stupidity.

This whole unnecessary confusion because females can't be women and males can't be men. So much pretending and jockeying for position that it is all a quagmire of bullshit.

Yet, people wonder I have positioned myself where I don't take the nonsense and I am picky about it.

*shrug*

Let the apathy reign

Trustworthiness and Relationships

After listening to another dynamic discussion courtesy of Sir Mythos. I once again looked at the aspect of relationships and their applications to me.

One of the points Sir Mythos brought up was about each individual in a relationship or seeking one needing to be trustworthy and not looking for trust. It made so much sense. Because everyone has trust issues due to life experiences. But if you make it so or show that you are not trustworthy the relationship is dead regardless.

I applied this to those that I tell all things to and have become close to. My ride or die Ru Ru and I are the Road Warriors. Trust her with all things without a half a second thought. Munchkin and I can get our monkey slap and laugh on. The adventures solidified the love and trust that we have with each other. Shockingly I have come to deep trust with Lil Red. It is a shock because at this point in my life I am like the ivy league when it comes to those I choose to be bothered or involved with. And of course there is Auntie my only family left since my wife's death. She knows everything within reason. No need to give the christian lady a heart attack no matter how understanding she is. lol

Hell, I don't have trust or any relationships with the parental units or the ex best friend anymore. I don't ask for much but if you can't respect and ride with me. Then you are nothing to me.

My relationships evolved just like me. With emphasis on a two way relationship instead of a just me and you receive type of relationship. I had enough of those over my life and especially since my wife died. people tend to forget a relationship is work on both sides. Not just one or a do nothing and let things work itself out type of situation.

My desire for a bdsm relationship doesn't change of that. Wanting a slave or sub doesn't mean I am going to change the principles. So I have been evaluating things as usual. And I realize that findind someone for this type of relationship may not occur. I am fine with that. I will just do what others do and play and leave it at that.  For many that is all that bdsm is. *shrug*  I am a realist about situations. What I want is not necessarily anything else wants and I am fine with that.

As far as the love life. After almost cussing the parental units and the cousin out over that thanksgiving holiday mess. I realized just how far into the void I have gone from having a loving marriage and believing in love and relationships. To this point of absenteeism and isolation because of the meaning won't be the same for someone else like it is to me.  I have wondered if miracles can happen more than once and then I look at things now and laugh.  What I want is there but that is only my desire. No telling if there is anything there or reciprocation. It is all good things are assimilated as always.

People need to understand their relationships and either put forth effort or do nothing and face the results. The whining and complaining while you sit there stagnant and silly is comical. Make moves to betterment or shut the fuck up and enjoy your bereavement.

As for me I make my intention known. Show what relationship means to me. And leave the choice o what the other part of the relationship wants to do to them. I am not making anyone do anything or sway their thinking. I will merely mark them off as an associate.

Relationships
a lost dynamic
in this current climate

Weight of the Multiverse

Enduring and survival have always been who I have been. Holding the wait of worlds upon myself so many times. For periods I cannot remember. My nickname Zeus came from my overwatch, protective nature. One of the few things I held onto from college days.

Now things have changed. Invulnerability has lessened. Maturity, evolution and change has come. I am still on Overwatch. I am just not as young and foolhardy as I once was.

I have been husband, man, counselor, protector and so much more. I realized that was part of my life from an early age. From the moments where I was the boy with no girlfriend and all the girls talking to me. Loved and hated for just being myself.

As we come to the here and now. The universe as well as myself has expounded. Things are not as simple as they use to be. The complications have grown and risen to all new heights.  My nice guy persona died. Evolution allowed me to grow and become the Havoc that I was supposed to be.

Now I am known for cold, concise, uncompromising intensity. I'll be dat!! All of that look at things from others points of view is irrelevant for me when it is my principles that are most important. Their feelings, thoughts and views do not define me. Like I tell females. My switch is either on or off. There is no in between. I know what I want and need. Nor am I afraid to speak it and be specific about picking properly.

But my strength remains most evident when you move past that view and concern about everyone else. With me I will love and care for you until the end of existence unless you decide to destroy that or walk away. My circle is small and tight but those within get every aspect of me. My love is just as potent as my disconnect.

So when I seem indifferent. Or merely observe and don't use fake phrases like family and friends where it is not appropriate. You can truly understand. I laugh constantly at the lies people say when you talk them or are in a group and they are hollering out the lie that we are all family. Especially when I know how you betray and turn on your so called friends and family.

No matter. I hold this weight of all things upon me. Because it is my destiny. The loss of my family. And dealing with the parental units. To the apparent end of a loving destiny.  Each day something else is added. It is part of my whole existence. Transmuted into my eternal damnation and endurance.

Me: The Bridge Too Far

I watch the mental informational analysis of me stroll through my mind every second.  The ultimate multi thought pile up. Constant crashes and all.

I was married and I miss that. I loved being married. Being with someone that understand and accepts me. And loved me. All the things females are incapable of. Add to that my sadistic and increasing high sex drive. Then I have come to the top of the realm of impossibility.

So I have attempted to find a miracle. To actually find a woman. It is a completely devastating and losing battle. The type of female I am attracted to is a matter of hodgepodge of aggressive, anti natures with male mentalities and combative nature when it comes to being a female. They fight being a female while being able to enjoy being a female and the rewards. It basically is like stabbing the bull in the shoot 300 times and then jumping on to try to hold on for a second.

I normally break the so called aggressive boss bitches. I take who they are and break it down to the point of them having emotions that they fight to not allow. They then do something to make sure they get their own monkey bitch name. They come to hate me and fear the fact that I made them feel. I merely don't care about them after they violate.

Lately it really seems that all that there is left is dealing with females. The day of woman is apparently completely dead! They are now only a tool apparently. Something to fuck and hang out with to keep down the boredom and anger. And the fact that I just can't find a woman or a female to truly keep up with me and my needs only further compounds things. I am super horny and my sadistic tendencies are in overlord watch.  It has been a long time of holding back. Wanting and needing full release.

That human style caring and feeling switch is off and might be permanent. My apathy has even shocked itself from the increased intensity. But with experience and life currently the only applicable way things could be is the OFF switch.  The cold flow of space is all that seems to tether myself to the humans. And it gets colder and colder.

Settle for what it is right now? Females to fuck and let some of me out?
Continue to attempt to find what I need? The mission impossible and miracle.

Is it possible to find one that can even handle me? Be able to provide half of what I need? Or will I forever use the build a bitch program and keep putting a couple together to make half a woman.

There And Never to Go Back Again...my journey

The ex best friend summed it up the best "I miss the old you."

Through the fire and brimstone I was forged to be better and stronger. That meant shedding the nice guy shell and evolving. Leaving behind the trappings that only kept me caught in simplistic, meaningless activity.

See, the romantic, Renaissance man died with hope and pipe dreams. The adventures of being the nice loving man led me to watch my funeral pyre burning. My transition from Luke Skywalker to a Super Darth Vader came at that moment. A ethereal and spiritual transference.

So, that person that the ex best friend said she misses. Grew up and became a man instead of a boy. Learning and applying the reality instead of dwelling in hope and what if equations.

Knowing what I want and not settling. My focus. Part of the things that have been seen as drastic changes. I am seen as combative and negatively endearing. But those that know me Ru Ru and Kay know that. I love just as hard as I am evil in all things. The things that humans cannot understand are simple living for me.  The on and off switch is a constant thing. Cold or hot. Dead is anything in between.

Understanding, acceptance and focus are the relevant things. Those things that define intimacy at the cellular level with me. just like the cali girl constantly saying "you need to be nice to me." Drums up memories of stupid females and displays a need to control and change me. That won't be happening. I don't make a bunch of demands but one of the basics is do not try to change me. Talking about if your nicer it would make me happier and nicer. Umm, hell, fucking no. We are nothing and have nothing together so you gets absolutely nothing! Females figuring they are supposed to get quality treatment when they are nothing to me but regular humans that are breathing. If you are of interest then I tell you and show you until you fuck it up.

Like Bilbo Baggins said and sang at the end of the Hobbit. The Greatest Adventure is what I have led.

The Plight of BDSM

I don't claim total knowledge and experience. But I do know what I have learned and want.

Yet females like this fake domme tell me I am submissive to her because I asked her a question. Or the so called switch chick that I couldn't trust not to lie to herself. Trying to instruct and tell me to do things or trying to get their way. I merely laugh at their asses. They are funny to me. Even in my vanilla life I didn't allow that to happen. So what makes you think that you can try that since I have embraced myself completely? Both light and dark mingled and strengthened!

Revelations and understanding have been the theme this year without a doubt. Especially in this lifestyle and all relations. From slaves and subs that are supposedly trained in the traditional ways but actions and words convey the opposite in every way.  All the lying and pretending. The use of the words love and family when they have no idea of the concept at all.

The unbridled desire transmuted into a reality check. That regardless of my gung ho attitude and need in this lifestyle. I have to force march through because I am dealing with humans in this equation.  That desire to have a poly family. Hell to even have a sub and slave. Gave way to the reality that finding one is just like all relationships. A pure miracle that you are seeking.

I realize that I need this. That it is a part of me. One that has not been fed at all until recently. And I don't want to go forward without that part fulfilled. Yet, I want it filled permanently instead of putting together a bunch of temps. Yet, that may be the only way to be since the mental stability seems to be fleeting now in society.

So I will merely continue the vetting and interviewing with hopes of something. But not holding my breath for anything.

BDSM like everything concerning individuals is a miracle needle in a haystack kind of thing.

Analyzed Projections

As always I analyze, scrutinize and attempt to summarize possibilities. NO, I am not a futurist or anything. It is just how I am made up.

Looking at things. I see the good possibility and know what I want and feel. But I know the reality when that forecast involves a human. Some good things happen and then evidence of this will probably lead to nothing shows up. Things are so tainted that there really is nothing to feel, hold onto or even consider working on.

This summer has brought out the microscope upon things. And everything has been cut down to the cellular structure. Unearthed things that I would never have known and truths behind the curtain.

Distance has become the ekg line of living. Disassociation a matter of autonomous living and growing rapidly in strength.

I look. See what I need and want. Staring back is a Noh Mask. Laughing, taunting and telling me that the goal cannot be obtained. Kishin forever there guarding, reminding and blocking.

Heart and blood have congealed. Leaving the nothingness of everything.

left in this outsider, other world apathy!

Dripped In Darkness

I walked into the darkness. The place that I feared. Not because I was scared of what it would do to me. But my fear of how deep past that darkness I can and will enjoy going.

The sadistic side of me has been held in check for so long. Caged on 10 truck chains is where that beast has been and even after this has to remain. Remain until it can be let out on someone appropriately again.

Being a Dom you have to be careful about your playmate. Only time will truly show how they truly respond to and can handle things. And there was no need to cut corners and end up with them injured. So I slow walked the process with HQ. And even with Em I brought the process to a stop because I knew she wasn't going to be able to handle me fully out of my cage like that.

So I finally danced with myself, the devil in the dark, velvet midnight.

It was a relief. I found myself emmersed so easily into it. The love of nipples and titties became my portal into the transition. Relishing in the pain that I caused. The reaction of pain that she gave me. I watched as I saw the tears begin to flow. Turning me on more and inciting my internal flames.  Nipples hard as I pinched, twisted and bit them. Squeezing and biting the titties all over.  She was writhing and I wouldn't let it go. Each moment I tasted fully. When I finally asked her if she wanted me to stop after the tears were flowing she said yes and I stopped. But things had already begun and my engine was at warp speed.

I had already had my scene planned out but with everything that had happened thursday night and friday I didn't have all my tools with me. But still I made the best out of it.

And I had to get happy since I had a chance to play with rope and gain a little of practice in. I need to get longer rope next that is for sure. It was just sexy to see her naked there tied with her hands up. But she would have pulled that shower rod down after a while of enjoying the flogging. *but now i know to use the shower head instead (smiling)*.

So the flogging was continued on the bed. And I got practice and my delight in. Enjoying each strike of the flogger on her ass, legs and back. I had to work on not hitting the same spots in the beginning but I got better. I watched the marks of the tails on her ass cheeks and just smiled.

But I have to say that what I enjoyed the most and was the most sadistic for me was fucking her mouth while I hit her with the cane. Hearing her say I might bite you didnt matter. I just kept shoving my dick in her mouth and hitting her with the cane. Gagging and choking on my dick just made me harder.

Woooo!!! I am so glad I had this chance to let loose some and let the beast breathe.

Prisoner To My Beast Mode

This horniness has me. I has kept me captive since I was around 8 or so overseas.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with just how strong and the steady increase of my sexual drive and need. Never would have thought my drive would increase the older I got. But it is off the charts and climbing.

From the first times that I went off into that sexual oblivion place in detroit years ago. Where I just couldn't get enough sex. Leaving my ex and the two other chicks passed out while I still paced with sexual energy engorged within me. I paced until I could lay down. Only to get back up and wake them up to fuck them senseless again.

Since that moment things have increased. It has made me widow out the females that don't have the fortitude to keep up or handle the forced orgasms. I don't stop because you want me to. I stop because I have chosen to give you a break. Even my times with HQ I find myself increasing in need and desires.

Add to that my sadistic side. The side that I haven't let completely out because of not having someone that could handle that. The fear of injuring someone beyond their ability. To release the one part that I keep behind double bonded cold hard steel. The beast that bites, beats, chokes and manhandles for his very own pleasure.

With that said I miss having sex multiple times daily. And that was when I was married. Not the single life that everyone says is the only time you have a lot of sex. And I need to put these toys that I have added to the toy bag to use. I look forward to getting that done. Because the applications have been running through my mind constantly.

I will continue to suffer in deep rooted horniness until I can find someone to eliminate and fix that.

Just need to Release the Kraken!!!

The SHAFT Effect

I love the original Shaft movies as well as the recent Samuel Jackson version.

The line that speaks to me: He is a complicated man that no one understands but his woman.  Because it fits me. My women and the few friends that I have close can say that they know and understand me.  Chocolate Doll, Munchkin and Ru Ru are the ones that understand me that most along with acceptance. Without a doubt I could be myself with them past and present.

Shaft is a standoffish but principled man that helps others. I help others when I choose to and if they fit my criteria and timing to allow me to do so. I know society and the humans say that you should help everyone in the universes. But I say to hell with that. I help who I choose to help or not.

Me the Standout

I don't and won't fit your molds or your ideology. Many have tried to put their drone mentality upon me. Does not apply here remains the constant.

Even with the hypochondriac chick trying to talk to me I have had to inform her again that I am not what she is use to nor do I conform to what she wants. The old commentary on compromise comes up and I laugh. In response: if we aren't together then there is no need for compromise at all from me. You cannot get the benefits when you are not even qualified.

Yes, I am weird. Very weird.
The black man that likes models, radio controlled models, comics and all. The one who watches and listens to sci fi or audio books. The Dominant that holds the keys to being a Daddy as well as your Doorway to Pain Keeper.

I refuse to be anyone other than myself. Learned that when I was younger. Just be me and everything will be just fine. The Big Angry Black Man get's the females, adventures and all. And still wonder why lol. But hey they are interested in me. And things don't stay dull for long. LoL

Amalgamous Anomaly

Tenuous moments

Teemed with Chaos

Rooted in Peace

At it’s core

Analogies

Representing reality

As I am the

Dark and light

As the cauldron boils

Dark energy encases me

Fuels the daily energies

Protects the light

Both increased to

Intensity

A Beast unleashed

As the Titan remains chained completely

The Angel remains

Protected and hidden

That battle of

Light and darkness

That you have fought so fiercely

It dwells within me

Like life support

Joined and fused

Throughout all of my being

For it is my Darkness

That allows you to

See

Be

Live

The Light

So prominently

From the chocolatezeus collection  10/21/14  ©

I am just going to just leave that there and let you understand that window into my darkness.

Death Stars, Napalm and Amore

Complex Simplicity, has been the words that have said and described it all. An example of the dual purpose that I hold within me. From the deeply loving to the mr freeze of apathy. My laid back nature couples with my unbridled rage.

Even HQ has mentioned about maybe needing a grey area with things and people. But I find that I am super hardwired to be "all engines full ahead" or "all stop."  I don't know if this is something that rubbed off being around military bases and people or what. But it is how I grew and solidified myself in adulthood. I do gave a little bit of grey area to those I love and care about. Well, that is until that grey area is violated, used improperly or taken for granted. Then things return back to the basic formula once again and I adjust my interactions with them.  This really came into play this year with friends, lovers and applicants. My existence works upon the premise of either we roll together as Seal Team Six or you are an Enemy of My State.  But for the few that have made it into my inner sanctum sanctorum  it reflects a deeper meaning because I let you in to the place that I show love, caring and support.  The things that I explain to those accepted that they hold a high honor and importance to me.

The Lifestyle

Even in bdsm my factors have come into play. Having started out with someone that had already been in the lifestyle for many years as a sub/slave I still was in my zone. The area where I remain a dichotomy of action and thoughts. Becoming a Dom and also realizing I have naturally been that through nonsexual and sexual aspects. There has always been an effect that I caused with others within my interactions. Both mentally and physically.

Even in play, the pleasure and the pain are two opposing forces but have the same intensity and need for me to create. It is natural for a man not to want to inflict pain upon a female because we are drilled by society to see that as wrong and therefore should never happen.  But there has always been a need there. And I have to say the "retarded houston monkey bitch" showed me the way with that. When I choked her and fucked her with the anger and rage that I created. It brought that barrier down and shook my mental lock until it opened.

The intensity of giving pleasure and pain are both at the same high level for me. I have been doing forced orgasms and over stimulation through sex while swinging and in personal relationships since the beginning. Because that need to make them lose control, pass out, tap out and submit to the pleasure that I make them have is my addiction.  I have wanted. Not wanted. Needed! to be able to let go and give the pain but that aspect was one I had to be careful about. Because female can say they want all of me and can handle it. But when I do an honest assessment I know they can't handle it at all.  So I understand that and never let it happen so they don't end up hurt and damaged.

But now I have met someone that says and shows that she can handle it. And that is after slow walking painfully along (for her) to the point where I am comfortable with her being able to take and enjoy it. Because if I don't act responsibly then things won't be right at all. And there won't be repeat performances in pleasures. Thus, the super skepticism with those that claimed they can handle me or be my equal when they have limits on themselves.



Love and Apathy

My heart beats and glows like the sun on solar eclipse. While it also can be colder than the rings of saturn. What you see and experience all depends on where you choose to be.

I am the one who will walk with you into the bowels of your hell and safe guard you.  Sit quiet and listen or even just both of us quietly reflect upon you.  When I say I love you I mean it with the weight of a universe upon it. And when it is said to me I expect it to have the same meaning to you. Is that fair? Yes, it is. Because I explain that it is not something taken lightly with me and that if it is not true love by the definition I use then don't bother with it.

This is where HQ's mention about the in between areas comes to fruition. I remain open, available and actively providing love, support and passion for our relationship.  That is until you choose and show me that it is not wanted, appreciated or warranted. Then the Master of Apathy appears in place of the caring Zeus that you are use to.  I will address the change with you. Speak my mind and heart. Leave you to understand and resolve the issues. Then at appointed time when things have not changed. I will merely switch the light switch to the off position where it concerns you. That means leaving communication up to if you want to. Communication between us de-evolved to an associate level.

There are no dissillusions here. I know what love is. I get love from the rare ones that know what true love is. Munchkin and Ru Ru hold me down in this aspect no matter the situations our lives deal to us.  As I have watched lovers and friends unable to handle it.

My eyes are wide open! Anything less than required....I am not having it



So as I prime my Death Star and double check my clone troopers and napalm. I leave you with this to further and foster understanding.  Understanding the depths of this power and effect.


The Force of My Dark Side