Analyzed Projections

As always I analyze, scrutinize and attempt to summarize possibilities. NO, I am not a futurist or anything. It is just how I am made up.

Looking at things. I see the good possibility and know what I want and feel. But I know the reality when that forecast involves a human. Some good things happen and then evidence of this will probably lead to nothing shows up. Things are so tainted that there really is nothing to feel, hold onto or even consider working on.

This summer has brought out the microscope upon things. And everything has been cut down to the cellular structure. Unearthed things that I would never have known and truths behind the curtain.

Distance has become the ekg line of living. Disassociation a matter of autonomous living and growing rapidly in strength.

I look. See what I need and want. Staring back is a Noh Mask. Laughing, taunting and telling me that the goal cannot be obtained. Kishin forever there guarding, reminding and blocking.

Heart and blood have congealed. Leaving the nothingness of everything.

left in this outsider, other world apathy!

Dripped In Darkness

I walked into the darkness. The place that I feared. Not because I was scared of what it would do to me. But my fear of how deep past that darkness I can and will enjoy going.

The sadistic side of me has been held in check for so long. Caged on 10 truck chains is where that beast has been and even after this has to remain. Remain until it can be let out on someone appropriately again.

Being a Dom you have to be careful about your playmate. Only time will truly show how they truly respond to and can handle things. And there was no need to cut corners and end up with them injured. So I slow walked the process with HQ. And even with Em I brought the process to a stop because I knew she wasn't going to be able to handle me fully out of my cage like that.

So I finally danced with myself, the devil in the dark, velvet midnight.

It was a relief. I found myself emmersed so easily into it. The love of nipples and titties became my portal into the transition. Relishing in the pain that I caused. The reaction of pain that she gave me. I watched as I saw the tears begin to flow. Turning me on more and inciting my internal flames.  Nipples hard as I pinched, twisted and bit them. Squeezing and biting the titties all over.  She was writhing and I wouldn't let it go. Each moment I tasted fully. When I finally asked her if she wanted me to stop after the tears were flowing she said yes and I stopped. But things had already begun and my engine was at warp speed.

I had already had my scene planned out but with everything that had happened thursday night and friday I didn't have all my tools with me. But still I made the best out of it.

And I had to get happy since I had a chance to play with rope and gain a little of practice in. I need to get longer rope next that is for sure. It was just sexy to see her naked there tied with her hands up. But she would have pulled that shower rod down after a while of enjoying the flogging. *but now i know to use the shower head instead (smiling)*.

So the flogging was continued on the bed. And I got practice and my delight in. Enjoying each strike of the flogger on her ass, legs and back. I had to work on not hitting the same spots in the beginning but I got better. I watched the marks of the tails on her ass cheeks and just smiled.

But I have to say that what I enjoyed the most and was the most sadistic for me was fucking her mouth while I hit her with the cane. Hearing her say I might bite you didnt matter. I just kept shoving my dick in her mouth and hitting her with the cane. Gagging and choking on my dick just made me harder.

Woooo!!! I am so glad I had this chance to let loose some and let the beast breathe.

Prisoner To My Beast Mode

This horniness has me. I has kept me captive since I was around 8 or so overseas.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with just how strong and the steady increase of my sexual drive and need. Never would have thought my drive would increase the older I got. But it is off the charts and climbing.

From the first times that I went off into that sexual oblivion place in detroit years ago. Where I just couldn't get enough sex. Leaving my ex and the two other chicks passed out while I still paced with sexual energy engorged within me. I paced until I could lay down. Only to get back up and wake them up to fuck them senseless again.

Since that moment things have increased. It has made me widow out the females that don't have the fortitude to keep up or handle the forced orgasms. I don't stop because you want me to. I stop because I have chosen to give you a break. Even my times with HQ I find myself increasing in need and desires.

Add to that my sadistic side. The side that I haven't let completely out because of not having someone that could handle that. The fear of injuring someone beyond their ability. To release the one part that I keep behind double bonded cold hard steel. The beast that bites, beats, chokes and manhandles for his very own pleasure.

With that said I miss having sex multiple times daily. And that was when I was married. Not the single life that everyone says is the only time you have a lot of sex. And I need to put these toys that I have added to the toy bag to use. I look forward to getting that done. Because the applications have been running through my mind constantly.

I will continue to suffer in deep rooted horniness until I can find someone to eliminate and fix that.

Just need to Release the Kraken!!!

The SHAFT Effect

I love the original Shaft movies as well as the recent Samuel Jackson version.

The line that speaks to me: He is a complicated man that no one understands but his woman.  Because it fits me. My women and the few friends that I have close can say that they know and understand me.  Chocolate Doll, Munchkin and Ru Ru are the ones that understand me that most along with acceptance. Without a doubt I could be myself with them past and present.

Shaft is a standoffish but principled man that helps others. I help others when I choose to and if they fit my criteria and timing to allow me to do so. I know society and the humans say that you should help everyone in the universes. But I say to hell with that. I help who I choose to help or not.

Me the Standout

I don't and won't fit your molds or your ideology. Many have tried to put their drone mentality upon me. Does not apply here remains the constant.

Even with the hypochondriac chick trying to talk to me I have had to inform her again that I am not what she is use to nor do I conform to what she wants. The old commentary on compromise comes up and I laugh. In response: if we aren't together then there is no need for compromise at all from me. You cannot get the benefits when you are not even qualified.

Yes, I am weird. Very weird.
The black man that likes models, radio controlled models, comics and all. The one who watches and listens to sci fi or audio books. The Dominant that holds the keys to being a Daddy as well as your Doorway to Pain Keeper.

I refuse to be anyone other than myself. Learned that when I was younger. Just be me and everything will be just fine. The Big Angry Black Man get's the females, adventures and all. And still wonder why lol. But hey they are interested in me. And things don't stay dull for long. LoL

Amalgamous Anomaly

Tenuous moments

Teemed with Chaos

Rooted in Peace

At it’s core

Analogies

Representing reality

As I am the

Dark and light

As the cauldron boils

Dark energy encases me

Fuels the daily energies

Protects the light

Both increased to

Intensity

A Beast unleashed

As the Titan remains chained completely

The Angel remains

Protected and hidden

That battle of

Light and darkness

That you have fought so fiercely

It dwells within me

Like life support

Joined and fused

Throughout all of my being

For it is my Darkness

That allows you to

See

Be

Live

The Light

So prominently

From the chocolatezeus collection  10/21/14  ©

I am just going to just leave that there and let you understand that window into my darkness.

Death Stars, Napalm and Amore

Complex Simplicity, has been the words that have said and described it all. An example of the dual purpose that I hold within me. From the deeply loving to the mr freeze of apathy. My laid back nature couples with my unbridled rage.

Even HQ has mentioned about maybe needing a grey area with things and people. But I find that I am super hardwired to be "all engines full ahead" or "all stop."  I don't know if this is something that rubbed off being around military bases and people or what. But it is how I grew and solidified myself in adulthood. I do gave a little bit of grey area to those I love and care about. Well, that is until that grey area is violated, used improperly or taken for granted. Then things return back to the basic formula once again and I adjust my interactions with them.  This really came into play this year with friends, lovers and applicants. My existence works upon the premise of either we roll together as Seal Team Six or you are an Enemy of My State.  But for the few that have made it into my inner sanctum sanctorum  it reflects a deeper meaning because I let you in to the place that I show love, caring and support.  The things that I explain to those accepted that they hold a high honor and importance to me.

The Lifestyle

Even in bdsm my factors have come into play. Having started out with someone that had already been in the lifestyle for many years as a sub/slave I still was in my zone. The area where I remain a dichotomy of action and thoughts. Becoming a Dom and also realizing I have naturally been that through nonsexual and sexual aspects. There has always been an effect that I caused with others within my interactions. Both mentally and physically.

Even in play, the pleasure and the pain are two opposing forces but have the same intensity and need for me to create. It is natural for a man not to want to inflict pain upon a female because we are drilled by society to see that as wrong and therefore should never happen.  But there has always been a need there. And I have to say the "retarded houston monkey bitch" showed me the way with that. When I choked her and fucked her with the anger and rage that I created. It brought that barrier down and shook my mental lock until it opened.

The intensity of giving pleasure and pain are both at the same high level for me. I have been doing forced orgasms and over stimulation through sex while swinging and in personal relationships since the beginning. Because that need to make them lose control, pass out, tap out and submit to the pleasure that I make them have is my addiction.  I have wanted. Not wanted. Needed! to be able to let go and give the pain but that aspect was one I had to be careful about. Because female can say they want all of me and can handle it. But when I do an honest assessment I know they can't handle it at all.  So I understand that and never let it happen so they don't end up hurt and damaged.

But now I have met someone that says and shows that she can handle it. And that is after slow walking painfully along (for her) to the point where I am comfortable with her being able to take and enjoy it. Because if I don't act responsibly then things won't be right at all. And there won't be repeat performances in pleasures. Thus, the super skepticism with those that claimed they can handle me or be my equal when they have limits on themselves.



Love and Apathy

My heart beats and glows like the sun on solar eclipse. While it also can be colder than the rings of saturn. What you see and experience all depends on where you choose to be.

I am the one who will walk with you into the bowels of your hell and safe guard you.  Sit quiet and listen or even just both of us quietly reflect upon you.  When I say I love you I mean it with the weight of a universe upon it. And when it is said to me I expect it to have the same meaning to you. Is that fair? Yes, it is. Because I explain that it is not something taken lightly with me and that if it is not true love by the definition I use then don't bother with it.

This is where HQ's mention about the in between areas comes to fruition. I remain open, available and actively providing love, support and passion for our relationship.  That is until you choose and show me that it is not wanted, appreciated or warranted. Then the Master of Apathy appears in place of the caring Zeus that you are use to.  I will address the change with you. Speak my mind and heart. Leave you to understand and resolve the issues. Then at appointed time when things have not changed. I will merely switch the light switch to the off position where it concerns you. That means leaving communication up to if you want to. Communication between us de-evolved to an associate level.

There are no dissillusions here. I know what love is. I get love from the rare ones that know what true love is. Munchkin and Ru Ru hold me down in this aspect no matter the situations our lives deal to us.  As I have watched lovers and friends unable to handle it.

My eyes are wide open! Anything less than required....I am not having it



So as I prime my Death Star and double check my clone troopers and napalm. I leave you with this to further and foster understanding.  Understanding the depths of this power and effect.


The Force of My Dark Side

Their Presence and Past: Through The Magnifying Glass

Yes, I observe and analyze. It is my design.

People change. Whether it is good or bad tends to be a matter of view and perspective. And especially their mental ability.

So when you establish relationships and they change drastically. The red flags, bells and whistles go off. That is if you have known them or at least thought you knew them for a while. At times the transition is obvious and other times it is totally chaotic and unforseen until it drops like an anvil on top of you.

Depending on the importance of relationships for you will be your response. You show concern and address it with them. Ask them what has changed. Reinforce that you are with them.

The hard part as a concerned member of a relationship is hoping they come to terms and grasp what is going on with them. Because you can slap them in the face with what is seen and going on. But free will is something else!

When you no longer present a presence. What can you expect those that have been in a relationship with you to do?

Looking at the score cards. These sub par episodes are not what the doctor ordered. 

Let the hounds loose. 

Let them receive what they seek.

The void

The emptiness

The detachment

Prevalence!!!

A Difficulty Called ME

I always thought that direct and to the point was the best thing possible. A way that everything was laid on the table. Upfront and slapped in the face honestly.  Apparently that was my misunderstanding from being around females as so called friends growing up. Watching them in their relationships and hearing them complain made me think about things. Adjust and apply myself.

I am direct and formidable in expressing exactly what I want and need. I never really considered it would be an issue with anyone that I wanted or had in my circle until recently. I have not tried to change or turn anyone. I merely remained myself. Even though most have said and wanted me to acquiesce to them and their thinking. I merely accept them and their differences and focus on the important things and goals.

Hell, I married the woman that was the feminist to my chauvinist. My direct and concise self doesn't take away from how deeply I love and care about you. I know I am hardcore. I don't think and do how other males do. But I will stand my ground, protect you with my last breath and do whatever I can.

It is true I have little tolerance for things. Because I ask you to be yourself and express what you feel and want without judgement. But most females find that impossible. I have definitely witnessed that first hand this year. Is there something wrong with allowing you to be an adult and exercise your free will? I just decided to be straight forward and direct. When I feel it I will say it and show it.

So this is why relationships don't work with females. I am leaving them and women in fear because I don't slow walk things along. I am the frontal assault individual when I don't have to use tactics. I want you to be mine and or with me. But the choice remains yours to accept or deny it.

Having listened to Sir Strange and others about their poly homes had me thinking about it and wanting to do it. Hell I have had poly relations before this with Em, that chick in gboro, Dizzle and the henderson chick. It just wasn't everyone under one rough and not as focused. But even in thinking about that. Even happy at the two that I wanted my poly house to be. Reality came crashing down. Showing me the need to really evaluate those individuals that I want to be my family. Because the strength of that family is extremely important.

There has always been a matter of wondering about if I was able to be happy with just one woman. And I know I can if I make sure that she has everything that can keep me satisfied. Even though I pieced together the different females to achieve the whole that I wanted for a long time before now. My sexual appetite kept increasing and my need for more and more took over to the point where I had to have more than one to keep from damaging them and not having a repeat. From drying them out completely from squirting to the pain of our sessions for days later.

From atlanta and cycling the nurse, raven and others I could fit in. To adventures here in NC of em, chan, gboro, henderson, archdale. I needed them to feed my carnal desires. To feed my need to make them provide forced orgasms for my pleasures. To leave box springs soaked and dehydration a constant.

That poly relationship I would love to have right now. I realize just how hard it is to find two that fit. Hell, I am going through the briar patch finding one. lol But it would be easier on the women to have each other to be able to deal and handle me and all of my intense, eccentric activities.

The door is Open. Stepping in is a choice. Not a coercion

Changing Of The Guard

From swinging to bdsm?

I have actually incorporated them both I realized for a long time now. From when I began letting my freaky side out on whoever I was seeing. I guess I would have to say that it started somewhere in the 90s. I never realized until recently that I was doing forced orgasms and Loving It! It was just natural to me. I have always enjoyed making them cum until I was satisfied. Past their point of tolerance. Where they are super sensitive. Well everyone except for HQ it seems for now.

I started swinging in chicago in the early 2000s. Probably around 2002 or 2003. Introduced into the lifestyle by a couple I met online somewhere. I went to my first party and found them friendly and inviting. Everyone had a good time and made me feel welcomed. Later on I found out this was the difference between mixed race parties and black folks. Black folks tend to not be friendly or inviting for the most part I have learned over the years.

Years have passed and I had gotten burned out on swinging parties. I rarely went anymore. They were mostly boring to me. And I learned that if I didn't bring my own playmate that I was bound to be bored. Oh, don't get me wrong. I have been to some great parties and had some great times. I had the best foursome ever at the diva's party in detroit courtesy of my gary ex.

Now, it seems that I have transitioned more into bdsm. Especially after attending my first bdsm conference. I got a piece and want more. It didn't hurt that HQ and I had some great sessions as well. I am looking forward to more bdsm events. And more adventures with HQ as well.

It has really hit home how different swinging is for me this year after the cabin trip and this beach trip. I am really not feeling it too much anymore unless I went with a hand picked bunch of people that I knew that we would all have a good time and enjoy each other without the issues or groupings. I have supported and went when someone wanted to go and needed me as a date. But my desire has been next to nothing these last few years.

Have I given up on swinging? No, I am just very, very selective about attending and who is going to be there now. Along with the main ingredient of who will I bring to be my personal slut while I am there.

With that said. Oh well, another learning experience. More reinforcement on why I have to be picky and vigilant.

That's right. The see saw is tipped to the bdsm side heavily now with a huge dose of slutism.

The Culmination of Analysis and Observation

We strive to make things work. To exhaust what we see as endless possibilities. Sometimes it works and other times we are merely banging our heads against the wall.

I can't say that I didn't hit my head more than a few times. Because I did. Along with gotten hit in the head a few times this year definitely.

So I have stacked the funeral pyre and I am throwing the flame to it.

From the Recesses of Doomsday

I am the darkness, within the darkness that is the light. *let that marinate*

It is hard and frustrating to have purpose, direction and goal. Yet fight individuals that can share, journey with and are enemies of the goals. Yet, the war must continue.

Since I was young I have known what I wanted and required. Even though I had to learn and tweek things growing up. The base was already there.

There was no follow the blueprint of my family. There was only my blueprint. All that you want someone just like your mother was some damn nonsense to me. I wanted a woman that was sexy, strong, understanding and submissive. (a weird female type indeed)  I was not like my male parental unit at all. My concept of family was only my own. And my wife and others that I have loved have little similarity to the female parental unit besides cooking.

I have walked the darkness, while being the light for others since the beginning. To embrace my darkness fully once I got older and evolved into something even darker. Thoughts of having two subs/slaves, a wife that is a sub or any combination there of had not been in play then. Nor the strength of this need to give release to pain and pleasure that I have pent up inside of me.

Having been a late bloomer as they call it I saw things differently. And realized just how complicated a woman I needed. That sex appeal, intelligence, alpha female attitude combined with super freaky, kinkiness with a dark connection. The gates opened wide for me once I met my wife though. Because then it was a regular level of freakiness I could have and keep.  I wonder how much more intense would we have been if I was into bdsm fully back then.

Being a Dom has always been natural. Even before I took ownership of those actions. It brought me pleasure, joy and satisfaction. Like the times with Em when I would release her for play after denial sessions. The joy on her face and passion made me smile fully. Those moments solidified my joy, desire and dedication.

The thing that I have craved to find is that woman that can handle me fully. The one that can handle the forced orgasms and I can let the sadist I keep in check out in me. I have heard the comments about how they can take this and that. But I know what I keep in super max inside of me. So I flog, paddle and spank with attention to their safety as I should. But damn, a woman that I can let it all go would be Awesome!

Looking at the candidates, the interests and all. I just have to shake my head in wonder.

Will the only way I have the woman I need is to invoke

PROJECT BUILD A BITCH


Let me return to the fiery, congested storms of my mind

R & B Thinking

I have never been one to be deeply into the slow jams. To be honest if I wasn't with a woman then I don't normally listen to any R&B. lol

The use of lyrics and accompaniment to express the joy, pain, pleasure and hatred of love and relationships. So much to be said and yet so much of the same thing barely said in a different way.

I have to laugh now because my previous lack of social skills has led me to be extremely straight forward when it comes to relations. The same straight truth that scares and makes females wonder why is the same lie that they speak to themselves saying that they want to hear and know the truth. But they claim to want truth, honesty and straight forward. Yet, they cringe in the darkness. Hiding from themselves and the ability to live, love and be themselves.

So the labyrinth of love, their minds and actions remain.

So I say and show you I Love You. And you run away. Telling me that something has to be wrong. Trying to come up with any excuse to make it a pipe dream. No, I know what I want, need and decide on it. I am not afraid to give that love and caring effect to the ones I feel that for and with.

But still, I merely sit back and watch the death of relations and the epitaph of love.

Cue the eerie music and evil laughter.

I know how I feel

Analyzing and  application

Checked my list

It felt right

Common ground

Joined characteristics

Balanced so effectively

See

The sex is great

Conversation flows effortlessly

Twisted joviality

Checklist complete

Heart held open

My soul says

Soul mate found

Considering my affinity for music. *lol* This song is one I feel and definitely speaks volumes. 

Mind and Ink Lost in this Eastwood Flow

head bouncing

moving through the valley

nothing to grasp

whip in hand

needs calling

body craving

lost in this need for

ultimate sadistic release

slaps

chokes

restricted orgasmic tasks

beating with no mercy

the flow is

taken on it's own

as I am lost in it's undertow

just let me

let me 

let go

Video Thoughts of the Evening

This is the groove and move that I am in this moment. Feeling this song on so many levels right now. And always have loved it.