Top of the Morning to You

Eminem playing in the kitchen and Prince in the living room.

Preparing for this weeks unseen things. Time to stand upon the ramparts and attack, attack and attack again.

Standing here among the attititudes, moods and occlussions. Time to start another week.

More power to situational responses and emotional applications.

Have a great day, morning and week.


*singing*  "Is anybody out there?"

If You Are Happy and You Know It....SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

I have been asked, spoken to about being happy. Some have asked what makes me happy. Some wonder if I am ever happy. And there is why can't I be happy all the time?

Previously I was happy most of the time but that time and circumstance allowed me to be that way then. Regardless of hardships, disagreements and more. I remained genuinely happy all the time.

I am anger and angry black man. That is a part of me. It is the blood that courses through my veins. It is used for energy, focus and many other things. It is a part of me.

Can you make me happy? Yes, you can and I will tell in what way and the results.

Now...

What I won't claim is happiness most of the time now. I understand happiness will come mystically at times in my life. Like ruptured dimensional holes. Open for a brief moment and then repaired.

The possibility of happiness is there. And there are a very very few times I am allowed to enjoy happiness. And those times I take and cherish. I love, enjoy and miss those times even.

But, reality is that there will be very little happiness. Even from those people and things that you want to always expect that can and will provide it. Contradictory to my past but a very hard lesson learned these last couple years.

The song says, "Don't worry, be happy." That is the song for you.

Mine says, "Don't worry happiness is on it's own fucked up schedule. So don't count on it." lol And knowing is half the battle.


So, seize all the happiness that you can and enjoy every minute of it.
Be happy
Be Happy
Be Happy


As for me *chunking the deuce and a head nod*

The Age of Apocalypse...Week in Review

To say that it has not been a long, trying, difficult, rough and mentally draining week would be the ultimate lie.

Sitting here listening to a Prince mix while eating pound cake and super deep in thought analysis and tactics.

I am not a Prince ultra fan like redvelvet but I have my reasons why I like and have listened to my favorites from him. A exceptional artist and musicians. Even though I had the discussion with Paul at the shop about Prince being a musician and he disagreed, to say that he was an entertainer. I saw why Paul said that based on his age and being a devout jazz musician forever. Simple disagreement. But Prince has sung quite a few things that drum up memories. And his death signified a true death to womanhood. *you would have to truly know me to understand*

The week has been one of;

• Agitation
• Shock and awe
• Service
• Knowledge
• Reflection in existence

I didn't think that the bdsm conference would dig deeper than it had already into the week. To actually to come into active existence. Truly Men and from Mars (Saturn for me) and females are from Venus.

The discussion was about the differences in communication, understanding and application. I say things directly and they are taken to mean something that I didn't say because of perceived feelings and my overwhelming existence. From redvelvet's disbelief and flight from my proposal years ago to the current situation of feelings of inadequacy.  The signs have been there and dropping bombs. I communicate directly, mostly military style, I am not politically correct and my demeanor is not one of the fucking Partridge Family.

Things that have been messed up during communications:

• Being with me takes a sustained and maintained effort, interest and actions. 
• If I have not told you things that needed to be fixed and/or you are doing things wrong. Then we are fine
• Either you have value or you do not. My words and actions convey those things.
• If we are still communicating then there is still hope for you
• My love is just as strong and potent as my apathy.
• Either you understand you have a meaning to me since I communicate with you and more or you worry about how everyone else is treated and join them
• I have your back, want the best for you and will do what I can for you as long as you remain in one of the three circles of my life

So what females here from me is many times nowhere near what I said to them. It is what they think or interpret from how I said it and all this other stuff. 

If I truly maintain or have an interest in you then I will ask questions, talk in order to get to know you. That is what the humans do. Since I can't just club bitches and drag them here to be mine anymore. One of my few expectations of females and humans is that if there is an interest that they ask, talk and find out about me. The trend seems to portray something totally different though. They think they can predict, know and understand me fully. There is only one that can truly come close to that. I thought redvelvet would be the one in the inner circle and have that understanding. It hasn't happened that way. 

The concept of feelings and emotions.

Yes, I do feel and have emotions. I just don't share or extend them at all to anyone regularly. Unless you show me that it is warranted and wanted then I will continue along with not even a beep on the ekg showing I give a fuck. Because, that is what is wanted in society. And why wouldn't I make females feel more comfortable when being me?  So, I let go of those notions and actions. And the results are....females are happy and more comfortable since they don't have to be confronted with, see or feel anything from me. Or look at their inability to feel and show and give emotions. 

Why is it this way? Because of vulnerability and past experiences. I have been compared over and over again to whoever they have dated, been with or around before. When it is right there in their face the differences. Shown, said and revealed. But there will continue to be comparisons between me and their males and them and who I have been with previously. All of it has no bearing to things currently. But, I realized I cannot make them unlearn this trait without some unethical operations. 

I will continue the path that I am on. If they want to join me then it is easy. Otherwise the sliding scale will remain in use for their comfort ability.

D/s and Me.

I have looked at things and have grown a whole damn lot. The listening to and interacting with those with long term dynamics definitely help. I have even been able to talk to some young ladies about the beginning of their journey into submission and D/s.  No veteran at all. Hell, I am doing my best going through things. Mistakes have been made here and there but I have learned them.  I ended up on a poly situation that I had not intention of being in and wasn't seeking. But it has created a catalyst for me to see differences and similarities in submissive females. To be able to apply behavior modifications more effectively. 

With little one and flower child I have seen a submissive side that is more accepting but still with it's things to conquer. Because this lifestyle really is about understanding and knowing who you have decided to get involved with. And I understand more now than ever how they said, "you have to like and be attracted to who you are with," because with out that I am ready to demote everyone when things are not where and how they should be. Adjustments in protocols, requirements, initial agreements and making sure to be super thorough have been some hard learns.  But they have been receptive to things which is a good thing. I just learned what I will need to do if I choose to do this again with anyone. 

D/s has made me be able to understand things more clearly. Disconnect more the things I use to be connected to. Establish relation level equivalencies. 

In General.

Their daughter will be moving and i am glad. When she does I won't be seeing her again and until the parental units get here I will be at peace. 

My counseling skills are still up to par. lol Not necessarily a good thing per se for me. But hey, the females are glad and happy for it. 

I use to seek comfort in the woman that I loved the most and wanted to be the most with me. I learned the folly of my ways and will stick to not having that type of ultimate comfort. More alcohol, food and traveling it is then!

Agree with Ru. It is time for the type of fun and laughter that I need. So at some point between her trips, parties and all. The Road Warriors will be hanging out. And I will be fully entertained again!

So...

I am fine. Fully armed and armored up. I have home made pound cake. Had a roast beef and provolone grill cheese. Will be having fresh shrimp in something tomorrow. lol  And making the moves necessary for my team to remain outstanding. 

A Great is Gone...Prince

It is hard to believe that he has died. A true musical genius. I may not liked every single thing he made but a whole lot of them. Hell, I grew up listening to many of his songs.

This is the song that holds most meaning from him to me. A song that was on the Chocolate Doll and Chocolatezeus theme album.

Dedicated to you Chocolate Doll. At least you will have someone to sing to you now there.

Rest in Peace

Poetic Moment: San Andrea Fault

San Andrea Fault

Never saw the warning

Bullshit

I ignored them from the start

That blaring Ultraman beeping alarm

Cracked foundations

Permeated with rotten corpses

Holes punctured in Noah’s ark

Desolation the only constant

Fraudulent fantasies

Centered on

Dating and relationship

Ideologies

Swallowed whole

By 26 on Richter scale of the heart

Chasms opened wide

A black hole swallowing hole

Heart, soul and positive vibe

Mistakes

Monkey Bitches

My fault

Like Dr Dre’s Aftermath

Devastation

Unforgettable applications

Death Row is it’s name

Such wonderful art

Ending in

My laughter

Unshocked flat line

And a fuck you

And your mind

Take your time

I will enjoy your

Rigormortis of heart, soul and mind

Until

That permanent flat line

My smile gleams

All bright

From the chocolatezeus collection  4/21/16  ©

Can You?

Can You?

Make me want you

Remember who you are

What you can do

Create that unparalleled lust for you

Where your body and skills

Are wanted constantly

Create an astral link

Where mentally I stay with you

Thinking, caring and concerned

For you

Getting to know me and you

Where we grow closer

Wanting to be permanent

Together as two

But I see

Staring blankly

Inability

Lack of

Importance to

You

So

Thank you

From the chocolatezeus collection  4/20/16  ©

Dating: The Clusterfuck Adventure

So Ru and I are talking about dating and what is and has gone with us. Truly, a part of our Live's Unscripted. lol

Ru has wanted me to show her how to compartmentalize and turn off feelings. I have promptly said no to that repeatedly even though I understand the reasoning. The compartmentalization doesn't always work. There are times when I allow a specific feeling for someone come up. But it is rare thankfully. She needs to continue to feel and live.While my feelings are not there it makes it difficult for others.

Even our scenarios now are beyond the norm of our Life Unscripted. We are at our crossroads with our timeline and looking at things wondering. WTF  But the battle, war and clusterfuck continues. We have talked about it and wanted the best for each other. But we are looking at the reality of our situations. *hysterical laughter*

I always hated dating before I got married. And after having a great and successful marriage I detest dating even more. It is such a quagmire when it is not necessary. The hiding and fear in attempting to have something of a meaningful relationship is at huge proportions.

My dating adventures have been fucking disasterous. Ru and I have sat back laughing at all of them. Because after realizing how badly things are when it comes to dating all we can do is laugh at the shit and just be ourselves and enjoy what we can out of life and FUCK the rest.

More laughter for the Road Warriors. Always on deck

Dating...yeah I guess it is still something people claim to do


*laughing hysterically*

Kiss from the Other Side

Kiss from the Other Side

You rest in peace

Within my heart and mind

My soul still yearns

The tears now dried

Thankful

Amidst the longing

Just missing you

For who you were

And what you brought

You showed

What womanhood was about

Blueprint to

What a woman is and should want

I smiled at the memories

The things that are forever imprinted

You became your symbol

Eternity

Countered experiences

Broken disbelief

You ended

The impossibilities

Your replacement

Will never be

And I will never ever

Seek

But you left the

Benchmark

The ultimate level

Acceptance of less

Means that there is nothing

Merely the enjoyment

Of whatever is taken

As I see your smile

Hear your laughter

You still surround me

Reaching to the sky

Cupping your face

For just one more kiss

With

The Best of the Best

From the chocolatezeus collection  4/20/16  ©

Health Update

So they did blood lab work and injected me with my anthrax this morning.

Amazingly I got the results back a moment ago.

My diabetes is a little better.
Blood worst.
Some other stuff that I have is still worst.
And my cholesterol and stuff are lower than normal again.

So I will see the doctor next week and have him explain everything to me as always.

I will be glad when I can get back to the gym again. Still fucking strange to say regardless.

So good news basically.

Letter to You, Yes You

I opened up and gave you the impossible gift of my vulnerability. Expressed, showed and told you things that only the person in m inner samctum knows.

Trust was allowed with you, a female. Another astounding feat. But, it is what was called for.

From the moment I stopped fighting and made my decision to date you I saw past everything. The weirdness, the closed off, emotionless actions as well as the holy grail things.

Your vision is clouded in this fog of inability to believe. The fear of vulnerability. A loss of control and previous experiences.

You as a whole is what has been sought. Your passion, attentive, love and submission. And in this journey the struggle has been most evident. Your walls have been to the heavens and your deadly traps have been the deadliest.

So against my better judgement. I agreed with you to let time pass. So, maybe you could grow into and with me.  As much as it caused me to lock up everything. It helped you a bit, just as you had said. At least to a point of considering something.

Never have I wanted or asked you to be anyone other than yourself. Even when it seemed that you were pushing me somewhere else. Or saying that there is someone better for me every now and then.

Still, I see the possibility and benefit if you choose to see it also, accept and feel it. That is a choice that you will have to make. Mine has been made and implemented in all aspects. The outcome lies with you now.

Connected of mindfucked. There are aspects here and there. The tendrils lay between us. Just not as strongly as either of us want it apparently. It is something that both of us have to do our part to make happen.

I wanted my woman, my companion and my submissive. All in one ultimate effect. And what I wanted with you is still there somewhere present. Ready if you are ever ready.

As we sit here in your time after time progression. I understand now only time will let you move forward and nothing else will help that. I am not full of patience. I know what I want and am willing to achieve it.

Until something happens I will be here like George Gervin.

Your Submission to Me

When it comes to submitting to me it is not strictly about serving me. It is about the whole journey.

What do I mean?

Concern about your growth, learning and evolution is key and necessary for me.
It means that you have to want to, be open to and make the efforts to achieve the goals available.

How does this happen?

I challenge you to understand, feel and change To see where you are now and then see where you have gone to in the future. This is not an easy process. I have them fight me because they tell me that they dont' have the necessary mental Dominant connection that they need. Or that they are stuck on their previous relationships and want to apply everything they have experienced to me. in a negative way.

There are the ones that have invested feelings and emotions as a submissive and then there is the completely disconnect from emotions and feelings.

Each of the submissives and involvement with them has to be tailor made. Designed to see if it is going to work at all. So I have had to implement a time limit for things to work out. Check the progress of the submissives and attend to their needs.

Communicate with them daily in order to affect the proper attention that is required to them. From the micro managing aspect to just dealing with them concerning our dynamic and a few outside things and then just absolutely nothing concerning D/s at all basically. So the Gage is constantly on the move and adjusting.

So...

This thing is not about pussy or just you doing what I want. It is about a dynamic that has meaning and you have chosen to serve me as well understand my lead and goals that I have placed for us to seek.

If you are not feeling submission with me...then tell me.
If you are fighting against being submissive to me then...tell me and we can part ways.
If you want to be and be called my submissive then...open all of you, understand and make the efforts require to be.

D/s is not the easiest thing. And mistakes are made. Learning never stops. And there are bad times that go along with the good. But when you are dedicated, committed and focused.

D/s is a beautiful, wonderful and exemplary thing.

Love Poetry: Results of Love: Tanjian Style

Results of Love: Tanjian Style

I fell in love with you

The ultra-crazy and weirdness

Combined with

The sexy chocolate intelligence

In a blink of an eye

From strenuous

Analysis and evaluation

I fell

Wanted

Wanting

Even through hell’s kitchen

That lingering remained

A tiny bit laid beneath the

Fortress of solitude

I don’t begrudge

Or take back

My choice of vulnerability

For unlike others

I take action

I looked past

The mote, walls and labyrinth

Saw the things that

I want and needed

The things that are not

Evident

Especially to you

Apparently

Instead the beat remains

The beat of the kokoro drum

As I the Tanjian

Remains

Encased in carbonite

Titanium expression

Dining upon

Your heart, soul and blood

Love and passion

The train undone

Still the eye of agomotto sees

The sight remains

Revealed to me

I am just keeping the

Bands of cytorrak in place

Until and if

You actually

Choose to

Feel and see

It’s a Tanjian thing

From the chocolatezeus collection   4/17/16  ©

Happiness is

With the questions, concerns and other things from individuals that have come my way. I figured it would be best to give the Big Evil understanding version.

So with the help of Bad vs Evil playing in the background. Just going to give you the blunt force trauma now.

My happiness is situational since I am an adult and have to handle responsibilities and more. My happiness is a part of my scale as a whole. A check and balance system. So yes, when it is way out of balance things reflect it fully.

The list of things that make me and keep me happy:

• The Road Warrior Adventure
• lol the woman I love (yes this use to be first)
• travel
• sex, attention, passion
• traveling
• eating, drinking and good times
• my god daughter

Times change. People change. Even as I remain Bugs Bunny in King Arthur's court. (old school cartoons there for the younger ones).  But regardless of the changes there is a frame work that remains in place for me. 

lil red, little one, flower child and others have asked me if I am happy. I am fine is my answer. Maybe happiness will come again in time. If it doesn't then I will take the joys from the distant moments when they occur and then I will have more memories.

My happiness it not yours. Nor, it is something you will truly understand. Well everyone except Ru that is.

The last time I stayed happy was being married. Regardless of the ups and downs. Happiness was on deck. 

Now my happiness is cherished when it happens, since it has been few and far in between. 

But don't worry. I am not miserable or anything. It is like  a flatline. No activity until necessary. And I will be returning to part of my happy balance when I am back to disappearing on my travel trips shortly.  And it is time for the Road Warriors to get together before another benchmark event next year.

So, if you want me to be happy then set up your time to spend with me. LMFAO uh huh, I know better but I am just saying. 

I have my destination list going and I have already enjoyed the places i have already been. 

I am fine. So what does it take to make you happy?