Road Warrior Meeting: Emotional Content

Ru and I had a pow wow. We have had plenty talk about lately with everything going on in our lives.

But we went in on the subject of emotions. She was asking me how to get rid of them. As I told her unfortunately you can't get rid of them fully. You can compartmentalize and allow them to die like I have had in practice for a long time now.  But honestly she doesn't need to get rid of her emotions and feelings. Just a matter regrouping and reconstituting herself. Being able to shut those things off outside of giving to someone that may actually be worthy of it all.

She has been with me through every emotion and feeling I have experienced almost I think.

I really don't want her like me. Cold hearted and really disconnected. She doesn't need that no matter the pain that she has been put through. Once you reach this point then everything takes on a darkside perspective. And even though I know that she has that evil asshole streak. I think most of my women have that. Still, she has a big heart and needs to be able to express, show and keep that heart like that. I don't want her like females these days. Just hiding emotions and feelings while talking about how they are in so much control. Meanwhile they are lost, confused and conditioned to hate that they feel by other females, feminists and male haters.

So as I hope for the best and steer into a direction of the positive and the light. I am going to enjoy my dark, and evil nature.

Spoken Word Unscripted (Untitled)

when you just don't give a fuck
well, you use to give a fuck
now you are just like
what the fuck

brick and mortar
assaults cerebellums
with break neck speeds

cauterized effects
clipped apertures

distant memories
almost forgotten tones
of black snake moans
thunder twirling undertones

temperament
a sonic boom
established to the level
of the star killer moon

left
exposed
revealed

the unearthed
moment of truth



from the chocolatezeus collection   (c)  12/19/15

And Yes...This is a Star Wars Spoiler Post

Ok this is a spoiler so if you can't read then it is not my fault.

If I was someone that wasn't a fan of the movie I would enjoy it. It has a lot of action, some familiar faces and names. New characters and plenty of technical details.  Something for everyone to enjoy throughout the movie.

ok now as a Star Wars fan

that was some fucked up shit!

I mean we start off with characters that we don't know about and are not in the star wars universe originally. That is fine. But we really don't get any backstory on anyone except the black storm trooper finn. And they still didn't explain to us how they decided to start snatching children to be grown into storm troopers. The scavenger girl rey's story was even more vague than that. All we know is that she has force skills that are apparently naturally strong. So strong that she saw the connection of everything when she touched luke and vader's old light saber.  And then there is the poe pilot guy. umm we still have no idea about him other than he is their ace pilot and talks brashly during battles. hell, let's be real all the damn time.

Now I have read a bunch of star wars books. So I am pissed off at how they made han and leia solo's son a weak ass sith. Yeah he is at least on the darkside. But we don't really know what happened to turn him. Besides a mention of Luke skywalker and something going wrong at the academy he had before he dissapeared on sabatical. And the fact that kylo ren was han's son at least was a twist at first. But he looked too damn pretty play a sith lord.

Then to top all of this madness off you kill Han Solo. The one that looked the best from the original movies! Come on now.

Now the star fighter scenes were great. especially the precision strikes on the ground around han and chewie. They did well on those. the attack on the star killer was the re enactment of the attack on the death star. so that was recycled it seemed.

And we saw absolutely nothing of this captain phantasma chick who is supposed to be the head of the stormtroopers. wth

and all we get of luke skywalker is seeing him standing at the top of a mountain at the very end of the movie. Woosah

yeah this was still not as good as the episode 4 through 6

PSA: Those Things Called Important

Through communication there should be a shared importance upon things.

If there is no shown shared importance. Then address and act accordingly!!!

Deadpool vs Boba Fett. Epic Rap Battles of History - Bonus Battle! ONE OF MY FAVORITES

This has me rolling and laughing. I have watched it at least 5 times now.

The After Taste of Mourning

While I was at the cigar shop today I talked to Rich. It was good to see him. I hadn't caught up with him in a while. I just hadn't been in the shop really with being sick and everything.

His wife died this summer. So we have a common understanding and bond there. Even though the difference in him being considerably older than me, retired and white is there. We talk, laugh and share stories, cigars and convo.

Why do we have a common understanding?

My wife died in 2011. After being married a little over 2 years. And yes that was my first and only marriage. I was devastated, angry, numb and in limbo mentally. 

I dealt with things in my own way and style. Which is what I told Rich. Because people will think they are helping you when they are telling you to go the therapy, support groups and all that. They are not helping. They are really pissing you the fuck off. All they need to do is be supportive by saying that they are there if you need them and help you in applicable ways. 

The ability to deal with this type of tragedy is indescribable. It is being lost in your most familiar place that you have been at and enjoyed forever. Memories of things you did, experienced, watched or even ate with them can trigger emotional responses and memories. I found myself in tears a number of times for things I didn't even realize I saw that brought back memories of my wife. And I have watched Rich break down and hold the tears in the shop while dealing with the freshness of the pain. Like today when we were talking about the holiday. It is the first Christmas without his wife. And holidays are hardcore remembrance for you. To miss the things you would do together and the things you remember vividly. 

How did I deal with my loss?

I fucked the shit out of chicks.

I travelled

I ate

I drank

I stayed to myself

The first week right after my wife died. I finally got to fuck my old best friend for the first time. The pussy was good and it had been something I wanted since we were seniors in high school. (it would have been fulfilling my fantasy fully if I was able to fuck her before she cut her big, beautiful titties off.)  And then there was the issue of that she wasn't sucking dick until being in a relationship. oh well I will give that a C.

Then I fucked the sanford monkey bitch the night after that for the first time. I wore her little ass out to the point she begged me to stop fucking her. 

I wanted to fuck the ole greensboro swinger chick I use to fuck regularly but she didn't come until the day of the funeral. and I would have loved to fuck her and that girlfriend of hers again. Thick ass curvy bodies they had and squirting pussy. 

Of course I fucked up getting pussy when I went to the second funeral in philly. I could have had some pussy I never had a chance to fuck from the thieving monkey bitch days. I just didn't understand the message she had sent while we were at 4th street deli. And the super model chick that took me to the 76er game didn't come into my hotel room because we hadn't fucked in year and I wanted to turn her ass out again.

On the way back from philly I did get the maryland girls pussy the next day and some good head.

Then I was ready to hit the road and get it in. Traveling to ohio for some more squirting pussy. Fucking the detroit chick. Then to chicago for the fake ass east chicago monkey bitch to flake once again. 

And then I took the fuckfest into overdrive and if we fucked I was trying to kill you, your pussy and mouth. I left my marks and myself etched in their souls when I was done. 

I think I traveled for like 8 months or so. Just going everywhere from Jamaica to everywhere in between. 

The other way I dealt with things is just letting myself process at my speed. Everyone was so concerned about me because I didn't do a lot of crying around them or show emotion. I let them see me crying at the viewing of her body and both funerals. Other than that I didn't need them seeing me like that or hearing their comments in those moments. 

If I felt emotion I let it happen. Whether it was driving by the bus stop where she would catch the bus in front of our complex or seeing the ben and jerrys we went to the day she died. I didn't stop it from happening. So many tears and sobbing happened while I was driving. 

My anger was on overload. Egged on by people who thought they were helping by saying something to me when I have said I am fine. or the parental units telling me they are not coming to the funeral because the obituary of my wife had cleavage in it. 

When it comes down to it. You have to figure out your own path and way to handle things. And it doesn't come immediately. It doesn't all happen at once. And just because other people think you should do this or that doesn't make it applicable to you. These are some of the things I had to tell Rich. Because I saw the anger and being pissed and agitated with people when he just wanted them to STFU and give him space. 

Loss and Mourning has no blueprint. It is a reactionary and uncharted territory that is never the same for any two people.

EVER!!

The Application Process

This is the long and impossible journey to find someone or those that can be the right candidate for being mine. It is a journey that has been filled with most of the applications going directly into the shredder but what can you expect with dating these days.

I am a super sexed, stubborn, difficult, intelligent, evil, black caveman. Yes, there are plenty of other things to add to that but I will keep it short for now.

As a man we are taught to pursue females. And I did that back in the day. Well, I gave it the boy scout try I will say. Total failure! I was mr nice guy and a gentleman and all that shit. And I got being a friend and girlfriend for the efforts. I had to accept that wasn't me and stop being a nice guy and just be myself. The man that people don't really understand or have a clue about.

So what are the things on the application that have to be there for them to be looked at:

• intelligent
• loving
• diverse
• able to communicate
• sexual dynamo
• caring
• understanding
• able to truly focus
• able to think outside the box
• their own woman in thought, action and principle
• bdsm and kink appropriate

Why yes I am a super horny damn man. I love fucking sex. And I only want more of it the older I get. I have been a swinger for 14 years. That doesn't mean I think with my dick. Or that just because you look good and are fuckable that I will even remember you have a name or even be interested. You still need to have a damn lot more going on to be more than a throw away fuck toy.

Intelligence and communication is important because if I can't talk to you and we express ourselves then I am going to discard you like trash in my yard. That doesn't mean you have to have knowledge of everything I am into or know about. But at least be able to speak and listen if I mention things.

One of the hardest things are accepting me, being their self and able to focus on a relationship. It is like jumping from the earth to the moon in these aspects it seems for females. I am not asking them to be someone other than their self. And I just want them to be able to understand and be with me just being myself.

So these decades of applicants have provided one candidate and solution so far. And I kept that one until she died. 

Maybe the solution is not to take applications anymore and just become a mercenary. 

Relations, Relate...Wait, What?

Considering Ru and I discussing our relationship or relation status, history and all. We had to laugh at how Life Unscripted has excelled exponentially in those areas.

In her noticing the changes in me, my outlook, importance and concern lately. And me watching her fight things, then deal with things currently. It is a trip that many base in the line of pure madness. And, I can't say that they are not correct in that.

As I spoke to lil red the other day about things. I use to fight for and attempt to cultivate relations. Because to me if it was important, you put forth the effort to achieve and maintain it. That was before I realized the state of relations today. The keyword is RELATE and that is something that is dead and apparently long gone. There is no need to relate because that forms a tie to someone that allows for vulnerability. And in todays de-evolved society we see how important it is to only give the facade and not actually put an effort in.

So when Ru asked me have I gone back to how I use to be in dating. I have to say I haven't. I have actually went to the point of pi in the social scene. The beginning point where you interact and observe while formulating a plan against all enemies.

lil red had made the comment that it all sounds so depressing. it really isn't. It is doing the same thing that humans are doing. I am just doing it differently. The same results occur. Indifference, disposable, viable opportunities.

I am still that super loving and caring man. Just that love and caring is locked down in a negative zone prison now. And if you know from marvel comics, getting out of there is a feat of outstanding effort.

As I sit back and watch the relations, relationships of today. Watching the orbits wane and decay.

All I can say is, "thank god for the Death Star baby, baby!!!"

Marvel's Disaster Called Jessica Jones

This was a hot mess.

It was like they took a drunk alcoholic female from that awful show sex in the city and through it with some lesbians and a rendition of 50 shades of wtf together.

First off coming out with a character that barely anyone if at all knew of was a risky move in itself. But to do it and then drag out getting to know the main character so long that you are annoyed and bored is the key to making sure people hate your production. There is no true backstory on who jessica is really until almost half way through. And by then you are just lost in the fact that she is a snide, fucked up asshole that is annoying.

The villian aka the purple man I was really dissapointed about. With all the ability to control minds and his limited ability to think on a grander scale even though he is so highly intelligent really sucked. And David Tennet played a good Dr Who too, which really makes this sad. But his character here was just seen as someone who wanted to create domestic violence as I read some females respond.

I wasnt expecting excessive action. Hell, let's be honest I wasn't expecting any action at all in this film. just some shakespeare maybe. The fight with jessica and Luke Cage was ok but it really didn't grasp anything to be desired.

The few intriguing things was that it opened the door to seeing what Luke Cage is like on the screen and whoever rosario dawson alluded to in the end of the season as knowing a hero.

With background characters in the cast that wouldn't fit together if they were all on the same piece of paper. This was a serious mess. There was nothing to grab your attention at all. And nothing to keep your attention at all as well.

This series was a flop. They should have started with something more important. Or something that worked. After hitting it off with Daredevil. A believable and down to earth character, script and cast. Then this sinking, stagnant garbage

This was twelve episodes of unentertaining drama, very little suspense, some action and a whole lot of cookie cutter style of thinking like crap shows like empire has done.

drop the gay, lesbian, racial and sex forumla and do something that is orginal.

This was pure garbage!

Poetic Lustful Intent: My Box of Chocolate

My Box of Chocolate

From the very first moment

I saw your chocolate skin

Dipped in sexiness

Garnished in curviness

My lust

Licked it’s lips

Prepared to devour

And lay waste to this

Seductive display

I desired a buffet

A continuous meal for one

To feed my ravenous hunger

Is beyond a full time job

So I licked

Sucked and twisted each

Beautifully perfect nipple

Tuning them to my attention

Making them stand erect

And honor their knew master

That moment

Where time stood still

As I attempted to get my

Appetizer started of you

Laid bare across the conference room table

Eating with desire

Your juices flowing and dripping

Leaving only your moans and sounds of

Your cum hitting the carpet

I opened the box that day not so long ago

I found the delights I craved

I won’t apologize

I don’t give a damn

Feed me

Hours need to turn into days

Of wanton fucking

As my lust permeates the atomic table

I do not want to leave any traces of you for examination

Dining

Penetrating

Hitting and slapping

Clit sucking and smacking

My box of chocolate

Now open

And there is no closing it again

The lust open

No longer will I hold it at bay

It’s time

You want it

And I want it

Unleashed completely

So let

Swollen pussy lips

Tears dripping from cheeks

Tied up predicaments

And repeated and continued

Eruptions

Begin

And never end

Fuck like being like a box of chocolates

I am going to fuck you

Until your thoughts

Cave in

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/9/15  ©

The Sliding Scale

Hmm, thanksgiving has passed and christmas is next. Honestly, there is no relevance to these things and me. The keys to holidays being relevant are gone and the current application are nowhere to be seen. So, I am barren in the spirit as they say. Just here is the phrase that says it all and always lately.

Merle was talking to me in the cigar shop yesterday about buddhism and the monks teachings. They always pick at me because I am angry. But it is all in good fun. Merle was talking about having me stand behind him as he talks to the new thai fiancee. still can't believe he has to marry her before she has been here 90 days but that is something else. So he is talking to me about not being angry and letting things go. And most importantly the balance of yourself and life. And I do remember some of the teachings of Buddhism and things from back in the day. But balance I know a lot about. 

I never knew this would be as hard as college level vulcan arithmetic. 

Balance is what keeps me from destroying all being mode. When I am completely in balance with outlets, therapy and all in place. Things bother me but very rarely does it even register that much on the scale. But honestly that hasn't truly been in place since I was married.  And I miss and need it. 

My balance can be very simple. If there is someone that I am comfortable with to be close to and love deeply in my life. Just talking to them, being around them and with them will bring that balance and comfort. that shelter from the storm. But I have found that doesn't work unless the person that is the subject of my comfort and peace can't handle it or understand it. Then it becomes a disillusioned hindrance. All I need is for them to be themselves, talk to me and have a good interaction.  So when this blew up in my face this year I had to adjust as best as I could. 

My adjustment went to relying completely on being at the cigar shop, smoking, drinking and eating. Mixed in with writing, reading and watching things. Combined together they helped but they have not solved the issue or covered the wound.

It is apparent that currently that the more that progresses, the more unattached I become. And I guess that is because of attempts at development recently and their outcome. Either way the scale is in motion and it has stayed in motion. 

I honestly have to say right now. I miss the old times, the people that I could enjoy and my wife. Just better times. Then I hear chocolate dolls ass talking about I told you to do better and be happy. blah blah blah. just keep haunting me and shut up!

*to infinity and beyond...I am the result of the black hole gang*

Angry Man Implosion

I do what I have to. I do what I must.

What I won't do is continue.

Right now I am somewhere I have never experienced I think.

It is like combining World War Hulk and Deadpool with Doomsday.

I want to destroy the universe!


all of this because of duty.


*the banging and the white noise*

Spoken Word: The Curse of Ares

Curse of Ares

My shear existence is

Carnage and chaos

Feeder of the carrion

I am that whirlwind of destruction

The karmic blend of love and hate

The natural disaster that you hate but it fascinates you

Rage and anger

Replace necessary life sustaining evidence

Cold slab of emotion and the fire pits of hell

Rule my heart and soul

Yet among

The rubble, destruction and scorched universe

There is this yearning

This one available place

That glows brightly

The spot for

The One

The One is

The person that balances the scales

Of the Beast of hell and deeper hells

A channel, purpose and shield for the living

Yet this position is not easy

Nor has it been maintained or even attained

Rarely

The mantle has been given

One queen has reigned

Another chooses her fate

I honestly can’t blame them

Then tentative applications are great

The focus of passion, intensity, love and a malignancy for other beings

Daunting to undertake

To fathom even

History has paved the way

Monkey bitches

Pretenders

Quitters

Fear has gripped them

Inability to understand

That this adventure is one that is

Life unscripted to the nth degree

The curse has been emblazoned upon me

From the beginning

The inability and division

To understand and be understood

Or connect on this human like emotional plane

To make them so comfortable that

They run to me and exclaim

Their need and love to live fully

Together among eternity

With the pain and finality

I remain steadfast in my purpose and duty

Even as a part of me misses

Wants and needs

That One

The One

To balance and tilt

This scale of darkness

To one again of normalcy

My curse looks

Smiles

And continues it’s

Haunting laughter

To

And of

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/7/15  ©