The After Taste of Mourning

While I was at the cigar shop today I talked to Rich. It was good to see him. I hadn't caught up with him in a while. I just hadn't been in the shop really with being sick and everything.

His wife died this summer. So we have a common understanding and bond there. Even though the difference in him being considerably older than me, retired and white is there. We talk, laugh and share stories, cigars and convo.

Why do we have a common understanding?

My wife died in 2011. After being married a little over 2 years. And yes that was my first and only marriage. I was devastated, angry, numb and in limbo mentally. 

I dealt with things in my own way and style. Which is what I told Rich. Because people will think they are helping you when they are telling you to go the therapy, support groups and all that. They are not helping. They are really pissing you the fuck off. All they need to do is be supportive by saying that they are there if you need them and help you in applicable ways. 

The ability to deal with this type of tragedy is indescribable. It is being lost in your most familiar place that you have been at and enjoyed forever. Memories of things you did, experienced, watched or even ate with them can trigger emotional responses and memories. I found myself in tears a number of times for things I didn't even realize I saw that brought back memories of my wife. And I have watched Rich break down and hold the tears in the shop while dealing with the freshness of the pain. Like today when we were talking about the holiday. It is the first Christmas without his wife. And holidays are hardcore remembrance for you. To miss the things you would do together and the things you remember vividly. 

How did I deal with my loss?

I fucked the shit out of chicks.

I travelled

I ate

I drank

I stayed to myself

The first week right after my wife died. I finally got to fuck my old best friend for the first time. The pussy was good and it had been something I wanted since we were seniors in high school. (it would have been fulfilling my fantasy fully if I was able to fuck her before she cut her big, beautiful titties off.)  And then there was the issue of that she wasn't sucking dick until being in a relationship. oh well I will give that a C.

Then I fucked the sanford monkey bitch the night after that for the first time. I wore her little ass out to the point she begged me to stop fucking her. 

I wanted to fuck the ole greensboro swinger chick I use to fuck regularly but she didn't come until the day of the funeral. and I would have loved to fuck her and that girlfriend of hers again. Thick ass curvy bodies they had and squirting pussy. 

Of course I fucked up getting pussy when I went to the second funeral in philly. I could have had some pussy I never had a chance to fuck from the thieving monkey bitch days. I just didn't understand the message she had sent while we were at 4th street deli. And the super model chick that took me to the 76er game didn't come into my hotel room because we hadn't fucked in year and I wanted to turn her ass out again.

On the way back from philly I did get the maryland girls pussy the next day and some good head.

Then I was ready to hit the road and get it in. Traveling to ohio for some more squirting pussy. Fucking the detroit chick. Then to chicago for the fake ass east chicago monkey bitch to flake once again. 

And then I took the fuckfest into overdrive and if we fucked I was trying to kill you, your pussy and mouth. I left my marks and myself etched in their souls when I was done. 

I think I traveled for like 8 months or so. Just going everywhere from Jamaica to everywhere in between. 

The other way I dealt with things is just letting myself process at my speed. Everyone was so concerned about me because I didn't do a lot of crying around them or show emotion. I let them see me crying at the viewing of her body and both funerals. Other than that I didn't need them seeing me like that or hearing their comments in those moments. 

If I felt emotion I let it happen. Whether it was driving by the bus stop where she would catch the bus in front of our complex or seeing the ben and jerrys we went to the day she died. I didn't stop it from happening. So many tears and sobbing happened while I was driving. 

My anger was on overload. Egged on by people who thought they were helping by saying something to me when I have said I am fine. or the parental units telling me they are not coming to the funeral because the obituary of my wife had cleavage in it. 

When it comes down to it. You have to figure out your own path and way to handle things. And it doesn't come immediately. It doesn't all happen at once. And just because other people think you should do this or that doesn't make it applicable to you. These are some of the things I had to tell Rich. Because I saw the anger and being pissed and agitated with people when he just wanted them to STFU and give him space. 

Loss and Mourning has no blueprint. It is a reactionary and uncharted territory that is never the same for any two people.

EVER!!

The Application Process

This is the long and impossible journey to find someone or those that can be the right candidate for being mine. It is a journey that has been filled with most of the applications going directly into the shredder but what can you expect with dating these days.

I am a super sexed, stubborn, difficult, intelligent, evil, black caveman. Yes, there are plenty of other things to add to that but I will keep it short for now.

As a man we are taught to pursue females. And I did that back in the day. Well, I gave it the boy scout try I will say. Total failure! I was mr nice guy and a gentleman and all that shit. And I got being a friend and girlfriend for the efforts. I had to accept that wasn't me and stop being a nice guy and just be myself. The man that people don't really understand or have a clue about.

So what are the things on the application that have to be there for them to be looked at:

• intelligent
• loving
• diverse
• able to communicate
• sexual dynamo
• caring
• understanding
• able to truly focus
• able to think outside the box
• their own woman in thought, action and principle
• bdsm and kink appropriate

Why yes I am a super horny damn man. I love fucking sex. And I only want more of it the older I get. I have been a swinger for 14 years. That doesn't mean I think with my dick. Or that just because you look good and are fuckable that I will even remember you have a name or even be interested. You still need to have a damn lot more going on to be more than a throw away fuck toy.

Intelligence and communication is important because if I can't talk to you and we express ourselves then I am going to discard you like trash in my yard. That doesn't mean you have to have knowledge of everything I am into or know about. But at least be able to speak and listen if I mention things.

One of the hardest things are accepting me, being their self and able to focus on a relationship. It is like jumping from the earth to the moon in these aspects it seems for females. I am not asking them to be someone other than their self. And I just want them to be able to understand and be with me just being myself.

So these decades of applicants have provided one candidate and solution so far. And I kept that one until she died. 

Maybe the solution is not to take applications anymore and just become a mercenary. 

Relations, Relate...Wait, What?

Considering Ru and I discussing our relationship or relation status, history and all. We had to laugh at how Life Unscripted has excelled exponentially in those areas.

In her noticing the changes in me, my outlook, importance and concern lately. And me watching her fight things, then deal with things currently. It is a trip that many base in the line of pure madness. And, I can't say that they are not correct in that.

As I spoke to lil red the other day about things. I use to fight for and attempt to cultivate relations. Because to me if it was important, you put forth the effort to achieve and maintain it. That was before I realized the state of relations today. The keyword is RELATE and that is something that is dead and apparently long gone. There is no need to relate because that forms a tie to someone that allows for vulnerability. And in todays de-evolved society we see how important it is to only give the facade and not actually put an effort in.

So when Ru asked me have I gone back to how I use to be in dating. I have to say I haven't. I have actually went to the point of pi in the social scene. The beginning point where you interact and observe while formulating a plan against all enemies.

lil red had made the comment that it all sounds so depressing. it really isn't. It is doing the same thing that humans are doing. I am just doing it differently. The same results occur. Indifference, disposable, viable opportunities.

I am still that super loving and caring man. Just that love and caring is locked down in a negative zone prison now. And if you know from marvel comics, getting out of there is a feat of outstanding effort.

As I sit back and watch the relations, relationships of today. Watching the orbits wane and decay.

All I can say is, "thank god for the Death Star baby, baby!!!"

Marvel's Disaster Called Jessica Jones

This was a hot mess.

It was like they took a drunk alcoholic female from that awful show sex in the city and through it with some lesbians and a rendition of 50 shades of wtf together.

First off coming out with a character that barely anyone if at all knew of was a risky move in itself. But to do it and then drag out getting to know the main character so long that you are annoyed and bored is the key to making sure people hate your production. There is no true backstory on who jessica is really until almost half way through. And by then you are just lost in the fact that she is a snide, fucked up asshole that is annoying.

The villian aka the purple man I was really dissapointed about. With all the ability to control minds and his limited ability to think on a grander scale even though he is so highly intelligent really sucked. And David Tennet played a good Dr Who too, which really makes this sad. But his character here was just seen as someone who wanted to create domestic violence as I read some females respond.

I wasnt expecting excessive action. Hell, let's be honest I wasn't expecting any action at all in this film. just some shakespeare maybe. The fight with jessica and Luke Cage was ok but it really didn't grasp anything to be desired.

The few intriguing things was that it opened the door to seeing what Luke Cage is like on the screen and whoever rosario dawson alluded to in the end of the season as knowing a hero.

With background characters in the cast that wouldn't fit together if they were all on the same piece of paper. This was a serious mess. There was nothing to grab your attention at all. And nothing to keep your attention at all as well.

This series was a flop. They should have started with something more important. Or something that worked. After hitting it off with Daredevil. A believable and down to earth character, script and cast. Then this sinking, stagnant garbage

This was twelve episodes of unentertaining drama, very little suspense, some action and a whole lot of cookie cutter style of thinking like crap shows like empire has done.

drop the gay, lesbian, racial and sex forumla and do something that is orginal.

This was pure garbage!

Poetic Lustful Intent: My Box of Chocolate

My Box of Chocolate

From the very first moment

I saw your chocolate skin

Dipped in sexiness

Garnished in curviness

My lust

Licked it’s lips

Prepared to devour

And lay waste to this

Seductive display

I desired a buffet

A continuous meal for one

To feed my ravenous hunger

Is beyond a full time job

So I licked

Sucked and twisted each

Beautifully perfect nipple

Tuning them to my attention

Making them stand erect

And honor their knew master

That moment

Where time stood still

As I attempted to get my

Appetizer started of you

Laid bare across the conference room table

Eating with desire

Your juices flowing and dripping

Leaving only your moans and sounds of

Your cum hitting the carpet

I opened the box that day not so long ago

I found the delights I craved

I won’t apologize

I don’t give a damn

Feed me

Hours need to turn into days

Of wanton fucking

As my lust permeates the atomic table

I do not want to leave any traces of you for examination

Dining

Penetrating

Hitting and slapping

Clit sucking and smacking

My box of chocolate

Now open

And there is no closing it again

The lust open

No longer will I hold it at bay

It’s time

You want it

And I want it

Unleashed completely

So let

Swollen pussy lips

Tears dripping from cheeks

Tied up predicaments

And repeated and continued

Eruptions

Begin

And never end

Fuck like being like a box of chocolates

I am going to fuck you

Until your thoughts

Cave in

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/9/15  ©

The Sliding Scale

Hmm, thanksgiving has passed and christmas is next. Honestly, there is no relevance to these things and me. The keys to holidays being relevant are gone and the current application are nowhere to be seen. So, I am barren in the spirit as they say. Just here is the phrase that says it all and always lately.

Merle was talking to me in the cigar shop yesterday about buddhism and the monks teachings. They always pick at me because I am angry. But it is all in good fun. Merle was talking about having me stand behind him as he talks to the new thai fiancee. still can't believe he has to marry her before she has been here 90 days but that is something else. So he is talking to me about not being angry and letting things go. And most importantly the balance of yourself and life. And I do remember some of the teachings of Buddhism and things from back in the day. But balance I know a lot about. 

I never knew this would be as hard as college level vulcan arithmetic. 

Balance is what keeps me from destroying all being mode. When I am completely in balance with outlets, therapy and all in place. Things bother me but very rarely does it even register that much on the scale. But honestly that hasn't truly been in place since I was married.  And I miss and need it. 

My balance can be very simple. If there is someone that I am comfortable with to be close to and love deeply in my life. Just talking to them, being around them and with them will bring that balance and comfort. that shelter from the storm. But I have found that doesn't work unless the person that is the subject of my comfort and peace can't handle it or understand it. Then it becomes a disillusioned hindrance. All I need is for them to be themselves, talk to me and have a good interaction.  So when this blew up in my face this year I had to adjust as best as I could. 

My adjustment went to relying completely on being at the cigar shop, smoking, drinking and eating. Mixed in with writing, reading and watching things. Combined together they helped but they have not solved the issue or covered the wound.

It is apparent that currently that the more that progresses, the more unattached I become. And I guess that is because of attempts at development recently and their outcome. Either way the scale is in motion and it has stayed in motion. 

I honestly have to say right now. I miss the old times, the people that I could enjoy and my wife. Just better times. Then I hear chocolate dolls ass talking about I told you to do better and be happy. blah blah blah. just keep haunting me and shut up!

*to infinity and beyond...I am the result of the black hole gang*

Angry Man Implosion

I do what I have to. I do what I must.

What I won't do is continue.

Right now I am somewhere I have never experienced I think.

It is like combining World War Hulk and Deadpool with Doomsday.

I want to destroy the universe!


all of this because of duty.


*the banging and the white noise*

Spoken Word: The Curse of Ares

Curse of Ares

My shear existence is

Carnage and chaos

Feeder of the carrion

I am that whirlwind of destruction

The karmic blend of love and hate

The natural disaster that you hate but it fascinates you

Rage and anger

Replace necessary life sustaining evidence

Cold slab of emotion and the fire pits of hell

Rule my heart and soul

Yet among

The rubble, destruction and scorched universe

There is this yearning

This one available place

That glows brightly

The spot for

The One

The One is

The person that balances the scales

Of the Beast of hell and deeper hells

A channel, purpose and shield for the living

Yet this position is not easy

Nor has it been maintained or even attained

Rarely

The mantle has been given

One queen has reigned

Another chooses her fate

I honestly can’t blame them

Then tentative applications are great

The focus of passion, intensity, love and a malignancy for other beings

Daunting to undertake

To fathom even

History has paved the way

Monkey bitches

Pretenders

Quitters

Fear has gripped them

Inability to understand

That this adventure is one that is

Life unscripted to the nth degree

The curse has been emblazoned upon me

From the beginning

The inability and division

To understand and be understood

Or connect on this human like emotional plane

To make them so comfortable that

They run to me and exclaim

Their need and love to live fully

Together among eternity

With the pain and finality

I remain steadfast in my purpose and duty

Even as a part of me misses

Wants and needs

That One

The One

To balance and tilt

This scale of darkness

To one again of normalcy

My curse looks

Smiles

And continues it’s

Haunting laughter

To

And of

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/7/15  ©

80 Miles Per Hour So Nobody Can See Me

The morning started off with an in depth Road Warrior style chat about our lives this morning with Ru. In my heart I felt that Road Warrior symbol go up in the air and I called to check on her. I got the run down and felt her position rather personally. *yeah I have a semi soft side for the select person, so fuck you*

We live our lives to want the best for each other and in each other's lives. To be able to know that the other is smiling, having a good time and living life. It is hard when the obstacle is what you desire. And that is the point where you have to take true inventory and make an unwanted decision at that crossroad in life.

I gave her the everclear straight no chaser answer to it all. Knowing that I want her to have what I don't and probably never will. My road dawg is good then I am good. One of the only times that this is true anymore. I wanted to say something all inspiring and with a positive outlook. But I needed to be real with her first and I did. Then I gave her the positive outlook, "hey look at my shit!" lmao

I know the anger, the betrayal, the rage and the desire that she is feeling. I know it on a personal daily basis for much of my life.

I am getting better. At least I am able to eat more than soup during a day now. And my energy level has increased more. It just is not at optimal levels yet.

I ended up going to my uncle's 80th surprise birthday party. it is hard to believe that he is that old. And it was funny to pick at him about the pic of him with a buck that he supposedly shot on the back of the truck in a pic they took on his actual birthday.

So many people know him from him working and helping others and all. Hell, people at the cigar shop know him.

As I sat there and watched him and my other uncle dancing around to the music. It reminded me of uncle ralph (miss you unk) and the mark we leave in history. The aftermath of your existence.

I know that are those that claim that they will miss me when I am gone. And I know that there are definitely 2 people that will. But I just want everyone to enjoy themselves and party on. to remember that I was simply me. Mean, grumpy, teddy bear, evil, asshole, motherfucker, dictator that was ready to take over the world.

I don't worry about my mark that I leave. I may be the ghost who walks but there are traces left behind mentally, spiritually and physically.

*chunking the deuce and shooting two in the air*

enjoy

More Than Meets The Eye

It has been a while. Hell, I have been sick, dealt with shit, parental units are still driving death into hell. And of course the usual brain on overload.

Boba Fett
Miyamoto Musashi
General George S Patton

These individuals hold characteristics, traits and commonalities that link to me. Things like being the most hated, the most feared, the craziest, the coldest and bound to duty that you don't even agree with.

I don't just walk on the darkside at times. I am the darkside. Doing the nasty, evil things that others won't or can't.  The person that they can leave as the enemy and disenfranchised.

Up until the previous year I attacked my goal when it was important to me. Leaving no obstacle or fortified monument in front of me to achieve my target. Then the epihany finally bombed me. What was the purpose of any of these things if they are only my tendrils of importance and meaning? I was merely a mercenary fighting a battle against the universes. A battle where the enemy was everything but me. The ultimate in futility.

I remain a detached anomaly. But the key is not detached emotions or emotional content. But an enhancement of those things to a point where their importance remains a sacred field of piety. That place where the anger and rage runs free. The result of what the Hulk said in the Avenger's movie the best. "it is time to get angry." The Hulk's response "I am always angry!" That phrase resonates on a pitch that only the elite can understand. Where connection to being yourself is like fluid transmission. I love, care and feel extremely deeply. Deep to the point where there is no longer anything because their is no reason for that to be seen.

I deal with the parental units because I have to because of duty. The inability for anyone else to be able to or want to do anything. Do I want to be bothered? Hell no! So I will deal with the drama, fucked up attitude and actions because I have to. Because duty no matter how I feel is required. Part of this station in life.

As with all mercs, hired guns and outlaws there comes a time where tactics had to change. When the on coming last ride gets closer and closer to happening.  So you no longer fight everyone and everything. You feel and desire less than you use to. And your views are even stranger than what you use to think. This was personified in two great western movies "Invitation to a gunfighter with Yul Brenner," and Clint Eastwood's "Unforgiven." These are the moments that define us as who we are, was and could have been.

In my world of bdsm things have been shown the light. It is hard to realize how far I have come since last year even. The relations cultivated and the interactions that have been beneficial. Establishing style and experience. And the failure at the important relation I so desperately wanted. I can say that the growth has happened amid the lumps, bruises, cheers and jeers. And I am thankful for it all. It has allowed me to be a better Dominant, leader, alien and responsible.

Hell, I even went to the gym for the first time in my life since college to workout and on my health. Changing eating styles and taking care of myself. And I am thankful for what motivated me at that time.  Now, there has to be something different to motivate me. I am not sure what it is or if it is going to even happen or is even necessary.

Speaking of health. the guy cliff that goes to the cigar shop here in town just had triple heart by pass the other day. i knew he wasn't taking care of himself and kept saying something to him about it but I feel bad for him. All of this happened after suffering a heart attack last week. Dialysis, bypass and all. I know he is mentally slow but he is good people. I will have to try and visit him  at the hospital once I feel better.

We live then die. Or we die and then live. Or we do a combination of both. Regardless we choose what marks are left behind through our actions, thoughts and interactions.  I hear Ru tell me that I can't die before she does. I merely chuckle and say think of the great party you will have when I am gone.  I need my fellow Road Warrior to send me off properly!

Just another day in the life of Havoc!

Beware the RIDE!!!

Take Me to Church...My D/s Style Lyrics

lil red turned me on to Hozier's "Take Me to Church" and I fell in love with the song.

When I heard it playing on the show Gotham and it was being sung by a female it reminded me what the song means to me in my personal way.

So let me break it down Havoc style

Lyrics:
My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshipped her sooner

My meaning: My lover is weird and crazy
She does the things that others don't see
Most don't understand them
This is why I am so close and attracted to her

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

I found the one who keeps my attention and makes me happy
Body of a goddess and skilled mentality
Enjoy is our regular activity

"We were born sick, " you heard them say it

We are so different. We stand out and they hate it. What they are looking for and want but are not ready  to maintain things.

My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you

There is no rudementary experience or learning. The tears that are shed are to worship my orchestrations for more pain.  She calls me for her need to be restrained and feel the embrace of pain.
So among the pain I can hold her there drifting. Happily lost in the pleasure of her pain.

I was born sick


But I love it
Command me to be well
Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

You were in state of my essence even though you fought it.
Tasks and assignments give structure to concerned tactics. 
As I look out for your well being and health.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

Follow my lead
through each dungeon and episode
Tell me your fears and feelings
let me twist them into the beauty that is required
attend to my needs
as we delve deeper and deeper into our D/s relation
share it all with me so that we can makes changes in life
submit to me your essence and being so that betterment can be attained

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

I am not your ordinary being
I am weird and non conforming
you bring me joy, delight and vibrant life
holding the full darkness of me from exploding everywhere
You are my sacrifice
The key to feeding the darkside and the beast

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine-looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

There is nothing that can change the power of this
Prepared instruments and techniques to rearrange
goals, results and destiny
I see you in all of your current glory
But I will make you glow like a super saiyan
feed you to the masses
show them the results of you...the holy grail



My Results of this song
Come worship this dynamic. Pay homage to our journey. Let us learn and grow 
As you serve me and serve us we grow exponentially.

The worship is the dedication and focus on honor, service and duty. The things that press our relation forward. 

The church is us. The temple. The combination or unit that is our dynamic. the D/s relation and all of it's meaning between us. The trust, hierarchy and discipline

Combined all of these things are compelling and moving. The "take me to church," symbolizes my relationship. The infliction of pain upon her when I play and satisfy her needs. And the purity of our connection and purpose.

Who would have thunk it? That a song lil red introduced to me would have a profound effect and be the backbone of our theme music that plays during each interaction.

An Adventure In Baking

Ok so ibhad never heard of white sweet potatoes until I got them from Auntie. Even the guys at the cigar shop mentioned that the white ones are sweeter than the regular ones.

So I made a white sweet potato pie.

Oooooooo Yyeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!

Moods, Moments and the End of Watch

Sister is gone and I have the house to myself. There is a peace among the chaos and inflamed, enraged moments. That peace is a needle in the multiverse but it stands the test of time somehow.

Time has exposed and revealed intricacies that have been stunning and shocking as well as remembrance to what was and is.

Yeah, the evil archangel has a heart. One built in a way that isn't a blueprinted reprint. I love and in love with the One. Given heart, body and soul openly. The old days are gone though. And with it the application of my true comfort laid bare. I no longer cling to previous principles after my appeal and the cataclysmic reveal. The motes in my eyes fried like eggs in the Sahara. The chaotic change has changed me, simple and plain. Sitting behind armor, sentries and land mines lives that warmth, love and caring feeling inside.

Yet, I function and release the tip of the ice berg as if there were no changes. Giving the introductory positioning like lead poisoning. Click, click, click the safe remains closed to outside disturbances.

As my positive prognosis shrinks smaller. As reality squeezes even harder. I understand that change in stature, energy, presence and path. No remorse or anything as I already endorsed the so what thinking and action, both at full strength.

My mood is like standing in the sun. Burning, burnt and burned for eternity and beyond. Giving change, light and devastation with each word and action. Yes, that fits me and it shows through everything.My eclipse merely drips sarcastic, emotionless, apathetic enhancement.

I look at the One I love, the ones I love and those I care about. through the thick and thin we will remain connected if they choose. I still won't fight someone to be in a relationship with in anyway. But, I will still make our connection remain strong as possible.

My relationships mean a lot with me. So I am not flippant about it. But that is part of the reason that I am the exception to others understanding and rules. But right now relations are what they are. Oh well!!

The parental units have reached an all new high. But there is nothing more that I can do about the situation but do my unwanted and public enemy number one duty against the machine called parental units. As in feudal japan you did your duty no matter what your feelings and thoughts were. That is what I have had to do concerning the parental units. Even though I want to gladly go back to not doing a damn thing concerning them again. But I am the only one with a brain outside the 3 of them so I am stuck.

I look and see exactly what I want and need. In it's pure and most raw form. A hardened rock of a woman gleaming underneath is a crystal form of magnificence. I accept it all. Through the attitude, moods and contrary evidence. Simply because that vibe and connection that separated her from everyone and everything else was the ultimate defining factor. That one feeling is the prognosis for good thing in a better future.

The remnants of parts of me remain loosely caught on pikes. My flesh and brains stained with heart and soul remains. The whole is dismembered.

I wonder if I will ever be whole again. As I see the key to make that happen.

will it ever be

The End of My Watch again?