Angry Man Implosion

I do what I have to. I do what I must.

What I won't do is continue.

Right now I am somewhere I have never experienced I think.

It is like combining World War Hulk and Deadpool with Doomsday.

I want to destroy the universe!


all of this because of duty.


*the banging and the white noise*

Spoken Word: The Curse of Ares

Curse of Ares

My shear existence is

Carnage and chaos

Feeder of the carrion

I am that whirlwind of destruction

The karmic blend of love and hate

The natural disaster that you hate but it fascinates you

Rage and anger

Replace necessary life sustaining evidence

Cold slab of emotion and the fire pits of hell

Rule my heart and soul

Yet among

The rubble, destruction and scorched universe

There is this yearning

This one available place

That glows brightly

The spot for

The One

The One is

The person that balances the scales

Of the Beast of hell and deeper hells

A channel, purpose and shield for the living

Yet this position is not easy

Nor has it been maintained or even attained

Rarely

The mantle has been given

One queen has reigned

Another chooses her fate

I honestly can’t blame them

Then tentative applications are great

The focus of passion, intensity, love and a malignancy for other beings

Daunting to undertake

To fathom even

History has paved the way

Monkey bitches

Pretenders

Quitters

Fear has gripped them

Inability to understand

That this adventure is one that is

Life unscripted to the nth degree

The curse has been emblazoned upon me

From the beginning

The inability and division

To understand and be understood

Or connect on this human like emotional plane

To make them so comfortable that

They run to me and exclaim

Their need and love to live fully

Together among eternity

With the pain and finality

I remain steadfast in my purpose and duty

Even as a part of me misses

Wants and needs

That One

The One

To balance and tilt

This scale of darkness

To one again of normalcy

My curse looks

Smiles

And continues it’s

Haunting laughter

To

And of

Me

From the chocolatezeus collection  12/7/15  ©

80 Miles Per Hour So Nobody Can See Me

The morning started off with an in depth Road Warrior style chat about our lives this morning with Ru. In my heart I felt that Road Warrior symbol go up in the air and I called to check on her. I got the run down and felt her position rather personally. *yeah I have a semi soft side for the select person, so fuck you*

We live our lives to want the best for each other and in each other's lives. To be able to know that the other is smiling, having a good time and living life. It is hard when the obstacle is what you desire. And that is the point where you have to take true inventory and make an unwanted decision at that crossroad in life.

I gave her the everclear straight no chaser answer to it all. Knowing that I want her to have what I don't and probably never will. My road dawg is good then I am good. One of the only times that this is true anymore. I wanted to say something all inspiring and with a positive outlook. But I needed to be real with her first and I did. Then I gave her the positive outlook, "hey look at my shit!" lmao

I know the anger, the betrayal, the rage and the desire that she is feeling. I know it on a personal daily basis for much of my life.

I am getting better. At least I am able to eat more than soup during a day now. And my energy level has increased more. It just is not at optimal levels yet.

I ended up going to my uncle's 80th surprise birthday party. it is hard to believe that he is that old. And it was funny to pick at him about the pic of him with a buck that he supposedly shot on the back of the truck in a pic they took on his actual birthday.

So many people know him from him working and helping others and all. Hell, people at the cigar shop know him.

As I sat there and watched him and my other uncle dancing around to the music. It reminded me of uncle ralph (miss you unk) and the mark we leave in history. The aftermath of your existence.

I know that are those that claim that they will miss me when I am gone. And I know that there are definitely 2 people that will. But I just want everyone to enjoy themselves and party on. to remember that I was simply me. Mean, grumpy, teddy bear, evil, asshole, motherfucker, dictator that was ready to take over the world.

I don't worry about my mark that I leave. I may be the ghost who walks but there are traces left behind mentally, spiritually and physically.

*chunking the deuce and shooting two in the air*

enjoy

More Than Meets The Eye

It has been a while. Hell, I have been sick, dealt with shit, parental units are still driving death into hell. And of course the usual brain on overload.

Boba Fett
Miyamoto Musashi
General George S Patton

These individuals hold characteristics, traits and commonalities that link to me. Things like being the most hated, the most feared, the craziest, the coldest and bound to duty that you don't even agree with.

I don't just walk on the darkside at times. I am the darkside. Doing the nasty, evil things that others won't or can't.  The person that they can leave as the enemy and disenfranchised.

Up until the previous year I attacked my goal when it was important to me. Leaving no obstacle or fortified monument in front of me to achieve my target. Then the epihany finally bombed me. What was the purpose of any of these things if they are only my tendrils of importance and meaning? I was merely a mercenary fighting a battle against the universes. A battle where the enemy was everything but me. The ultimate in futility.

I remain a detached anomaly. But the key is not detached emotions or emotional content. But an enhancement of those things to a point where their importance remains a sacred field of piety. That place where the anger and rage runs free. The result of what the Hulk said in the Avenger's movie the best. "it is time to get angry." The Hulk's response "I am always angry!" That phrase resonates on a pitch that only the elite can understand. Where connection to being yourself is like fluid transmission. I love, care and feel extremely deeply. Deep to the point where there is no longer anything because their is no reason for that to be seen.

I deal with the parental units because I have to because of duty. The inability for anyone else to be able to or want to do anything. Do I want to be bothered? Hell no! So I will deal with the drama, fucked up attitude and actions because I have to. Because duty no matter how I feel is required. Part of this station in life.

As with all mercs, hired guns and outlaws there comes a time where tactics had to change. When the on coming last ride gets closer and closer to happening.  So you no longer fight everyone and everything. You feel and desire less than you use to. And your views are even stranger than what you use to think. This was personified in two great western movies "Invitation to a gunfighter with Yul Brenner," and Clint Eastwood's "Unforgiven." These are the moments that define us as who we are, was and could have been.

In my world of bdsm things have been shown the light. It is hard to realize how far I have come since last year even. The relations cultivated and the interactions that have been beneficial. Establishing style and experience. And the failure at the important relation I so desperately wanted. I can say that the growth has happened amid the lumps, bruises, cheers and jeers. And I am thankful for it all. It has allowed me to be a better Dominant, leader, alien and responsible.

Hell, I even went to the gym for the first time in my life since college to workout and on my health. Changing eating styles and taking care of myself. And I am thankful for what motivated me at that time.  Now, there has to be something different to motivate me. I am not sure what it is or if it is going to even happen or is even necessary.

Speaking of health. the guy cliff that goes to the cigar shop here in town just had triple heart by pass the other day. i knew he wasn't taking care of himself and kept saying something to him about it but I feel bad for him. All of this happened after suffering a heart attack last week. Dialysis, bypass and all. I know he is mentally slow but he is good people. I will have to try and visit him  at the hospital once I feel better.

We live then die. Or we die and then live. Or we do a combination of both. Regardless we choose what marks are left behind through our actions, thoughts and interactions.  I hear Ru tell me that I can't die before she does. I merely chuckle and say think of the great party you will have when I am gone.  I need my fellow Road Warrior to send me off properly!

Just another day in the life of Havoc!

Beware the RIDE!!!

Take Me to Church...My D/s Style Lyrics

lil red turned me on to Hozier's "Take Me to Church" and I fell in love with the song.

When I heard it playing on the show Gotham and it was being sung by a female it reminded me what the song means to me in my personal way.

So let me break it down Havoc style

Lyrics:
My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshipped her sooner

My meaning: My lover is weird and crazy
She does the things that others don't see
Most don't understand them
This is why I am so close and attracted to her

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

I found the one who keeps my attention and makes me happy
Body of a goddess and skilled mentality
Enjoy is our regular activity

"We were born sick, " you heard them say it

We are so different. We stand out and they hate it. What they are looking for and want but are not ready  to maintain things.

My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you

There is no rudementary experience or learning. The tears that are shed are to worship my orchestrations for more pain.  She calls me for her need to be restrained and feel the embrace of pain.
So among the pain I can hold her there drifting. Happily lost in the pleasure of her pain.

I was born sick


But I love it
Command me to be well
Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

You were in state of my essence even though you fought it.
Tasks and assignments give structure to concerned tactics. 
As I look out for your well being and health.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

Follow my lead
through each dungeon and episode
Tell me your fears and feelings
let me twist them into the beauty that is required
attend to my needs
as we delve deeper and deeper into our D/s relation
share it all with me so that we can makes changes in life
submit to me your essence and being so that betterment can be attained

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

I am not your ordinary being
I am weird and non conforming
you bring me joy, delight and vibrant life
holding the full darkness of me from exploding everywhere
You are my sacrifice
The key to feeding the darkside and the beast

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine-looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

There is nothing that can change the power of this
Prepared instruments and techniques to rearrange
goals, results and destiny
I see you in all of your current glory
But I will make you glow like a super saiyan
feed you to the masses
show them the results of you...the holy grail



My Results of this song
Come worship this dynamic. Pay homage to our journey. Let us learn and grow 
As you serve me and serve us we grow exponentially.

The worship is the dedication and focus on honor, service and duty. The things that press our relation forward. 

The church is us. The temple. The combination or unit that is our dynamic. the D/s relation and all of it's meaning between us. The trust, hierarchy and discipline

Combined all of these things are compelling and moving. The "take me to church," symbolizes my relationship. The infliction of pain upon her when I play and satisfy her needs. And the purity of our connection and purpose.

Who would have thunk it? That a song lil red introduced to me would have a profound effect and be the backbone of our theme music that plays during each interaction.

An Adventure In Baking

Ok so ibhad never heard of white sweet potatoes until I got them from Auntie. Even the guys at the cigar shop mentioned that the white ones are sweeter than the regular ones.

So I made a white sweet potato pie.

Oooooooo Yyeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!

Moods, Moments and the End of Watch

Sister is gone and I have the house to myself. There is a peace among the chaos and inflamed, enraged moments. That peace is a needle in the multiverse but it stands the test of time somehow.

Time has exposed and revealed intricacies that have been stunning and shocking as well as remembrance to what was and is.

Yeah, the evil archangel has a heart. One built in a way that isn't a blueprinted reprint. I love and in love with the One. Given heart, body and soul openly. The old days are gone though. And with it the application of my true comfort laid bare. I no longer cling to previous principles after my appeal and the cataclysmic reveal. The motes in my eyes fried like eggs in the Sahara. The chaotic change has changed me, simple and plain. Sitting behind armor, sentries and land mines lives that warmth, love and caring feeling inside.

Yet, I function and release the tip of the ice berg as if there were no changes. Giving the introductory positioning like lead poisoning. Click, click, click the safe remains closed to outside disturbances.

As my positive prognosis shrinks smaller. As reality squeezes even harder. I understand that change in stature, energy, presence and path. No remorse or anything as I already endorsed the so what thinking and action, both at full strength.

My mood is like standing in the sun. Burning, burnt and burned for eternity and beyond. Giving change, light and devastation with each word and action. Yes, that fits me and it shows through everything.My eclipse merely drips sarcastic, emotionless, apathetic enhancement.

I look at the One I love, the ones I love and those I care about. through the thick and thin we will remain connected if they choose. I still won't fight someone to be in a relationship with in anyway. But, I will still make our connection remain strong as possible.

My relationships mean a lot with me. So I am not flippant about it. But that is part of the reason that I am the exception to others understanding and rules. But right now relations are what they are. Oh well!!

The parental units have reached an all new high. But there is nothing more that I can do about the situation but do my unwanted and public enemy number one duty against the machine called parental units. As in feudal japan you did your duty no matter what your feelings and thoughts were. That is what I have had to do concerning the parental units. Even though I want to gladly go back to not doing a damn thing concerning them again. But I am the only one with a brain outside the 3 of them so I am stuck.

I look and see exactly what I want and need. In it's pure and most raw form. A hardened rock of a woman gleaming underneath is a crystal form of magnificence. I accept it all. Through the attitude, moods and contrary evidence. Simply because that vibe and connection that separated her from everyone and everything else was the ultimate defining factor. That one feeling is the prognosis for good thing in a better future.

The remnants of parts of me remain loosely caught on pikes. My flesh and brains stained with heart and soul remains. The whole is dismembered.

I wonder if I will ever be whole again. As I see the key to make that happen.

will it ever be

The End of My Watch again?

My Affect

It is like I am the dark side of the moon at times. Basically sitting in the blue section constantly. 

My interactions apparently can cause chaos. Let's be honest, many times cause chaos. And that fits why I am named Lord Havoc. 

I have spent time fighting that I wanted my permanent D/s relation. That union that would be tailor made to me and we were prepared to endure all that is life.

Since deciding this D/s journey I have been only in one dating relation. And it has been over a year. Yes, insert laughter here because that is just unbelievably crazy to think it happened. In that relation there has been growth, issues and setbacks. But it holds it's own weight and merits. 

I thought about poly. Just never thought it would happen with very little effort from me. But somewhere along the line there was an interest in me. (go figure). I am not the flavor of the month or a brand new shiny toy. I am just the newbie learning as I stomp through the savoy in combat boots in my tux. 

So the affect I have on others is interesting.

A woman that is gorgeous, super intelligent and weird as hell. But there has been some evolution and change with her and myself because of time spent and shared. Hell, I would have thought she would have remained the same hard headed, stubborn and difficult damn self. But my affect has been positive and negative.

My usual influence of making some realize their potential and worth. Others making them realize that it just won't work for them. 

And the results of being me are normally obvious. The disbelief in how and who I along with who interacts, wants and is with me. I am Public Enemy Number One, Zeus the immaculate one and Havoc the bringer of chaos and destruction to facilitate order and organization.

So basically, the things that I thought would leave my marks upon folks tend to do so. But I really don't see these imprints that I have left on people these days.

Yeah, this is weird. I am super weird. So what the hell were you expecting?

Have a good Monday. Ass smacks, titty grabs and gun shots to the ceiling.

And I am out!!!

Dead Reckoning: When the gleam has faded

So Ru Ru said it best when she said, "I guess it hasn't been realized that you have disconnected and backed away."

That statement was based on feelings, desire and want. Since she knows me the best and the closest she can pick this out rather effortlessly. And she had picked it out early in the year.

Fear stops most and hinders a few. But fear is something that you can choose to overcome. As a man and Dom I have fear of failure, purpose and goals not being achieved. But I decided not to be complacent or a victim to fear.

My desire and choice in relationship is one of purpose and achievement. So I am always ready to dive in and be vested in making it work out the best way possible. Gung Ho and crushing all the fear, anti emotion and feeling barriers and all. That is until...

Until, I realize that it is not worth it or not felt or wanted. At that point as Ru pointed out. I just go into whatever mode. If we see each other then fine. Keep the effort minimum or possible life support. This is where "it is what it is" remains in play.

The relationship that I want and require I remains the goal. Reality shows me that I just have to shrug and sit back and do nothing. But this is the part of D/s that isn't all glamorous as we have discussed a number of times. This is the mundane and daily, regular maintenance of a D/s relation. And I am managing it as well as it can be. There is no blueprint and in my case it is all weird and crazy fly by the seat of your pants thing.

Here is the key though. You have to want to be bothered with who you are in a relation with even when you are not playing and being kinky. And I have done that and I have branched out to grow my experience through different other aspects of subs. And still my one dynamic remains key and the goal line for me. That D/s with permanency that I want and seek.

There is no breath holding. No, phrase of positivity to be spewed. There is only the realization that it is all out of my hands. All I can do is stand back, stay uninvolved and let whatever happen.

Until something changes and says yes we can. Then i will sit back and watch the waves crash. Get in where I feel like I want to fit in temporarily and just be like "FUCK IT" like clockwork again.

Hmm, reminded shades of the build a bitch program again.

It definitely was an interesting friday the 13th yesterday for show. Ghosts of the past at the cigar shop. Conversations I didn't ever expect. Another level of understanding presented.  And thankfully no aunt I do not like staying here last night. Amen

It is a nice crisp day so enjoy yourself. The fall is finally here. And I am looking forward to anger and destruction again.

Legion of Doom Exclusive

I had to chuckle a bit about just how close and connected Ru Ru and I are as fellow Road Warriors.

Two people joined together by chance and from the actions of the retarded monkey bitch. And years later we have grown to be this close and this intuitive of each other.

One of the similarities that we have is our ridiculous voracious appetite for sex. We both will fuck for hours and keep on going. And neither one of us are in adonis or aphrodite shape. When the beast calls then it is on and it laughs at those that can't keep up. So we want at least 3 or 4 to scratch the itch. The difference is that she can get the dick. Hell she is an attractive woman after all. lol I on the other hand am not getting the pussy like that. If I could have some steady quality pussy then my anger and things would be slightly better. But if I have the pussy that I need to use and have then everything is right in the world. I don't need new pussy or even a bunch of pussy. Just give me quality pussy and a whole fucking lot of it! But I do enjoy listening to Ru's stories of her harem and fucking guys into a coma. lol And yes I have witnessed it in person a few times and I still pick at her about that.

This is as intuitive as I get when it comes to her. We can both kind of feel if something is wrong or out of place. So a untimed call or message will appear promptly to ask what is up. And we may talk about what is going on immediately or it may take us a bit of time before it is mentioned. Either way we will keep each others backs.

She is the sweeter side with the propensity to be mean. I am the mean side with the propensity to be even worst.

She is the one that saves so many from the scorched universe policy.

She is also the one who knows when I love and how deeply it goes. And the point where love no longer matters and there is nothing there for me.

Her focus has always been on the best for me and mine the best for her.

She is the reason why I took a chance on marriage and even considered getting married again. That support was there even when I had already said fuck it.

In my Inner Sanctum. The Sanctum Santorum is Ru Ru. And until someone chooses to accept their role and be there also then there is only her. The place where all of me is open and available. The mark of your importance in my life.

We are the Legion of Doom.
We will fuck you, you and you and still be ready for another 5 or 6 of you.
We are nice until it is time to rip out your heart and feed it to you.
Ready, willing to do whatever we can to help and support you.
The nexus of love and hate is where we dwell.

I love my Ru Ru to infinity and beyond. It still doesn't mean that I don't need the One to be in my inner sanctum with me too.

Recovery Before the Fall

The mortars have been dropping constantly. The sounds are no longer deafening. Merely a wall of silence.

I have watched, listened and just been lately. And the information that has been gathered even I had to look at it sideways for a moment. Seeing that pattern emerge against a landscape barren and devoid of content.

I was about to make that mistake again. Letting an internal stimuli surface again. Thankfully, I saw and caught it before it reared it's ugly head.

The desolation.
Application of this station.
Dissapearing affects.

...Life

It has happened
and there is nothing more to be done or said.

empty is the chalice
as each step taken
fire branded
marked with the void
devoid of substance

I am glad I caught this shit before it made a full fledged mark again!

Missed Opportunities, Build a Bear Etchings and Oddities

A monday again.
So I went by the cigar shop to rap a taste and smoke produce a haze. I was welcomed back just like ever Cheers episode. And they had to tell me that I missed Richard Roundtree (the original shaft for those not of age), a basketball player named cliff livingston and some comedians. They said they had a good time laughing at stories. They were here for the willie stargell golf tournament. Apparently the little skinny black news caster's sister was married to him. I saw her in the store before I left. Apparently she knew Tim and he was donating some cigars to the tournament or something as well.  So I missed the opportunity to meet Shaft and others unfortunately and laugh hard. But hey I missed it for a good cause and that is all that counts.

Next comes the hodge podge of reality of life. Cuing Soul II Soul "Back to Life."

Ok, I still don't understand the I need attention and a back to the future past, but won't do what is necessary to have a chance at that happening. It baffles me to keep saying the same thing and then do nothing to facilitate it. I wonder if there is an ability to ever move past this stage. But then it is merely wonderment after all. Truly I held on to a distant past in a fickle future and it did not come out well at all. The human tragedy saga continues on at an uncontested speed.

Which leads me to the aspect of infosec. When I ask someone to open up to me and they do so in strict confidence I adhere to that because I chose. I do not like hearing about someone else discussing who I spoke to or what was spoken on. Especially if you don't know me like that. I find that to be some serious breach. It is a flash back to bitch ass episodes in the past with big giant head, the gary ex and all. And when I heard it I had to re-evaluate any future interactions that may concern this person. Because if you are doing this and you have only met me once or twice then there is an issue and it is not me. And this seems like the messy shit that I had heard about last year. Red flag has gone up and one .50 cal shell has been put in the chamber.

The aspect of what I say to a sub was driven home the last days. In an effort to please I didn't realize that they would do things that went against their core beliefs or deep comfort just to please. And in a suggestion, not even a command. And to be so messed up from it that your anger is off the charts made me contemplate. From D/s relation I continue to foster growth, accomplishment and duty. The things that will help in learning, growth and a subs future. That doesn't mean I have the blueprint or that all subs are the same and apply the formula. It means a tailor made situation for each person that specifically attunes to needs and goals.

And I found the Boba Fett build a bear costume. So I want to add that to the collection with a dark black or chocolate bear with one of the classic Boba Fett lines recorded. I guess I am going to start a build a bear collection then. Who would have thunk it. But it is good and funny to me. Plus letting the good times roll with the memories and meanings.

Some other things going on. But those things need to be addressed in the journal, through poetry posting and the ABM blog.

Enjoy yourself on this titty tuesday. I need them sexy chocolate, curvy, delicious, scrumptious melons in my life right now. And those chocolaty nipples are soooooo damn amazing!!!! I just had a flashback to a couple days ago. Damn I love them sexy things!!!

I guess I need to fix some breakfast and all that on that note though.

Waving as I look for the titty delights!!!

Yanked Out of Warp

I felt like an interdictor class star destroyer yanked me out of hyperspace and warp at the same time last night when I returned to the queen city.  And for those of you not nerdy or geeky enough to know what an interdictor class star destroyer is. Well, it is the big ship Darth Vader was on in Star Wars that was shaped like an arrow.

I had good quality time. Laughing, talking, cuddling. Even the intimacy of closeness came into play. I didn't get out my sex fiend, mega deviant ways. But in other ways the beast was fed for a day. Hell, I even remembered what it was like to lay in a bed with a sexy woman. So it all added up to good positives.

But damn, when I had to come back and wait on their daughter to wake up and come get me. Reality laughed hysterically like an old frankenstein movie. The evil laughter still echoes today as their daughter sticks up tons and tons of christmas decorations for her mary kay event for the next weekend. She is down at least 3 or 4 christmas trees though. So that is a good thing unless she buys more to replace them. (dammit)

Back in the trenches and troughs of hell. We will see what steps forward are made this week.

Oh and it is sunday. It is time for some football!  So eat, drink and be merry as you watch the nfl do something today. lol

Enjoy