Hugging you brought comfort. Your breasts fully pressed against me while I held you close.
You were, are a part of me. When seperated the longing and missing issues came forth. For there was no longer a complete whole.
Your eyes held me close to you as I gazed into their universe. Once looking into me apparently no longer can you see me.
Hearts beating strongly in tune with each other as if they were of one accord. Layin g on top of you comforted like a child in the womb between the softness of your breasts and the plush pillowy feel of your stomach.
Covered in warmth and comfort. Exactly where I wanted to be. Where I had searched for repeatedly in my life. Once I had found it though, I became addicted badly. But basically, who wouldn't be? That zone is where we all long to be.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Dropped Into the Flame
Stress and Pain
leading to the removal fo heart and compassion
Yeielding negativity
Knowing no boundaries
Changes in:
Sight
Attitude
Mood Outlook
Wondering about the why's and hows. Lost in a quagmire of feelings and emotions. All useless for anything other than torture now.
Why do we fall prey to the things that we should have control over? We bleed deeply for stabs, cuts, mortal woulds yet the most devastating of things is the mental damage done to us. And that secret weapon has been mastered exclusively by women.
Yet we continue to remain in the conflict because we are drawn to our pending doom. Thinking that the pleasures, dreams and wishes out weigh all the negative things we throw ourselves to our deaths. Clearly an ridiculous effort but none the less it is habitual.
leading to the removal fo heart and compassion
Yeielding negativity
Knowing no boundaries
Changes in:
Sight
Attitude
Mood Outlook
Wondering about the why's and hows. Lost in a quagmire of feelings and emotions. All useless for anything other than torture now.
Why do we fall prey to the things that we should have control over? We bleed deeply for stabs, cuts, mortal woulds yet the most devastating of things is the mental damage done to us. And that secret weapon has been mastered exclusively by women.
Yet we continue to remain in the conflict because we are drawn to our pending doom. Thinking that the pleasures, dreams and wishes out weigh all the negative things we throw ourselves to our deaths. Clearly an ridiculous effort but none the less it is habitual.
Heartlessness
Time has finally opened my eyes to realize and understand just how much unfeeling, uncaring can possibly go on. Naive to the fact that it was happened and just attempting to be positive led to all this.
But things become undeniable when you tell me that you are not putting your all into what we have. That you are holding back but yet want me and have me giving more than a 100% now. I guess that is also why emotions are normally bottled up for you. You claim you want a real man. Someone to love, cherish and take care of you, but in reality you don't.
You come out your mouth with the most evil, mean spirited things you can say at times. Love overlooks all that but it has the effect you want them to have regardless. But it is not proper for a man to curse back and act the same evil way because you can dish it out but can't take it. Can say everything but can't listen.
Not saying that there is no emotion or feelings. Because there have been. Far inbetween alot of times, especially the good and positive ones but nonetheless they have been there.
In learning about what we know about each other things have gotten interesting. You claim about how the only thing I know about me is a liar and everything. Well the only thing I know about you is being, sneaky, manipulative, non feeling, non caring and intrusive. Yeah I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there is more to you than those things. But that is because regardless of it all I have used my heart.
No matter how much bullshit I got put through I let it all roll off me but that is just me. And that is why I am the good hearty person that I am now. Arms opened wide to accept the one I love no matter what. A man with a heart and soul to match the wonderfulness in his life.
But things become undeniable when you tell me that you are not putting your all into what we have. That you are holding back but yet want me and have me giving more than a 100% now. I guess that is also why emotions are normally bottled up for you. You claim you want a real man. Someone to love, cherish and take care of you, but in reality you don't.
You come out your mouth with the most evil, mean spirited things you can say at times. Love overlooks all that but it has the effect you want them to have regardless. But it is not proper for a man to curse back and act the same evil way because you can dish it out but can't take it. Can say everything but can't listen.
Not saying that there is no emotion or feelings. Because there have been. Far inbetween alot of times, especially the good and positive ones but nonetheless they have been there.
In learning about what we know about each other things have gotten interesting. You claim about how the only thing I know about me is a liar and everything. Well the only thing I know about you is being, sneaky, manipulative, non feeling, non caring and intrusive. Yeah I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there is more to you than those things. But that is because regardless of it all I have used my heart.
No matter how much bullshit I got put through I let it all roll off me but that is just me. And that is why I am the good hearty person that I am now. Arms opened wide to accept the one I love no matter what. A man with a heart and soul to match the wonderfulness in his life.
Memories
I close my eyes to see and feel the memory of your soft body against mine. Your chest rises and falls against me as we are cuddled up together, enjoying it all so conveinently. I use to be able to open my eyes and see you laying there soundly asleep. Touching your face with my hand, feeling that reassurance of my love being there.
Remembering you laying there with me between your legs. Feeling both of your legs and body wrapped around me. Our lips locked in passionate embrace as your hardenend nipples pressed against my chest. There is nothing else in the universe but us here. With me inside of you stroking and our bodies clasped together there are no words to explain it.
Our moments from when we just sat on the beach talking and gettign to know each other. The intimacy of just mere closeness enveloped us.
How you have made me smile and grin like a chesire cat. The laughter and talking that you helped bring forth from me. Yes, you have done what no other could in such a short period of time.
But oh how quickly can good memories turn to doubt and dread. Doubt that they were real. Did those things really happen?
Remembering you laying there with me between your legs. Feeling both of your legs and body wrapped around me. Our lips locked in passionate embrace as your hardenend nipples pressed against my chest. There is nothing else in the universe but us here. With me inside of you stroking and our bodies clasped together there are no words to explain it.
Our moments from when we just sat on the beach talking and gettign to know each other. The intimacy of just mere closeness enveloped us.
How you have made me smile and grin like a chesire cat. The laughter and talking that you helped bring forth from me. Yes, you have done what no other could in such a short period of time.
But oh how quickly can good memories turn to doubt and dread. Doubt that they were real. Did those things really happen?
A Night of Pampering
I had come over for a pampering party hosted by the women. Just one of those evenings to get out and do something. After arriving and speaking to everyone I just sat down and chilled. Watch some television. Then she caught my eye. I thought she was cute and carried herself differently. We waited for a while until more people got there.
It was a good thought that women spend and evening pampering the men. Bringing us drinks and food and everything. It felt good to sit back and relax for a bit. Just relax and look at some pretty women. Our very own Geisha Girls.
So after waiting a while I finally got my chance to get my first massage of the evening from this young lady. It was cool and it helped relax me but I knew I wanted a more intimate session than she would give. Looking over I saw the one that had caught my eye earlier giving what would be called the "Good as Hell" massage station. She was giving those real deep massages like she knew what she was doing. I kept watching her at work and saying to myself I want one of those. As I watched each girl working the massages I could tell my girl was the best at it.
So finishing up I waited till the "Good as Hell" station opened and I laid down. She went and found some oil that heated when you rubbed it on. I was deep in relaxation and arousal when she got started. As she sat straddling my ass she worked my muscles with the oil and everything. I could feel the heat from between her thighs on my back and it soothed and caressed me. She whispered in my ear as she laid her body across my back "Whats your name? Mine is Taleahla. " I gave her mine and felt her soft breasts against my back through her thin teddy. All I could think about is hinkhow I wanted this in my life on a regular basis. I told her that she must have been doing massages for a while since she was so good.
As she kissed me on the back of my neck I could feel the flow of energy between us. Damn I was feeling her now. So when I turned over and she straddled me and then slowing rocked back and forth. She knew I was going to be nice and hard and throbbing between those silken thighs. Her hands worked and kneeded my chest and neck. She rubbed my nipples between her fingers and leaned down so I could feel her breasts against me. She said that I needed my woman to do this for me. I told her I need her to be my woman first before that could happen. After she rubbed the heating oil all into my skin, she took a feather and ran it all over me. Damn I never knew how erotic and wonderful that felt until she did it. I was completely over the edge looking into her face as she grazed the feather over me.
I pulled her down to me and kissed her. Her lips yeilded to mine and our arms entwined. I pulled her teddy up and off her. As her cafe au lait skin caught the candle light in the room I knew we were going to enjoy this.
The kissing led to her pulling my boxers off as We began to heat things up more than the oil had ever did. Her hand grasped my shaft as it throbbed in her hand. Never letting up on our lips kissing and sucking together. My left hand grabbing her ass cheek as my right cupped her breast and caressed her nipple. Our moans swam together as we were there panting and all over each other.
She guided my hardness inside of her as she sat back and I grabbed her hips and began pushing deep inside of her. With each stroke her juices flowed heavier. My hardness was unbearable. Coated with her juices it felt so good sliding up and down inside of her. Moving my hands from her hips to cup her breasts as she rode me. As I pulled her down on top of me and began to push my hardness deep in her I knew I would cum sooon so I had to stop.
As I flipped her over and licked down her neck to each nipple then to her clit. Spreading her legs wide in the air as my tongue licked up and down her open lips moving against her clit before opening her lips to taste all that wetness running down the crack of her ass. Who was I fooling? From the moment I saw her I wanted to eat and fuck the hell out of her. And here we were doing just that.
The convulsions came as I was eating her. The wave of orgasms making her stomach muscles quiver and her body jump with excitement. As I had her legs up in the air while she was cummin I push them back and then slide my hardness down inside of her. I want us to cum together here. With her legs pushed near her head I plunged my dick down inside of her feeling her muscle quivering around my shaft. With each stroke her pussy worked my dick and I knew I was going to cum completely. As we exploded together she screamed as I moaned. Both of our bodies spent.
Damn I felt so pampered I had to give her a massage and start things over again.
It was a good thought that women spend and evening pampering the men. Bringing us drinks and food and everything. It felt good to sit back and relax for a bit. Just relax and look at some pretty women. Our very own Geisha Girls.
So after waiting a while I finally got my chance to get my first massage of the evening from this young lady. It was cool and it helped relax me but I knew I wanted a more intimate session than she would give. Looking over I saw the one that had caught my eye earlier giving what would be called the "Good as Hell" massage station. She was giving those real deep massages like she knew what she was doing. I kept watching her at work and saying to myself I want one of those. As I watched each girl working the massages I could tell my girl was the best at it.
So finishing up I waited till the "Good as Hell" station opened and I laid down. She went and found some oil that heated when you rubbed it on. I was deep in relaxation and arousal when she got started. As she sat straddling my ass she worked my muscles with the oil and everything. I could feel the heat from between her thighs on my back and it soothed and caressed me. She whispered in my ear as she laid her body across my back "Whats your name? Mine is Taleahla. " I gave her mine and felt her soft breasts against my back through her thin teddy. All I could think about is hinkhow I wanted this in my life on a regular basis. I told her that she must have been doing massages for a while since she was so good.
As she kissed me on the back of my neck I could feel the flow of energy between us. Damn I was feeling her now. So when I turned over and she straddled me and then slowing rocked back and forth. She knew I was going to be nice and hard and throbbing between those silken thighs. Her hands worked and kneeded my chest and neck. She rubbed my nipples between her fingers and leaned down so I could feel her breasts against me. She said that I needed my woman to do this for me. I told her I need her to be my woman first before that could happen. After she rubbed the heating oil all into my skin, she took a feather and ran it all over me. Damn I never knew how erotic and wonderful that felt until she did it. I was completely over the edge looking into her face as she grazed the feather over me.
I pulled her down to me and kissed her. Her lips yeilded to mine and our arms entwined. I pulled her teddy up and off her. As her cafe au lait skin caught the candle light in the room I knew we were going to enjoy this.
The kissing led to her pulling my boxers off as We began to heat things up more than the oil had ever did. Her hand grasped my shaft as it throbbed in her hand. Never letting up on our lips kissing and sucking together. My left hand grabbing her ass cheek as my right cupped her breast and caressed her nipple. Our moans swam together as we were there panting and all over each other.
She guided my hardness inside of her as she sat back and I grabbed her hips and began pushing deep inside of her. With each stroke her juices flowed heavier. My hardness was unbearable. Coated with her juices it felt so good sliding up and down inside of her. Moving my hands from her hips to cup her breasts as she rode me. As I pulled her down on top of me and began to push my hardness deep in her I knew I would cum sooon so I had to stop.
As I flipped her over and licked down her neck to each nipple then to her clit. Spreading her legs wide in the air as my tongue licked up and down her open lips moving against her clit before opening her lips to taste all that wetness running down the crack of her ass. Who was I fooling? From the moment I saw her I wanted to eat and fuck the hell out of her. And here we were doing just that.
The convulsions came as I was eating her. The wave of orgasms making her stomach muscles quiver and her body jump with excitement. As I had her legs up in the air while she was cummin I push them back and then slide my hardness down inside of her. I want us to cum together here. With her legs pushed near her head I plunged my dick down inside of her feeling her muscle quivering around my shaft. With each stroke her pussy worked my dick and I knew I was going to cum completely. As we exploded together she screamed as I moaned. Both of our bodies spent.
Damn I felt so pampered I had to give her a massage and start things over again.
MIDAS TOUCH
The look upon your face brought forth style and grace. It seemed as if we had been taken to another place just you and I as we gazed starilly inot each others eyes.
Lips whispering to me their lushus fullness and desire for me. Two magnets drawn towards each other. Beckoning and calling me I gave in. The feeling of that first kiss was such a SIN. My body exploded from my lips down to my toes. Every memory cell rekindled with lost thoughts and feelings that were thought never to be experienced again. What a kiss was like and felt like slowly was allowed back into my heart, body and soul. It lit a fire to a passion that had basically been killed previously. Sitting there I just wanted to melt to the floor.
Yet that was not the whip cream and topping on my sundae. For when you caressed my face or rubbed my head and back all of my opened up as a blossoming rose bud. Allowing a release from the previous tortures and pain. Aggresively absorbing through every nerve ending each second of gentle touch. How much I longed and missed this so much. I know we had talked about affection and touching but damn this has me intoxicated. Is it from my deprivation or is it just that I need some salvation and rejuvenation?
Simple pleasures but profound nonetheless cannot be faked or half heartedly addressed. The things that I long for and help make me happy. Yet so many have not been able to allow, do or understand the significance.
Basically on either has the blueprint for the MIDAS TOUCH or they will just continue to wallow in selfishness, misunderstanding and loathing.
Lips whispering to me their lushus fullness and desire for me. Two magnets drawn towards each other. Beckoning and calling me I gave in. The feeling of that first kiss was such a SIN. My body exploded from my lips down to my toes. Every memory cell rekindled with lost thoughts and feelings that were thought never to be experienced again. What a kiss was like and felt like slowly was allowed back into my heart, body and soul. It lit a fire to a passion that had basically been killed previously. Sitting there I just wanted to melt to the floor.
Yet that was not the whip cream and topping on my sundae. For when you caressed my face or rubbed my head and back all of my opened up as a blossoming rose bud. Allowing a release from the previous tortures and pain. Aggresively absorbing through every nerve ending each second of gentle touch. How much I longed and missed this so much. I know we had talked about affection and touching but damn this has me intoxicated. Is it from my deprivation or is it just that I need some salvation and rejuvenation?
Simple pleasures but profound nonetheless cannot be faked or half heartedly addressed. The things that I long for and help make me happy. Yet so many have not been able to allow, do or understand the significance.
Basically on either has the blueprint for the MIDAS TOUCH or they will just continue to wallow in selfishness, misunderstanding and loathing.
My Cancer Style
Here I am that passionate lover with that deep dark side within me.
When I give you my heart I will always be there by your side. Loyal and supportive, is my way. That is, until you cross me aned become my liability. My heart and soul are given to you. I will give of myself freely and completely.
These parts of me bring passion and emotionality. Passion to do what it takes to keep things great. To make love deeply and intently. To discuss and stick with or adjust to principalities. Though I hide and show no emotions at times, those that have meaning to me will have the privledge of seeing that special part of me. Most everyone on the outside sees me as mean, evil, crazy and unfeeling. And that is the way that it should be for they have no right to get to know me. But even those that know me only get to certain levels depending on my relationship with them. Only a few really know me and then no one knows it all for that was reserved for a wife. But a best friend or very close friends will know the best of me.
Of course with emotions comes the OTHER side of me. The mood, analytical part of me. At times bringing insanity and turmoil into the fray. I know that things can set me off in the blink of an eye. We are the ones prone for those inexplicable rages. We are the modelf for the "INCREDIBLE HULK" and the rage that lies within. We surpress that rage until we just can't take it anymore. So at that point we have gone from one extreme to another.
Though there is our hot headedness we still give so much love, support and caring. Willing to destroy those that harm you and come against you. We will stand for you and with you, whenever it is needed.
We are truly the proctective moody crab.
When I give you my heart I will always be there by your side. Loyal and supportive, is my way. That is, until you cross me aned become my liability. My heart and soul are given to you. I will give of myself freely and completely.
These parts of me bring passion and emotionality. Passion to do what it takes to keep things great. To make love deeply and intently. To discuss and stick with or adjust to principalities. Though I hide and show no emotions at times, those that have meaning to me will have the privledge of seeing that special part of me. Most everyone on the outside sees me as mean, evil, crazy and unfeeling. And that is the way that it should be for they have no right to get to know me. But even those that know me only get to certain levels depending on my relationship with them. Only a few really know me and then no one knows it all for that was reserved for a wife. But a best friend or very close friends will know the best of me.
Of course with emotions comes the OTHER side of me. The mood, analytical part of me. At times bringing insanity and turmoil into the fray. I know that things can set me off in the blink of an eye. We are the ones prone for those inexplicable rages. We are the modelf for the "INCREDIBLE HULK" and the rage that lies within. We surpress that rage until we just can't take it anymore. So at that point we have gone from one extreme to another.
Though there is our hot headedness we still give so much love, support and caring. Willing to destroy those that harm you and come against you. We will stand for you and with you, whenever it is needed.
We are truly the proctective moody crab.
RELATIONAL COLORS
Hues of blu sometimes remind me of you. But let me tell you the tru, that most of the time I remember you there are no9thing but hues of blu. A few specks of burnt orange permeate my mind at times in distant memories long gone.
Hmmm, where has that fiery red gone to? That which burnt bright enough to scorch the earth between us? The thing that had me addicted without a second thought. A supernova during times of passion, blocking and obliterating everything else.
Here in the Indigo darkness I now can relax and feel a comfort that none could give. No false fading, turning colors of emotion and persons in this black hole, deflecting all of the other hues away. Protecting me from the fiery assaults while holding the colorful commotions at bay.
Hmmm, where has that fiery red gone to? That which burnt bright enough to scorch the earth between us? The thing that had me addicted without a second thought. A supernova during times of passion, blocking and obliterating everything else.
Here in the Indigo darkness I now can relax and feel a comfort that none could give. No false fading, turning colors of emotion and persons in this black hole, deflecting all of the other hues away. Protecting me from the fiery assaults while holding the colorful commotions at bay.
Renewed Battle of Life
Standing on the edge of my existence, scarred and battered I look towards the future. Partially longing for the end to the fighting but knowing that will never be the case. Part of me actually desiring the continued battles.
Now that I have loss so much, my vigor has returned. Armored up and strengthened against assault once again, ther ewill be no further defeats. For a moment I was overcome with despair and uncertainty. But as it was quoted "You cannot postpone a match that has already been scheduled."
Weapons at the ready awaiting the next wave of enemies. There is only the preparedness and fortitude inside me to adapt to whatever shall come forth. Standing and knowing whatever darkness I will battle shall tax me to the fullest. No matter the fear and hesitation is gone once again.
As a Warrior of Life there is no need to wait. As I wade into the darkness and unknown, I smile to myself preparing for the exstacy of Battle. For there are none that can do battle like I can.
Engulfed by the darkness, life's Bloodletting consumes my passion. Overwhelmed by the darkness, they think that there is victory in their numbers. Their strategy is so wrong as I laugh while cleaving their very souls apart. If they only knew that I was designed for this, that I live for the onslaught.
Axe and sword move in blurring fashion as the darkness falls to my blades. Were these enemies prepared for their demise today? No longer shall I faulter under darkness' attack. There shall only be victory from this day forward. Darkness' blows shall not deter me as I press forward.
Bloody from the wounds inflicted I feel very little pain. My will and desire to complete all that is before me help guard me against failure. It brings me strength, patience, experience and adaptability to whatever I will be facing. The past is there to ever remind me of consequences and where I have come from. Holding onto the lessons learned I use that to urge me further down this path. For there is not always light along this journey. I have to make my own illuminations many times as the adventures continue mounting and becoming history. Many times my own illumination is what has been a beacon to others while wading through there own battles.
Regardless of others in these struggles I realized that there are no allies in this daily grind. That it is every person for themselves no matter what. That this adventure that each of undertake in life is our very own in all it's unique and differing aspects. Though I have to agree that at times I needed that helping hand to pull me from the quagmire so I could continue on. Call it stubborn or whatever I just attempt to fight my own battles in this existence.
Here in each of our lives we work our way through each daily adventure, whether good or bad, fast or slow. Our lives have such different and unique courses that there is no telling what each day may bring. So whether it is battling against negativity, pessimism or whatever we continue to Fight the Good Fight.
Now that I have loss so much, my vigor has returned. Armored up and strengthened against assault once again, ther ewill be no further defeats. For a moment I was overcome with despair and uncertainty. But as it was quoted "You cannot postpone a match that has already been scheduled."
Weapons at the ready awaiting the next wave of enemies. There is only the preparedness and fortitude inside me to adapt to whatever shall come forth. Standing and knowing whatever darkness I will battle shall tax me to the fullest. No matter the fear and hesitation is gone once again.
As a Warrior of Life there is no need to wait. As I wade into the darkness and unknown, I smile to myself preparing for the exstacy of Battle. For there are none that can do battle like I can.
Engulfed by the darkness, life's Bloodletting consumes my passion. Overwhelmed by the darkness, they think that there is victory in their numbers. Their strategy is so wrong as I laugh while cleaving their very souls apart. If they only knew that I was designed for this, that I live for the onslaught.
Axe and sword move in blurring fashion as the darkness falls to my blades. Were these enemies prepared for their demise today? No longer shall I faulter under darkness' attack. There shall only be victory from this day forward. Darkness' blows shall not deter me as I press forward.
Bloody from the wounds inflicted I feel very little pain. My will and desire to complete all that is before me help guard me against failure. It brings me strength, patience, experience and adaptability to whatever I will be facing. The past is there to ever remind me of consequences and where I have come from. Holding onto the lessons learned I use that to urge me further down this path. For there is not always light along this journey. I have to make my own illuminations many times as the adventures continue mounting and becoming history. Many times my own illumination is what has been a beacon to others while wading through there own battles.
Regardless of others in these struggles I realized that there are no allies in this daily grind. That it is every person for themselves no matter what. That this adventure that each of undertake in life is our very own in all it's unique and differing aspects. Though I have to agree that at times I needed that helping hand to pull me from the quagmire so I could continue on. Call it stubborn or whatever I just attempt to fight my own battles in this existence.
Here in each of our lives we work our way through each daily adventure, whether good or bad, fast or slow. Our lives have such different and unique courses that there is no telling what each day may bring. So whether it is battling against negativity, pessimism or whatever we continue to Fight the Good Fight.
Rollin by yourself
It was said that no one has to be alone. But in all actuality, everyone is alone at all times. You can't help but be alone when you are in this world because no one controls you.
Flashbacks of times, both good and bad come into my head like speeding interstate traffic. At times there are some severe wrecks other times just a mere fender bender. But none the less there have always been some type of accident and wrecks in my life. The key was always cleaning up the mess and then keep moving on down the highway. But many times there are still lingering problems from these accidents. Things seen and unseen that are side effects from the accidents.
Moments of laughter, fun and excitement float through my mind at intervals at times. Those few strands of sanity and pleasure are what hold things together for me. The thoughts of a weekend of passion, pleasure, fun and enjoyment keep my heart and mind pumping. That is what keeps the blood flowing and me breathing and getting up day to day. Yes I can sit here and be real with myself and everyone else and tell that I have had some good times regardless of the negative aspects that have occured.
But those things that I regret do stand out like a nail. I hate many of the decisions that I have made in my life because they were painful and many I will continue to suffer for over and over. Things like when I was engaged have hurt me severely and changed my views on a lot of things. I don't claim to be perfect or that my decisions or views are all the best, because they aren't. My pain, my anger and dissatisfaction have shown through like the sun on a bright day so much that it was hard to even cover it up.
My heart, body and soul craves and mourns the loss of feeling that special woman I had next to me, beside me, with me. The feel of her breathe while she is sound asleep, the feel of the rise and fall of her breasts or just waking up and looking into her eyes. My arm around her enjoying her very essence. She was the light in my universe then. The eclipse and sunshine combined into so much that it was hard to distinguish the two. And now that it is all gone. I see, feel and hurt from the void that has been left there. There is still light in my life, just no longer the sunshine that I had recently gotten use to in my life.
Now I have pulled back into my armoured self. Knowing that I shouldn't have let things get to this point. But I fell hard and fast and now all I get is evil, sarcastic words from someone who was supposed to at least like me. Now even my attitude has changed toward all this. Love is turning into hate. I fight the battle to prevent that but damn she makes it easier to go that way. How much do I need to endure for her to make a decision and just move on? All of me still desires her in so many ways, but I refuse to be raked over the coals and dessimated because I made a mistake and whatever issues she has that are tormenting her.
The Ying Yang Twins said it best"ride by myself, get high bye myself, fuck these hoes by my god damn self". Just have to be by myself. The comments were made that I spoke these things into existence and that may be true. But I can't answer for anyone other than me. Heartless and closed are the adjectives that can be used about me now. For those that have not already proven themselves worthy then they will continue to sit outside the envelope and look in and judge. Everyone is intitled to their opinion of me and my actions but it does not matter one way or the other. I love and I love very hard and deep. That is the reason behind my connection with fok and everything. If I care about u and or love you then I am there for the long haul. Most cannot understand that but that is there loss. There is always brought up the fact that I have alot of female friends but that should not matter one way or another. For the woman that I love and want to be with me was the woman that was first in my life above everything and everyone else. Too bad she couldn't see that.
So as I have made more changes in my life and everything now. Those that I am friends with know that I am here to stay and that our relationship will not go away. Calling to check on them or just writing a letter wondering what they are up to is the way I am.
Flashbacks of times, both good and bad come into my head like speeding interstate traffic. At times there are some severe wrecks other times just a mere fender bender. But none the less there have always been some type of accident and wrecks in my life. The key was always cleaning up the mess and then keep moving on down the highway. But many times there are still lingering problems from these accidents. Things seen and unseen that are side effects from the accidents.
Moments of laughter, fun and excitement float through my mind at intervals at times. Those few strands of sanity and pleasure are what hold things together for me. The thoughts of a weekend of passion, pleasure, fun and enjoyment keep my heart and mind pumping. That is what keeps the blood flowing and me breathing and getting up day to day. Yes I can sit here and be real with myself and everyone else and tell that I have had some good times regardless of the negative aspects that have occured.
But those things that I regret do stand out like a nail. I hate many of the decisions that I have made in my life because they were painful and many I will continue to suffer for over and over. Things like when I was engaged have hurt me severely and changed my views on a lot of things. I don't claim to be perfect or that my decisions or views are all the best, because they aren't. My pain, my anger and dissatisfaction have shown through like the sun on a bright day so much that it was hard to even cover it up.
My heart, body and soul craves and mourns the loss of feeling that special woman I had next to me, beside me, with me. The feel of her breathe while she is sound asleep, the feel of the rise and fall of her breasts or just waking up and looking into her eyes. My arm around her enjoying her very essence. She was the light in my universe then. The eclipse and sunshine combined into so much that it was hard to distinguish the two. And now that it is all gone. I see, feel and hurt from the void that has been left there. There is still light in my life, just no longer the sunshine that I had recently gotten use to in my life.
Now I have pulled back into my armoured self. Knowing that I shouldn't have let things get to this point. But I fell hard and fast and now all I get is evil, sarcastic words from someone who was supposed to at least like me. Now even my attitude has changed toward all this. Love is turning into hate. I fight the battle to prevent that but damn she makes it easier to go that way. How much do I need to endure for her to make a decision and just move on? All of me still desires her in so many ways, but I refuse to be raked over the coals and dessimated because I made a mistake and whatever issues she has that are tormenting her.
The Ying Yang Twins said it best"ride by myself, get high bye myself, fuck these hoes by my god damn self". Just have to be by myself. The comments were made that I spoke these things into existence and that may be true. But I can't answer for anyone other than me. Heartless and closed are the adjectives that can be used about me now. For those that have not already proven themselves worthy then they will continue to sit outside the envelope and look in and judge. Everyone is intitled to their opinion of me and my actions but it does not matter one way or the other. I love and I love very hard and deep. That is the reason behind my connection with fok and everything. If I care about u and or love you then I am there for the long haul. Most cannot understand that but that is there loss. There is always brought up the fact that I have alot of female friends but that should not matter one way or another. For the woman that I love and want to be with me was the woman that was first in my life above everything and everyone else. Too bad she couldn't see that.
So as I have made more changes in my life and everything now. Those that I am friends with know that I am here to stay and that our relationship will not go away. Calling to check on them or just writing a letter wondering what they are up to is the way I am.
Stepping Back
I use to go headstrong and headlong into all of this. But now I realize that I should have just guarded it all. That would have prevented my fall. For now there will be only memories to recall.
Memories...I guess the event of holding on to nothingness. So this is what our relationship has been reduced to.? Our adventures use to acrew, but now there is only this feeling of BLUE. But you tell me that is what you are holding onto. I guess this is what things ahve been reduced to.
I had allowed all of me into all of you and now I just seem like a fool. From us swimming in the pool to laying on the beach. I had looked forward to so much more and now that part wn't even bive me a start.
I am supposed to just cut it all off and just hold onto what use to be. But if I did that then all of these feelings would be for naught. I guess that is what makes sense to women but definitely not me. I desiered to continue making more and more memories. I wanted to open up my soul and my very being, but how could that be possible anymore?
I didn't want to take this step back but she forced this into existence. Now I have to debate even continiuing. What good is there to go from lovers to friends? She says she wants to be friends and strengthen the friendship side of our relationship. But what is there going to be left when everything else decays? How are we going to have anything left to work with, when all we do is see each otherr once in a while, with no kissing or anything? So I guess I just need to shake her hand when and if I see her. No affection = no feelings expressed, no emotional content and no needs being met.
What good is stepping back when there may not be anything left to step back to? How are things just going to be on hold until she decides to love and be with me again? So things are supposed to be magically alright after all this I guess.
hmmmm.....interesting
Memories...I guess the event of holding on to nothingness. So this is what our relationship has been reduced to.? Our adventures use to acrew, but now there is only this feeling of BLUE. But you tell me that is what you are holding onto. I guess this is what things ahve been reduced to.
I had allowed all of me into all of you and now I just seem like a fool. From us swimming in the pool to laying on the beach. I had looked forward to so much more and now that part wn't even bive me a start.
I am supposed to just cut it all off and just hold onto what use to be. But if I did that then all of these feelings would be for naught. I guess that is what makes sense to women but definitely not me. I desiered to continue making more and more memories. I wanted to open up my soul and my very being, but how could that be possible anymore?
I didn't want to take this step back but she forced this into existence. Now I have to debate even continiuing. What good is there to go from lovers to friends? She says she wants to be friends and strengthen the friendship side of our relationship. But what is there going to be left when everything else decays? How are we going to have anything left to work with, when all we do is see each otherr once in a while, with no kissing or anything? So I guess I just need to shake her hand when and if I see her. No affection = no feelings expressed, no emotional content and no needs being met.
What good is stepping back when there may not be anything left to step back to? How are things just going to be on hold until she decides to love and be with me again? So things are supposed to be magically alright after all this I guess.
hmmmm.....interesting
What I wouldn't do for you?
The things that I wouldn't do for you. I would try to accomplish anything I could for you. I have stood by and allowed you to make whatever decision you chose to make. I have kept my mouth closed as things went on by.
My bending over backwards and standing to the side.... all of these things I have done to try and accomodate you.
Do you not understand how my heart is for you? How I love and long for you? Or is it that you can't understand it's meaning or you can't allow yourself to feel?
So here I am outside because I will do anything I can for you.
I long for you and miss you so damn much. And that is why I do whatever I can to be with you and spend each cherished moment with you.
But I wonder if you can possibly understand this.
My bending over backwards and standing to the side.... all of these things I have done to try and accomodate you.
Do you not understand how my heart is for you? How I love and long for you? Or is it that you can't understand it's meaning or you can't allow yourself to feel?
So here I am outside because I will do anything I can for you.
I long for you and miss you so damn much. And that is why I do whatever I can to be with you and spend each cherished moment with you.
But I wonder if you can possibly understand this.
Words of Feeling
Your words shocked and stunned me. Having awaited so long to hear them. Wanting to feel the warmth and passion that they would inspire.
They hung in the air as if silohuetted against the sky. As if on a neon sign it struck me and made me smile with happiness. Knowing that you don't say this often or even frequently. I understand it is only for when you mean it. So Here I am basking in it's resonance.
This moment had been patiently waited for some time. The emotions that ebbed throughout me showed me just how much the wait was worth. I felt a soft glow thoughout as the realization kicked in of what had just happened.
No pressure or coersion was involved in this act. It came completely out of the blue. That gave it the earnest, from the heart momentum that was needed.
So many times have been spent wondering if you would ever feel this way. All that could be done was hope and pray until this very day. Just wanting to add more positives to this fray. Knowing that we had been through so much since our very first day. Just longing to put those things behind us and make for better days.
So I rode the waves, buffeted the storms and stood within the fire. Here to share this expression, soul stirring part of me with you. In moving towards a union that neither of us have ever experienced yet. A place where neither of us have gone fully. We have taken the journey before seperately leading to unfortunate results. But now, itis meant to be......just you and me. God had just made us wait for it to be.
You opened up the locked chest that no one else had the key. For there has been nothing compared to all that I have felt, learned and happily changed in my life since being with you. Words could never eloquently express what has been felt, desired, dreamed and realized with us.
But the words that you spoke fluttered in my ears as if rose petals in the breeze of a bright sunny day.
I LOVE YOU
They hung in the air as if silohuetted against the sky. As if on a neon sign it struck me and made me smile with happiness. Knowing that you don't say this often or even frequently. I understand it is only for when you mean it. So Here I am basking in it's resonance.
This moment had been patiently waited for some time. The emotions that ebbed throughout me showed me just how much the wait was worth. I felt a soft glow thoughout as the realization kicked in of what had just happened.
No pressure or coersion was involved in this act. It came completely out of the blue. That gave it the earnest, from the heart momentum that was needed.
So many times have been spent wondering if you would ever feel this way. All that could be done was hope and pray until this very day. Just wanting to add more positives to this fray. Knowing that we had been through so much since our very first day. Just longing to put those things behind us and make for better days.
So I rode the waves, buffeted the storms and stood within the fire. Here to share this expression, soul stirring part of me with you. In moving towards a union that neither of us have ever experienced yet. A place where neither of us have gone fully. We have taken the journey before seperately leading to unfortunate results. But now, itis meant to be......just you and me. God had just made us wait for it to be.
You opened up the locked chest that no one else had the key. For there has been nothing compared to all that I have felt, learned and happily changed in my life since being with you. Words could never eloquently express what has been felt, desired, dreamed and realized with us.
But the words that you spoke fluttered in my ears as if rose petals in the breeze of a bright sunny day.
I LOVE YOU
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